The Weakness in Me (25 page)

“What are you talking about?”
she asked, shooting her a bewildered look.

“You keep carrying on like you and Jason are a band going on a reunion tour,
” she said as if her words just cleared up everything. “You aren’t though. Hell, you aren’t even the same people you were before! Jason has a career, a condo, a life he forged without you. You have a business, a beautiful house you shared with your husband and a daughter! Your lives have changed so much.”

“Okay?” Samantha said, still confused
as to how that pertained to a band on a reunion tour.

“
You aren’t the same band anymore. The major changes in your life dictate that you aren’t going to turn out the generic, recycled tracks. Sure, you’re going to do a cover of your relationship, but an updated version,” McKenna shrugged. “Granted, it may end up being a crappy version of a really great song, but what if it’s your own personal version of ‘All Along the Watchtower’? I mean, Bob Dylan’s version was great, but Jimi’s catapulted it into another universe, you know?” She tried to clarify but got off on a slight tangent. In a weird way, though, now that McKenna had explained further, Samantha understood what she was saying completely.

“Do you always speak in industry jargon?” Jessica asked
, with a chuckle.

“Would I be a good music producer if I didn’t understand the field?” McKenna rolled her eyes.
“But what I’m trying to say is that you can try and it could suck, or it could be amazing. You just have to be willing to take the risk. I think my brother is worth it, but…do you?” McKenna’s blue eyes cut to Samantha’s and she knew her answer. It was nearly, unequivocally…

“Yes,” she sighed, quietly, before adding, “but--”

“No buts! Stop there!” Jessica held up her hand.

“
I have to make sure I can trust him completely with my heart this time,” Samantha continued, suddenly needing out of the rest of this conversation, she clutched her side. “FUCK!” she squealed. “Why did I let you talk me into the bike? I’m not going to be able to walk tomorrow, and I have a date to go on tonight!” she finished, limping away from Jessica and McKenna toward the locker room, a look of relief flooding her features.

“Way to run away again, sis!” Jessica yelled from behind her.
Samantha heard the girls giggling behind her as she tried to figure out how she was going to complete the one task she knew she needed to do before she met up with Jason that night.

**

“So are you sure you are okay with Sven meeting us here?” Jamie asked, gesturing toward the door to the coffee shop a couple of blocks from his condo.

“Um, yeah, but I don’t understand why he couldn’t just come to my house?” Jason asked as they walked in
and immediately spotted the dirty blonde dreads of his mother’s aromerologist at a corner table.

“Your house hasn’t been cleansed, Jason,” his mother frowned, as if the reason she’d shared should have been obvious.

“Of course,” he agreed, sarcastically, “I can’t believe I was so stupid.”

“
Sven!” Jamie shouted as she approached the table.

“Jamie!” he returned with a greasy smile.
“I bought you za green tea, jah?” he lifted a cup to toward Jamie.

“Thank you, Sven,” Jamie answered, sing song, taking the cup from his hand.

“I added your medicine, jah?” the white Rastafarian winked at her. Jason tried hard not to laugh at his obvious fake Swedish accent.

“You’re amazing,
” she gushed, as Jason further suppressed the desire to roll his eyes at the display. “Like the son I’ve never had,” she growled in her son’s direction, indicating her displeasure with his recent choices.

“I’d love you more if you paid me, too,” he mumbled, as he walked to the counter to order his drink.

“What was that, honey?” Jamie called from behind him.

“Nothing, mom,” he turned and gave her his sweetest smile, before taking his place in line.
‘Only a few more hours to get through,’
he told himself. He was trying hard not to think about the promise of spending time with Sammy that night, because he didn’t want to get his hopes up too high about what she might be ready for. He also knew thinking about it would only make the day seem to move slower, and with his present company, he didn’t need any help making the day feel like it was dragging.

Waiting to the side for his cup of coffee after ordering, Jason saw his mother texting from her phone, and sneaking glances at his location in the shop.
He found her actions to be highly suspect, because his sisters were busy today, he was with her, as was Sven and his father didn’t text. Miranda and McKenna were right when they said she was up to something. Courtney was out of the country, but even she said that she sounded weird the last time they’d talked. They all agreed that she seemed to be overly preoccupied with what might be going on between him and Sammy. His suspicion hit the stratosphere when she startled and put her phone away, guiltily, upon his reappearance at the table.

“Who were you texting?” he asked, nonchalantly, looking toward Sven, who was n
ot so discreetly checking out a woman bending over to pick up a napkin that had fallen to the floor in front of her.

When he caught Jason watching him, he shrugged and said, “I sink her spine is out of alignment, jah?”
Yet, the lascivious grin on his face suggested other thoughts entirely.

“It’s none of your business, Jason,” Jamie said, closing off both topics of conversation.

“Sure it isn’t, mother,” he openly rolled his eyes at her. “Now, what was so important that we had to meet Sven in the coffee house today?” he asked, wanting nothing more than to fast forward the next few hours of talk of sage sticks and peppermint tea tree lava lamps.

**

Kelly picked up Corigan on time and gave Samantha a hug with tears in her eyes. As she left, she whispered good luck with a sad smile. She wanted to prolong the next item on her to do list as long as possible, but she knew she couldn’t avoid it forever. After showering and dressing in clothes that were casual, but dressy enough to pass at most places he might want to take her before the movie, she sat down on her bed next to Caleb’s night stand, favoring her hip, and looked at the wedding set still on her left hand.

