What She Left Us (22 page)

“I’m
sorry Courtney. This can only mean one thing.”

Tears
filled Courtney’s eyes and the weight of the realization began to expand like a
thick mud, filling up her insides.

“What?
What? Say it.” Although in her mind, she already knew, she had to hear it from
Dr. Rhetler.

“Honey,
this means that it would be impossible for you and Jenna to be biological
sisters.”

Jenna
got off the plane and Darren was waiting. He was there with flowers, a huge
bunch of them, Peruvian lilies and carnations, and Jenna had never seen him
smile the way he was when his eyes landed on her. She ran into his arms and he
swung her around and around and she lifted her leg and one of her shoes flung
off. People in the airport smiled at them, and Jenna felt like she was probably
the luckiest girl in the world. She wondered if all the other women were wishing
they were her at that moment.

Because
what woman wouldn’t want to be swept off her feet at the airport by a handsome
man with a huge bouquet of fragrant beautiful flowers?

He
kissed her, without reservation, and all her worries were gone. Again, it was
only when she was away from him that the skepticism crept in. She
needed
to be here with him. A quick thought of Clay snuck in but she pushed him aside.
He was her friend, a good friend, and that was all. She knew that. Darren was
her soul mate. Forever.

“I’m
so glad you’re here. So glad! I've missed you so much!”

“Me
too,” she slung her purse over her shoulder and they took the escalator down to
Baggage Claim to get her suitcase.

“How’s
Courtney doing?” he asked.

“I
haven’t checked in but she had a doctor appointment earlier today. She was
great this morning when she and Mitch dropped me at the airport. She's got all
her color back and her iron count was up like four points,” Jenna said.

“Good
to hear. Now you don’t have to worry about her at all when you’re here. We can
concentrate on us the whole time,” Darren gave her a squeeze. “We’ve got a lot
of concentrating to do. A lot of talking too.”

“Talking
about what?” Jenna asked.

“About
where we see our future headed,” Darren brushed a loose strand of hair away
from her face, kissed her full on the lips. They had her bags now and were
heading for his car. She was so glad to be out of the dismal cold weather, the
sun hit her and the warmth brought an immediate smile to her face.

“Can
we discuss our future at the beach?”

“It’s
on our list,” Darren said.

“Ooh,
we have a ‘list’ do we?” Jenna said.

“We
have a list,” Darren replied.

“Let’s
get to it then,” Jenna smiled.

They
got into Darren’s car and headed to the apartment he was renting for the two
months he was staying in Florida. Jenna rolled down the window, opened the
sunroof and let the Vitamin D sink into her skin. As the car flew down the
highway, she watched as they sped by palm trees and ocean, all green and blue,
so much color. She hadn’t seen such colorful landscape in forever. She inhaled
deeply. It felt different here, she thought, cleaner, fresher. She wanted to
taste it.

“Feels
good doesn’t it?” Darren asked.

“Wow.
I haven’t been to Florida since we were little kids. I used to love the beach,”
Jenna outstretched her arms. “Dad and Mom used to take us when we were really
little. Like every summer.”

“Maybe
we can take our kids someday. Or maybe we’ll live here someday. Who knows?”
Darren smiled.

“Let’s
enjoy now,” Jenna said. “No deep talks like that yet, ‘kay?”

“Okay,
not yet. I don’t even know where I’ll be after training.”

“Exactly,”
Jenna traced her tattoo, remembering the scratchy cat-like feel of the needle pricking
in and out of her skin. Recalling the promise they made to one another that night,
on their first anniversary of dating. To be together forever.

“Does
it seem like we’ve even been apart?” she glanced at Darren.

“Yeah,
too damn much, actually.” he said sadly.

“Yeah,
me too,” she agreed. “Me too.”

They
drove in silence for a while, a silence they weren’t used to. They had never
shared silence. There were always words between them, bantering back and forth,
because there was always something going on, they had always been together,
they had always shared everything. Now though, things had shifted, and they
were there to see if they could get it back, their solidarity, their oneness.
That’s what this trip was all about.

“We’ll
be okay though, right,” Jenna’s voice cracked.

“I
hope so. That’s what I want,” Darren said, slipping his hand into hers,
matching up their tattoos. They continued to drive in silence, but it didn’t
feel as lonely as it did minutes before, now that his hand was in hers, now
that their tattoos connected again.

“I
can’t go with you Mitch.”

Courtney
had been crying non-stop since she and Mitch left Dr. Rhetler’s office and
Mitch was doing everything he could to console her. Still, nothing worked. It
had felt to Courtney like a death, worse than a death actually, and she didn’t
know what was happening.

Was
her whole life a complete lie?

She
felt confusion, misunderstanding, anger, sadness, rage, hurt, and she had no
idea who to direct these feelings toward. Was she not her mother’s daughter?
Did she not belong to her father? Was she not related to her very own sister?
How was she going to find out these answers? And then, quick as a flash,
through her mind, she wondered, did her sister know the truth about her?

No.
Jenna wouldn’t have kept such a horrible secret from her for a lifetime. This
would devastate Jenna as well. But what exactly did this mean to Courtney. Was
she adopted? She had to find out answers, and that meant she couldn’t go home
with Mitch to meet his family over Thanksgiving. How on earth could she pretend
to be happy to meet
his
family when she was having this crisis? When she
didn’t even know who her own family was?

“You
see why I can’t go, don’t you?” she asked him again.

“Yes,
but I wish you would come. Or I could stay. Do you want me to stay tonight? I
could help you go through your mother’s things?” he offered.

She
had said no but Mitch drove her back to her mom’s house, because Courtney had
no other idea on what to do or where to begin her search. She figured she would
go through the things there, to look for clues, to search for something,
anything to give her an idea on who she might really be. Because it was certain
now that she wasn’t actually born Courtney Haddonfield.

