You Know You Love Me (10 page)

was unbelievably bad. Vanessa suffered in silence, wondering what she was going to do
without a Natasha. For a moment she imagined buying a wig and playing the part herself,
getting someone else to shoot it for her. But it was her project; she had to film it. Just
then, someone nudged her arm and whispered, Do you mind if I try when shes done? Vanessa
turned to find Serena van der Woodsen standing beside her, a little breathless from
running across the park. Her cheeks were flushed and her eyes were as dark as the twilit
sky. Serena was her Natasha, if ever there was one. Daniel bolted upright, forgetting his
injuries and his line. The crack pipe rolled to the ground. Wait, were not done, Marjorie
said. She prodded Dan in the arm. Youre supposed to kiss my hand. Dan stared at her
blankly. Sure, Vanessa told Serena. Marjorie, do you mind giving Serena your script?
Serena and Marjorie traded places. Dan had his eyes open now. He didnt dare blink. They
began to read. I have been looking at you for a long time, Dan said, meaning every word.
Serena knelt down beside him and took his hand. Dan felt faint, and he was grateful he was
lying down. Whoa. Easy boy. He had been in lots of plays, but he had never felt that thing
called chemistry before with anyone. And to be feeling it with Serena van der Woodsen was
like dying an exquisite death. It felt like he and Serena were sharing the same breath. He
was inhale and she was exhale. He was quiet and still, while she exploded around him like
fireworks. Serena was enjoying herself too. The script was beautiful and passionate, and
this scruffy Dan guy was a really good actor. I could get into this, she thought with a
little thrill. She had never really thought about what she wanted to do with her life, but
maybe acting was her thing. They kept reading beyond the given stopping point. It was as
though theyd forgotten they were acting. Vanessa frowned. Serena was greatthey were great
togetherbut Dan was swooning. It was totally nauseating. Boys are so predictable, Vanessa
thought and cleared her throat noisily. Thanks, Serena. Thanks, Dan. She pretended to
scribble comments in her notebook. Ill let you know tomorrow, okay? she

told Serena. In your dreams, she wrote. That was fun! Serena said, smiling at Dan. Dan
gazed up at her dreamily from the bench, still hungover from the moment. Marjorie, Ill let
you know tomorrow, too. Okay? Vanessa told the redhead. Kay, Marjorie said. Thanks. Dan
sat up, blinking. Thanks so much for letting me try out, Serena said sweetly, turning to
go. See you later, Dan said, sounding drugged. Bye, Marjorie said, waving at him, and then
rushing after Serena. Lets practice your monologue, Dan, Vanessa said sharply. I want to
shoot that first.

Which subway are you taking? Marjorie asked Serena, as they walked out of the park. Um,
Serena said. She never took the subway, but it wouldnt kill her to ride with Marjorie. The
6, I guess, she said.

Hey, me too, Marjorie said happily. We can ride together. It was rush hour, and the subway
was packed. Serena found herself jammed between a woman with a huge Daffys bag and a fat
little boy with nothing to hold onto but Serenas coat, which he kept grabbing every time
the train lurched forward. Marjorie was holding onto the rail above their heads, but only
her fingertips could reach it, and she kept staggering backwards, stepping on peoples
feet. Dont you think Dan is majorly cute? Marjorie asked Serena. I cant wait until we
start filming. Ill get to hang out with him every day! Serena smiled. Obviously Marjorie
thought shed gotten the part, which was a little sad, because Serena was absolutely sure
that she had the part. She had totally nailed it. Serena imagined getting to know Dan. She
wondered which school he went to. He had dark, haunting eyes, and he said his lines like
he meant them. She liked that. Theyd have to practice quite a bit together after school.
She wondered if he liked to go out, and what he liked to drink. The train came to a sudden
stop at Fifty-ninth Street and Lexington Bloomingdales. Serena fell forward onto the
little boy. Ouch, he said, glaring up at her. This is my stop, Marjorie said, pushing her
way to the door. Sorry if you didnt get the part. Ill see you at school tomorrow. Good
luck! Serena called. The subway car emptied out and she slid into a seat, her mind still
on Dan.

