What She Left Us (25 page)

“Oh
God, you have no idea. No idea.”

“Darren?”

“It’s
not even that, really. I’m coming to the conclusion that if Darren can’t
understand that family comes first, then maybe he’s not right for me. But that’s
not the big thing, actually. It’s Courtney. She and I...  well, we just
discovered that she was adopted.”

Saying
the words was like a sucker punch to Jenna. She had never said them aloud, and saying
it to Clay felt strange. Really strange. She got a lump in her throat and her
eyes welled with tears. Clay reached for a napkin and handed it to Jenna like
it was the most natural thing in the world to do.

“Thanks,”
she said.

“Man,
that’s tough news. Really tough.”

“It
just really sucks,” Jenna’s voice cracked.

“So
what… did her birth mother come looking for her?”

“No.
We found out she doesn’t have hemochromatosis. Just me. So that means we’re not
related. She’s not my sister.” Jenna wiped tears away, thankful that they were
at the far end of the bar and the rush was over and the night crowd hadn’t come
in yet. She didn’t want anyone seeing her crying like this.

“Hey,
of course she’s your sister. You know that right?” Clay tilted her chin up so
she could look at him. Her eyes were shiny and wet with tears. “Look at me.
She’s your sister. You got that, right?”

Jenna
looked into the hazel eyes she was becoming more and more accustomed to seeing,
and she nodded. Why couldn’t Darren, her love, be like this? Why wasn’t Darren
this understanding to what was so important to her? Clay knew what she was
going through, knew exactly what to say, knew how to make her feel better.

“How’s
Courtney doing?” he asked.

“Not
too good. I think she’s going into a major depression. Even Mitch says she’s a
wreck most of the time when they’re together.”

“What
are you guys going to do, is there anyone you can get in touch with – can you
get records or anything?”

“Courtney
went through all of my mother’s stuff. She can’t find an original birth certificate.
We’re going to call our dad, and he’s been pretty much in and out of our life,
mostly out, since the divorce when I was sixteen.”

“Where
does he live?” Clay asked.

“Chicago.”

“He’ll
tell you?”

“He’s
got to tell us,” Jenna got angry then, because her father was out there, and he
knew, and he had been keeping this from them for so long. “We need to know. He
can’t just run out on us and then keep something like this from us. It’s not
fair. We deserve to know what happened, and why… I mean, it doesn’t make any sense.
And why they never just said, ‘Hey girls, Courtney is adopted and it’s all
cool, we love you both.’ It’s all a bunch of fat bullshit.”

Clay
laughed at this, and Jenna smiled. Then laughed.

“Fat
bullshit?” he asked.

“Fat
bullshit,” Jenna said again.

“You
want a beer?” Clay asked.

“God,
yes. I need one.”

“Okay,
let’s have a couple of beers.” he said.

“Clay?”
Jenna said, touching his hand.

“Yeah?”

“Thanks
for being such an awesome friend. You’re really amazing.”

“So
are you. I only wish there was more I could do for you.” He leaned over and
hugged her and she smelled his warm cologne, and a mix of the oaky wines he had
been pouring during the afternoon.

“Did
you spill wine on yourself today?” she asked.

“Maybe?
Do I smell good?” he pulled her away, held her shoulders and smiled at her.

“Maybe,”
she smiled back.

“Dad?
It’s Courtney.”

“Court,
is something the matter? Is Jenna okay? Are you girls okay?”

It
was strange how that was his first question, after all of this time, after him
leaving and seemingly not caring, that he would care immediately, that he would
worry that she was calling because something might be wrong, that they were
hurt. Courtney didn’t know what to think. Then she realized that she and Jenna
hadn’t even let him know the results of the autopsy. Really, what had the point
been? He had been so out of touch and out of their lives for so long. The
occasional visit, maybe once a year, and yes, he paid for their college
educations, and sent birthday cards with substantial checks, but he had his own
life, his new flashy wife and his condo downtown Chicago overlooking the
lakefront. What reason did he have to care if she or Jenna were okay?

Then
she had a reality check:
We’re still his children. He’s still our father.
No
matter what kind of crappy relationship they might have had, he was still their
father, and they were still his daughters, despite whom Courtney might have
been birthed from, and she had to remember that he probably did care for them,
and he probably did think of them, and he probably had wished things would have
turned out differently. But things hadn’t turned out differently, and that was
life, and that was the hand that was dealt. So they had to deal.

“No
Dad. We’re fine. I guess… I mean, well, I found out… I mean, I know.”

She
was quiet for a few seconds, and then she repeated it.

“I
know.”

That’s
all she said. There was painful silence on the other end of the line, and she
knew it was a silence where her father was contemplating how to react. Was he
going to play dumb, say, “
what do you mean, you know?”
Or was he going
to tell her everything right then and there in the very next few seconds. She
wasn’t sure if she was ready for it. She had been pacing in her room, and while
she waited out the silence on the other end of the phone, Courtney pulled out
her desk chair, grabbed her pillow to her chest, and sat.

“Honey,”
he said.

“Yes?”

“Are
you okay?” he asked.

“I’m
not sure. I don’t really know what’s going on. I think I was adopted. Am I adopted
Dad?”

He
said it again, “Honey.” And then Courtney realized he was talking to his wife
who must have been in the room with him. She heard him say it again, “Honey,
give me a minute. I need to talk with Courtney.” Then he was back on the phone,
and he addressed Courtney this time. “Honey,” he said.

“Don’t
call me ‘honey’ when you just called
her
that,” she snarled into the
phone.

“I’m
sorry.”

