What She Left Us (32 page)

She
looked at Darren, looked into his eyes and knew that she had loved him once,
that she had loved him dearly at one time. She also knew that if he hadn't been
there for her when she was going through a life-threatening illness, how could
she count on him forever for better or for worse, when she had practically just
lived through a for better or for worse situation? How could she count on him
for the next two weeks if he was the kind of guy who would not be by her side
while she was… she didn't even want to think about it any longer. She was done
thinking. Her mind was made up, and there was no use drawing the night out and
making it any worse on either of them.

Darren
broke her chain of thought and said it again, “So? What do you think? What do
you think we should do?” Darren asked hopeful.

“Honestly
Darren, I think it's probably best if you just took me home.”

Jenna
let herself in and saw that Mitch and Courtney were cozied up on the couch,
Chinese takeout boxes and an empty wine bottle on the floor next to them.
Another one was half-filled and Mitch was doing something pretty sexy to
Courtney’s neck. She felt bad about interrupting their evening, but what was
she to do? Sit out on the porch until she felt like she could come inside? So
she tried to be as inconspicuous as possible as she slid into the hallway and
made her way up the stairs.

“Sorry,
just running upstairs here really quick. Don’t mind me,” Jenna whispered.

Courtney
nudged Mitch from the couch and sat up. “You’re home already? Why? What
happened? Where’s Darren?” She pounded the questions at her sister.

“Eh,
you know. We can talk in the morning,” Jenna said.

“Great
idea,” Mitch pulled Courtney back to the couch, but she wouldn’t hear of it.

“No
way! Get over here now. I want to know what’s up.”

Tears
welled up in Jenna’s eyes and she sighed deeply. Mitch groaned and got up from
his spot on the couch. “I’ll go get the tissues.”

“Oh
Jenna!” Courtney exclaimed and brought her sister over to the couch.

“No
really,” Jenna sniffed. “I’m okay. This is what I wanted. It was my decision.
I’m sure of it. We’re not right for each other. I just needed to make sure, and
that’s what I’ve done. I’m okay. Just a little bit sad, but really, I’m all
right.”

Courtney
hugged her sister. “You sure?” she asked.

“Positive.”

“How’s
Darren?”

“Okay,
I guess. Not what he was expecting tonight. He was finally willing to give it
all up. But my mind’s been made up. For a while now. I just needed to see him
to make sure, to be positive. And I am. So now I can breathe easy about this
decision and get on with my life.”

“Really?”
Courtney paused.

“Really.”

“Hey?”
Mitch called from the kitchen, “Can I come back in there now?”

The
girls laughed, Jenna sniffled again, and said, “Of course! I’ve been waiting
for those tissues!”

“Damn,
a guy can’t catch a break. I try to give you girls some privacy and this is
what I get? Here you go,” he handed a box of tissues to Jenna.

“Thanks,”
she said, taking them and offering Mitch a soft smile.

“For
what it’s worth,” Mitch said, “That guy seemed like kind of a tool if you ask me.”

Courtney
gave him a look. “No one’s asking you, and you do not want to know what kind of
first impression you made on my sister. So shut your trap.”

“Forget
about Darren. I'm exhausted talking about him. Helena comes in two days and
we've got to get this place cleared out and on the market by the end of the
holidays,” Jenna said. “Let’s get our focus in gear. Can we do this so we can
enjoy Christmas, please? Tomorrow we clean. And then we can all relax and enjoy
the holiday. All right?”

“Sounds
like a plan,” Courtney said.

“Sounds
like the beginning of a perfect plan,” Jenna said. “Then I can start figuring
out the rest of my life.”

Two
days later, on Christmas Eve day, the basement was cleared of all the cluttered
boxes and mismatched furniture that had been stored down there for years. Jenna
and Courtney had tackled the remainder of items in their mom’s room, without
many tears, and actually, managed to do so with quite a few laughs.

