Addicted to Him (27 page)

I’m worth more than that, even if people like Chastity, Phil, and Seth don’t think so. I love myself too much to live through another toxic relationship. Someday I’ll find someone who loves me more than Seth does. I won’t have to worry about getting hit, or making him mad, and I definitely won’t have to worry about any other girls.

In the meantime, I need to take care of myself for a change.

Chapter Nineteen

“She’s just the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen,” I exclaim, looking down at the tiny bundle in my arms. My little sister is finally here after what felt like forever. I gaze down at her perfect little rosebud of a mouth yawning tiredly.

“There’s a problem,” Dad says from his seat next to Lisa’s hospital bed.

“Something’s wrong? What’s wrong with her?” I panic, clutching her protectively trying to fight off any invisible monsters threatening her.

“Martin, for God’s sake, you scared the life out of her. Nothing’s wrong with the baby, Cassidy. The problem is that we can’t agree on a name for her,” Lisa explains, looking exhausted after thirty-six hours of labor.

“Thank God, I thought it was something bad,” I say, breathing a sigh of relief. I look down at her cherubic pink face and the perfect name comes to my mind but I keep it to myself.

“Sorry I scared you, hon, but we would be honored if you would name her for us.”

I look up at them in shock, thinking that they can’t possibly be serious. How could Lisa trust me enough to name the child she has longed for her entire life?

Her kind eyes somehow soothe my fear enough to let the name slip from my lips, “Hope.”

Lisa gasps and her eyes fill with tears. “It’s absolutely perfect,” she sobs.

“It really is,” Dad agrees, hugging Lisa.

“I’m your big sister and I’m going to take really good care of you,” I whisper to the perfect sleeping bundle. I lift her up to my lips and kiss her chubby cheek then place her safely back into Lisa’s waiting arms but not before Lisa kisses my cheek.

“Two perfect daughters. We are so blessed,” Lisa says, looking to Dad. He smiles over at me as my heart soars knowing I’m finally exactly where I belong.

****

The bell rings signaling the beginning of Christmas break. I’m excited about spending the next two weeks with my new baby sister. I linger at my locker watching everyone flit about sharing holiday plans. I button my coat and wrap my scarf around my neck anticipating the same biting wind that blew me through the school doors this morning. I shut my locker and head out, knowing that no one will be stopping by my locker asking what my holiday plans are. I’m almost to the exit doors when I hear someone calling my name. I turn around to see a familiar face heading toward me.

“Hi, Andrew,” I say, recognizing the handsome senior that sits behind me in English lit. I’m a little shocked that he even knows my name. He’s always polite and says hi when I sit down but that is about the most interaction we’ve ever had.

He jogs to a stop in front of me, looking flustered. His shaggy brown hair frames kind, sweet- tea-colored eyes and a baby face. He hasn’t quite grown into his handsomeness yet but I have a feeling he will turn some heads at college next fall. He leans his hand on the door jam, trying to appear relaxed. I hold back a giggle when I realize that he wants to ask me out but he’s nervous. It has been so long since anything like this happened to me that I almost didn’t recognize the tell tale signs.

“Are you going anywhere for break?” I ask him finally as he just stares at me nervously.

“Just to my Grandma’s in Loveland for Christmas Day but after that I’ll be back.”

“That sounds nice.”

“Listen,” he forces out suddenly. “I heard you’re dating some older dude but I thought you might want to go to dinner sometime.”

“No,” I blurt out uncontrollably.

“That’s cool. Okay, so you have a great break,” he says, looking like he wants to crawl in a hole and die. He starts to walk away and I grab his arm.

“I meant, no, I’m not seeing anyone. I’d love to go to dinner,” I explain.

Andrew’s adorable face bursts into a huge grin. We exchange cell phone numbers and go on our way. I fight the biting wind all the way to my car, smiling the entire way. When I get home and pull into the driveway, I realize that I haven’t thought about Seth for almost fifteen whole minutes for the first time since I met him.