She
got angry then. Really angry. “What
exactly
are you sorry for, Dad? That
you lied to me my whole entire life? That I’ve discovered I’ve been living a
lie of a life? That I have no idea who I am or who my real parents are, or
anything
about my whole entire life? What are you sorry about?”

“I’m
sorry for everything,” he said.

“I
don’t get it,” Courtney said.

“Is
Jenna with you?”

“No.”

“Does
she know you called me?”

“No.
We were going to call you together, after exams next week, but I didn’t want to
wait. I’ve waited nineteen years. I decided not to wait any longer. I deserve
to know, Dad.”

“I
know you do. It wasn’t me who wanted to keep it from you. It was your mother.”

“You
can’t blame this on her just because she’s dead.”

“I’m
not. It’s complicated Courtney.”

“It
doesn’t have to be. Just tell me what happened.”

“How
did you find out?” he asked.

Courtney
sighed, a big heavy drawn-out deep breath escaped from her. She was tired, so
tired of having to explain everything to everyone when now she just wanted the
answers she deserved.

“We
got the autopsy report for Mom. She died of hemochromatosis. It’s a hereditary
disease she had no idea she had. Long, long story short – Jenna has the disease
and I don’t. Meaning, I’m not related to Mom.”

“Oh
baby,” her dad said, and then, “Is Jenna okay, what does this disease mean for
her?”

“She’ll
be okay, she’s doing treatments and she should be fine. It has to do with
regulating the amount of iron build-up in the body.  But she's going to be
okay.”

“Thank
God.”

“Dad,”
Courtney almost whispered into the phone, “Who are my birth parents?”

“I
wanted to tell you from the time you were able to understand. I did.” Courtney
couldn’t be sure, but it sounded like her father was getting choked up.

“Dad?”

“Yeah.”

“Are
you okay?”

“We
can’t do this over the phone Courtney.”

“I
just need to know.”

“Courtney,
you were such a sick baby. Did you know that?”

“I
didn’t know I was really sick? How sick?” she asked.

He
didn’t answer but instead said, “And you know that I have always loved you.
Always. Your mother too.”

“I
know. I do.”

“We
did this for the family. For you. You were so tiny, and helpless. You needed
us.”

“I
know Daddy.” She hadn’t called him Daddy in forever, not since she had been
little, and would run to him when she’d scrape her knee or fall and her mom just
wouldn’t do, when it was a big enough hurt that only her father could help the
healing. Like now. She needed her dad to help with this healing, to give her
the answers she so desperately needed to get to the healing.

“Can
you two girls come here? I’ll tell you everything. But not over the phone. You
need to hear it from me. But in person. It’s important that you do.”

“I’ll
talk to Jenna.”

“Okay,
and Courtney, you know that you’re my daughter. No matter what I have to tell
you. You’re mine. And I’m so sorry I haven’t been more of a father to you. I
love you and your sister. I do. I’m so sorry.”

“Okay.
Bye.”

She
hung up the phone, maybe not as confused as she was before, but still confused
nonetheless. She was still not able to say the words I love you back to her
father. She wasn’t sure she’d be able to understand what had transpired in the
events that led up to her mysterious adoption, but she knew she was that much
closer to finding out, and that gave her a tiny bit of solace.

It
was exam week and the dorm floor was, for once, quiet. Special study hours and
quiet time was in effect, and if violated, students were to be written up.
While Courtney hated to be the bad guy, and she had quickly gotten the
reputation of being one of the coolest RAs in their building, she was taking no
prisoners during exam week and she let the students know.

Fortunately,
they were complying. Which was a blessing, because the semester had come and
gone, and she was pretty much screwed in half of her classes. She should not
have gone back to school this semester, she realized now – first, the death of
her mother last year, then thinking she’d had a disease only to learn it had
been a horrible mistake, but knowing her sister still had it. And now, the
mystery of her birth parents. The only bright spot in her life was Mitch. Thank
God for good, perfect Mitch. He had been so wonderful to her through
everything. She couldn’t have asked for a better boyfriend if she’d ordered one
online.

They
were in her room studying, laying on her bed, each on opposite sides propped up
on pillows, feet intermingling playfully. He had an economics exam and she had
sociology coming up later in the week.

Earlier
in the week Courtney told Jenna about speaking to their father, and while she
was upset to not be there during the call, she understood that this was mostly
about Courtney. Their father had already sent first-class airplane tickets and
she and Jenna were going to Chicago as soon as exams wrapped up.

Courtney
was surprised she was even sleeping at night, but it was only because Mitch had
given her some of the sleeping pills he took from his mother over Thanksgiving.
That, and he was there every night, keeping her safe and comfortable. They’d
not slept apart since she was alone at her mom’s house over Thanksgiving, and
she didn’t want to be alone again.

Mitch
looked up from his econ book, reached for her foot and began to massage it.
“Need a break?”

“Yeah,
I can’t concentrate.”

“Here,
let me help you.” He closed his book, tossed it to the floor, and motioned for
her to move toward him.

“I’m
not going to pass this soc class and I’m going to have to take it again. I’m so
screwed.”

“You’ll
pass it. But you need a break. You’re beyond stressed.”

Courtney
sighed. “I wish I knew who they were.”

“I
know. Come here.”

She
moved her books aside and crawled toward his outstretched arms. She fit
perfectly. Even now, when most relationships would have settled into a comfortable
existence, theirs still felt brand new. Courtney couldn’t believe that he was
still so enthralled with her, that he wanted to be there with her
this much.
Especially with all the baggage she brought with her. Really, any other guy
would have bolted at the first mention of a dead mother, and then with
everything else, well, there was no denying Mitch was the perfect guy.