What She Left Us (30 page)

“We
have to stop.” He ran his hands through his hair in a frustrated motion.

Jenna’s
eyes got wide, but she said nothing.

“I
don’t want it to be like this. In the bathroom at work,” he said.

Then
he reached for her again, holding her at her waist. “Jenna, I care so much
about you. But we can’t do this.”

“We
can’t do this?” Jenna asked.

“Not
like this, no. With you being so uncertain about Darren. About us. It’s not
fair to anyone. Especially you.”

“But,
I said, I told you… I know what I… ”

He
placed his finger to her lips to quiet her, and she wished more than anything
he would kiss her again, that he would just kiss her more. But he didn’t. He
looked into her eyes and she felt the tears sprouting again. She didn’t want
him to see her crying.

“You
have to figure out what you want. What you really want. Because I don’t think
you know.”

She
pushed her way past him, through the door and back out into the hall, grabbed
her keys, coat and scarf from her locker, and rushed through the crowded bar, past
all the people celebrating the end of mid-terms and the beginning of winter
break. People all around were drinking and dancing and having the time of their
lives and all Jenna wanted more than anything was to crawl into bed and forget
about existing.

She
hoped on her way out that Clay would have followed her, that he would have
said,
“Wait Jenna! I’ve made a mistake, I don’t want you to think about
things. I’ve made up my mind for the both of us.”
Then it would make
everything so simple. But he didn’t come out into the falling snow and the cold
December air. He didn’t chase after her like the prince in the fairy tales did.
He didn’t come after her like she had wanted him to. He stayed back inside the
bar.

He
didn’t even follow her out, didn’t even try to stop her.

Mitch,
Courtney and Jenna sat at the kitchen table, drinking their second pot of
coffee of the morning. They’d arrived at their mother’s house late the night
before and were getting a slow start on the day, and since the only plans
scheduled was an appointment for Jenna with Dr. Rhetler, no one was in a hurry
to do much of anything.

“We
could go tackle some of the boxes in the basement?” Courtney suggested.

“Maybe,
or we could do the upstairs bedroom closet,” Jenna said.

“I
actually did most of that over Thanksgiving, remember? Tore it all apart looking
for my birth certificate.”

“Pretty
lucky that Dad had a copy of it after all that, huh?” Jenna said.

“No
kidding. Mom wasn't too good at keeping important documents in a safe place,
was she?”

“Not
at all. I bet there's a box in the basement with more important stuff too.”

 “Speaking
of, that's pretty much where I put all the crap in Mom's closet when I tore it
apart, so… ” Courtney said.

“The
basement it is,” Jenna laughed. “Well, you guys can get started on that. I’ve
got a phone call to make, then I have to take a shower before my appointment
with Dr. Rhetler.”

Mitch
and Courtney exchanged looks, but before they could say anything, Jenna
answered the question on their minds. “I’m calling Darren, okay? So leave it
alone. I owe him that much. I’m calling him.”

“Okay,”
Courtney said. Jenna stood up from the table and made her way upstairs. She
nodded to the breakfast dishes. “You got these?”

“Yep.
Go make your call.”

“Thanks.”

Upstairs,
on her mother’s bed, Jenna twisted the blanket in between her fingers and
dialed Darren’s number. After three rings, he answered.

“Hi
Jenna,” he said.

“Hi.”

“Are
you home?” he asked.

“I’m
not really sure where home is anymore. If you mean at my mom’s, then yeah, I’m
here.”

“I
got in from Florida last night,” Darren said.

“You’re
here already? I thought you weren’t coming in until Christmas Eve.”

“I’ve
got some stuff to take care of.”

“Is
everything okay at home?” Jenna asked.

“Yeah,
everything’s fine. How are you doing?”

“I’m
not sure,” Jenna admitted. She placed her lips to her wrist, and rubbed them
against her tattoo, wishing so badly that things had been different, that she
hadn’t caused so much to happen between them.

“Can
I see you?” he asked.

Jenna
thought for a moment, feeling her pulse from her wrist beating on her lips.
Then she said, “I have a doctor’s appointment today.”

“Tomorrow
then?”

“Yeah,
tomorrow.”

“I’m
really sorry I wasn’t there for you when you got sick. I’ve been thinking a lot
about that, and I feel terrible. I was so focused on work, but it was only
because I wanted to make sure I was set for us. I’m also sorry I didn’t know
how to react after your mom died.”

“No,
that was all me. I screwed up royally. I’m sorry for a lot of things,” she said
quietly.

 “I
think we both made mistakes,” Darren said.

There
was a long silence, and then Darren asked, “How’s your health? Are you feeling
okay?”

“Really
good. I’m really good.”

“I’m
glad to hear that, truly I am,” Darren said. “I’ve missed you. It was so good
when we were in Florida together. It’s always so damn good when we’re together.
It’s just not good when we’re apart, you know?”

“I
know. I’ve got to go Darren, or I’m going to be late for the doctor.”

“Can
I pick you up at seven tomorrow night?”

“Yeah.
That’d be good.” She knew he couldn’t see it, but she kissed her heart tattoo,
and then hung up her phone. Seeing him would be good. She needed to see him.

Mitch
and Courtney had been in the basement for hours sorting through garbage bags of
junk and old boxes, deciding what would go to Goodwill and what would go into
the trash pile. Courtney stood up to stretch and then moved over to Mitch to
rub his shoulders.

“Thanks
for helping out. I know this isn’t exactly a great winter break for you,” she
said, massaging his neck.

“There’s
no place I’d rather be. Except maybe a Caribbean beach with you.” He smiled up
at her as he flipped through a box of photos. “You know there are some really
great photos here. You’re keeping these?”

