This Can't be Life (47 page)

“Oh, yeah! To my surprise! Now what is it?” I asked, as we clinked our glasses together.

“You’ll see at
7:00
. We have to meet your surprise for dinner,” he said, kissing me on my forehead and heading out to the balcony to smoke a cigarette.

“We’re meeting my surprise for dinner?” I asked, confused.

“Yup! So get ready. You have less than an hour,” he said, blowing smoke out of his nose.

“I thought you said you weren’t going to smoke around me, Carlton Banks. Now I’m locking you outside,” I joked as I pretended to close the balcony door.

“You ain’t crazy,” he said, smiling. “I hardly ever smoke around you, and I’m outside now. So quit complainin’,” he said with a smile on his face, blowing smoke in my direction.

As we sat down for dinner at Ruth’s Chris Steakhouse, I was anxious to find out who was meeting us for dinner when a tall blond man whom I’d never seen before walked up to the table.
Carlton
stood and greeted the man by first name as I sat there, wishing I knew what in the hell was going on.

“Simone, this is Rob Maynard of Maynard and Maynard Investigative Services.” I shook his hand as he took a seat opposite
Carlton
and me.

“He has some good news for you, babe,”
Carlton
said, squeezing my knee. I still hadn’t said one word. I saw Rob Maynard’s mouth moving, but my mind was moving at such an impetuous pace, I couldn’t slow it down to register what he’d said.

“Simone, did you hear him? He said he found your real mother,”
Carlton
said, wrapping his arm around my shoulders.

“What do you mean? What is he talking about, Carlton?” I asked, looking back and forth between the two men. I was very confused.

“This is your surprise, babe! We found her and she is here.”

“What? She is here in this restaurant?” I said, looking around, on the verge of tears. I didn’t know how to feel. I was so overwhelmed. I wasn’t expecting this in a million years.

“No, no she isn’t here in this restaurant, Simone. She is here in Charlotte. This is where she lives,” Rob Maynard interjected.

“I can’t believe this,” I said as a single tear rolled down my cheek.

“I’m sorry, baby. Are you upset?” Carlton asked, looking perplexed.

“No way! I’m happy. I just don’t know what to say. I’m numb,” I murmured, wiping tears from my face.

“Does she want to see me? What did she say? Tell me everything.” I said, all at once. I was afraid to get excited, because I didn’t even know if she wanted to see me or not.

“She can’t wait to see you, Simone. She was beside herself when I contacted her. She wants me to give you her information so you can call her to set something up before you leave, if that is what you want to do,” Rob Maynard said, smiling.

I couldn’t wait another minute to talk to my mother. I took the information from Rob Maynard, excused myself from the table, and walked outside to the front of the restaurant. I dialed her telephone number with shaking hands, hoping she would answer. Pacing back and forth in front of the restaurant, I was startled to hear a recorded message from the operator stating the phone had been temporarily disconnected. Tears sprang to my eyes and I had to clear them to look at the number that I’d dialed. Too worked up to focus, I just dialed again, praying that I had misdialed the first time. By the third ring, a woman answered the phone and my stomach hit the ground. I couldn’t catch my breath. I had to literally make myself breathe. By her third hello, I was finally able to speak.

“Hello, can I speak to Darlene Patterson, please?” I asked.

“This is she. Simone, is it you?” she asked excitedly. I couldn’t believe I had my real mother on the other end of the phone. Tears streamed down my face in floods. I’m sure people walking by thought I was crazy, and I couldn’t have cared less.

“Yes, it’s me. How are you?”

“I’m better now that I know where you are! I can’t believe I’m on the phone with you! I’ve missed you so much, Simone. I can’t begin to tell you how much I’ve missed you!” she said. I could hear the tears in her voice and the sincerity behind her words.

“I can’t believe it, either. Ever since I found out that Marie wasn’t my real mother, I couldn’t wait to find you. I had to find you. Why did you leave me?” That question came as an afterthought. I wasn’t planning to just blurt that out the way I did. Carlton walked up and wrapped his arms around me. The timing couldn’t have been more perfect. I placed my forehead on his chest and kept the phone to my ear as tears poured from my eyes, hitting the ground like raindrops.

“Baby, it’s such a long, complex story. Can I talk to you face to face so I can explain everything? Can we meet so I can tell you what happened, Simone? You may understand and you may not, but just know one thing. I’ve loved you every day of your life. I loved you more than I’ve ever loved myself. You have been with me every day right here in my heart,” she cried.

“I’m here in Charlotte staying at the Ritz Carlton. Can you meet me in the morning in the lobby?” I asked.

“I wouldn’t miss it for the world. What time?” she asked, sounding very anxious.

“How about 8:00, or is that too early?” I asked. I wanted to see her right now but I needed time to let this all sink in, to absorb the fact that I knew where my mother was and that she loved me and wanted to see me after all of these years.

“I’d be there at 5:00 in the morning if that was the time you suggested. I’ll be there, Simone. I can’t wait to see you. God has answered my prayers. I love you.”

“Okay, I’ll see you in the morning,” I whispered into the phone before I hung up. I wasn’t comfortable telling this woman who I had never laid my eyes on, that I loved her, too. I wasn’t sure how I felt about the whole situation. When it came down to it, I was scared shitless of what her excuse would be for letting some other woman raise me. I wasn’t sure if I could forgive her now that I was faced with the reality of it.

