What She Left Us (28 page)

When
she got to the door and pulled the heavy knob toward her, Helena, her Dad’s
sister was there. Her jet black hair was stringy and in her face, and she had
black makeup on her eyelids. Jenna wanted to laugh at her and tell her that it
wasn’t trick-or-treat time, but she knew that would be rude, plus, it also
looked like maybe Helena had been crying, and she didn’t want to make her cry
more.

“Where
are your parents?” Helena asked.

“Daddy’s
not home from work. Mommy’s with Courtney.”

Helena
made some sort of noise that sounded like a grunt, and then said, “What kind of
name is Courtney?”

“I
don’t know,” Jenna answered.

“Are
you going to let me in?” Helena asked.

Jenna
moved aside to let her in, and then Helena said, “Is the baby sick?”

“Yes.”

“I
want to see her.”

“Do
you want to come play with my dollies in my room?” Jenna asked.

“Maybe.
Where’s your mom? Go get her for me.”

Jenna
didn’t like how Helena was bossing her around. She also didn’t like how her
eyes had a faraway look in them, like she really was there for Halloween. Maybe
she was a vampire, Jenna thought. She was worried, and told her she would go
get her mom.

Her
mother came out of her room then, carrying Courtney, who had tubes stuck in her
nose because she had been feeding.

“What
are you doing to her!?” Helena asked.

“She
was just eating,” Jenna’s mother said, and then to Jenna she said, “Honey, go
to your room, I’ll be in there in a minute, as soon as Helena leaves.”

Jenna
didn’t want to go, but she also didn’t want to stay around because Helena
seemed mean. So she went to her room and sat down on the floor to play with her
dolls. She kept her door opened because she wanted to hear what her mom and
Helena were saying to each other.

“Why
are you here?” her mother said to Helena.

“I
wanted to see her,” Helena said. “I wanted to make sure she was okay.”

“You
should have thought about that a long while ago. If you wanted to make sure she
was okay, you should have considered that when you were putting needles into
your veins. Do you realize what you’ve done to her?”

“I…
I tried. I didn’t do it all of the time. I didn’t think it would end up this
way.”

“Well,
look at her. Look at her! Does she look healthy? Is this what you thought would
happen? She doesn’t sleep! She can’t eat. I’m up with her all hours of the night,
and it’s all because of you! Because drugs were more important to you than
taking care of a baby.”

Helena
began to cry then, deep dark sobs that wracked her thin frail body, but Jenna’s
mom didn’t let up. “Don’t cry now. You should have cried when you were busy ruining
yourself. It’s too late. Are you on drugs right now? Let me look at you. Look
at your eyes. You’re out of your mind; you’re crazed out of your mind! You need
to leave my house.”

“I’m
not! I’m not on anything! I just want to see her. Can’t you let me hold her?
I’ll be real careful. I won’t hurt her.”

“You’ve
already hurt her. She’s a preemie. She’s going to have a harder life than
others because of what you’ve done to her. Can’t you see this? Can’t you see
that you’ve done enough harm already? Just get out of here.”

Helena
dropped to her knees and continued sobbing. Jenna moved out of her room, slowly
down the hall, her two favorite dolls clutched in her hand. When she reached
her mom, she stood tentatively behind her.

“Mommy?”
she said.

“Jenna,
go back to your room,” her mother ordered.

“Is
Helena okay?” Jenna asked.

“No,
she is not.”

Helena
looked up at Jenna, with eyes so sad Jenna felt sorry for her. “Why won’t you
let her hold Courtney?”

With
eyes as hard as steel, Jenna’s mother looked at Helena and said, “Because
Helena is the one who made Courtney sick, and I don’t want her getting her more
sick. Now Jenna, go back to your room.”

“Oh
my God.”

Courtney
stood motionless after the realization hit, and then she said it again.

“Oh
my God.”

