The Zombie Survival Guide: How To Live Like A King After The Outbreak (9 page)

One thing you can say about zombies – they have a truly COLOSSAL tolerance for pain. They do feel it to some degree, with whatever nerves they have left, but at a level so low that no human could possibly fathom. Either way, this translates into bad news for those of you trying to incapacitate or drive them off using the same pain-inflicting techniques you would use on a conventionally sensitive beast. Unlike your kid brother, zombies will never yell “Uncle!”

In addition to dismal pain reception, zombies also have poor vision. The eyes are one of the body's most sensitive organs, and they quickly dry out, particularly after one’s entire circulatory system has been shut down. Zombies do, however, have superior night vision, like that of a cat or a dog. They see in mostly black and white, making them superior hunters at nighttime and in other low-light situations.

If possible, try to avoid undead engagement during the evening or inside of dimly lit buildings. Zombies see better than humans do under these circumstances, and you will need every advantage you can get in order to survive the outbreak. It is tempting to employ a flashlight as an equalizer here, but this will only succeed in helping you to visualize the dozens of additional zombies your foolishness will inevitably attract.

Another perceptual advantage that zombies enjoy is a heightened sense of smell. This is more than likely how they will locate you. Just as you can smell them from great distances, they too can smell you from even
greater
distances. When venturing outside, it is important to douse yourself with buck urine or skunk gland extract, or any other strong animal musk you can find, in order to cover up your comparatively delicate (and appetizing) human odor. In fact, if you can trap a skunk, don't eat it if you don't need the meat. It will be much more valuable to you if you keep it alive and periodically harvest its perfume.

Another effective olfactory deterrent is rolling around in a pile of zombie remains. While this will certainly result in more stink than most people can bear, it will do a lot to convince zombies that you are not a potential meal. Haven’t you ever wondered why so few dogs are bitten/infected? Just make sure to keep your eyes and mouth shut while you’re submerged…

Although superior in their sense of smell and night vision, zombies can barely hear a thing. So don't be afraid of attracting them with gunfire, chainsaws, or obnoxious music. You will still want to be wary of attracting unwanted human attention, though, especially if you are dumb enough to play anything off the top 40. If you must insist on playing any kind of music, do yourself a favor and stick with baroque harpsichord compositions, John Denver, and anything else that practically NO ONE listens to.

Zombies feed on nothing but your brains. Even vegetarian hosts that become infected do not continue hungering for
bran
, they revert to their more carnivorous nature and desire only to gorge themselves on your
brains
.

What is interesting is that zombies are actually incapable of digesting their food. This is good news for you, because as they stuff themselves at the brain equivalent of the Golden Coral buffet, their stomachs swell and eventually burst, causing internal hemorrhaging that slows and weakens them. In some particularly voracious zombies, their bellies will split open completely upon reaching triple capacity, thus assisting nature in its own gluttony by allowing bugs and bacteria easier access to their insides.

As mentioned previously, zombies are incredibly dimwitted. They cannot comprehend arithmetic, poetry, or British humor. This may not make them that different from the average American, but WHAT-EVER. I personally don't comprehend British humor either; I mean, I understand the jokes, I just don't think they are funny. Okay?

The astoundingly low level of zombie intelligence becomes apparent when one of them sees you through a window. Although it has the ability to smash right through the window and come after you, most of the time it will only try to bite the glass as if you and the window were one and the same. In fact, in most cases windows are only broken because of the pressure that builds up from the forward-pushing horde as it grows in weight through numbers.

There are many other examples of zombie stupidity out there, enough to fill another book! But lest I ruin it for the readers, may I suggest you look no further than FOX, CNN, or MSNBC during any minute of any hour of any day.

Zombies tend to travel in packs. The cursed souls always seem to congregate and roam together for some reason, slowly growing in numbers as they encounter each other, a phenomena that rather resembles the behavior of NASCAR fans. They never actually shrink in numbers unless some good Samaritan humanely assists them with the use of a deadly weapon. Otherwise, they just keep right on multiplying into a legion of brain-dead goons.

Why they behave in this manner is unknown. As far as anyone has ever been able to tell, there is never any kind of zombie leader among the congregations. Some theorize that they communicate the same way ants do, by way of pheromones, but even this seems unlikely, as there would most likely be some kind of observable pecking order in their interactions.

When an ant detects food, it releases a certain amount of pheromone directly related to the amount of food it detects. Therefore, if an ant detects a large amount of food, it will release a large amount of pheromone, rapidly attracting multitudes of its cohorts. All of the other ants follow whichever one is emitting the strongest pheromone signal (and is therefore closest to dinner).

As unlikely as it sounds, this would explain the phenomena of hordes of zombies suddenly appearing all at once, or slowly growing into a horde when at first there were only a few. As other zombies pick up on the feeding pheromones being released by those that have already established the presence of fresh brains in the area, more and more of them will be attracted to that location, and the more of them that show up, the stronger the pheromone signal becomes, until you have a regular Lilith Fair on your hands! Only these concertgoers aren’t there to see Sarah Mclachlan or feast upon mountains of unwashed muff. They are only there to mosh to the rhythm of their own zombo-mambo and crowd surf right into your brains!

