When We Collide (23 page)

I moved to hug my knees, before I looked over at my
little sister who continued on in a constant barrage of clicks.

I couldn’t help but smile.

My sister had escaped.

Amber caught me staring, her mouth twisting up in a
little half smile as she blew back a thick lock of brown hair that
had fallen in her face.

“What?” Her dark hazel eyes were wide and
playful.

“I’m just happy for you,” I said.

Amber had a husband who loved and respected her and
two children who were—just as she’d said—incredible.

Amber glanced over the kids, before she turned her
attention back to me. “It’s because of you, you know.”

I knew what she was saying, and I bit at the side of
my bottom lip and shook my head. “That’s not true, Amber.”

She scowled. “You think I’d be here right now if it
wasn’t for you? Do you really think I would have survived?”

I was suddenly back in our little room, and I knew
she was too. The fear. How it had crawled thick and menacing along
the walls and hung heavy in the air. Suffocating and pressing
down.

I could almost feel the little girl climbing into
bed beside me, the way Amber would bury her face in my side when I
wrapped her in my arms, could feel her shake as she cried. I could
almost hear myself whispering to her that it was going to be
okay.

I hugged my knees closer and looked away.

“I survived and you didn’t.” Amber’s presence beside
me was overwhelming, the urgency in her tone, even though the words
were said in no more than a whisper.

Forcing a smile, I turned back to her. “I’m still
alive, Amber.”

“Only part of you.” Her face was sad. I was sure
mine was too.

That small flame that had lived inside of me had
burned out that night—the night when the fantasy William had
painted and I’d been foolish enough to believe was shattered when
my
reality came crashing down. I’d been…nothing. Empty.
Dead. The only evidence my heart still beat had been the ache
William had left behind.

Only Jonathan had set it aflame. Now it smoldered
somewhere deep, kept hidden with the memories of the treasure I’d
let slip away.

“You were strong enough for us both.” Amber glanced
in Jonathan’s direction. His hair whipped around his face as his
younger cousin chased him. He laughed, stumbling through the sand
on unsure feet.

“Do you really think you’re going to be strong
enough for the both of you to make it through again?”

It wasn’t as if I didn’t know this. Understand it,
even. Every day, I imagined my escape. What it would be like to
finally be free. Every day, it seemed just a fantasy, just like
William holding me was every night. I knew something had to give.
Cracks only deepened, widened, and eventually buckled. One of
us
was going to fall.

I just prayed to God it wasn’t me.

“You have to do something, Maggie. I can’t watch you
live like this anymore.”

“It’s not that bad.” The words came naturally and
without thought.

Amber tilted her head and shook it sadly as if she
couldn’t believe I’d just said what I did.

She suddenly twisted her head around and rested her
chin on her shoulder.

“God, that guy is such a creep, isn’t he?”

I followed her line of sight to the black SUV parked
directly on the other side of the street.

That hidden flame burned, though my stomach clamped
in apprehension. My eyes flicked to Jonathan then back to him,
gauging William’s purpose.

I shouldn’t have been surprised he was here. Since
seeing him in front of Amber’s last night, I’d caught him following
me twice, once after dropping Jonathan off at kindergarten this
morning and again when I was leaving my mother’s house. Part of me
was terrified of his intentions, of what he may be planning, while
another part of me felt safer under his watch than I had in
years.

Amber was too young to really be able to remember
William, the years apart leaving them with no connection.

Just like me, William had become a rumor.

I stared back at him. Protective affection radiated
in his posture as his eyes left me to find my son.

An old comfort rose.

The same affection had been there in his unwavering
gaze when I’d walked into the restaurant on Thursday, even when
mine had fallen. It had been even stronger last night when I’d
stood in front of my sister’s house, again lost in William, staring
at what should have been.

