The Zombie Survival Guide: How To Live Like A King After The Outbreak (11 page)

But before I go, there’s one more thing I need to tell you: Zombies do not reproduce the way humans do – just thought you should know.

Human reproduction is actually quite complex, making it nearly impossible for some of the larger, dumber males of the species. Female humanoids, on the other hand, are still able to procreate even if they look like a cross between a sea manatee and a donkey. Even the most grotesque of human females can usually find a male to sow her some seed in a time of need. Even if for only one inebriated evening, which will ultimately lead to a lifetime of ridicule for the male involved, reproduction for the female is as simple as falling asleep on a subway train.

If you happen to be one of the many unlucky males out there whom attractive females will only “be friends” with, I have three suggestions for you: Get rich, lower your standards, or turn yourself into a flaming homosexual.

The first of the three is very difficult, though certainly attainable through a certain combination of luck, skill, and hard work. If you do manage to accomplish getting rich, decorate yourself with the extravagance of a peacock in the finest clothes, fastest cars, and the most luxurious of dwellings money can buy. Your nerdy tendencies will suddenly become cute signs of eccentric intelligence. Your obese physique, once repulsive to behold, will become equated with protection and warmth on cold, lonely nights. Your missing teeth and cavity riddled chompers will still be hideous, though. Get your nasty mouth to a dentist and fix your grill! If nothing less, the possibility of owning half your shit will easily entice some of the most beautiful women in the world to let you squirm around on top of them for at least two minutes or so.

Lowering your standards is probably the shortest and easiest path to the great axe wound between a woman’s legs. Although difficult for some at first, all you really need to do is go to a major meat market of a bar and consume spirits until your standards mystically evaporate. This will help you to approach females in the first place, whatever they look like, as alcohol magically lowers your inhibitions as well.

When you first approach your potential victim (I mean
the female
), do so with a cocky attitude. Women for some reason love assholes, and if you’re drunk enough, you won’t even have to pretend that you are one! Let the inner alpha male inside you do the talking. Drop your voice a couple of octaves and affect a sexy rasp or Irish brogue. Inform this woman that you would like to ride her like a gazelle that you just got out of prison for arson. It was a mistake though – in actuality you were trying to rescue a baby from a burning building, but unfortunately were unable to complete the task. These events left you emotionally scarred, and combined with the fact that you had to kill two skinheads to save yourself from ass rape in prison, you’re really just looking for a warm hole to pound away your troubles in. Trust me, she’ll appreciate your honesty!