Courtney
sat on an old end table next to him and he handed her a pile of photos. “Like
this one of the four of you,” Mitch said. “Look how cute you are in that one,
with your pigtails.”

“Yeah,
I guess so,” Courtney sorted through the stack.

“You
can’t look at that picture, or any of these, and tell me you weren’t loved,
Courtney. I know the last few weeks have been pretty fucked up for you, with
Helena and everything, but look at these pictures. Man. Your parents adored
you. Absolutely no question about it. I’d say you lived a pretty charmed life.”
He looked into her eyes, and kissed the tip of her nose.

“Why
are you telling me this?” Courtney asked. “Why are you getting all sentimental
on me?”

“You
know, I’m the oldest of five, the only boy. Yeah, everyone says they want a
boy. But I told you I was ignored. A lot. When the girls came along, it might
as well have been like I didn’t exist. My childhood kind of sucked,” Mitch
said. “Thank God I had my guitar. I sat in my room and played my guitar alone.
A lot.”

They
were quiet for a moment, in the dark of the basement, one stray lamp
illuminating their thoughts. “I want you to know that sometimes other people
don’t have what you think they do, and to be grateful for what you did have,
and for what you still have. And for what you’re going to have,” Mitch said. “With
Helena and your dad. Okay?”

Courtney
looked at the photos in her lap. Pictures from what seemed like a lifetime ago.
The family vacations. The candids from Disney World. Beach shots. Amusement
parks. Picnics. Courtney and Jenna playing in the sandbox in their backyard.
Splashing one another with the hose. On the swing set. At a playground. On
Dad’s shoulders at a parade on the Fourth of July. Pictures only a family would
have. Pictures she could only have because she had a sister. She was a part of
that. And she could have almost
not
been a part of that.

Courtney’s
vision began to blur and she sniffled. She wiped tears from her eyes but a
couple fell onto the photographs.

“You’re
going to still have it good, and I want to be a part of it. Okay?” Mitch said.

“I
want you here for everything. Always,” Courtney placed her arms around Mitch’s
neck. “Thanks for making me realize that everything’s going to be okay. That
everything already is good. I love you.”

“I
love you, too.”

“You’re
golden,” Dr. Rhetler smiled and closed Jenna’s file.

“What
do you mean, golden?” Jenna asked.

“Well,
not ‘golden-golden,’ but as far as the blood work and your vitals from today,
you’re doing excellent,” Dr. Rhetler said. “I think after the first of the
year, if your iron counts stay the same, we can drop your phlebotomy sessions
down to twice a month instead of twice a week.”

“Really?”

“Yep.”

“And
then what?”

“That’s
it. Can you handle that, for the future? A maintenance program. Twice a month.
That’s all you’ll need to do to keep your hemochromatosis in check. Keep it
stable.”

Jenna
took a deep breath. “I can handle that. I can so handle that.”

Dr.
Rhetler handed the file to Jenna and said, “Great, give this to Dee up front,
and set up another appointment mid-January. I’m so glad everything’s working
out for you Jenna, really.”

“Me
too, Dr. Rhetler, me too. Thank you so much.”

“Did
everything work out with your sister? I know I had some difficult news to share
with her last time. I mean, some good news and then some hard news too.”

“Oh
yes, everything turned out okay. She is adopted, but we know the birth mother,
and they’re going to have a really great relationship,” Jenna smiled. She
didn’t need to go into any further details with Dr. Rhetler, but she felt she
had to let her know that everything was good.

“Wonderful,
I’m glad. I know it’s been a tough year for the both of you.”

“It
has,” Jenna said, “But we’re dealing with everything and looking forward to a
much better year. Thank you for everything.”

Jenna
left the doctor’s office and headed to her car. Once she got in, she turned on
the ignition, and then the heat, and sat there for a moment.

Then
it happened.

Everything
that had built up inside of her volcanoed up and she could hold it in no
longer. She exploded with emotions. With relief of finally feeling like she might
really be okay with the disease she would be managing for the rest of her life.
She felt worry for her sister, and anxiety over the news about Helena. And also
what had been going on between Clay and Darren – all the drama in her life just
came up and needed to get out of her system, and it all happened at that
moment, in the parking garage at the doctor’s office.

She
cried and cried, it had been building up for so long, and there had been so
many things on her mind. The tension was leaving her body as the tears came,
she could feel it physically falling from her, and sad sounds came from her as
she bawled in the darkness and warmth of her car. She let it all out – no one
could hear her, and it felt healing.

She
wept for the loss of her mother, oh, how she missed her mom. The fact that her
mom didn’t have to be gone made her sadder, that if she had known she was a
carrier of the disease, she could have taken the same precautions as Jenna and
been fine too. If only she had known.

She
cried because she loved Darren so much and she missed him. He had been such a
constant in her life but they had disappointed one another. She pulled away
from him when she needed him the most and he hadn't known to be strong enough
for the both of them. She didn't know what the future held.

After
about twenty minutes of sobbing, Jenna felt like everything she’d had built up
inside her had dissipated. The sobs slowed down and she reached into her purse
for a tissue. She found one at the bottom of her bag, and blew her nose. When she
finally felt like she could drive, she fastened her seat belt and went to put
her car into gear.  But before she did, she checked her phone. There was a text
message from Courtney, and also a voice mail. She shot back a quick text to
Courtney to let her know everything went fine with the doctor and that she was
on her way home, and then she listened to the voice mail.

It
was Clay.

“Hi
Jenna, it’s Clay. I wanted to let you know I should have never let you leave
the bar the other night, and I can’t stop thinking about you, or what happened before
you left. I need to talk to you.”