****

It’s been three months since Seth touched me for the last time. In the beginning, I would see him stalking me at school and even driving by the house in the middle of the night. Somehow I could sense anytime he was near. He never approached me, never begged me to take him back, which was lucky for me as my resolve crumbled a little more every time he was near. Dad and Lisa never questioned his disappearance.

I have dreams about being with him again. I wake up and thirst for him, feeling like nothing will quench it but to have him inside me again. But then I remember that with the pleasure came pain. Sometimes I feel like I might never experience the intensity I had with Seth with anyone ever again, and I wonder if I can live a life like that. Then I look at Hope and know that I would never want her to devalue herself by being in an abusive relationship and that I should value myself as much as I value her.

I wonder sometimes if the sex between us was so hot because of the volatility of our relationship. I might never experience passion like that again but I also don’t want to feel the sting of a guy’s palm across my cheek again either.

I finish dressing, carefully applying a full face of makeup, and doing my hair for the first time in months. I realize that I really want to look good for Andrew. Even if we don’t end up as anything more than friends it will be good for me to go out with someone new and take my mind off what I can’t have.

I hear the doorbell ring and grab my coat and purse and head downstairs. Dad and Lisa are introducing Andrew to Hope as I come down the stairs. He delicately touches the pad of one of his giant fingers to her tiny cheek and she coos her approval. Andrew smiles up at me and a strange feeling almost buckles my knees. I ignore it and continue down the stairs.

“I’ll take good care of your big girl, Mr. Lawson,” Andrew says, helping me put my coat on.

“You kids have fun but be careful out there. It’s supposed to snow later,” Dad says pleasantly but I catch him looking Andrew up and down.

I elbow his arm and smile when he looks at me, knowing he’s busted. It makes me feel good knowing that he cares though.

“I won’t be out late,” I announce, kissing Hope’s cheek then heading out the door with Andrew.

He holds onto my arm tightly as we make our way down the slippery walk. He opens the car door for me and tucks me and my coat in before shutting the door. He slowly makes his way back to the driver’s side and hops in. He starts the car and the radio comes blaring out, scaring me half to death. He reaches over and shuts it off quickly.

“Sorry about that. I was pretty nervous coming over here so I was trying to get pumped up,” he admits, making me giggle.

“Why were you so nervous?” I ask.

“Are you kidding?” he asks, running his hands through his shaggy hair. “Look at you. You’re beautiful and smart and I just can’t believe you’re sitting in my car.”

“Thank you,” I blush. His words make the last three months worth living through. Even if Andrew and I don’t make a romantic connection, he sees something in me that is worth taking time out of his life to explore. That means there is hope that someday I’ll find someone who will love me the way I deserve to be loved. I lean over and kiss his cheek, catching him off-guard.

“I don’t know what I did to deserve that but I plan to do more of it before the night is over,” he chuckles, backing carefully out of the driveway.

Dad and Lisa are standing at the front window holding Hope up. Dad’s moves her tiny fist back and forth in a wave. I wave back, feeling content for the first time in my life.

“Do you like Italian food?” Andrew asks politely.

“That sounds wonderful.”

We chat amicably on our way to a local restaurant that Andrew swears has the best breadsticks on the planet. I knew he was smart by the answers he gave in class but I’m surprised to find out that he has a wide variety of interests. We touch on our families and school subjects and are already discussing our favorite books when we pull into the parking lot of the restaurant. As soon as I see the sign I remember Seth bragging to me that it was his favorite restaurant but for some reason we never got a chance to go together. I shake off the thought, feeling disloyal to Andrew who is being such a dashing host.

He rushes around to my side of the car and helps me out. I put my arm through his and walk to the entrance of the restaurant, not hating the feeling of his solid warm body against the side of mine.

The entrance is filled with other couples craving a warm bowl of pasta on a cold night and I realize that we may be in for a wait. I hear Andrew give his name to a hostess and am pleasantly surprised when she tells us to follow her. I march obediently behind her winding around a packed restaurant until we come to a small table in a back room.

Andrew helps me slide my coat off as the hostess places our menus on our table and tells us that someone will be with us shortly. I slide into my chair, my eyes taking in Andrew as he slips off his own coat. He’s wearing a shiny gray button-down dress shirt and black slacks that his football player physique fill out nicely.

