Authors: Andy Griffiths
âGood morning, class,' he said brightly. âAnd what a wonderful morning it is!'
âUm,' said Fiona, âI don't want to be rude, but it's actually not that wonderful. It's pouring rain, there's thunder and lightning, and it's freezing.'
âPerfect!' said Mr Brainfright. âI couldn't ask for anything better!'
âAre you saying you
like
this weather?' Fiona clearly couldn't believe what she was hearing.
âI love it!' said Mr Brainfright.
âI hate it,' said Fiona. âI love sunny weather.'
âI love that too!' said Mr Brainfright.
âHow can you love sunny weather and rainy weather?' said Fiona.
âI love all weather,' said Mr Brainfright. âIt keeps life interesting.'
âNot when it's wet and cold, though,' said Fiona.
âBut you're not wet right now, are you?' asked Mr Brainfright.
âNo,' Fiona admitted.
âAre you cold right now?'
âNo,' said Fiona. âKind of warm, actually.'
âSo what you're telling me is that you're warm and dry,' said Mr Brainfright. âWhat else is going right for you at this moment despite the fact that it's a cold wet day?'
Fiona shrugged.
âWho can help Fiona?' said Mr Brainfright. âWhat are some other things she has to be happy about right now?'
âShe has a chair to sit on?' Jenny said.
âExactly!' said Mr Brainfright. âThe weather doesn't change that fact! What else does Fiona have to be grateful about, no matter what the weather is like?'
âShe has a desk?' I said.
âYes!' said Mr Brainfright. âKeep them coming!'
âShe's got a body!' said Grant.
âShe's got a head!' said Gretel.
âShe's got a brain!' said Newton.
âYes,' said Mr Brainfright. âAnd not just Fionaâyou all have!'
âClive hasn't,' said Jack.
âI'm going to tell my brother you said that,' said Clive.
âWonderful!' said Mr Brainfright. âClive has a brother to whom he can tell everything! What else do you have to be grateful for?'
âArm wrestling!' said Gretel.
âIce-cream!' said Jack.
âBandaids!' said Newton.
âFriends!' said Jenny.
âExcellent!' said Mr Brainfright, as the classroom lit up with a fresh flash of lightning, followed almost immediately by a peal of thunder which sounded like it was only a few metres above the roof. âNow repeat those things with feeling. You are grateful for them. Yell them out as if that's really the case.'
âARM WRESTLING!' yelled Gretel.
âICE-CREAM!' yelled Jack.
âBANDAIDS!' yelled Newton.
âFRIENDS!' yelled Jenny.
âI still can't hear you!' said Mr Brainfright. âStand up on your desks and tell me again!'
âARM WRESTLING!' yelled Gretel.
âICE-CREAM!' yelled Jack.
âBANDAIDS!' yelled Newton.
âFRIENDS!' yelled Jenny.
Mr Brainfright was smiling broadly. âThat's better!' he said. âNow, keep repeating those words while everybody else gets up on their desks and yells out one of their own favourite things!'
âWill we be tested on this?' asked Fiona.
âYes,' said Mr Brainfright. âThe happier you feel, the better your mark.'
âBut how will you know?' said Fiona.
âI won't,' said Mr Brainfright. âBut you will.'
âHuh?' said Fiona. âWhat sort of test is that?'
âThe most important sort!' said Mr Brainfright. âBut don't take my word for it. Try it out and see for yourself.'
Nobody needed any further encouragement.
Every single 5C student climbed onto their desk and began yelling out their favourite thing at the top of their voice.
âCHOCOLATE!'
âWEEKENDS!'
âMOVIES!'
âCOMPUTERS!'
âPENGUINS!'
âPONIES!'
âMOTORBIKES!'
âGRANDMOTHERS!'
âPONIES!'
âPOTATO CHIPS!'
âDINOSAURS!'
âMUSIC!'
âMUD!'
âPIRATES!'
âTREASURE!'
The students were making more noise than the storm that continued to rage outside. This fact didn't go unnoticed by Mrs Cross, who appeared at the door of the classroom, red-faced and puffing.
âI'm trying to teach algebra!' she yelled.
âNow that's one that nobody has mentioned so far,' said Mr Brainfright.
âALGEBRA!' yelled Fiona.
Mrs Cross looked at Fiona. âYou used to be such a nice, quiet girl, Fiona,' she said. âWhat happened?'
âALGEBRA!' Fiona shouted again.
Mrs Cross shook her head and turned her attention back to Mr Brainfright. âThis is all your doing!' she scolded. âThis was a quiet, orderly school until you arrived.'
âQuiet and orderly does not necessarily mean that the students are learning anything,' countered Mr Brainfright.
âI can't see that they are learning anything standing on their desks and yelling at the top of their voices!' Mrs Cross cried. âI may be old-fashioned, Mr Brainfright, but I believe learning
happens
at
desks, not
on
them. I'll be reporting this to Principal Greenbeard. If you can't keep order, I'm sure that he can!'
Mrs Cross turned on her heels and marched towards the door.
âALGEBRA!' shouted Fiona, triggering another enthusiastic round of shouting amongst the class.
Fortunately, the sun came out at lunchtime.
Unfortunately, Skull Island was covered with fifth-grade treasure seekers all desperately digging with sticks, rulers, pens, pencils and even their bare hands.