Taking a deep breath to calm the tears threatening, she looked toward the bedroom ceiling.
“How am I supposed to do this?” she asked. “God, I miss you,” she whispered, as she twirled the rings around her finger, nervously. Looking around the room again, she realized that she no longer felt his presence in their bedroom and needed to do this in a place she felt close to him. Because they’d lived in this house together for less than a year when he passed away, she had more memories of Jason here than Caleb. The thought brought a sad smile to her lips as she tried to figure out where she needed to go so she could feel close to her husband again. She hadn’t even known that her house wasn’t that place anymore.

She thought about heading back up to Snoqualmie, but she knew that she’d never get the peace she needed to say good-bye in such a tourist attraction.
After deciding against heading to their old apartment in Auburn and not being able to face the site of the car accident, she decided there was only one place she could get the privacy she wanted, while still feeling close to Caleb. Gathering her courage, she walked slowly to her car to drive to the cemetery.

The sounds of the car’s engine echoed through the quietness of the interior as she drove in absolute silence.
Although the solemnity of the gesture she was about to make seemed to hang in the air like a thick curtain, the rhythm of her heart told her that she was ready for this. Samantha didn’t feel the need to run and hide, nor was she nauseous with the thought of opening a new chapter of her life. She was, finally, calm and at peace with the decision.

When she made it to the headstone she was looking for, she sank to the ground as the full weight of what she was about to do washed over her.
After avoiding this place for the last year, since she’d still been hospitalized during his services, seeing his name, etched in stone, made his death completely solidify in her mind. He really was
never
coming back; this whole last year had actually happened.

“Wow,” she started, her voice cracking with emotion.
“I don’t even know how to start to tell you how much I wish you were still here,” she said after clearing her throat. Her eyes swept over the rolling green hills of the burial park before settling back on the stone in front of her.

“Corigan is getting so big.
She looks so much like you that sometimes I feel like you
are
still here, but inside her. I’ll never let her forget you,” she whispered, running her fingers over the cold surface. “That’s not what I came to tell you, but you knew that, didn’t you?” she gave a sad chuckle before continuing. “I’m here because you told me that I’d know when it was time to move on, and I’m here to say,” she inhaled a deep breath, “good bye,” she squeaked the last word out as the sobs she’d been holding back finally started to wrack through her body. “Jason has been amazing to Corigan and me this last year, Caleb. At every turn, he’s made our days without you just a little bit easier to get through,” the words started to come out in a rush, as if she couldn’t hold them in anymore.

“Over the last year, there were times when I felt like I
did
die in that accident with you, but not physically. I definitely felt dead inside most of the time. Empty, hollow. The only thing that has made me feel alive again is taking care of Corigan, and, as much as I don’t want to admit it, being with Jason. He didn’t let me wallow in self-pity or despair. He doesn’t let me let our daughter down. I can’t even completely quantify how much I owe him.

“That’s not wh
y I want to be with him, though,” she, quickly, corrected. “As much as I use it as an excuse, I
do
trust that it’ll be different this time. We were young and had only known what it was like to be with each other. There is still something nagging at the back of my brain that Missy is the key to knowing the truth, but I can’t waste time living in the past anymore,” Samantha shook off the direction of her thoughts.

“I will always, always, always cherish the time I had with you.
It wasn’t nearly the lifetime we’d promised each other, was it?” Samantha chuckled as she swiped the tears from her cheek and looked down at her rings. “Just because I take these off, don’t think for a second that I’ve forgotten you or what you’ll always mean to me,” she finished, sliding the rings into the palm of her hand.

“I’m going to put these in the safe for Corigan.
I won’t let her live a single day without knowing her daddy loves her, and wishes he could be here to tuck her in every night like he used to.” She heard her phone chirp from her purse on the ground beside her, looking at the display; she let out a small giggle. “It’s Jason,” she said, holding up the phone as if he could see it. “Wants to check on me, I’m sure. It’s like he knows what I’m doing, without me telling him. I’d think he was stalking me, if I wasn’t able to do the same with him.” Samantha typed back a quick message letting him know where she was and that she was okay and she would call him when she was done.

“He’s been so patient and it’s not right to make him wait anymore…I don’t want to make him wait
anymore.  I promise, though, I’ll be back again, soon. I won’t wait a year this time,” she vowed. “I love you,” she said, kissing her fingers and laying them lightly on the top of the grave marker before standing to walk back to her car, dialing Jason’s number and trying to calm her tears.

“Are you sure you don’t need me to come and get you?” he asked
as he answered, his voice sounded worried.

“I’m fine, Jason,” she smiled.
“I’m on my way over. I just have to stop by the house first.”

“About that,” he started, sounding disappointed.
She sucked in a breath in preparation for his words. “I meet Ken at her studio this morning before she started recording for the day. She told me that you overdid it at the gym today,” he said, surprising her with the direction of the conversation.

“A little, but I’m okay, if you still want to go out,” she answered, quickly.

“Why don’t you come over to my place and I’ll cook? Maybe pull up a movie on Netflix?” he offered. “Make it more low key, not as much pressure that way,” he chuckled, nervously. “Nor do we have to worry about running into anyone,” he continued, his tone more ominous.

“Sounds perfect,” she agreed.
“I’ll be there in an hour or so?”

“Great!
I’m just finishing coffee with my mom and,” he paused, coughing slightly, “Sven. It has been…interesting, to say the least,” he finished, and she knew he’d coughed to suppress a laugh. “That’ll give me enough time to pick up supplies.”

“Okay,” she said,
cranking the engine on her car. She was finally ready to turn the page on that next chapter of her life.

Samantha had just finished changing into a much more comfortable outfit when she heard a knock on her front door. Curious and in a hurry, she walked briskly to the door. Looking through the peep hole, she was pleasantly surprised to find Jason’s smiling face looking back at her. She couldn’t help the grin that spread across her cheeks as she unlocked the door to let him in.