She imagined drinking Irish coffees with him in dark cafŽs and discussing Russian
literature. Dan looked like he read a lot. He could give her books to read and help her
with her acting. Maybe theyd even become friends. She could use some new ones.

Disclaimer: All the real names of places, people, and events have been altered or
abbreviated to protect the innocent. Namely, me. hey people! I was in an interschool play
once. I had one great line: Iceberg! Guess which play I was in and what I was dressed as?
The one hundredth person to get it right will win a free Remi brothers poster. But enough
about me.

SS MODELING DEBUT!

Be on the lookout this weekend for the cool new poster decorating the sides of buses, the
insides of subways, the tops of taxis, and available online through yours truly (Im
telling you, Im connected). Its a great big picture of Snot her face, but it has her name
on it so youll know its her. Congratulations to S on her modeling debut! Sightings

B , K , and I all in 3 Guys eating fries and hot chocolates with big fat Intermix bags
under the table. Dont those girls have anywhere else to go? And we thought they were
always out boozing it up and partying down. So disappointing. I did see B slip a few
splashes of brandy into her hot chocolate, though. Good girl. Also saw that same wigged
girl going into the STD clinic downtown. If that is S , shes definitely got a bad case of
the nasties. Oh, and in case youre wondering why I frequent the neighborhood of the STD
clinicI get my hair cut at a very trendy salon across the street.

Your E-mail

dear gossip girl, are u really even a girl? u seem like the type 2 pretend to be a girl
when ur really a 50-yrs-old bored journalist with nothing better 2 do than to harsh on
kids like me. loser. jdwack

Dearest Jdwack, Im the girliest girl youd ever want to meet. And Im pre-college,
pre-voting age, too. How do I know youre not some fifty-year-old bitter dude with boils on
your face taking his inner angst out on innocent girls like me?GG

Dear GG, I loooove your column so much I showed it to my Dad, who totally loved it!! He
has friends who work at Paper and the Village Voice and other magazines. Dont be surprised
if your column gets much, much bigger!! I hope you dont mind!!! Love always!!! JNYHY

Mind? No way. Im all about being big. Im going to be huge. No more crappy one-line parts
in interschool plays for me. You might

even see me on the side of a bus sometime soon. Bring it on! You know you love me,

Yum, Serena said, eyeing the cookies laid out on a table in the Constance lunchroom.
Peanut butter cream, chocolate chip, oatmeal. Next to the cookies were plastic cups full
of orange juice or milk. A lunch lady was monitoring the cookies, making sure each girl
took only two. This was recess, the daily twenty-minute break Constance gave its girls
after second period, no matter what grade they were in.

When the lunch ladys head was turned, Serena grabbed six peanut butter creams and glided
away to stuff her face. It wasnt exactly a healthy breakfast, but it would have to do.
Shed stayed up late the night before trying to read her fathers leather-bound edition of
War and Peace so shed be better prepared for Vanessas film.

Whoa, War and Peace is like, two million pages long. Ever heard of CliffsNotes? Serena saw
Vanessa, wearing her usual black turtleneck and bored expression, coming out of the
cafeteria kitchen with a cup of tea in her hand. Serena waved a cookie at her, and Vanessa
came over. Hi, Serena said cheerfully. Made up your mind yet?

Vanessa sipped her tea. Shed been up half the night trying to decide between Serena and
Marjorie for the part. But she couldnt get the look on Dans face when he read with Serena
out of her head. And no matter how good Serena was, she never wanted to see that look on
Dans face again. She certainly didnt want to capture it on film. Actually, yes. I havent
told Marjorie yet, Vanessa said calmly, but Im giving her the part. Serena dropped the
cookie she was eating on the floor, stunned. Oh, she said. Yeah, said Vanessa, scrambling
for a decent reason why she was using Marjorie when Serena was obviously perfect for the
part. Marjories really rough and innocent. Thats what Im looking for. Dan and I thought
your performance was just a bit too . . . um . . . polished. Oh, Serena said again. She
could hardly believe it. Even Dan had vetoed her? She had thought they were going to be
friends. Sorry, Vanessa said, feeling slightly bad. She knew she shouldnt have brought Dan
into it; he didnt even know she was turning Serena down. But it sounded more professional
that way. Like it wasnt anything she had against Serena personally, not at all. It was
strictly a business decision. Youre a good actress though, she added. Dont be discouraged.

