The Zombie Survival Guide: How To Live Like A King After The Outbreak (7 page)

The average zombie warrior should at the very least be packing a machete. The machete is a long, cleaver-like blade, typically used to clear thick brush in a rain forest environment. I nicknamed mine “Chopper,” which is short for “I'm going to chop your maggoty face to pieces!”

Designed to cut through thick vines and stems, the machete is well adapted for slicing through the relatively thin layers of flesh in the neck region, as well as breaking through the upper spinal column that connects a zombie's dome piece to its torso.

To decapitate a zombie with a hand-held weapon is just as likely to make you cream your pants as doing it with a rifle or a shotgun, perhaps even more so. However, it should be noted that it is neither necessary to achieve complete decapitation, nor spontaneous orgasm, in order to make this happen. All that is specifically required to destroy a zombie via this method is to disrupt the nerves connecting the brain to the rest of the body. This is accomplished by cutting through or shattering the upper spinal column, which just so happens to be located in the neck. Any severance below this point will allow whatever remains of the zombie’s body to continue after you, even if it’s just a finger or a lower jaw.

Annihilate
your opponent, be it your former grandmother, daughter, wife/husband, or even Stacy Sweet from down the street, whom you've had a crush on since middle school. It should be noted, however, that just because
you
still live at home with your parents at the age of 30, that doesn’t necessarily mean that
she
still does...

There is no gray area when it comes to zombie annihilation. You must remove the gray matter from the creature possessing the host body. The person you once knew is dead and gone. All that remains is an animated shell of a person consumed with the sole purpose of devouring your brains. Therefore, the only logical course of action is to kill indiscriminately, without regret or sympathy. Sever the neck and spine of your foe, unless you’d rather become one of them as well…

Where or when the next outbreak will occur is anyone’s guess. However, there will at least be some subtle hints that something is amiss on the day to outbreak occurs. Soon enough, you will know that there is definitely something going on, and eventually you will know
for sure
that something is definitely
wrong
– hopefully before it is too late.

On your way to work there will be an unusually large number of car accidents for some reason. Unlike myself, most normal people don’t call into work in the morning just because they’re feeling a little funky, and need to heal by drinking away their sickness while jerking off to daytime soap operas.

These sick commutersers are about to turn, and shortly before turning, the living may unexpectedly pass out and die shortly after. You will likely notice groups of people surrounding these victims, trying to help or just being morbidly curious. This curiosity and tendency to help are what will ultimately lead to the rapid mass infection. As the dead suddenly turn, they will violently awaken and attack all those who surround them.

Do not fall into this trap. While others are busy gathering around the soon-to-be zombies, thus securing a similar fate for themselves, you should take this opportunity to get the hell right out of there before they multiply!

If you actually do manage to make it to work, you could take the opportunity to grab a heavy blunt object and wait for your boss, who is likely to start feeling ill at some point himself, to complete his own transformation. Just make sure that he/she has already turned before you begin taking out all those years of frustration on their skull. Once the outbreak is over, you might like to keep your old job and all of your paid time off if possible. After this battle, you’re going to need it!

By the end of first day, the majority of public will be aware that some type of strange phenomena is occurring. Watch the news, as this is a critical time. If you have not procured all of your supplies already, you are going to want to do so quickly. Depending on your area, all of the stores may be flooded with people already. If they are, stay away from them. You do not want to be anywhere near a large group of people right now, as the higher the number of people are in a given location, the higher the chance of encountering the infected. Besides, you don’t want to end up like those poor suckers who got trampled to death over Tickle Me Elmo. Wherever you get yours supplies, however, you must be prepared to empty your savings account (all $26.47 of it) and buy as much ammunition and nonperishable food as you can. After that, get some fresh meat and fruit, this is the last time you will enjoy this luxury for a long time. Watch the news, enjoy one of your last satisfying meals, and wait for the time to move.

At this stage it is far too soon to be out lopping heads off in the street. The police will not be so overwhelmed yet as to ignore your vigilantism, and you could possibly even be classified as another deranged psycho now roaming the streets. It is likely that you could end up stuck in a holding cell with a few soon-to-be zombies if you make your actions too visible in this period of impending anarchy.

By the next morning or afternoon, it will have become very apparent that something is definitely, seriously wrong, even to the people who already live in mountain caves, in submarines, on space stations, and in shelters underground. It has now been over 23 hours since the new strain of zombism hit the street, and however it was contracted this time, most of the folks who initially contracted it are likely to have turned by now. In all likelihood, the police will know all too well the true nature of the threat they are up against, and will probably be pinned down in the field or in a conference room forming their plan of attack.