Jenny, Gretel, Jack, Newton and I stood at the bottom and watched. Grant wasn't with us. He was too busy repairing his buried-treasure detector to look for real buried treasure.
âWe have to stop them!' said Jack. âThey're trying to steal our treasure!'
Jenny was frantic.
âI'm so sorry, so sorry. I'm such an idiot. I've ruined everything,' she said. âThey're going to find it before we doâand it's all my fault!'
âDon't worry,' I said. âWe'll find it.'
âFind what?' said a voice behind me.
I turned around.
It was Fred.
âI don't know what you're talking about, Fred,' I said.
âI think you do,' he spat back.
âNo, I don't!' I said.
âHe does!' said Clive.
âHe does not!' said Gretel.
âHe does so!' said Clive. âAnd so do you!'
âNo they don't!' said Jack. âThey don't know anything. And neither do I. Or Newton. Or Jenny. None of us knows anything about anything. And of all the things we don't know anything about, we especially don't know anything about secret buried treasure!'
âSecret buried treasure, eh?' said Fred. âIf it's so secret, how do
you
know about it?'
Jack took a breath to reply but then stopped.
He didn't know what to say.
Fred had outsmarted him.
For a dumb guy, Fred could actually be pretty smart sometimes.
But not as smart as me.
I thought fast.
Faster than I've ever thought in my life.
Faster even than the speed of thought.
And then I had a brilliant idea . . .
The most brilliant idea I'd ever had. (At least for that morning, anyway.)
It was an idea that would not only get Fred off our back, but would also help clear Skull Island of all the unwanted treasure seekers.
I would tell Fred the truth. Well, sort of.
âAll right, Fred,' I said. âYou win. You're obviously too clever for us. There
is
a treasure.'
âI knew it!' said Fred.
âI told you so!' said Clive.
âHenry!' said Jack.
âNo, Jack,' I went on. âNo more lies. It's time for the truth. Principal Greenbeard buried a treasure many years ago when he was a student at Northwest Southeast Central School, and it's still here.'
âHow do you know all this?' Fred asked.
âI found out about it when I got sent to his office the other day,' I told him.
Fred eyed me suspiciously. âHow do I know you're telling the truth?'
âI can prove it,' I said. âI've got a map.'
âYou've got a map?' said Gretel, dumbfounded. âYes,' I said. âI swiped it from Principal Greenbeard's desk when he wasn't looking. It shows the exact location of the treasure.'
âWhy didn't you tell
us
about it?' said Jack.
âSorry,' I said, âbut I didn't want everybody to find out. I made up the stuff about it being on Skull Island to protect the real location. But it's no use: Fred's too clever for us.'
âSince when?' said Gretel, making a fist.
âDon't even think about it, One-punch,' said Fred. âI want that map, McThrottle.'
âWhat will you give me for it?' I said.
âIt's not so much what I
will
give you as what I
won't
give you. If you give me the map I won't give you a neck squeeze so hard that your head pops like a pimple.'
âI'd like to see you try,' said Gretel.
âI'd like to see you try to stop me,' said Fred.
âI'd like to see you try to stop me stopping you!' said Gretel.
Newton was getting ready to blow his whistle.
I put my hand over it to stop him. âIt's a deal,' I said.
âWhat?' said Jack. âYou double-crosser! Don't give him the map!'
âEasy for you to say,' I said. âIt's not your neck that's going to get squeezed or your head that's going to pop like a pimple.'
âBut it could be very easily arranged,' said Fred.
âNo, thanks,' said Jack, shaking his head and then turning to me. âI thought we were friends, Henry. But I see I was wrong. I'm leaving.'
âMe too,' said Gretel, shaking her head in disgust. âAre you coming, Newton?'
Newton just nodded sadly and followed Gretel and Jack down the hill.
Jenny could barely look at me. I'd never seen her look so hurt or shocked. âA true friend would have told us about the map,' she said. Then she followed the others off the hill.
I shrugged.
âYou're better off without those bozos,' said Fred. âNow give me the map. I haven't got all day, you know.'
âI don't have it here,' I told him. âIt's at home. I'll bring it tomorrow.'
âMake sure you do, McThrottle,' Fred warned. âFirst thing. Before school.'
âYeah,' said Clive. âMake sure . . . or else.'
Fred and Clive laughed and headed off towards the canteen.
I waited until they were out of sight and then went after the others.
I had some explaining to do.
I found Gretel, Jack, Newton and Jenny in our favourite spot at the side of the basketball court.
âWhy are you here?' said Jack. âDon't your new friends want to play with you anymore?'
âThey're not my friends,' I said. âYou are!'
âWell you sure don't act like it,' said Gretel. âReal friends trust each other.'
âI
do
trust you,' I said.
âWhy didn't you tell us about the map, then?' asked Jenny.
âBecause there is no map,' I said.
âWhat do you mean?' Newton was perplexed. âYou just told Fred that you had one. If you don't give him a map, he's going to squeeze your neck so hard that your head will pop like a pimple.'
âI'll give him a map, all right,' I said. âA
fake
map with the treasure marked as far away from Skull Island as possible. It will get Fred and Clive off our
backs, and we'll let everybody else know about it as well. Skull Island will be all ours again.'