“Apparently, he didn’t get the memo that it’s kind
of weird for a guy to just sit in his car alone and watch kids
playing in the park,” Amber said as if a joke, though the strain in
her voice belied her true unease. “Did you know he moved into his
brother’s guesthouse down the street on Friday? I’ve seen him a few
times, and he always just…stares.” She exaggerated a shudder.

I was unable to look away from William when I spoke.
“He’s a good man, Amber. You don’t need to be frightened of
him.”

I sensed the pause in my sister, the trip in her
thoughts.

“You know him?” Amber asked.

I glimpsed the confusion on her face.

William.

My secret, my heart.

The beautiful man I’d lain with for hours under the
stars, our lives poured out in a torrent of stories and words. The
way he held me while I shared the ones that hurt me the most. How
he touched me, the way he made me feel incredibly safe. How that
hold had escalated from safety to ecstasy as the soft pads of his
fingers would dance across my lips when he locked himself to me,
the perfect weight of his body, the expression on his face when he
came.

The heartbreak in his eyes when I told him
goodbye.

I knew it all.

“Yeah.” My voice was soft. “I know him.”

I waved from the driver’s seat of my van as Amber
pulled out onto the street, the tranquil spring day drawing to an
end. Our kids had played the entire afternoon while we watched over
them. I had savored the time. It felt amazing to see my son run and
soar on the swing on his belly, laughing uninhibited. For a few
short hours, he was free. I’d basked in the warmth of the new sun,
the cool breeze its perfect companion.

And I reveled in
him
. Even in the whirlwind
of emotions his reappearance incited in my life, William’s light
was inescapable.

He sat there for close to an hour, and I wondered if
he could feel it too.

Did I wrap him up in comfort, like a familiar
embrace? Did I stir him up, a welcomed chaos that stole his breath?
Did he feel himself just on the cusp, that churning intuition that
things were about to change?

Did it scare him, the way it scared me?

But God, I wanted it.

Fairytales had begun to knit themselves through my
heart and mind, ones that no longer seemed so distant, now only
just out of reach.

I looked back over the playground to its edge, to
where the trees grew tall and tangled. Our sanctuary was buried
just inside. I hadn’t been there in years. I’d gone once, seeking
refuge in its seclusion. Without him there, I’d never felt so
alone. In six years, I’d never gone back.

Now…

I shook my head from the dangerous thoughts and
glanced at my son in the rearview mirror.

I knew my judgment was skewed. I’d lived in step
with the fear, surrendering to its demands. I’d done it believing I
was protecting Jonathan and protecting myself. The hardest to
swallow was the reality that part of my reasoning was true, but our
situation was never going to change until I did something about
it.

Shifting the van into reverse, I slowly backed out
onto the street and headed to the house. Troy’s truck was parked in
the carport. I pulled in beside it and took the key from the
ignition.

During the short trip, Jonathan had fallen asleep in
his car seat after the long day of play, his head lolling to the
side. I smiled as I quietly unbuckled him and picked him up.

He felt so good in my arms, like everything that was
right. I nuzzled my nose into the hair that hung over his ear, his
breath thick on my neck.

That internal chaos quivered and rose.

I jerked to look behind me. Craning my head, I
squinted my eyes, scanning the empty street.

Comfort surged and wrapped me tight.

Shaking myself from it, I forced myself inside,
glancing once more over my shoulder before I shut the back door
behind me.

“Where the fuck have you been?” Troy demanded before
he tipped a can of beer to his mouth. I knew his tone, filled with
accusation and blame that was never mine, as if I were to blame for
how miserable he was inside. He sat at the table, shirtless, his
eyes scrutinizing as they looked me up and down.

“I was with Amber and the kids…at the park.” I
crossed the kitchen, hugging my son closer. I paused and looked
down at the man who had stolen my life. “I told you where we were
going.”

I wondered when I’d begun to think of him as weak,
just a sick, pathetic man, just like my father. I’d allowed him to
control me for so long, and he did it well. He always knew exactly
where to get me and exactly how to hold me.

His face twisted in a sneer, but he didn’t move.

He’d wait.