Now is the time to act. Loot, rob, and pillage for any supplies that you’ve yet to secure. Try to resist the urge to steal nonessentials, such as videogame consoles and plasma screen TVs. These are only useful in battling pretend zombies with friends online, and will not be of any use to you while you are actually fighting for your actual life. Either way, the police will be far too busy dealing with the growing swarms of zombified killing machines to worry about your petty (and not so petty) larcenies. Do you happen to own a pickup truck?

If not, go over to the house of that neighbor with the impeccable lawn, the who is always bitching about your dead, overgrown grass to the neighborhood association. Stick your shotgun in his face, slap his wife on the ass and take his truck from him. If you are lucky enough to find that he has turned already, you can blow the brains out the back of his head and onto his recently polished hardwood floor.

Then, burn rubber to the more-than-likely closed hardware store and get that awesome generator you've had your eye on for some time. While you’re there, make sure to get plenty of rope, gas cans, and various tools which you may or may not need. I've always wanted a band saw, so personally I would take this opportunity to procure one.

On your way to the gas station, where you intend to pull a drive-off with a full tank and truck bed of brimming gas cans, make sure to stop by the local liquor store. If the neighborhood winos haven’t already ransacked the place, grab as much tobacco and spirits as you can fit into your new truck. This is recommend for two reasons: One, I'm a chain smoking lush. Two, in about a month, all currency is going to be completely worthless. You’re going to need the things people cherish, such as vices and vital supplies to trade with survivors of the outbreak. The legitimate market will be virtually extinct, and all that will remain is a barter-based black market. So unless you want to end up smoking some dude’s pole in exchange for the right to smoke a single stale cigarette, you’d better stock up while you can!

Get to your stash/safe spot, unload, and repeat the process as many times as is safely possible. Do not get greedy! After a short time, your brilliant idea to loot everything in sight will be adopted by the rest of the city. Remember, large crowds equal danger, from both the living and the undead. The police will be concentrated in riot zones, firing tear gas and beanbag slugs into the crowd. Also, the rioting masses may decide that they like your new truck and take it just as easily as you first took it yourself.

Once the government breaks down and admits that a zombie outbreak has occurred, at a record speed of 48 hours after the fact, you need to be as far away and hidden from the rest of society as you possibly can. If you are lucky, you can ride things out and wait for the outbreak to end.

Although it is a popular misconception that zombies live forever, it is untrue. Zombies are dead and stupid, and because they are dead and stupid, they have no cognitive ability to avoid clumsy accidents or immunity to the bacteria and insects that will eventually decompose their being. If you can hole up for a good year, preferably two, your area should be relatively zombe-free. With a good hiding spot and a lot of luck, you will not encounter many zombies or humans while you wait for them all to drop dead. This, unfortunately, will probably not be the case.

Ideally, you will already have scouted out a safe house or two to hole up in before the outbreak even occurs (I’ve got six or seven lined up myself!), preferably out in the country somewhere, as you’ll want to be as far away from dense populations as possible. However, you do not want to be so far away from everything that you will be unable to scavenge for supplies when necessary.

Your shelter should be constructed of brick, stone, adobe, or any other material and is resistant to both fire and physical force. Try to avoid buildings with windows on the ground floor if you have no means of securely boarding them up.

Although popularized in
Dawn of the Dead
and other zombie movies, the mall is probably the last place you’d want to be during a zombie outbreak. Like many, I too frequented malls in my youth to troll for mall ass, but the only ass you’re going to find at a mall after the outbreak is your own in a sling if you choose such a stupid fortress.

There are plenty of supplies to be found at the mall, but not many essentials. The latest fashion styles will not do you much good on the battlefield you will soon enter. Plus, the doorways are typically made of glass, in order to advertise goods and services (and now your brains), and glass is a notoriously difficult medium to fortify as it has the tendency to shatter with 2,000+ lbs of zombie pressed up against it.

Rather, choose a place in the countryside that is not connected to the sewage or water systems of the city. There is a good chance that a month after the outbreak all public works will no longer be functional, and you don't want to be stuck taking a shit on top of somebody else’s until the smoke finally clears. This shit-uation will quickly escalate into a mountain of feces that stinks of man and lures the undead right to your doorstep. It may seem more like a minor afterthought than a crucial feature for your safe house, but you’ll definitely be better off with well water and a septic system. Then again, chances are you’ll end up shitting in a hole and drinking rainwater out of the gutter for at least part of the time anyway, so unless you’ve really got your preparations down tight, you’ll probably have bigger concerns than finding the perfect zombie-proof pad right off the bat.

Dealing with humans after the outbreak may be even trickier than dealing with the zombies, who are altogether more predictable as a whole. Competition for resources has become fierce enough already, and after such a cataclysmic event as a zombie apocalypse, humans will likely be even more dangerous than zombies when their backs are up against the wall. To make matters worse, you won't ever be able to tell just who is your ally and who is your enemy, as humans, unlike their undead counterparts, have the cognitive ability to lie.

When approaching a prospective human, first ask them what their name is.