The Zombie Survival Guide: How To Live Like A King After The Outbreak (5 page)

In a recent laboratory study of rats, an interesting phenomena was discovered. While most rats instinctively avoid any area with the stench of cat urine, rats infected with this parasite habitually ignored this natural defense, and in fact seemed to deliberately seek out and venture into known cat pissing grounds, unphased and even seemingly attracted by the aroma of their natural adversary’s excrement. This additional example of zombie mind-control allows the parasite, fully incubated in the bowels of cats and rats alike, to rampantly spread through the feline species who prey upon infected rodents.

What is also interesting is that this parasite easily mutates, due to its microbial simplicity, and has been known to infect
Homo sapiens
as well. Only mildly harmful to its primary human host, it is, however, commonly accepted by the scientific community that the parasite may cause mild schizophrenia in the young of those infected.

Although still a theory, it is accepted as truth by many scientists who believe in zombism that large dosages of this parasite can cause an otherwise normal human to long for brains like rats and mice long for cat shit. These humans have the propensity to become carriers as well, thus inducing yet another potential zombie outbreak. This scenario would most likely be due to the parasite’s easily adaptable microbial state, coupled with the unusually large intake of cats and rats in the diet of many Asian cultures around the world. And also all the mouse and rat shit commonly found in cheap, buffet style restaurants, making Caucasian highly susceptible as well.

The realm of the supernatural is occupied by strange beings and lost souls, and it is represented here on the earthly plane of existence by heretics, witches, and warlocks. Contrary to what some may think, it is an evil, dark-sided, and altogether un-Christian (did I mention evil?) world, and if an unclean soul dares to enter, it can quickly be consumed by the black armies within.

Not the black army of the RUF, or Revolutionary United Front, that was funded by Western nations as a hands off, “I didn't do it” response to the genocide in Sierra Leone. No, I'm speaking of the black army prophesied in ancient scriptures - an army of disenfranchised, undead, merciless killers. In retrospect, the black army is actually quite similar to the RUF, them and the army from
Army of Darkness
.

Voodoo and its close cousin Santeria were the direct result of Catholic “missionary” work gone horribly wrong. No, not priests teaching little boys the missionary position, and then getting sued by the little brats years later (even though they probably liked it). No, something far worse than even that. While “converting” the slaves they brought over to the Americas from Africa, Catholic missionaries actively forced their
religion
upon the captives with whips, chains, humiliation, and mutilation. And
those
folks are
still
waiting for
their
reparations!

As a result of this coercion, the captives changed the names of their own gods to match the names of the approximate saints from the Catholic pantheon. This allowed the slaves to appease their masters while at the same time hang onto a vestige of their roots. Consequently, after many severe lashings and other forms of brutal punishment, what was once a religion of largely peaceful, nature-loving deities was converted into dark and dangerous group of spirits, or “loa,” willing and able to curse any living creature with the same hell that their subjects suffered in. At least that was the way their European masters saw things…

The perpetual beatings and torture by their new white masters spawned the mysterious religions of Voodoo and Santeria. Consumed with hatred for their masters, the collective psyche of the slaves gave them power in the face of insurmountable oppression. The holy men and women among them were able to curse their masters with bad breath, impotence, and even smaller penises than the ones they already had. Through the collective belief that, if willed strongly enough, they could win in their struggle for freedom, the slaves granted themselves a very powerful magic.

Religious theologians (are there any other kind?) hypothesize that the oppressed populous was able to believe so strongly, with the most powerful emotions of hope and hate, that their priests and priestesses were able to gain unique physical and spiritual powers. One of these was the ability to inflict pain and disease upon their enemies with dolls made to resemble the intended victims, usually composed of their hair, nail clippings, clothing, or other personal belongings. Incidentally (actually, this may be what justifies their inclusion in this book), they also gained the ability to animate the dead.

Those animated through the dark arts of Voodoo are not technically zombies, however. The “voodoo zombie” results from the soul of a weak-willed person, dead already for all intents and purposes, being trapped inside their body by a powerful voodoo master. The result is a passive slave that must follow the orders of whoever controls its soul. They are typically made to perform horrific acts of housework, such as cleaning out the gutters, doing the laundry, and washing and putting away the dishes after meals – basically a slave’s slave.