Jenna
reached for her hand, and then pulled Courtney toward her. They were cousins.
First cousins. Aunt Helena was Courtney’s birth mother. Helena had placed her
hands over her face and now wept freely, wracked with years of pain and guilt
over the hidden secret that Courtney was her daughter. But she didn’t move from
the couch. And the girls stood in the middle of the room, watching the woman in
front of them, their aunt,
Courtney’s mother,
as she cried and cried.

Finally,
after what seemed like time had stopped and started again in a new world, Jenna
and Courtney made their way to the couch and reached for Helena. The three of
them clutched each other and cried. For what else could they do? As their dad
had mentioned, they were family, and whatever circumstances had led up to this
moment, nothing was going to change that, and they were all here now, facing
this tragedy, this new beginning, together.

“I’m
so sorry,” Helena wailed into the air. “Oh, my girls, I am so sorry for any
pain I have caused you both. I have made so many mistakes in my life.”

Courtney
continued to sob, and her nose was running. Her dad had left the room and came
back with a box of tissues. He knelt next to the couch and offered the box to
the girls. Courtney reached for them.

“I
can’t believe this,” Courtney cried. “I don’t understand any of it.”

Jenna
said, “I remember now, some of it. I remember some of it, Dad.”

“I’m
so, so sorry, will you ever be able to forgive me?” Helena pulled away, and
looked at the girls, then specifically at Courtney. “Courtney, have I ruined
your life? Did I ruin everything for you?”

“No,”
Courtney said. “Things might be a bit clearer now. But it’s definitely a little
bit screwed up. You had me? You gave birth to me? When? How?”

“I
was seventeen, a mess, on drugs. Meth. The dad, oh my God, sweetie, I don’t
even know who he was,” She wept harder then, and Courtney clutched her face
into her hands and tears poured from her too. Jenna looked on in disbelief.

Their
dad spoke then. “Your mother and I, we wanted to help. We needed to help. We
got Helena into a treatment program, and we adopted you, Courtney. You’ve
always been our daughter. Always. Helena gave up all rights in the hospital.
She knew it was the right thing for you and for her. She agreed to this, went
into treatment, which didn’t work the first two times, but now she’s been sober
for sixteen years.”

Everyone
looked to Helena, who grabbed some tissues, and finally smiled, her face
lighting up a little. “Frank and your mother saved my life. If it wasn’t for
them, I’d be dead. Courtney, they saved your life too. I owe them my life.”

Courtney
thought about everything that had transpired in the last half hour, and rather
than feeling like she didn’t belong, or that her life was a lie, or that she
was completely lost, she felt none of these things.

She
felt relieved. She felt so much relief she couldn’t express herself. She now
had the answers, and knew that she was with people who completely cared for and
loved her, unconditionally. So much so, that they were willing to change the
future of their own lives, to make sacrifices in order to save hers.

When
Courtney awoke to the bright Chicago sunlight in the guest bedroom, she felt
different than she had when she went to bed the night before, less calm. Jenna
was asleep next to her in the queen-sized bed, her features soft and smooth.
Courtney wanted to reach out and touch her sister. Wait, Jenna wasn’t her
sister; she was her cousin, her first cousin.

No,
that wasn’t right. Jenna
was
her sister. She’d been her sister her whole
lifetime, and just because of this news, that wasn’t going to change anything.
Today didn’t make anything different. This morning, she wouldn’t be calling
Helena
Mom.
In fact, Helena wasn’t even an aunt to her all of these years.
She wasn’t even a part of this family. If she’d been sober for the last sixteen
years, then where had she been? Why hadn’t she been a part of her life sooner?
She felt mad, angry and confused. This was going to take some time. But now she
needed more sleep. She rolled back over and pulled the pillow over her head,
not ready to deal with her reality.

When
she woke up later, Jenna was gone. Courtney pulled herself out of bed and went
into the bathroom to shower. When she emerged and made her way into the kitchen,
she found her father, Helena and Jenna all talking quietly in the kitchen.