I know, it sounds crazy, but to date this is the most commonly accepted theory. Honestly, are you really all that surprised?

Regardless of its actual veracity, you should use this information to your advantage. If you see a zombie or two, exterminate them with the quickness and then (this should be second nature to you by now) burn the bodies. It is unknown how long zombies will excrete these chemicals after death, but some say that when in close proximity to humans, their glands will remain hyperactive for several hours even after being de-animated.

It is probably safe to assume that the presence of even a single zombie indicates that a whole gang of face-eaters have picked up your scent. Spray your whole crew with skunk essence or whatever else is available, and distribute the odor in a 100 foot radius from the center of your hideout as well.

Alert the night watch to heighten their awareness with whatever speed or cocaine is left, as these zombie scouts may have enlightened a whole swarm of undead to your whereabouts with their goddamned pheromones.

If you do find yourself suddenly confronted by a zombie horde (they can team up on you quick), be smart – conserve ammo and do not attack. It is probably too late to do anything but retreat, that is if they don’t already have you surrounded. By now other zombie swarms are likely privy to your location and advancing upon your stronghold as well. There is no stopping a zombie advance of this magnitude, as it never stops, unless you happen to have a spare nuclear warhead lying around, which will no doubt kill you as well as your enemies. No, they will just keep coming and coming in waves that will eventually break through your defenses, turning you into the monster you fought so hard to defeat, and furthering the cycle of infection.

If you are lucky enough to escape, you must be able to move quickly. Ditch whatever equipment and supplies that you won’t be able to easily carry, as they won’t do you a whole lot of good when you’re dead.

When the time comes to make a run for it, load your shotguns with incendiary rounds if you have any. Although not recommended when engaging a few zombies at short range, as they have a tendency to mindlessly ignite everything around them as well (including your fortress), this
is
an ideal tactic when abandoning your compound. Who cares if your stronghold burns to ashes? Take a page out of Stalin's playbook and burn your fortifications to encourage the enemy's advance, and ultimately their death.

Fire's effect on zombies is comparable to the effect of zombism on humans – it spreads rampantly and without compromise. Remember, humans are over 75 percent water, and as a result they do not burst into flames that easily. You may singe every hair on your ball sack while making your escape, but zombies, having lost most of their internal fluids, will go up like haystacks!

Disburse incendiary rounds straight up the ass of the crowd that blocks your exit. Never mind the fact that their asses are not currently facing you; it’s a figure of speech. Although they do have a high tolerance for pain, the undead easily panic and scurry like roaches when lit aflame. Introducing fire into a crowd of zombies will result in an inferno you would swear Dante himself created.

As the dead begin to smolder, retreat to your vehicles and use them to pulverize any who block your path, utilizing the raw power of your Chevy large block engine (my personal ideal). By now you should have attached a snow plow to your vehicle, or else fabricated something similar to those cow-clearing devices found on the fronts of trains. This accomplishes two tasks: One, it keeps the undead from smearing up your windshield when they splatter en mass. And two, well it really comes in handy for plowing snow when zombies aren’t around.

Every moment you wait decreases your odds of escape. Your group is facing a dire situation here, and if you don't move quickly, you will all die. Also, do not exhaust any more of your supplies or ammo than you absolutely must on your way out of there. Conserve it for your journey to and the defense of your next fortress, wherever you may (and that’s a pretty big MAY at this point) find it.

So ends the bulk of the handbook. Through careful study, you have by now learned the basic theory and practice behind zombology and anti-zombie counterinsurgency tactics, knowledge which will serve you well when the zombie apocalypse finally comes.

However, lest you become bored with the constant cycle of fleeing and fighting against the unrelenting zombie hoards, this present chapter contains helpful suggestions for spicing up your struggle for survival through one of my favorite post-outbreak hobbies: Zombie training!

It is a common misconception that zombies cannot be trained. Though it may be true that they can never be completely mastered, they can at least be capitulated once their will has been broken. After this, zombies can serve you in a variety of menial tasks, such as taking on the role of coat rack, custodian, or even court jester!

However, to get a zombie to this point entails performing acts of brutality that would overcome the average man and drop him to his knees, pleading to the good lord above for forgiveness.

Put on your sadist hat and prepare to inflict a beating upon your subject that will scar your fists as well as your soul.

Attach a chain around your soon-to-be zombie slave. Approach it and wait for it to reach out in an attempt to grab your head and consume your brains. This is the behavior you are trying to suppress, so it is crucial that you recognize this exact moment when it occurs.

It will not take long at first. The creature will immediately concede to its natural instincts and attack without reason or fear of consequences. It is then that you must take this opportunity to execute the first step towards your goal of ultimate zom-dom.

It is most commonly accepted that zombism is spread via saliva and other bodily fluids. Therefore, if you are going to keep a zombie in your midst, either as a slave or a subject for study, it is an absolute must that you secure their jaw region. This can be accomplished with a hockey mask, dog muzzle, or, more simply, with one of those red ball gags commonly stocked by dildo shops. Also, in any close interaction with zombies, it is highly recommended that you use gloves to protect your hands. I recommend using 7 oz MMA gloves, as these will simultaneously soften your blows, so you don't destroy the delicate bone structure of you new concubine’s face, while at the same time allowing you to take hold of your subject safely should you have to.