Addicted to Him (26 page)

“That’s so exciting. Are you going to do her room all in pink?” I ask.

“I thought you might want to come with us,” Lisa says.

I hate disappointing her but I was up all night thinking about the mean text I sent to Seth and I want to drive over and apologize. I don’t want last night coming between us. “I have a research paper I really need to get started on. I’m sorry,” I say, hating myself for lying but wanting to spare her feelings.

“You are coming to the shower, right?”

“Of course, I wouldn’t miss it for the world.” It is unbelievable how fast this pregnancy has gone. I keep forgetting that Lisa was practically four months pregnant before she even found out because she was so used to having irregular periods. This baby is going to be here in just three months. Part of me is terrified that no matter what my parents say, they won’t have room in their hearts for me anymore, but the other part is so excited about that little pink bundle of joy to love and cherish. I want so many things for this baby, but most of all, I don’t ever want her to doubt that she is loved, not for one second of her life.

“Oh, okay. That reminds me, we got your mid-terms. Straight A’s, very impressive,” Lisa boasts.

“That’s my girl,” Dad bellows, wrapping his arms around my shoulders.

I should be glowing from their compliments. Chastity never noticed anything good I did unless it pissed her off then she would just punish me for it. Their compliments touch my mouth, forcing the corners of my mouth to smile, but I don’t let them penetrate me any further because deep down I’m still a fraud. Parading around like my life is so great now when I’m really still just a mess on the inside.

Dad and Lisa get ready then head out, leaving me alone in the house. I shower and slip on jeans and a cashmere sweater because the summer finally seems to have abandoned us for good. I blow dry my hair and swipe on a quick coat of mascara and lip gloss.

I slide into the SUV that Dad and Lisa have insisted I think of as my car and head toward Seth’s. I don’t have a clue what I will say to him. I only hope that he is as remorseful as I am about last night.

I pull into the parking lot of his apartment complex, happy when I see his car parked in the same spot as last night. There are no spots close to his apartment empty so I have to park a few spots away. I lock my car and head toward his apartment. I’m hoping we can just forget about last night and spend the entire day together.

I bound up the stairs to his third floor apartment and knock softly on the door. It’s still pretty early and I don’t want to make any enemies out of his neighbors by waking the whole apartment complex. I wait a few minutes then tap a little louder but still get no response. I pull out my phone and dial his cell only to have it roll directly to voice mail. I knock one last time hoping to rouse him from his sleep to no avail.

Defeated, I walk back to my car and decide to wait him out. He can’t sleep all day and I don’t want another day to pass with us not making up. I get comfortable in my front seat and catch up on my Facebook newsfeed trying to pass the time. Periodically I dial Seth’s number to see if he has turned on his phone yet but it still rolls to voice mail.

I’m about to try calling Wade when something catches my eye. It’s a girl with long brown hair walking down the sidewalk toward me. Her clothes look wrinkled, her mascara smudged, and she is carrying her shoes. She’s wearing a huge grin and has walk of shame written all over her. She pauses in front of a red compact car and turns back toward the apartments. I follow her eyes to a third floor window. I watch the curtains get drawn back and see a hand wave to her. Happy, she gets into her car and speeds away.

My stomach drops as I realize that the hand and the window belong to Seth. My hands start to shake and I feel like I might throw up the waffle I ate for breakfast. My phone chimes with an incoming text and I grab it up, knowing exactly who it’s from.

I want to see you
.

I bolt up to his apartment, not knowing what I’m going to say. This can’t be real. Maybe Seth had a friend staying over and his friend was the one who hooked up. It couldn’t have been his hand or his window. I haven’t just been sitting outside waiting for him while he was inside banging some random chick. He loves me, he wouldn’t do that to me. I bang on the door, not caring who I wake up.

Seth flings the door open, looking happy and well rested. I want to punch him right in the nuts. What he doesn’t look is surprised. He never once glances behind me to make sure that the other girl is gone. He looks at me with such love that it turns what I just saw with my own eyes into a mirage.

“I’m so sorry about last night. Is your hand okay?” he asks, grabbing for my hand.