“Would
you like some coffee, sleepyhead?” her father asked.

“Sure,”
Courtney attempted a smile, unsure about how the day would unfold. They had all
gone to bed emotionally drained. Drained of tears as well. She couldn’t count
on no tears today, but they sure did get plenty out yesterday. Still, she had
so many more questions of the woman who gave birth to her, who hadn’t cared
enough about her to keep her healthy while she grew inside her womb. Courtney
was definitely feeling bitter this morning.

“You
snore, did you know that?” Jenna asked.

“Well,
you hog all the covers,” Courtney replied, taking the mug of coffee her father
handed her.

“I
sometimes snore too,” Helena offered. Courtney knew this was her attempt at
trying to forge a connection with her, but it wasn’t going to work.

“Snoring’s
not exactly a positive trait to have,” Courtney replied.

No
one said anything. Courtney slouched along the edge of the kitchen counter and
took a sip of her coffee. “Coffee’s good.”

“I
made it,” Helena said.

“Dad,
do you have any creamer?” Courtney asked.

“In
the fridge,” he said, and then to Jenna, he asked, “You want to come with to
the grocery? I’ve got to grab a few things for dinner tonight.”

Jenna
jumped up from her kitchen chair. “Let me grab my purse.”

**

When
they were alone in the kitchen, Helena looked at Courtney and said, “I wish
there was something I could say, or something I could do.”

“I
wish there was too,” Courtney admitted. She didn’t want to be mad at the woman,
she really didn’t, but she couldn’t control her emotions, and that was how she
was feeling. Mad.

“You
have to understand, I was seventeen. Younger than you are now. Your dad and I,
we didn’t grow up in a stable situation. I’m not blaming that. I was… I’m not
proud of what I was, I’m not proud of what I did, but I will tell you this. I
thank God every day that there’s one decision I didn’t make.”

“And
what was that?” Courtney asked.

“That
I didn’t go through with an abortion.”

With
everything that had come up, Courtney had never even thought that she could
have been a statistic.

“You…
you almost?”

Helena
nodded her head, and her eyes puddled over. Courtney softened. She moved to the
kitchen table and sat next to Helena. This woman hadn’t deserted her, this
woman hadn’t ruined her life. She had been seventeen. She was confused, scared.
She had been messed up. Helena’s parents hadn’t been there for her, but her
brother, Courtney’s dad, he had been there, and he had helped her when she was
at her lowest point in her entire life. He took Courtney, made her his own, his
very own daughter.

Courtney
had been a gift to her parents, she realized that now, and whatever had
happened between her parents hadn’t been her fault, or Jenna’s fault. It had
been two people falling out of love, not divorcing over a big family secret
that was too big to hold a family together. It hadn’t been anyone’s fault.

Courtney
reached for Helena’s hand, squeezed it once, and then offered a smile. It would
still take some time, but that would be okay, because they had plenty of it.

When
the girls left Chicago the following evening, Helena had already booked a
ticket to come to Pennsylvania for Christmas. Their father couldn’t join her
because he already had Christmas plans with his wife’s family. There had been
many more conversations, and lots more tears, but a bond had been created. The
new phase in Jenna’s and Courtney’s lives had begun. And it would include
Helena.

Late
the evening before their departure, when Courtney and Jenna lay in bed
together, Courtney whispered what had worried her most, afraid to ask it in the
light of the day. She wasn’t sure if Jenna was even awake – her back was turned
away from her – but she so desperately needed to know the answer.

“Jenna,
we’re still sisters, right? You’re still my sister after all of this. You’re
not just my cousin?”

Courtney
felt Jenna move, and then she turned so she was face to face with her. Jenna
touched her cheek, which was wet with tears.

“Oh
Court, you’re my sister. Of course you are. Not only that, you’re my very best
friend. I’ve got no one else in the world I love more than you.”