What She Left Us (17 page)

“Can
we go somewhere?” He looked around the bar. “Somewhere other than here?” he
asked.

“I
need to go home and change,” Jenna said. “I smell like hamburgers.”

“Should
I come with?” Darren asked.

Jenna
considered it. She knew if she took him to her new apartment it would
definitely be a big mistake, because they wouldn’t talk at all. She would end
up in bed with him, and nothing would get resolved.

“Sure.
Let me get my things.”

Jenna
went to the back to get her keys, and grab her cell phone. That’s when she saw
the text from Courtney:

Holy
shit, Darren is on his way over there!

A
whole hell of a lot of good that text did her now. She swiped on some lipstick,
ran a comb through her hair, and folded a stick of peppermint gum into her
mouth. She chewed vigorously, damning herself for eating onion rings on her
break.

 “Bye,
Doug!” she yelled to her new boss, and she motioned to Darren to follow her out
the front door. She didn’t want to talk to him right then, so she walked to her
car and simply said, “You can follow me.” Dear God, she had no idea what she
was going to do.

Jenna
could see Darren in her rearview mirror as she dialed Courtney, who answered on
the first ring.

“What
the fuck!” Jenna yelled into the phone.

“He
showed up?” Courtney asked.

“He’s
in his car following me to my apartment!”

“He’s
WHAT?”

“I
didn’t know what to do! He wants to talk!” Jenna said, checking her own
reflection. She looked horrible. She had spent the last five hours serving
hamburgers.

“You
can’t take him to your apartment!” Courtney said.

“What
am I supposed to do? Where am I supposed to take him? I’ve got to hear what he’s
got to say.” Jenna drove slowly, making sure she didn’t go through a light and
lose him.

“Oh,
by the way, totally not his girlfriend,” Courtney said.

“You
asked him!”

“Yes,
confirmed it was really his co-worker.”

“Damn.
Okay, that’s good,” Jenna said. “You’re such a great sister.”

“What’s
he doing now?” Courtney asked.

“Following
me. God, he looks so good.”

“Be
strong. He said he wants to talk to you.” Courtney said.

“Okay,
I’m sure I’m going to talk. What the hell am I going to say to him?” Jenna
asked her sister.

“Whatever
you do, don’t cry. You freakin’ cry too much. Listen to what he has to say.
Keep your shit together for once in your life. If you have to, pinch the inside
of your wrist.”

“The
inside of my wrist is where he and I have matching tattoos. That’s exactly the
place where if I look, I’m going to start crying,” Jenna reminded her.

“Oh
crap. Sorry.”

“All
right. I’m almost at the apartment. Thanks for the pep talk. I’ll call you when
he leaves.”

“Okay.
Thanks. Be strong! Love you.” Courtney hung up.

Jenna
clicked the phone to off and pulled into the parking lot of her apartment, and
Darren parked in a spot behind her. She got out of her car and looked at him,
her bottom lip quivering. “It’s this way,” she said, motioning toward the
flight of stairs. He followed her, dangerously close.

“This
looks like a really nice place; how’d you find it so quickly?” he asked.

Jenna
didn’t trust her voice. “Friend from work.”

“Nice.”
And then, “You have friends already. That's great.”

His
height matched hers as he followed a step behind her on the stairs and she
could feel his breath on her neck. And although there was an early November
chill, she felt the heat of him being so near.

At
the top of the stairs, Jenna fumbled with her keys and once she got the right
one into the keyhole, she opened the door but dropped her cell phone. They both
bent down and reached for it at the same time. Darren grabbed it first and held
it in his hands.

He
looked at Jenna’s face, studying her, then reached under her arms and lifted her
to her feet and led her into the apartment, closing the door behind him with his
foot. He put his lips close to hers.

“I’ve
missed you so much,” he whispered. “I’ve wanted to kiss you for months.”

She
couldn’t think straight, her head was spinning.

“Can
I?”

She
knew his breath, sweet and clean, with a hint of spearmint, and she wanted him
to kiss her, so badly, but she couldn’t get the words out because her head was
filled with memories of them, of their history, and if she made any noise at
all, she would crack into a thousand tiny pieces, so instead, she nodded.

And
then his lips were on hers and she fell into him, as if no time had passed at
all.

Darren
cupped her chin and looked into her eyes and kissed her lips until she felt
like she might fall to the floor with the weight of it all. He must have sensed
this because he moved his lips away from hers and trailed them to her ear,
slowly, softly, like he used to, so many times before.

“Can
we go into the other room?”

Jenna
felt herself nod.

Darren
lifted her up and she put her arms around him and he continued to kiss her neck
and her earlobe the whole time he felt his way toward the bedroom. Jenna’s bed
was unmade and he placed her on it, then he lay there with her, tracing her
face, her arms, her stomach with his fingers, touching her everywhere, recovering
all the places he had lost the past seven months.

“I’ve
needed you so much, you have no idea.”

He
took off his shirt and she remembered his body, the body that she knew so well
and had missed for so long. She touched his chest again, feeling the strong
muscles, his stomach, the light hairs that covered his navel, trailing to just
below his jeans. His arms so smooth, biceps so perfect. What had she been
thinking when she had let all of this go?

She
hadn't been thinking.

He
slipped off her pink Klippy’s tee, and then unhooked her bra. He took her into
his arms, held her, touched her, and then kissed her mouth again, harder, more
desperate this time. He removed her jeans and then his own. They sat up, and
came together, crushing their bodies against each other, as if they were meeting
for the first time, wanting to discover one another.