I turned away and left him there while I took
Jonathan to his room. As gently as I could, I pulled his shoes and
socks from his feet. He stretched and snuggled under the covers,
but the movement never broke into his sleep. Brushing back his
hair, I kissed him on the forehead. “I love you, my sweet boy.”

Then I stood and went to face what I knew waited for
me outside the room.

Walking into the kitchen, I went straight to the
sink and began washing the few dishes left there from this morning.
It bore down on me—the anger that had been bred into Troy by his
father. I fought the fear that had been bred into me by my own.

He approached like the stillness before the storm,
his words a perverted murmur near my ear. “I’ll kill you,
Maggie…I’ll find you, and this time, I’ll kill you.”

I pinched my eyes shut and bit my bottom lip to
suppress the cry I bottled in my throat.

My head spun and my stomach turned.

Maggie ~ Six Years Earlier

My heart was still thundering, and laughter still
danced on my tongue when I snuck into the darkened house. I leaned
back against the front door, trying to calm my pulse, trying to
slow my mind. Touching my lips with my fingertips, I smiled.

William loved me. Wanted me with him forever.
Sometimes I still couldn’t believe how my life had changed over the
summer.

At the bonfire for Blake and Grace two weeks before,
standing in front of Troy and telling him I didn’t want him and I
never had had been one of the most frightening things I’d ever
done. Never before had I stood up for myself. But I’d looked to
William for strength, to remember the way he made me feel as we
spent those long hours alone in the woods.

I hadn’t expected Troy’s reaction and was shocked by
William’s. It had all been as if in slow motion, the fists, the
blood. All I could think was I would never forgive myself if
something happened to William because of me.

It was then I finally admitted it to myself.

I was in love with him.

The second Justin had dropped me off at the front of
my house, still shaking but promising him I was fine, I rushed to
our spot. William never came.

I’d paced, every worry I could have had twisting its
way through my heart and mind, William was hurt…William was
angry…William finally realized I wasn’t worth all the trouble.

When I could take it no longer, I found the hidden
key Mrs. Marsch had shown me under a pot on their back porch and
slipped in the back door. I’d known I was crossing a line, acting
completely out of character, but William made me forget who I
was.

I told myself I’d go to be sure he wasn’t hurt,
never anticipating the heartbreak I felt when I entered his room
and found that he just hadn’t come.

Not once in three months had he not, until that
night. Rejection had poured from me as a grieved accusation.

Then he’d uttered the words and told me he loved me,
and for the first time in my life, I felt worthy of it.

It was everything I’d ever wanted. Someone who
really loved me. I knew I was naïve, but I was wise enough to know
this wasn’t just a reaction or a desperate appeal for
affection.

I loved him.

Giving
myself to him—I shook my head because
I still didn’t understand it—I guess I thought it would be some
sort of sacrifice for the one I loved. Or maybe I’d been looking to
build a memory, something to hang onto once he was gone. What I
never could have imagined was the way he would feel, like life and
joy. Above it all, there’d been no shame.

I looked around the tattered living room I’d grown
up in, completely dark save for the faint slivers of moonlight
leaking in through the windows.

There’d only be one thing I would miss.

Creeping upstairs, I let myself into my childhood
room. Amber slept buried beneath the covers in her tiny twin
bed.

On a heavy sigh, my gaze wandered over the bump
where my little sister lay. I couldn’t imagine leaving her in this
place. I crossed the room and crawled into bed with her.

For so many years, it had been the other way
around.

I wrapped her in my arms. In her sleep, Amber
tensed, before she relaxed into my hold. I lay awake, thinking of
William’s words. It was time I did what was right for me, even
though I knew my leaving was going to hurt my mom and devastate my
sister.

I hugged Amber closer and whispered, “I’m so
sorry.”

But there was no way I could live without
William.

~

Twilight approached. The humidity was still present,
but the air wasn’t nearly as muggy as it had been just a couple of
short weeks ago.