I was nervous as hell as I sat in the lobby of the Ritz, waiting for my mother to show up. My palms were sweaty and my heart was beating at a rapid pace. I had never felt this anxious in my whole life. I felt like I was on the verge of a panic attack. I had to consciously regulate my breathing. Carlton offered to come down with me, but I wanted to do this on my own. We needed time to talk. She had a lot to explain and I had a lot to say. When she walked in, I knew it was her right away. She looked more nervous than I did. We met each other half way and hugged for longer than I’d ever hugged a woman in my whole life. Suddenly, I realized that I didn’t care why she left me. I loved her instantly!

I’d gotten a room so we could have some privacy and spend as long as we wanted catching up. When we got into the suite, room service had set up a breakfast of eggs, bacon, bagels, croissants, pancakes, waffles, smoked lox, fruit, coffee, tea, orange juice… Anything you could want was probably on that table and I doubted that we would eat any of it. Looking at her, I couldn’t stop tears from springing from my eyes. She was a beautiful woman, but I could tell that she’d had some hard times in her life. Other than that, we looked a lot alike.

“Are you hungry?” I asked as we sat outside on the terrace.

“No, I can’t eat anything. I would like some coffee if that’s all right.” She looked nervous and I wanted her to feel as comfortable as she could.

“Okay, let me get it for you.” I got up, but she stopped me by touching my shoulder.

“No, Simone, I’ll get it,” she said, rising from her chair. I didn’t protest. Just got up, went with her, and made a cup of tea for myself. I brought the coffee carafe back to the terrace so she could refill whenever she chose without having to go back inside.

“I’m so nervous,” she admitted.

“Me too, but I’m glad this moment is finally here. I didn’t sleep at all last night.”

“Me, either,” she confessed with a beautiful smile, identical to mine.

“I can’t believe how much you look like your grandmother. You are amazingly beautiful,” she said, staring into my face. I didn’t feel the least bit uncomfortable under her gaze.

“I’m sorry I didn’t fight harder for you, Simone,” she started. I said nothing as I fidgeted with my fingers, waiting for her to continue. “I don’t know how much you know about your father…he was an amazing man, so handsome and strong, so alluring. I always had a crush on him, but of course, he wasn’t paying me any mind because I was so young. He was 16 at the time, and I was a very young 12. We actually grew up on the same block. I knew all your aunties and uncles, just about his whole family. A few months before I turned 18, I finally got your father’s attention. I had been in love with him for as long as I can remember, so when he finally gave me the time of day, I fell hard for him. Five months later, it was time for me to leave to go away to college in Virginia. I didn’t want to leave him, but I knew my mother would kill me if I didn’t go. I had a scholarship and I was the first in my family to go to college. So as much as I didn’t want to leave, I knew I had to go to better my future. Julius broke things off with me before I left, saying that I needed to concentrate on my studies. I thought my heart was going to break, literally.” She sipped her coffee and continued.

“I didn’t see your father again until I was 20 and we started back seeing each other.

I’ve never loved a man like I loved Juju. He was the love of my life. So, when we ran back into each other, we picked up right where we left off. By then, he was heavy into dope dealing. That was around the time when heroin was real popular. He was the man to see if you needed anything. That was one of the best summers of my life. Running around with him and just being with him was like being in heaven to me. Then I had to go back to school. He broke things off again. I was so close to saying forget school and forget everything, but I knew that would break my mother’s heart. So, I went back to school, broken hearted again, but focused on school. Not long after that, I started grad school in DC and got a job there after I finished. When I was around 24, your grandmother was diagnosed with breast cancer. So, I moved back to LA and ran back into your father again. By that time, I was dabbling in cocaine, partying, and just heading down the wrong path. During the 70s, just about everybody snorted cocaine and partied, so I never worried about becoming addicted. I was working for a bank, making good money, and spending my weekends partying hard. When Juju came back into my life, I stopped doing all that partying and my mother’s cancer went into remission. I was happier than I had been in a long time.”

“About a year later, your father and I got a condo in Redondo Beach. And shortly after that, I found out I was pregnant. We were both so happy. But, as soon as you were born, it seemed that your father was never around. He had always been in and out of town, but never that much. Then, my mother’s cancer returned with a vengeance, spreading through her body like a wild fire. It was just one thing after another. If it wasn’t something on my shoulders, it was something on my lap. I was carrying so much and I wasn’t strong enough to carry all the weight that was being dropped on me. Then, one day, when it was just you and me at home, I got a knock on my door. I opened it to find a beautiful woman who claimed she was married to your father. Her name was Marie — funny, I had given you the same middle name, not knowing, that was his
wife’s
, and Julius sure didn’t stop me. Anyway, all I will say about her is that she was definitely a piece of work. When she heard you crying, she bombarded her way into my house and went looking for you. As soon as she saw you, she knew that you were Julius’ baby. You looked just like him. Still do,” she said, wiping tears from her eyes. I held her hand as she continued.

“I couldn’t believe that your father had been married the whole time we’d been back together. Come to find out, he was married when we first rekindled our relationship over my summer break all those years ago. My heart was broken. To make a long story short, your father and I had it out. I moved our stuff out and moved back in with my mother. I needed to be there anyway to help her. And she just adored you. Having you around really lifted her spirits.”

“How old was I at the time?” I asked.