Slow
rediscovery turned into familiar passion. Darren found his way to Jenna and
then they were moving together like they once knew how to. It was perfect and
wonderful and Jenna couldn’t remember a time without him, she couldn’t remember
how she lived without this, without him, or why she ever would have wanted to.

Afterward,
when they lay there in the quiet of the early evening, lost in their own
thoughts and hearing nothing but the sounds of their internal heartbeats and
breath, Darren turned to Jenna. She wanted to touch his cheek but was afraid to.

“I
hope you know I didn’t come here planning on doing that. It wasn’t my intention
to… you know. I don’t want you to think I was taking advantage of you.”

“I
know,” Jenna attempted a smile, but her heart sank. She didn’t know whether to
be flattered or hurt by what Darren had said.

He
fell asleep. After Darren said he hadn’t wanted to make love – that that wasn’t
why he came to see her, he kissed her, and they had done it again. There was no
stopping it, Jenna couldn’t help herself, she had always loved Darren, and she
knew too that he loved her, had never stopped loving her, no matter what Jenna
had done to him.

He
was asleep now, and Jenna’s left palm was sweaty and clasped in Darren’s right
palm, their inked hearts on their wrists lined up together, just as they’d
always intended. She lay on her left side and watched him sleep, wondering why
she ever gave him back her engagement ring, and had no logical reason for ever
doing so.

To
think she might have lost out on a life with this amazing man was too much to
take. Jenna sighed, and thought she must be dreaming, that he was there, lying
next to her. She couldn’t believe that what had just happened had really
happened. She looked at his huge feet sticking out far beyond the edge of the
bed, at his bare biceps, smooth and tight. His breathing was steady, Jenna
thought, as if he were totally comfortable being there, like he belonged there.
She wanted to reach out and touch his lips, feel the stubble on his chin, but
didn’t want to wake him.

She
tilted her head closer to his body, her hand still clasped tightly into his,
and closed her eyes, wishing she had never given the ring back, wishing she had
never hurt him so much.

She
had no idea what time it was when she woke, but he was watching her this time,
and their hands were still clasped together.

“Um,
hi.” Jenna said.

“Hi.”

“Should
this be awkward?” she asked.

“Only
if you want it to be,” Darren said. “It doesn’t feel awkward for me. Does it
for you?”

“No,
but my hand feels like someone smashed it with a hammer,” Jenna let go of
Darren’s hand and gave hers a shake. “It’s all pins and needles.”

“Here,
let me massage it.” Darren took her hand in his and rubbed it. He took each
finger in his hand and massaged them gently, then he made circles on her palm
with his thumb. After a few more minutes, he pulled her hand up to his lips and
kissed her heart tattoo.

“How's
that feel?”

“Thanks,
that’s a bit better.”

“I
was watching you sleep,” Darren said.

“I
did the same when you were sleeping,” Jenna admitted. “What time is it anyway?”

“Ten-thirty.”

“Wow.”
Jenna said.

“I
know. Time flies when you’re–”

Jenna
stopped him. “I should call Court.”

“And
say what?” Darren asked.

“I
have no idea really,” Jenna said.

“Well,
we do need to talk, now that we’re ‘rested.’” Darren said.

“If
that’s what you’re calling it,” Jenna joked.

“Look,”
Darren said, “You know I love you, I’ve always loved you… ”

“This
sounds like the part when you throw in a ‘but.’”

“No,
it’s not that. But… ”

“I
knew it, there is a ‘but!’”

“Oh
crap. Well, there’s...  Look, I know you came to my apartment and Eva was
there. I really do work with her. I’m training her. I called you after that, at
your apartment. Don’t you check your voicemail there?”

“Darren,
no one works off their landlines anymore. It’s all cell phones these days.”

“Right.
Anyway, here’s what’s going on. I’ve gotten this opportunity to train for the
air medic job.”

“That’s
great! That’s always been your dream!” Jenna reached for Darren and hugged him,
then realizing she was still naked, she reached for the covers. Darren held her
at arm’s length to look her in her eyes while she adjusted the sheet. Jenna
didn’t take this as a good sign, but watched for clues.

“It
is great, it’s great news. Everything I’ve always worked for. And yeah, I guess
there is a pretty serious ‘but’ if you think about it, but there doesn’t have
to be. There doesn’t have to be a glitch in the plan.”

Darren
stopped what he was saying and looked at Jenna, so thoughtfully, as if he was
trying to figure out the right way to say what he needed to say next.

“I’ve
been miserable without you. I wanted to give you the space you needed to figure
out what was going on in your own head. I knew you were grieving your mother’s
death. I wanted to be there for you. I didn’t know how to help. I thought that
was what you wanted – the space and the time. I would have pushed you, knocked
on your door every damn day if I thought that would help. But I know you. Or I
thought I did.”

Jenna
smiled at this, but it was a sad slow smile, because she thought she knew
herself too.

“I
figured you would come around. That eventually you would show up and say, ‘I’m
all better now,’ and then when you did, when you told me you were sorry and you
were ready, you called me and you were freaking out about a disease.
That
honestly
threw me for a loop. I didn’t know how to react. But now… Now, it's all good. I
can handle everything. I want to be with you. Whatever happens with your health
and your future, it’s you I want to be with, and only you. I want to start
fresh. I want to be us again.”

Darren
pulled Jenna close.

“I
love you so damn much. You’re part of my life. I don’t ever want to lose you
again,” Darren said.

“Oh,
Darren, my God, you don’t know how long I’ve waited for this. I want this too,”
Jenna sighed. “I want nothing more than to be with you again. I’m so sorry for
everything that’s happened, for everything I’ve put you through. I’ve been miserable
too. You have no idea.”