Mitch
pulled everything up from the basement and taken the bigger items to Goodwill,
thrown out the stuff that was garbage, and then what was to be salvaged was put
in boxes and placed in the garage to be picked up at a later date. The house
was ready and the call was placed to the realtor, who would be coming by after
New Year’s. Plans were in motion.

They
found an old card table that would make do for Christmas dinner and they
dragged it up and put it in the dining room, along with the matching folding
chairs. In a box marked “Christmas decorations” the girls found one of their
mom's old holiday tablecloths and a plastic holly and ivy centerpiece. They
looked at one another and shrugged, silently agreeing that it would have to do.
In fact, once it was all in place, with some tea light candles, the girls
smiled at each other and Courtney said, “I’ve never seen anything more
beautiful.” Jenna had tears in her eyes.

When
the doorbell rang, Jenna and Courtney glanced at each other.

“You
answer it,” Courtney said.

“She’s
your mom,” Jenna joked.

“Rude.”

“I’m
only kidding, let’s get it together.” Jenna hooked her arm around her sister’s
and they went to the door together. They decided to let Mitch wait in the
living room.

When
they opened the door, Helena smiled at them, her arms filled with packages and
a large poinsettia plant.

“I
didn’t know what to bring,” Helena said.

The
three stood there for a beat, looking at each other, and then Jenna said,
“We’re so happy you could be here. Come in.”

Helena
followed them into the house and Mitch greeted them in the hallway.

“Helena,
this is Mitch, Courtney’s boyfriend.” Courtney loved the way that sounded, and
she beamed as Jenna introduced Mitch to Helena, yet she didn’t say anything.

“Hi,
nice to meet you Helena,” Mitch said taking the poinsettia from her arms.
“Merry Christmas.”

“Merry
Christmas to you,” Helena offered.

 “Can
I get you something to drink?” Mitch asked.

“Water
would be great,” Helena said. “I get really dehydrated on flights.”

Courtney
still had not spoken a word since Helena’s arrival.

Jenna
noticed, and said to Mitch, “Why don’t you check out the game scores, we girls
will grab drinks. Be right out.”

In
the kitchen, Jenna grabbed a couple bottled waters and pulled out a lemon from
the fridge to slice. When she turned around to ask if Courtney wanted a beer or
wine, Courtney was staring at Helena.

“What’s
the matter? Court, what’s the matter?”

“I
just… I just… ”

Helena
turned and looked at Jenna, then back at Courtney.

“What?
What is it?” Jenna put the waters down and moved toward Courtney.

“I
look so much like you, Helena. I guess I didn't really notice in Chicago. I
look exactly like you.”

Courtney
started crying, then Helena, and then Jenna, and then the three of them were
hugging and crying, trying to erase the pain of the unknown, of everything that
could have been, had such a secret not been wedged into their lives.

“Oh
Courtney, I wanted to be a part of your life, of both of your lives, for so
long. You have no idea. But your mother wouldn’t have it. I did a terrible
thing, and she couldn’t forgive me. But she did an amazing thing. She took you
in, both your mom and your dad. She saved you. She wanted to protect you both
so badly. I can’t blame her. I can only try to make things right now. All I
want is to have a relationship with both of you. That’s all I wish.”

Courtney
raised her head, and looked into the eyes of the woman who had given birth to
her. Eyes that were exactly like hers.

“That’s
what I want. That’s what I wish for too.”

After
the kitchen meltdown, and now that everything was out in the open on where
expectations were, everyone relaxed and got into the spirit of the holidays.
Mitch brought out his guitar and played goofy holiday songs, creating his own
lyrics, suggesting that Rudolph might have been a slightly perverted reindeer searching
for kinky love in the North Pole.

They
ordered in dinner, and Mitch, Courtney and Jenna drank wine late into the
evening, while Helena stuck to water. They all shared stories from their
childhoods.

Helena
was quiet during most of this time, but did share a couple stories from when
she and the girls’ dad were younger. Still, she mostly listened as Jenna and
Courtney shared stories about growing up in that very house.

