The Zombie Survival Guide: How To Live Like A King After The Outbreak (3 page)

Because zombies are notoriously difficult to converse with, combined with their tendency toward accelerated decay upon infection, nobody really knows what the exact cause if zombism is. The theories that follow are just that - theories. The so-called “Big Bang” theory may be the theory that makes the most sense to people today, as most scientists concur that it is the best explanation for the creation of the universe we have come up with so far, but that is not to say that it has been
proven
.

There was also a time when most scientists agreed that the world was flat. So, as with any theory, none of what’s written here should be taken at face value. Simply choose the theory that makes the most sense to you, based on whatever preconceptions you have, cling to it with all your might, and prepare to have it debunked. Whether or not you choose to relinquish your hold on it after that is your right as an American citizen.

Another difficulty in the field of zombology is that many “scientists” do not even believe that zombies exist. Oddly enough, there are no published theories on the subject that the scientific community accepts. It is
this
author’s theory, however, that this results from a concerted effort by the Jews, Southern Baptists, and national governments of the world who, for some reason, it seems, wish to cover up and deny the existence of zombism altogether. As a result, we the people are left ignorant, left to repeat history over and over again as each new outbreak occurs. What remains a mystery, though, is where zombies ultimately come from. The remainder of this chapter will be devoted to answering this question.

The following section will examine some of the natural causes of zombism, or, more specifically, causes that can be explained through biological or other natural phenomena.

The theory of biological zombism relies on the premise that zombies contract their disease through some sort of pandemic outbreak, much like a virulent strain of influenza, which can spread quite rapidly from birds, pigs, and other organisms into the human population. If this theory is true, then a new strain of zombism could rapidly zombify the entire world, in the absence of a proper vaccine.

Researchers have been looking for such a vaccine for the better part of the last century, and though there have been some promising strides toward this goal, it has never been easy finding human subjects willing to test the vaccine out. In fact, it has been suggested that many of the zombie outbreaks of the 20
^th
century were directly caused by this type of biological meddling (see
Resident Evil 1, 2 , 3, 4, & 5
. Capcom; 1996-2008).

Still, on the whole, zombie outbreaks throughout history have tended towards relative containment. This is more than likely due to the rapid onset of zombism, which completes its course in 23 hours at most, and the slower speeds of travel people had to endure before the 20
^th
century. Think about how fast a zombie outbreak could explode in today’s world of bullet trains and Twitter!

The point here is that, for most of human history, zombie outbreaks tended to occur on the local level and were often put down easily enough through quarantines and mass extermination measures. Under this scenario, a few people may end up having a natural immunity to the disease, but the rest of the people in the immediate vicinity are usually basically screwed.

Another biological theory holds that it was some form of blood-borne virus that affected a transition from some other lifeform to the human species. Just as AIDS was a virus that may have jumped from monkeys to humans, the zombie virus may have originated in some other creature as well (see
Dead Alive
, directed by Peter Jackson; 1993). I would personally like to thank the monkey fucker who blessed the world with (maybe both!) of this/these wonderful disease(s).

Theoretically, because zombism requires blood-to-blood contact for infection to occur, its spread would be slower and more easily containable. Then again, when a zombie covered in their own zombie blood, and the blood of other zombies, is in the process of “mingling” this with the blood inside of you, it is probably a little too late to start thinking about using protection!

More often than not, rats, or some other filthy creature (possibly Marv Albert) are the likely host whenever humans contract this horrifying condition. This theory is one of the most commonly accepted among those rogue scientists who accept the possibility of zombism. I’m not totally sure where I’m going with this though… Errr… Alright, next theory!

A
h, nuclear radiation - what a wonderful byproduct of human ingenuity. Not only did we create a weapon so powerful it could vaporize entire civilizations, but its byproduct causes the dead to animate and hunger for our brains. Okay New Mexico, let’s have a look at your resume... I see here you invented weapons of mass destruction, embrace earth invading aliens, and cause zombie outbreaks… Oh, and it says here that you are also responsible for Mexicans “taking our jobs.” You’re hired!

In the comic book world, super heroes and super villains obtain superpowers when they come into contact with this amazing glowing ooze. Although radioactive waste is wonderful in the fantasy world, the truth is that coming into contact with high levels of radiation will not endow you with Hulk’s magnificent green physique when you get angry; you will more closely resemble the Toxic Avenger and you will spend the rest of your miserable life in a trailer park raising your fat, unemployed, white trash wife's bastard children.
Do not
intentionally roll around in green glowing ooze unless you are already married to a trailer ogre and already want to kill yourself!