This theory is pretty ridiculous (unlike the others, of course), so I'm not going to dignify it by spending much time and effort by way of explanation. I will, however, give some reasons for why I think it’s a stupid theory.

Like any newbie, you may at first find yourself a bit squeamish about the horrific acts you will undoubtedly have to perform in your quest for survival. Although fighting against the undead, and not so much your fellow man, your heart will have to be black with hate if you expect to live, and you will need to bury your emotions to the point that you are just as dead on the inside as your enemy. If you cannot get into this mindset for yourself, or even for the friends and family you have been called upon to protect (you fucking pussy – have you been listening to Depeche Mode again?), then for the sake of bloody Christ at least do it for the big J.C.!

But even the awesome power of Jesus cannot save the poor lost souls of the zombified. You, God's chosen one, shall have to take on the role of St. Michael, the angle of death, and personally escort the walking dead to the pearly gates yourself, in most cases employing the most horrific displays of ultra violence imaginable. Remember, God loves it when you help him in his quest of returning souls to heaven. Why do you think Al Queda is so eager to step up to the plate? Virgins? Most of these queerbies wouldn’t even know what to do with a single virgin, let alone 72 of them. In any case, you too are needed to carry out God's will. Are you up for the challenge? If so, read on…

Good, you’re still here. The first thing you’ll need to do, if you are truly up to the task, is procure some zombie-destroying tools to assist you. HOWEVER, do not think that weapons alone will be enough to win the fight. Remember, a true zombie killer needs the mentality that will allow him/her to consume raw meat and cook it with the hatred that burns deep inside.

If you are incapable of developing this level of hate, then you have one of two choices: 1) Become zombie feed, or 2) do it for LOVE – the love of Jesus. Your savior came back to life for you, did he not? And not as an undead Jesus infected with zombism, but as a fully revived Jesus that somehow came back to life only to die again, so that you may be absolved of all sin and allowed to LIVE! That sacrifice did not come free of charge, however. In return, you must deliver the abominable souls that rightly belong to God with acts of extreme violence and bloodshed. After all, that is what sacrifice is all about!

Preferred weaponry for combat at 50-100 yards:

When faced with an apocalyptic zombie onslaught, you're going to want the ability fire a lot of rounds downstream, and you're going to want to do it fast – real fast. Recommended for just this purpose is the soviet manufactured Kalashnikov, more commonly known as the AK-47.

During the Vietnam war, the United States became more concerned with public relations than scoring the highest body count. As a result, they developed the M-16, which would become the kinder, gentler assault rifle of preference for its armed forces for years to come.

More in keeping with the nation’s desire to appear less menacing to peaceniks and bleeding heart liberals at home, the M-16/AR-15 delivers the .223 round, which is basically a 5.56 mm caliber bullet with the stopping power of a teddy bear.

Designed to inflict fewer casualties and more or less just slow the enemy down, the .223 round was not designed to kill. To be honest, it is really nothing more than a .22 caliber round with a bit more powder behind it. To put it bluntly, my pathetic white dick after a long night of drinking has more stopping power than an M-16.

As stated previously, the M-16/AR-15 semi automatic rifle was designed with the goal of maiming, rather than flat-out killing all members of the opposing force. Theoretically, this would cause their comrades in arms to be unduly burdened with the wounded, to the point where their capture/surrender became much more likely. In layman's terms, the M-16 was designed to simply
slow down
“Charlie,” known locally as “the Vietnamese.” Therefore, the round it fires comes not only out of the gun’s barrel, but out of the deep-seated physiological need for humans to help their fellow man.

This tactic may work well when fighting the living, “well” being a purely subjective term here, but however effective it has proven in human warfare, zombies warfare is an entirely different bag all around. Zombies, it turns out, have no feelings at all for their fallen comrades. They will even devour their own kind if it is all they have to sustain themselves on their path to devouring you.