I’d be a liar if I didn’t admit to checking him out once or twice when he sauntered into class. There is something sexy about the way he carries himself, like he’s comfortable in his own skin and doesn’t need to apologize for it. A dormant feeling that I thought was gone forever comes over me giving me hope.

“Is something wrong?” Andrew asks, bringing me back to the present. He and the waitress are looking at me, concerned.

“Oh, sorry. Just water for me, please.” I say, trying to act normal. The waitress disappears to get our drinks. Andrew keeps his eyes on me, obviously not buying that I’m okay. “I’m just really glad you asked me out.”

The cutest blush spreads across his full cheeks at my remark. I watch his lips and wonder how it would feel to kiss them. I move my menu to block my view of him before I can say, or do, anything else to embarrass myself.

Andrew starts busying himself recommending several different dishes to me as I peruse the menu. I look over my menu at him and his eyes meet mine and smile. The waitress brings out drinks then announces she will give us a minute to decide. Andrew must be deep in thought trying to decide which of his favorites he is going to go with tonight because he doesn’t say anything for several minutes.

I’ve almost made up my mind about my dinner when the tenor of a familiar voice hits my ears causing an instant physical reaction. I jerk my menu down and focus toward the direction of the voice. I instantly recognize the walk of shame girl from Seth’s apartment months ago sitting just a few tables away. She looks different, not disheveled now, but gorgeous. She is talking animatedly to the man with his back to me. My body instantly recognizes every movement, the set of the shoulders, the back of the head, and the voice of my ex-boyfriend.

I feel sick realizing that he is a mere ten feet away and could turn around at any moment and look my direction. I don’t feel strong enough for that kind of confrontation. I haven’t had enough time to prepare for this. I’m still not over him.

I’m mortified by the part of me that wants to storm over and pull walk of shame girl out of her chair. Seth belongs to me, not her. I watch his hands grip the edge of the table and I want them on me. A thousand memories of Seth making love to me swirl around in my head making it hard to breathe. I want him. I need him. I can’t live without him.

“Cassidy, are you all right? Your face is so white,” Andrew asks, covering my hand with his. The warmth from his hand brings me back to the present. I’m on a date with another guy and Seth doesn’t belong to me anymore.

“No, I’m fine. Sorry,” I say, my eyes lingering at Seth’s table.

“Don’t be sorry. We can go if you want,” Andrew offers.

I watch the happiness drain from walk of shame girl’s face as Seth says something to her. I can tell by the stiffness in his shoulders that something has happened to upset him. The beautiful girl looks absolutely miserable as she tries to console him. He jerks off her outstretched hand and starts ranting about something that I can’t overhear.

That’s when I remember what it was really like to be with Seth. He could be fun and he knew how to make my body respond to him, but I spent most of our time together trying to anticipate what would keep him happy. But it didn’t matter how hard I tried, something would always happen to upset him. It was exhausting trying to make him happy. My jealousy toward the girl fades and is instantly replaced with pity. She’s absolutely miserable and she could have been me.

“Cassidy?” I hear Andrew say.

“Would it be okay if we left?” I ask, hating that I’m disappointing Andrew who is trying so hard to make this a perfect date. He follows my eyes and seems to know what is happening without me saying a word. He slips back into his coat and helps me into mine. Andrew apologizes to the confused waitress and we rush back out into the cold winter air.

As we walk around the side of the restaurant, I can feel Seth’s eyes pulling me back. I stop in the middle of the sidewalk and look into the warm glow coming from a side window. Just as I suspected, his eyes are locked on me.

I stand there for a moment letting him have control of me one last time. Remembering how he used to touch me and longing for it. The look he’s giving me tells me that he still wants me, too. I could march right into the restaurant and take him away from that girl and I know he would come away with me.

But I don’t really want that. I owe a lot to Seth. He helped make me strong when I needed it most. I probably never would have told Dad about Phil, so even though Seth did it for his own selfish reasons, it still changed my life for the better. A part of me will always love Seth. But just like Chastity held me down for so many years, Seth would insist on doing the same, and I deserve better than that. I deserve better than him.