Finally,
Helena spoke. “I have a story I want to share.” She sat on the couch, next to
Courtney and Mitch. Jenna was settled on pillows near the fireplace hearth, her
mother’s crocheted blanket tucked securely around her.

“Okay,”
Mitch said. “Helena’s turn.”

“It’s
about Courtney, and the first time I held her.” Helena blew air from her mouth,
as if she’d been holding it in for nineteen years, waiting to tell this story.
She reached over and tentatively touched Courtney’s knee, to check to make sure
it was okay that she share this moment with everyone, and when Courtney took
her hand in hers and squeezed it, and kept holding it, Helena continued.

“I
stopped the meth months before you were born. Well, I tried. I stopped that,
but I was doing some other things. Pot mostly. I was so messed up I didn’t know
I was pregnant until I was about four months.” She sniffled then, and Courtney
was afraid Helena might cry. She gave Helena a reassuring squeeze of her hand,
letting her know it was okay to keep going.

“As
soon as I knew, I called your dad. Our parents would have never helped. They
never knew. Not even until the day they died. Your grandparents never knew I
had a baby, that you belonged to me. They were old school. They had me when
they were older. And your dad, he was more of a father to me than our own dad
was. I knew he would help. And your mom, too. I knew I could count on them.
Courtney, you were a blessing to them. They were struggling to get pregnant
again, after Jenna.”

“I
never knew that,” Jenna said.

“Me
neither,” Courtney added. “But there was a lot we didn’t know.”

“When
the cramps started, I seriously thought I was having a miscarriage. I didn’t
think a baby could survive all that I had done to my body. But then, in the
hospital, there you were. And after everything I had done to myself, and to
you, I actually thought I could handle being a mother.”

“You
did?” Courtney asked.

“It’s
the strangest feeling you have when you have a child. This fierce empowerment.
That you can do anything. I wanted to try. But, of course, I couldn’t. I was
seventeen. We arranged for me to go into treatment, and for your parents to
adopt you.”

Jenna
wrapped the blanket around herself tighter, and the fire crackled. Mitch moved
closer to Courtney, and Helena took a deep breath and continued her story.

“But
I held you. And it was the most glorious moment in my life, even though I was
so messed up. There is no amount of drugs that ever made me feel the way I felt
when I held you in my arms that very first moment. And that was when I knew I
needed to get help. When I saw you there, helpless, and obviously in pain.
Because of what I did to you… ” She broke down then, in hard sobs, crying for
what she had done to Courtney, for the pain she had caused a little baby so
many years ago.

“Helena,
it’s okay, it’s okay,” Courtney held onto her, saying it over and over. “I’m
okay. We’re here together now.”

“I
know, but I still can’t believe what I did to you. You did nothing, and I hurt
you. How can you ever forgive me?”

“Helena,
I forgave you the minute you gave me to my parents. That was a selfless act.
Look what you did for me. For Courtney and for me. Look what you left us. Do
you have any idea what
all
of our lives would have been like had you not
given me to Mom and Dad? I’m not sure either of us would be alive,” Courtney
hugged her.

“We’re
alive, and we’re together, and we’re spending Christmas together, and we’re
going to be seeing each other and doing things together,” Courtney said. “I
promise.”

Helena
wiped her eyes, and looked at Courtney, and then at Jenna. “I want both of you
in my life.” Then she looked at Mitch too, and kind of laugh-cried. “And you
too, actually. I want this family as my own. It’s just me and your dad, and
truthfully, I can’t stand that wife of his!”

Jenna
took that moment to lighten the mood. “I’ll drink that that! Mitch, let’s get
some more wine in the kitchen. This is a celebration, and we’re here to
celebrate the holidays, so let’s do that!” Mitch stood up and reached for
Jenna’s hand to help her up off the floor and the two headed for the kitchen,
leaving Helena and Courtney alone.