The Zombie Survival Guide: How To Live Like A King After The Outbreak (6 page)

As a red-blooded American, it pains me to say this, but if you want to blow a zombie's head off, you’ll need to invest in a Russian Commie AK-47. For whatever they lack in economic wisdom, our Ruskie cousins at least know how to create an assault rifle that
kills
.

Russians, incidentally, have no words in their language that translate into “politically correct.” In fact, the concept is completely foreign to them. In Russia, if the government (or anyone for that matter) acts in a manner that displeases the proletariat, then it either learns from its mistakes or ends up on the bad end of a garrote or poison pill. In fact, with their overall cold-blooded approach to life (not just metaphorically either – Russia can get colder than the Upper Peninsula of Michigan), Russians are the closest thing to zombies that still manage to maintain a heartbeat. The only way for an American to get remotely close to understanding this mentality requires a visit to Texas. Everything is bigger in Texas, even the ability to conform to fascist doctrine, line up for basic commodities, and hate the undead. Not sure how that’s applicable, but it stands cuz I said it.

The point is that the Kalashnikov was designed to kill people, fire under the worst of conditions, and make your dick as hard as it can humanly get. Although highly inaccurate, with its high-powered round and overall lack of recoil dispersion, the 7.62 mm slug will obliterate any body part it happens to come in contact with, especially the melon-soft heads of the undead.

This gun can be thrown in the mud, sodomized, and trampled upon, and it will still fire as faithfully as General Motors. Although intercourse with your rifle is highly discouraged, you could have all sorts of relations with this gun and still have it fire flawlessly for you. Err, not that I could actually squeeze my massive tool into anything smaller than a bazooka, but… Oh well nevermind.

Preferred weaponry for combat at 10- 50 yards:

The Remington Model 870 does a superb job of assisting the undead with their problem of having an intact dome. Commonly used by police, hunters, and even the U.S. military, 12 gauge rounds can be easily and cheaply produced and procured. Due to its overall effectiveness across a wide range of killing situations, there are literally millions of 870s in circulation as of today. Because it is relatively inexpensive, highly reliable, and capable of ripping a hole in anything weaker than a quarter inch of tempered steel, this is the gun of choice for any marksman/woman who prefers to get up close and personal with his/her quarry. Oh, and did I mention that after shooting it your dick/clit becomes harder than carbon fiber?

Currently, there is a lot of hype surrounding the use of sawed-off shotguns. Do not “saw off” your shotgun! Criminals use sawed-off shotguns because they are easily concealed. Movies glorify sawed-off shotguns because that's what criminals typically use in their criminal activities. In the postapocalyptic world following a zombie outbreak, however, law enforcement and movies alike will have become virtually nonexistent.

When you “saw off” a shotgun, you have effectively done three things. One, you’ve made it less accurate. Two, you’ve reduced the number of shells it can chamber. And three, although I hate to admit it, you’ve make it look really, really extra sexy. Please keep in mind that the same rules of conduct which apply to the AK-47 also apply to the Remington 870!

There are three types of rounds recommend for the shotgun:

Deer slugs:

Although deer slugs pack the most stopping power per dollar, they do require an accurate shot. A deer slug is a large caliber round traveling at a relatively low velocity compared to those fired from a higher powered rifle. The result, however, is massive trauma to anything the slug happens to come in contact with. A deer slug will not only politely remove the head of your slow-moving, brain-munching foe, but it will also uproot their body from the ground on which they stand to an altitude somewhere between one and four feet above sea level (relative to local altitude, of course). This is a pretty impressive feat, as my own grandmother cannot even jump one foot high on her own.

While very effective, this round does have its downsides when compared to buck shot. To accomplish the phenomenal sight of a zombie being knocked off its feet in a symphony of death and large caliber rounds, this requires a direct head shot. In addition, this round was designed to take down large game, one shot at a time. It is probably incapable of clearing two or three undead bodies in a single shot, as most likely the round will have lost all its momentum after its initial contact with flesh, rotted or otherwise.

Buck shot:

Although buck shot doesn't have quite the body-blasting, boner-building power of its cousin the deer slug, it does make up for this shortcoming with some very admirable attributes of its own. For those of you who do not know what buck shot is, it can best be described as a large cluster of extra large BBs contained inside a plastic shell, with an even larger charge of gunpowder behind them. Upon firing, the result is an uncompromising barrage of shrapnel that may not uproot bodies from longer ranges, but will definitively send them head first (that is if they still have a head) into the dirt.

The shrapnel effect is what makes buck shot the best overall ammunition in medium-ranged combat with zombies. Not only does it have the ability to dislodge the brain from a zombie’s skull, but it can also send several of its friends to the floor as well, thus slowing the enemy's otherwise unending advance and giving you the chance to finish them off or conserve ammunition by running away.