I step back out of his reach, not wanting to feel the same hands on me that were just on her. “Why isn’t your phone on?”

“It was dead. I just plugged it in when I texted you. Come on in, I’m just going to jump in the shower.”

Cautiously, I step inside. It’s almost like I’m expecting her to jump out from behind the door even though I just saw her leave with my own eyes. I survey the apartment, searching for any clue that she was here. Everything looks exactly the same as it did when I stormed out last night. I must be crazy. Seth couldn’t do something like this to me. He moves to kiss me but I jump back. “Your breath is toxic,” I say, buying myself some time.

“I’ll take care of that then I’m going to take care of you,” he says seductively, but instead of turning my insides to jelly, like he usually does, I just feel sick. I wonder how many other naïve girls he has said those same exact words to.

“I’ll be here,” I say, throwing him a look that I know he’ll misinterpret as lust. He rushes off toward his bathroom and I stay rooted to the floor until I hear the water. Once the shower starts I rush around the apartment like a mad woman searching for any evidence of another woman.

I start at his futon, bending down to smell the wrinkled sheets. Seth’s musky scent fills my nostrils and my body betrays me by instantly getting turned on. I spot his phone plugged into an outlet and pick it up. The screen says it is only 8% charged which backs up his claim of it being dead. The only empty glass sitting on the coffee table is not ringed in lipstick and contains an inch of watered down tea, Seth’s drink of choice. I pick it up and carry it in to the kitchen sink, knowing that there is no evidence to be found. Unless I ask Seth, I’m never going to know. And there is no way I’m going to ask because deep down I don’t really want to know.

I carry the glass into the kitchen and set it down in the sink. A few slivers of glass are still near the drain. Carefully, I pick them up and carry them to the trash. I’m just about to drop them in the garbage can when something stops me. Resting on top of a discarded Ramen noodle package is a used condom. My heart plunges and I drop the glass on the floor. I keep staring at the repulsive piece of latex filled with a part of Seth that I thought belonged to only me.

“Is everything okay?” Seth asks from behind me. I spin around to find him dressed in only a towel with beads of water dripping from the ends of his curls and running down his chest.

“I thought you loved me,” I hear myself say. Seth’s eyes flicker toward the garbage can, realizing my discovery.

“I do love you, Cassidy. I don’t know what I was thinking. I’ve never cheated on you before, I swear. I’m sorry, baby.” He forces his hands through his soaked hair and it’s the first time I can remember seeing him look despondent.

“I could never be with someone else,” I whisper, still trying to comprehend how he could even want another person like that.

“I was just so mad last night after you sent that text.” He tries to touch me but I pull away.

“Are you saying that this is my fault?” I yell. Not only was he intimate with another girl but now he’s going to blame it on me.

“You shouldn’t have said that,” he tells me angrily.

“You shouldn’t have fucked that whore,” I counter.

His temper flares in his fiery green eyes. He’s not used to me talking back but I don’t care. I’m not going to sit here and take the blame for him cheating on me.

“Let’s just start over,” he suggests.

“Sure,” I agree. “Just as soon as I go fuck some other guy. I’ll be right back.” I prepare to storm off but the power of Seth’s palm connecting with my cheek stops me cold in my tracks. He doesn’t stop with a slap. Before I can even react he has me pressed up against the refrigerator with a wild look in his eyes.

“If you ever let another guy touch you, I’ll fucking kill you,” he says, forcing my shoulders against the cool steel. He has said this before, but this is the first time that I actually believe him.

I know how to calm him down and I could easily give him the answers he wants but something inside me just won’t let me betray myself like that, even if it means risking my safety. “So you can shit on everything we have by bedding some whore and I’m just supposed to stand by and not care even though it’s killing me?” I sob.

My sobs seem to jolt him back into the present. He seems to understand the gravity of what he’s done to us. He drops to his knees and buries his face into my waist.

“Please don’t leave me, Cassidy. I won’t ever do anything to hurt you again,” he pleads, his words hollow to my ears. The balance of power has shifted again and I know that I should walk away but I can’t just turn off the way I feel about him, no matter how much I want to.

