What She Left Us (31 page)

“You
know what we need to do?” Mitch asked.

“What?”
Courtney was laying on the floor, feet up on the only piece of furniture in the
living room – the couch that was headed to Goodwill eventually. Mitch was
lounging on the couch, playing with Courtney’s toes. Jenna was looking over the
breakfast bar from the kitchen area, drinking coffee. She rolled her eyes.

“What
bright idea do you have now Mitch?” she asked.

“It’s
obvious, don’t you girls know?”

“Spill
it, mastermind,” Jenna grinned.

Courtney
tossed the
People
magazine she was reading at Jenna. “I’m so glad you
two are finally getting along. But yeah, Mitch, what’s your great idea?”

“We
need a Christmas tree.”

Courtney
popped up and clapped her hands. “There's an artificial one down in the
basement in the Goodwill pile!”

“Oh
no, I’m thinking real. A spruce or pine. There’s that lot down the street by
the gas station.”

“You
guys are on your own for this one,” Jenna said. “I actually have a date
tonight.”

“You’re
going out with Darren?” Courtney asked.

“I’m
going out with Darren.” Jenna wasn't sure how she felt about it. That she had a
date with her ex-fiancé. But she was going, and she had to find out what was
happening between the two of them.

**

She
didn't know why, but her hands shook as she dialed Clay’s number. Okay, she
knew why, she was nervous about what she was going to tell him, that’s why her
hands were shaking. When he answered, she knew he was at the bar because she
could hear Amy Winehouse’s
Back to Black
in the background. Also, he
answered his cell phone by saying, “Klippy’s! Food, Froth and Fun!” which
actually calmed Jenna down, brought a smile to her face.

Clay,
she thought.

“You
realize you answered your cell phone that way?” Jenna laughed.

“Hey!
Wow, I guess that means I’ve been working too much. Hang on a minute?”

She
could tell he was moving away from the bar area, probably to the back where it
was quiet, and then she thought about the last night she was there, when his
arms were around her, and his lips were on hers, his warm hands touching her
skin…

“Okay,
I'm back, how are you?” his voice softer this time.

“I’m
good. I had a doctor appointment. Looks like after the first of the year, I’m
only going to have to do two treatments a month.”

“That’s
great news, really great. I’m glad for you.”

She
could sense in his voice that things were weird, or maybe she was preparing for
things to be weird, so she spit out the next piece of news.

“Clay,
I don't think I'm coming back. I’m going to have to tell Doug I’m not going to
be working there anymore, and I’ve got to get out of my lease.”

“You’re
not coming back?”

“No.
Courtney doesn’t need me there. I don’t need to be there.”

“You’re
going back to Darren?” he asked.

“I
don’t know. I haven’t seen him. Clay, I’m so sorry. You’ve been… you are… I
don’t want to sound like an idiot, but you helped me more than you could
possibly know.”

“Well,
thanks. I guess.”

Jenna
could hear the bitterness in his voice. She didn’t want him to be bitter. She
wanted him to say that it was cool, that they’d always be friends, and he cared
for her, and that he understood.

No.
That wasn't what she wanted him to say. She wanted him to say that it wasn't
cool with him. That he wanted her to come back. That he never wanted her to
leave the bar that night when they had been kissing, and that he wanted so much
more from her.

But
he didn’t say any of that. He said nothing.

“Clay?”

“I
don’t know what you want me to say.”

They
were quiet for a long moment, and then he said it. “I wish you hadn't run out
like that.”

“I
wish you would have followed me.” It was such a small whisper, but she said it.
It was out there, like a hot air balloon floating aimlessly into the open sky.

“Damn
it, Jenna. So do I. I can't tell you how much I wish I did. But I'm not that
guy. I'm not the guy who runs after another man's woman. I'm not going after
someone who doesn't know what she wants.”

Jenna
felt that telltale tickling in her nose that would lead to tears, but she
wouldn't cry.

“I…
I’m sorry. I was confused about a lot of things. But that's not your fault. I
met you at a bad time in my life. The wrong time. You’ve been such a good
friend, more than you know, and I’ll always be grateful for that.”

“Is
that it? Is that all?” Clay sounded angry.

“I
don't know what more I can say,” Jenna was about to burst into tears and she
knew she had to get off the phone. She felt like she had hurt him and she
didn't want to hurt him more. He had been so good to her.

Jenna
wanted to put this all behind her and move forward. She waited a beat, heard
Clay sigh deeply, and she realized he wasn’t going to say anything more.

“Clay?”

Finally,
he spoke. “I didn’t want to be just your good friend.”

“I
know.”

“No
you don't. You have no idea.”

When
he didn’t say anything more, Jenna said, “I’m really sorry.”

“I
guess there’s nothing else to say then.”

When
the doorbell rang at seven, Mitch and Courtney were knee-deep in ornaments,
tinsel and lights, creating their own first Christmas together. Mitch put down
the box of glass ornaments they bought at Target and opened the door to let
Darren in.

“Hey
there,” Mitch said and shook his hand. “You must be Darren. I'm Mitch.”

“Hey
Mitch. Nice to meet you.” Darren said.

Courtney
unstrung herself from the tree and made her way over to Darren. “Darren! That's
right! You guys never met! How are you? It's good to see you!”

“You
too, Courty!” Darren embraced Courtney. “How are
you?
Jenna filled me in
on everything. You doing okay?”

“You
know, yeah. I am. It could have been a lot worse. It really could have been. Helena
will be here in a couple days, so I think that will be a good opportunity for
all of us to get to know each other better. We’re doing pretty good.”

“Jenna
too?” he asked.