When
Mitch kissed her goodbye very reluctantly, Courtney cried harder. “I’ll stay.
Let me stay and help you.” He ran his fingers through her hair and she held his
hands for a minute, considering his offer. She wanted him to stay with her. She
wanted him more than anything. She didn’t want to stay in the lonely house by
herself, the house where she had grown up, lived with her family, only to now
discover it had all been a lie. 

Her
whole life was a complete lie.

Finally,
Courtney said, “No. Go. Call me when you get to your parents. And make up an excuse
on why I couldn’t come. Tell them I'm still in the hospital, anything. Tell
them I’m really sorry,” she said.

“I’ll
tell them you’ll come for Christmas,” he said.

After
Mitch left, Courtney dried her tears and started in her mom’s closet. She tore
through it like a crazed woman, first with a box of old photos.

There
were the grade school photos first, the ones where she and Jenna had matching
haircuts, even though they were five full years apart – bangs across the eyes,
and a blunt cut below the ears, not quite Dorothy Hamill, not quite Dutch boy
from the paint cans. Courtney remembered always wanting to emulate Jenna’s
style and Jenna always wanting to change it up, to not have to be the same as
her little sister.

Well,
look now Jenna, you’re not anything like me after all. We’re not even sisters.

Next
Courtney found the dance pictures. They had both taken dance classes, and Jenna
had been the one who had excelled. Pink tutus and leotards, hands in the air in
pirouettes, feet in position one, smiles plastered on their faces. Courtney
remembered the time they had both performed in
The Nutcracker
. Jenna had
danced as a Sugarplum Fairy while Courtney had been relegated to a dancing Candy
Cane. Courtney, always second place. It was all beginning to make sense.

There
were sports pictures, Jenna's piano recital photos, first dates and dances
where boys whose names were long forgotten pinned flowers onto dresses she
couldn’t fathom they thought were pretty. Graduation from elementary, junior
high, then high school. Her life was all nicely Kodak-preserved. It all looked
pretty normal. A pretty normal life.

Then
she found the first few years of life, tucked way at the bottom of the box, and
before she was born. When it was just her mom, dad and Jenna. The three of
them. First, her pregnant mom with her dad. Her mom was big and pregnant, her
dad with his arms wrapped proudly around her stomach. Pictures of a nursery. A
pretty yellow and green room with a zoo theme – a giraffe picture on the wall
and a stuffed monkey, and her mother smiling in a rocking chair, her belly
blooming large. Then hospital baby photos. Courtney knew these were of Jenna by
the date digitally stamped on the back of the photos. There were a lot of these
first baby photos.

Courtney
was three hours into her search when Jenna called. She hadn’t talked to her
since she left early that morning.

Keep
calm, keep calm,
she told herself as she answered.

“Hey,”
Courtney said trying to not let her voice crack with emotion.

“Hi!
How are you? How’d the appointment go?” Jenna asked.

“Good,
all’s good. She checked me out and I’m good.” Courtney bit the inside of her
cheek to keep from freaking out or crying or telling Jenna to come home and
help her figure out everything. She was fighting the urge to be mad and angry
at Jenna, to blame her for all of this, when deep inside, she knew Jenna had no
idea of any of this.

“Really?”

“Yeah,
really,” Courtney said.

“Cool.
So are you at Mitch’s now?”

“Yep.”
Another lie.

“How’s
his family?” Jenna asked.

“We
kind of just got here. I should go, still going through the introductions.”
Courtney needed to get off the phone with Jenna, and fast. She was about to
lose it. “Can I call you later?”

“Yeah.
Oh, Darren says hi. We’re at the beach! It’s awesome weather!” Jenna said.
“Love you!”

“Me
too. Bye.” And Courtney clicked off the phone.

She
needed fresh air, and she needed it fast. She got up from the floor in her
mom’s room and bounded down the stairs and out the front door, grabbing her
purse on the way out. There was a convenient store on the corner. She hadn’t
eaten since that morning and she knew she had to eat. Oh wait, she didn’t have
the disease so it wasn’t really important for her to eat anymore, she thought
to herself and despite how crazy she felt, she laughed at the idea of it all.

Still,
she walked briskly to the corner, arms across her chest, because she left her
jacket at the house, and it was late November, and it was freezing out. He mind
was going a million miles, thinking about all that had happened within the last
eight hours. She couldn’t deal.

When
she got to the store, she pulled open the door and the bells jangled. The smell
of burnt coffee smacked her senses. Rows and rows of half-filled orange coffee
carafes sizzled on the burners, but even though Courtney was chilled from her
walk, she passed them by and went to the refrigerated drinks instead. She grabbed
a Red Bull, shaking her head as she did so, because she had never had a Red
Bull in her entire life. She also grabbed a ready-made turkey sandwich and a
bag of Funyuns.

“Cramming
for finals?” the cashier asked.

“Something
like that,” Courtney attempted a smile.

“Have
a nice day.” He handed Courtney a plastic bag and she walked out of the store,
grateful to get away from the burnt coffee smell and back into the freezing
cold air.

Back
at the house, she slammed the Red Bull, because she figured that was what you
were supposed to do when drinking an energy drink, and then she ate the
sandwich and Funyuns. The sandwich was stale and the Funyuns left an oniony
film of preservatives on her tongue. The Red Bull did give her a burst of
unexpected energy she was suddenly grateful for.

She
remembered there were some photo albums stuck at the top of her mom’s closet so
she went back upstairs and pulled them down onto the floor.

There
were birthday party pictures when she and Jenna were probably around three and
eight, with piñatas and party hats, and photos from school trips and family
vacations. She found some from a trip to Disney.