“I’ve already spent so much of my life being unhappy. We aren’t good for each other, Seth.”

He looks up at me with wet eyes that nearly split my heart in two. I never thought it was possible to love someone so much and I probably would have stayed forever. I would have suffered his mood swings and abusive behavior but I can’t compete with another girl, even if she was just a fling. I can’t live my life worrying about him getting revenge every time I upset him.

He gets to his feet, his eyes still locked on mine. He kisses me desperately, moving his tongue inside my mouth hungrily, trying to get me back. My body immediately responds, always a traitor were Seth is concerned. I fall into his arms and let him carry me to the futon where the other girl was just minutes ago. He sets me down gently, his eyes still watering.

He urgently undresses me, obviously hoping that this is going to be more than just a good-bye. He drops his towel and I lean back and spread my legs for him, welcoming him into me one last time. Tears run down my face as he enters me, wondering how something so toxic can be so exhilarating.

We rock together for the longest time, each of us not wanting it to end.

“I really do love you, Cassidy,” he says tenderly, wiping away my tears.

“I love you too, Seth,” I say, knowing that giving him up will be the hardest thing I will ever do. I pull him into me one last time knowing he won’t be able to hold back anymore. He groans with pleasure at his release. I keep my arms wrapped around him, knowing that a release won’t come for me. It was more than just Seth’s body that I connected with that allowed me to experience such intense orgasms with him. I knew the second that I saw the used condom that the connection I felt with him was gone. I just had to prove it to myself one last time.

I let go of Seth for the last time and he reluctantly rolls off me. I stand up, gather my clothes, and go to the bathroom to clean up. When I come out, he’s pacing the kitchen wearing the towel again.

“I have to go,” I say, moving toward the door. He rushes to block it, his face full of terror realizing that this truly is the end.

“I won’t let you go,” he says angrily but he sounds like a lost little boy instead of a possessive boyfriend.

“Yes, you will, because you love me,” I remind him.

I touch his face for the very last time as I ease the door open behind him. He grabs my arm but then just as quickly lets go of it. I bolt down the stairs and to my car before I lose my nerve and fall back into his arms forever.

I drive away, knowing that he is watching me from the same window that he just waved to the other girl from.

I sob the entire way home wondering if I will ever love anyone as much as I love Seth. I worry that I won’t be strong enough to stay away from him. I worry that I’ll give in to the cravings. I almost turn my car around and rush back into his arms. Instead, I pull off to the side of the road and dial Wade’s phone number. I say a silent prayer that Chastity and Phil stick to our unspoken agreement about not answering the phone if they see it’s me calling. They’ve obeyed the last few months so I think there is hope. I’m sure they both live in fear that someday I’ll spill the beans and everyone in my hometown will find out what Phil did.

“Hi, sissy,” Wade’s adorable voice cries out.

“I miss you, Wade,” I tell him, trying to disguise my tears.

“Miss you too, sis. I just got this awesome new Lego set. It was my reward for getting a hundred on my spelling test.”

“That’s awesome, buddy. I’m so proud of you for keeping your grades up.”

“Mom helps me study sometimes. She even packs my lunch now.”

The happiness in Wade’s voice pushes back all the doubt I have about rushing back into Seth’s arms. I did the right thing by moving to Colorado. It saved me, and in the end, it might end up making Chastity a better mom to Wade. Standing up to Seth was the right thing too, no matter how hard it might end up proving to be.

I listen to Wade chatter on about who his best friend is this week, how his favorite baseball team is doing, and how he is the tallest one in his whole class. After a few minutes, I lose his attention span to his Lego’s. He tells me how much he misses me and I can actually feel my heart start to be repaired from the damage Seth did earlier.

I pull back onto the highway and head home, knowing once and for all that I made the right decision moving here even if it didn’t work out exactly like I had planned. My life is here now, whether or not that life includes Seth. I’ll be forever grateful to him for giving me the strength to face Phil and Chastity, but I can’t trade their abuse for his. I deserve to have people who love me. I don’t deserve to live my life in fear of saying or doing the wrong thing.