“Are
you guys talking about me?” Jenna made her way down the stairs. She was dressed
in dark skinny jeans and a turquoise turtleneck and her hair was down and
curled, which was unusual for her. She also wore a necklace Darren had given
her for her last birthday – a sterling silver heart pendant that hung low. When
he gave it to her, he had told her it reminded him of their heart tattoos. She
hadn’t worn it in forever. Courtney didn't comment on her jewelry choice or appearance.

She
didn’t have to though, because Darren did when Jenna walked toward him. “Wow.
You look beautiful.”

Jenna
smiled. Courtney looked at her sister, who seemed to be happy. She sent up a
wish that Jenna would finally figure out what she wanted. She just wanted her
sister to be happy.

Darren
reached his arms out and hugged Jenna. “I missed you,” he said, burying his
face into her hair.

“Me
too,” she said. Because she did miss him. He had been there every day for so
long that to not have had him in her life for such a long time had been strange.
But it was also strange to have him here again. This would take some getting
used to.

“Ready
to go?” he asked.

“Yep,”
Jenna said.

“You
kids have fun,” Courtney joked.

“Yeah,
don’t stay out too late,” Mitch added.

He
didn’t take her to one of their usual places. Instead, they ended up at a new
restaurant in the city, called Cosmopolitan. It was touted as intimately retro,
painted in earthy tones and the lighting was low and warm. When Jenna slid into
the mahogany leather seat, instead of Darren taking the seat across from her,
he slid right next to her.

She
turned and faced him, a question in her eyes.

“I
just want to be as near to you as I can be. Is this okay with you?”

“Yes,”
although she wasn't quite sure of his proximity. It made her nervous.

The
waiter came over with a wine list and Darren chose a pinot noir, and then as
quickly as the waiter arrived, he left, and they were alone again.

“I’ve
decided I can’t go back,” Darren said. “Not without you.”

“Not
without me?” Jenna asked, feeling as if he were giving her an ultimatum.

Darren
took her wrist into his. Her wrist with her tattoo. He kept his focus down, as
if he was trying so hard to concentrate on the words he wanted to say. He took
his thumb and moved it along the edges of her tattoo, then caressed the blue
veins that ran through the inside of the lines of the heart, as if those veins
kept her real heart beating. She supposed they did.

“We’ve
both made mistakes. I don’t want to blame either one of us. I want to put
everything behind us. I’ve learned that when I’m away from you, I’m not as good
as when I’m with you. And if that means that I don’t go back to Florida to
finish the training, then I’ll stay here. I’ll forget about doing this other
stuff. I’d rather be with you.”

Jenna
felt the tears, and the guilt.

“I
was with someone else,” she blurted.

Darren
lifted his head and finally looked up at her and his hair fell over his eyes as
he did. He let go of her wrist to push his hair away from his forehead. Jenna
took this moment to straighten her back and inch a bit further from him. She
couldn’t tell if he was angry or saddened, or both, but she knew she had to
follow through with telling him everything, so she continued.

“It
was someone I work with. But he was… I don’t know. It was only kissing.”

Jenna
watched Darren’s face for a reaction, and she could tell by his body language
and a soft sigh that this relieved him, that it had only been kissing, so she
pushed forward.

“He
listened to me. I was in a completely new environment, but for the first time I
felt like someone was truly and honestly listening to me.” And as she spoke the
words aloud, she realized it. Clay had listened to her, and he had asked her
questions and he understood her, in a way like no one else had. Clay had looked
into Jenna's eyes intently. In fact, his eyes burned through to her when they
talked to one another, as if there was no one else around them, and he listened
to her as if she was the only one who existed.

She
tried to push those thoughts aside to focus on Darren.

“And
Courtney was swept away with Mitch. I feel like he was maybe a… I don’t know,
maybe a distraction. I was dealing with being newly diagnosed, and my mom’s
death. And yeah, I was lonely. I got caught up in my feelings because I was so
lonely.”

Darren
turned his body so he could look at her and they were face to face. The waiter
came by with their wine, and poured two glasses quickly, then he left menus and
disappeared. Darren took Jenna’s face into his hands, so she could not turn
away. His hands were soft and cool. Her eyes were damp, but she didn’t deserve
to cry.

“Look,
we’ve had some rough spots. I don't care that you were with someone else.
You're being honest now. I love you. I hate being away from you. Nothing makes
sense when I’m not around you. It’s like everything feels wrong. Hazy almost.
Then when you’re here, even if things are messy, they’re still clear. I need
the clarity you bring into my life. I’d rather have messy clarity than hazy
messiness. Does that make sense?”

It
didn't make sense to Jenna at all. She was nervous so she laughed.

 “See,
you do think it makes sense,” Darren said. “You know exactly what I’m talking
about, don’t you?”

“Actually,
I'm not sure what you're saying?”

He
took his hands off her face and reached for her hand. “Of course you do. You
know what I mean.”

She
stared at him, wondering who this person was staring back at her. She thought
she knew him, yet how could she think she could live the rest of her life with
a man who didn’t understand a thing about her?

“So?
What
do
you think?” Darren asked.

Jenna
laughed again.

But
she wasn't laughing because it made sense. She was laughing because this night
was not going how she thought it might go. Not at all. The more she thought
about it – the more she thought about Clay – the more it made sense that
nothing
made sense with Darren. She couldn't stop thinking about Clay, how she felt
like a better person around him. She couldn't stop thinking about how he
understood her, how he hung onto every word she said, how he cared about what
she had to say, how concerned he was for her well-being when she was sick, how
caring and nurturing he was. If she compared Clay and Darren to each other,
well, there was no comparing the two.