In close-range combat, say while clearing a room, a 12-gauge buck shot round can effectively deprive of existence one to three flesh-eaters at a time. It can also significantly slow the advance of two to four aggressors in one shot if aimed at the legs or torsos of the assailants. This strategy can grant a plausible retreat to an otherwise impossible combat situation. Although they have not been properly destroyed, you and your allies now have the option of removing yourselves from their presence while the undead attempt to pick themselves off the floor.

Incendiary rounds:

While virtually nonexistent outside the realm of movies and videogames, it is because of the incendiary round option that the Remington 870 was chosen as the ideal weapon for mid-range zombie combat. Although incendiary rounds are inherently hard on any gun, due to the intense heat produced by their discharge, the Remington 870 is the one gun with enough cojones to withstand this highly devastating round.

It should be noted that after firing any amount of incendiary rounds, your gun will need to be cleaned thoroughly. The amount of soot and residue they leave behind can cause even the most reliable shotgun to jam and misfire, if not melt altogether – a potentially lethal situation when facing an unrelenting zombie advance.

It is a well-known fact that zombies hate fire almost as much as black people hate water. Once caught aflame, they run around like frantic rats in a cage. The indigenous people of Easter Island learned this lesson and turned it to their advantage. We, in modern times, need to embrace the tactic of our ancestors and use fire to our advantage as well.

The incendiary round releases an intense twenty foot flame from the end of the gun barrel. With a heat so intense, any organic material caught in the outburst will instantly catch on fire. These rounds cannot be purchased at your local big box outdoor supply shops, however, and they are highly illegal in most states. Chances are you will have to find them in a smaller gun store with more exclusive clientele, or possibly at a white supremacist rummage sale. Sorry folks, we got ourselves a bonafide black president now. The race war is off!

Although hand-to-hand melee with zombies can be orgasmically entertaining, for both spectator and participant alike (see page 13 in
Florida Keys
), it is not the most efficient means of zombie combat. Unless you have a light-as-air chainsaw with unlimited oil and gasoline, and a blade that never dulls (see
Doom 1-4
), hand-to-hand combat with the undead will consume your energy while leaving you in much closer-than-comfortable proximity with your enemy than is generally considered healthy. When facing particularly superior numbers, it will be nearly impossible to come out alive in melee against the zombie masses. But if you absolutely must…

Preferred weaponry for combat at arm’s length:

If extremely lucky, you will never find yourself within arm’s length of the undead. However, chances are you won't be so extremely lucky. The undead have a unique ability to remain undead for a lengthy period of time, with little to no maintenance save for the occasional bite of brains. You, on the other hand, will need food, water, and if the chance presents itself, an occasional sexual release in order to keep doing whatever it is you do.

For instance, you will need to go out foraging for supplies and/or poon-tang from time to time, and there is a high probability that you will eventually encounter a random zombie in the cereal aisle of some random grocery store in the middle of Ball Snort Tennessee, or whatever shit-hole town you happen to be passing through on your quest for survival.

Furthermore, it is notoriously difficult to sight your adversary with a rifle or shotgun after they’ve snuck up behind you and put you into a bear hug. For quick, immediate killing power delivered directly from the ball of burning hatred inside your gut, you will need to procure something more suitable to close encounters of this kind.

As a melee weapon, the sledge axe delivers the most bludgeoning, stopping, and raw killing power pound for pound. It is, in the most basic terms, a sledge hammer on one side and an axe on the other. If you have the luxury to pick and choose, select one with a synthetic stock, if there are any left at your local hardware store. Although wood is nature’s preferred stock for strength, and a very useful material overall, it has the irritating tendency to splinter and split while involved in zombie combat.

Synthetic stocks (i.e., plastic stocks) do not warp, split, sleep with your girlfriend, or leave you with the equivalent of a vampire stake while involved in combat with undead who are clearly not vampires (which everyone knows don’t exist anyway). Although most varieties of wood do not have the ability to sleep with your girlfriend, it never hurts to be safe.

Be wary of weapons made out of mahogany, however, the hardest and strongest of all woods. For while weapons of this material will rarely break against the soft flesh of zombies, they will rarely break against the softer parts of your woman too! Human wood of this variety will send your girlfriend to levels of pleasure that you were previously allowed to believe you were already giving her. This is another of the many reasons why I personally prefer a synthetic stock. I mean, what kind of lady is going to have sex with a piece of hard plastic?

The sledge axe has many advantages, but also one huge disadvantage: While it has the ability to both smash and sever the heads of the undead, it requires a vast amount of strength and energy to wield it. If you are not an ogre, a professional athlete, or a complete psycho, you will not have the stamina to wield this weapon for long. After 10-15 inspired swings, your arms will give out, leaving you unable to deliver the powerful and accurate blows needed to send these brain sucking-bastards back to the hell they came from in one melon-splattering head shot.