Though the source of unending entertainment value in movies and comic books, particularly those produced during the so-called “Cold War” (when nuclear concerns were “Hot” to say the least), radiation is actually quite low on the list of possible causes of zombism. For one, the rate at which radiation can be spread from person to person is much slower than required for most rampant zombie onslaughts. If you come into contact with a stockpile of radioactive waste, chances are that you will not turn into a superhero or a zombie. However, you will die, probably quite painfully, or best case scenario, have retarded kids.

Nanobots are microscopic machines created in some research lab somewhere, typically by an evil corporation of sorts, that is (supposedly) trying to cure cancer. Their ultimate goal, however, is usually more along the lines of creating the ultimate soldier, or for impairing human conscience and morals for the purpose of producing faithful worker drones and sex slaves. These nanobots are injected into the bloodstream and neural pathways of test subjects who believe that the tiny gremlins are actually going to
help
them. And while the first few batches of test subjects usually die from the havoc these machines typically wreck on organic systems, the last batch of test subjects typically contracts zombism. The scientists prepare the recently deceased for autopsy, but I’ll be a sonofabitch if the bodies don’t turn into reanimated, brain eating butt-fuckers each and every time!

I can picture it now – some hotshot doctor, with a veritable bowl of alphabet soup following his name, is leaning over the naked cadaver of an about-to-be zombie when he is distracted by its phenomenal boobage. Still mesmerized by the “ones” (BIG ones) before him, he does not notice the eyes of the corpse flutter open and a blind look of rage begin to form on its grotesque face.

Looking over his shoulder to see if his peers are in the room, before succumbing to his primal need to give those babies a nice long squeeze, he hears the faint murmur, “brainnns…” which causes him to quickly turn his head while simultaneously moving his lab coat over his crotchal region. But it is already too late. Before the sick bastard can even zip back up, the monster has both of its hands on his cranium, thrusting his face toward its jaws to take a nice big bite full of the doctor’s brilliant, but tragically perverted brain. Soon after, what was once a lab for scientific research becomes ground zero for an apocalyptic zombie outbreak from hell.

Nanobots are actually very similar to viruses in some ways. Like viruses, they are programmed to attack certain cells in the human body (i.e., cancer cells) and rampantly reproduce themselves. Also, these marvels of modern medicine are often forged from organic material, so the human body does not so easily reject them.

One important point of derision: This scenario, though highly plausible in zombie outbreaks of the near future, does nothing to explain zombie outbreaks of the distant past. Unless we are willing to believe that aliens came down from outer space in order to help the ancient Egyptians build nanobots
as well
as the Great Pyramids, then we should do well to remain skeptical of this theory. But here we are back at the Egyptians…

As discussed earlier, the Egyptian pharaohs were
obsessed
with the afterlife. Evidence of this can be seen in their monolithic tombs, whose sole purpose was to house their souls (and the souls of anyone else rich enough to have one) in the spiritual realm.

Their understanding of science was not limited to engineering, however. Archeologists have unearthed evidence of prosthetic surgery along with the infamous mummies. The ancient Egyptians’ understanding of anatomy and how the various systems of the human body interact far surpassed that of all others in the ancient world. The ancient Egyptian priests were given the task of discovering a fountain of youth, granting the earth-walking gods immortality on this mortal plane as well.

It is theorized that the priests succeeded in the demands put upon them by the rulers of ancient Egypt, in a sense... The removal of all internal organs, the embalming process using salt and other curing methods, the layers upon layers of bandages necessary to hold the body together – taking all of these constraints into account, the “youth” that the pharaohs found themselves in probably more closely resembled a sandpit than any kind of fountain they’d ever seen.

There are several documented cases of mummies wandering around at night strangulating unsuspecting townsfolk for no apparent reason. It is plausible that the newly mummified pharaohs were simply pissed off about the way that their “immortality” panned out, and had resorted to blindly groping around, just trying to get their hands on the assholes who had done so well at botching the job. However, it is also plausible that the mummies were not in fact attempting to strangle civilians, but rather grasping at their victim’s necks for the purpose of securing their heads before devouring their brains. Unfortunately for them, however, because the bandages were so tightly wound, they were never able to take a single bite.

Did the pharaohs unknowingly curse themselves with zombism in their quest for immortality? Did the priests accidentally create zombism and intentionally inhibit its spread by tightly binding the head and jaw of the mummies? The world may never know. After all, there is not much evidence to prove this theory, but there is also little evidence to disprove it. That makes it as good as any other, I guess…