Thanks, Serena said. Now she wasnt going to hang out with Dan and practice their lines
like shed imagined. And what was she going to tell Ms. Glos? She still didnt have any
extracurriculars, and no halfway decent college was going to want her.

Vanessa walked away, looking for Marjorie so she could tell her the good news. She was
going to have to change the entire film now that Marjorie was her star. It would have to
be a comedy. But at least she had saved herself from making Endless Love in the Park After
Dark, starring Serena van der Woodsen and Daniel Humphrey. Blech.

Serena stood in the corner of the cafeteria, the remaining cookies crumbling in her hand.
Gone With the Wind was a total cheese-fest, and she was too polished for War and Peace.
What else could she do? She chewed on her thumbnail, deep in thought.

Maybe she could make a movie of her own. Blair took filmshe could help. When they were
younger theyd always talked about making movies. Blair was always going to be the star,
wearing cool Givenchy outfits like Audrey Hepburn, except Blair preferred Fendi. And
Serena always wanted to direct. She would wear floppy linen pants and shout through a
bullhorn and sit in a chair with the word director on it.

This was their chance. Blair, Serena nearly shouted when she saw Blair by the milk table.
She rushed over to her, overcome by the brilliance of her idea. I need your help, Serena
said, squeezing Blairs arm. Blair kept her body stiff until Serena let go. Sorry, Serena
said. Listen, I want to make a movie, and I thought you could help me, you know, with the
cameras and stuff, since you take film. Blair glanced at Kati and Isabel, who were quietly
sipping milk behind her. Then she smiled up at Serena, and shook her head. Sorry, I cant,
she said. Ive got activities every single day after school. I dont have time. Oh, come on,
Blair, Serena said, grabbing Blairs hand. Remember, we always wanted to do this. You
wanted to be Audrey Hepburn. Blair removed her hand and folded her arms across her chest,
glancing at Isabel and Kati again. Dont worry, Ill do all the work, Serena added hastily.
All you have to do is show me how to use the camera and the lighting and stuff. I cant,
Blair insisted. Sorry. Serena pursed her lips to keep them from trembling. Her eyes seemed
to be growing larger and larger, and her face was turning

splotchy. Blair had seen this transformation in Serena many times as they grew up
together. Once, when they were both eight, they had walked the three miles from Serenas
country house into the town of Ridgefield to buy ice cream cones. Serena stepped out of
the ice cream shop with her triple strawberry cone with chocolate sprinkles and bent down
to pet a dog tied up outside. All three scoops fell splat into the dirt. Serenas eyes had
grown huge and her face looked like she had the measles. The tears had just started to
roll, and Blair was about to offer to share her cone with Serena, when the shop owner came
out with a fresh cone for her. Seeing Serena on the verge of tears once more touched
something deep inside of Blair, like an involuntary impulse. Um. But were going out on
Friday, she told Serena. Drinks around eight at the Tribeca Star, if you want to come.
Serena took a deep breath and nodded. Just like old times, she said, staving off her tears
and attempting a smile. Right, Blair said. She made a note in her mental PalmPilot to tell
Nate not to come out on Friday now that Serena was coming. Blairs new plan was to knock
back a few drinks with Serena at the Tribeca Star, leave early, go home, fill her room
with candles, take a bath, and wait for Nate to come. And then theyd have sex all night
long to romantic music. Shed already burned a sexy CD to play while they did it. Even the
best-bred girls resort to cheesy things like burning CD mixes when theyre losing their
virginity. The bell rang and the girls went their separate ways to class; Blair to her AP
Academic-Achievers afternoon, and Serena to her plain old Kraft-American-Slices classes.
Serena couldnt believe she had just been rejected not once but twice in the last ten
minutes. And as she gathered her books from her locker, she tried to come up with a new
plan of action. She wasnt going to give up. Her picture wasnt on the side of a bus for
nothing.

Vanessa skipped the first five minutes of Calculus to call Daniel on his cell phone. She
knew he had Study Hall fourth period on Thursdays, and he was probably hanging out
outside, reading poetry and smoking cigarettes. A girl was using Constances pay phone in
the hallway by the stairs, so Vanessa slipped outside to the pay phone on the corner of
Ninety-third Street and Madison.

The lower-school boys were playing dodgeball in the Riverside Prep School courtyard, so
when his cell phone rang, Dan was sitting on a park bench in the traffic island in the
middle of Broadway. Hed just

cracked open LEtranger, by Albert Camus, which he was reading in French class that term.
Dan was psyched. Hed already read the English translation, but it felt especially cool to
read the French original, especially while sitting outside drinking bad coffee and smoking
a cigarette in the middle of noisy, smelly Broadway. It was very hard-core. As people
walked past in a hurry to get somewhere, Dan felt aloof and removed from the chaos of
everyday life, just like the guy in the book.

Dan had dark circles under his eyes because he hadnt been able to sleep the night before.
All he could think about was Serena van der Woodsen. They were starring in a movie
together. They were even going to kiss. It was too good to be true.

Poor dude, he had that right. His cell phone was still ringing. Yeah? Dan said, answering
it. Hey. Its Vanessa. Hey. Listen, I have to make it quick. I just wanted you to know that
I told Marjorie she has the part, Vanessa said quickly. You mean Serena, Dan said,
flicking his ash and taking another puff of his cigarette. No, I mean Marjorie. Dan
exhaled and clenched the phone tightly. Wait. What are you talking about? Marjorie, with
the red hair and the gum? Yes, thats right. I havent got their names mixed up, Vanessa
said patiently. But Marjorie stank, you cant use her! Dan insisted. Yeah, well, I kind of
like that she stank. Shes sort of rough around the edges. I think it will make it feel
edgier, you know? Like, not what youd expect, said Vanessa. Yeah, definitely not, Dan
sneered. Look, I really think this is a mistake. Serena totally ruled. I dont know why you
wouldnt want her. She was awesome. Yeah, well, Im the director, so its my choice. And I
chose Marjorie. Okay? Vanessa really didnt want to hear about how awesome Serena had been.
Besides, I keep hearing all these stories about Serena. I dont think shes all that
reliable. Vanessa was pretty sure that everything shed heard was completely bogus, but it
couldnt hurt to mention it to Dan. What do you mean? Dan said. What kind of stories? Like
she manufactures her own drug called S, and she has some pretty bad STDs, Vanessa said. I
really dont want to deal with that. Whered you hear that? Dan said.

I have my sources, she said. A bus roared up Madison on its way to the Cloisters. On the
side of it was a massive photograph of a belly button. Or was it a gunshot wound? Scrawled
in blue girly writing on the side of the poster was the name Serena. Vanessa stared after
the bus. Was she losing her mind? Or was Serena really and truly everywhere? Every last
bit of her? I just dont think shes right for us, Vanessa said, hoping Dan would come
around if she used the word us. It was their movie, not hers. Fine, Dan said coldly. So,
are you coming out with me and Ruby in Brooklyn on Friday? Vanessa asked, eager to change
the subject. Nah. I dont think so, Dan said. See ya. He clicked off and tossed the phone
angrily into his black courier bag. That morning his sister Jenny had stumbled into his
room, her eyes all bloodshot and her hands covered in black ink, and dropped an invitation
to that stupid falcon party on the floor beside his bed. Hed actually dared to think that
since he was going to be Serenas costar, he might actually take her to the goddamned
party. Now, that little dream was all shot to hell. Dan couldnt believe it. His one chance
to get to know Serena was gone because Vanessa wanted to exercise her artistic license to
make the worst film ever made. It was unbelievable. More unbelievable still was that
Vanessa, queen of the alterna-rebel scene, had actually stooped to spreading rumors about
a girl she barely knew. Maybe Constance was finally rubbing off on her. Oh, dont be a
spoilsport. Gossip is sexy. Gossip is good. Not everybody does it, but everybody should! A
bus stopped at a light right in front of him. First Dan noticed Serenas name. It was
scrawled in blue, in messy girls handwriting on a giant black-and-white poster of what
looked like a rosebud. It was beautiful.