Addicted to Him (20 page)

He doesn’t pull away but the look in his eyes immediately changes from affectionate to suspicious. “Was it for your ex?”

“No, it wasn’t for him,” I answer, shaking my head vigorously, trying to steel myself for what I’m about to say. “It was in case things with Phil got worse.” I feel like I might puke at that admission which I really didn’t even realize myself until just a moment ago.

“Oh, Jesus, Cassidy. Baby, I’m so sorry,” he says, his suspicions melting away as he clings to me, kissing my face and wiping the new crop of tears that are sliding down my cheeks.

“The whole thing would have been bad enough but if I would have gotten pregnant, I would have killed myself,” I admit.

“Don’t talk like that. You’re never going back there. I’m going to protect you for the rest of your life. I’ve loved you since the minute I met you and I’m going to love you forever,” he promises.

My heart swells with joy to hear that he loves me as much as I love him. I almost believe that he has the power to change my world forever.

****

With Chastity safely in the middle of the Caribbean, I decide to call Phil’s parents to check on Wade. It’s been nearly three weeks since I talked to him and I’m about to have a mini-breakdown. Phil’s parents are nice enough but they are also about a hundred years old and I can’t help but worry.

“Yes,” Phil’s mother answers.

“Hi, Pearl, it’s Cassidy. I was wondering if I could talk to Wade?” I ask politely. Even though I was only six when Phil married Chastity, Pearl and Stanley never considered me their grandchild. I never realized it was odd that I didn’t get gifts on my birthday or holidays from them until Wade came along. I tried my hardest not to be jealous but it was hard when I was eleven and getting nothing and Wade was just a baby with stacks of toys practically drowning him. I suppose I can’t blame them. After all, they must view me as an extension of my mother, who they have never been particularly fond of.

“How are you, Cassidy?” Pearl asks.

“I’m good, Pearl. Thank you. How are you and Stanley doing?” I am honestly flabbergasted that she even cares how I’m doing.

“I can tell you one thing. We’re too old to have an eight-year-old running around,” she says, adding a laugh.

“Wade isn’t exactly your normal eight-year-old, he’s super-charged,” I tease. “I hope he isn’t giving you too much trouble.”

What I really mean is that I hope they aren’t still taking their afternoon naps then going to bed at six p.m. and leaving Wade to his own devices most of the day or the whole town might be in jeopardy.

“Oh, no, he’s a joy. Sort of a picky eater though. We’ve already been to McDonald’s four times this week.”

“If you want him to eat his vegetables, just give him a bottle of hot sauce. He’ll eat anything with hot sauce on it,” I say, giving her my famous tip that I learned completely by accident.

Pearl laughs heartily and for a second I wish she considered me her granddaughter. My dad’s parents died before I was born and Chastity alienated her family years ago.

“Thanks for the tip, Cassidy. I don’t care what your mom says about you, you’re a good sister. Let me get Wade for you.”

She clunks the receiver down on her kitchen table as I’m still trying to recover from her last comment. Chastity talks shit about me to Phil’s parents? Good lord, has she no boundaries? I know she just does it to make herself look better. She never would have explained that I wanted to spend the whole summer with Dad so she probably made up some story that I did something horrible to get sent away.

“What up, sis?” Wade’s bubbly voice asks. Every cell in my body heaves a sigh of relief at hearing his sweet little voice.

“Hey, buddy. I miss you like crazy.”

“Dude, you haven’t called me in forever. You must not miss me that much,” he teases, but I can tell that it has bothered him that he thinks I haven’t called by choice.

“You know that isn’t true. I think about you every day.”

“It was Mom, wasn’t it?”

He is so much more mature than his age in so many ways because of the way our mother is. I hate it for him. I’ve never tried to turn him against her even though I know that I easily could.

“Just know that I’m always thinking of you, no matter what.”

“I heard Mom telling Dad that she liked you being gone and that you were going to stay in Colorado forever. I don’t want you to stay there forever. Who’s going to help me with my homework next year? And you know which pants I like to wear. Mom never washes them like you do,” he says, his tiny voice starting to panic.

I try to make a fast recovery from Wade’s comment, but I feel like I got kicked in the gut. It’s not like it is some big surprise that Chastity doesn’t want me around, and God knows I have been happier without her, but it still stings to hear it.

“I’ll be home soon, stinker. Do you have all your meds with you?”

He sighs, tired of my constant worry about his asthma. “I’ve got my rescue inhaler and I’ve been doing my nebulaser twice a day.”

I nicknamed Wade’s nebulizer, the nebulaser, because he was going through a Star Wars phase at the time. It makes me smile every time he says it. Chastity could never get him to cooperate and would give up on his treatments, causing him to end up back in the ER with an asthma attack. I devised a plan to color his mask black with a Sharpie and tell him it was kind of like the mask Darth Vader wore. He never gave me a problem about doing treatments from then on. Of course this infuriated her that I was the one who solved the problem but I didn’t care. It kept my little brother breathing normally and that was my biggest concern.

“Good boy. Some day you won’t need all that stuff.”

“Grandma says I have to go because I’m tying up the phone line.”

I chuckle to myself, thinking that they must be the only people left on the planet without cell phones or caller ID.

“Okay. Be a good boy for Grandma and Grandpa. Have fun at Disney World next week. I love you and I’ll see you soon.”

“I love you, sissy,” he says, hanging up.

As I end the call I wish I could feel better knowing that Wade is probably in safer hands than when he is alone with Chastity and Phil but a huge pit of dread just opened up in my stomach knowing that I either just lied to Wade or I’ve been lying to Seth all along and never had any intention of really staying.

Chapter Thirteen

Three weeks have passed since that night at the park. Twenty-one days to get more addicted to Seth’s body and fall more in love with him yet I still can’t seem to work up the courage to talk to Dad about staying. I can feel Seth getting frustrated and I know I have to do something soon.

I watch Seth pull into the driveway and I can sense his mood just by watching the way he gets out of his car. He’s in one of his moods again. As much as I love Seth, his constant mood swings are exhausting. I feel like I spend about half our time together just trying to make him happy.

“Today is supposed to be my day off, but Mark called in sick so now I have to work tonight,” he huffs. I don’t blame him for being sick of the restaurant, I don’t know how he spends so much time in that tiny building smelling hamburger grease all day.

“Your mom doesn’t have a choice though, Seth. She needs your help,” I say, rubbing his shoulders. I’m bummed because I wanted to be with him tonight but we can still be together after he gets off.

“God, who’s fucking side are you on?” he yells, shoving my hands off him.

“I’m always on your side, Seth,” I say, my feelings taking a hit. The last three weeks have been a constant juggling act trying to keep him happy. I know that I could help the situation by talking to Dad but I still haven’t worked up the courage.

“Whatever. You don’t give a shit about me. In two weeks, you’ll be running back to your old boyfriend who’s been fucking your friend all summer. I’ll be nothing but a distant memory that you might masturbate to once in a while,” he says, his voice laced with venom.

“Maybe I will,” I smart off, sick and tired of trying to convince him that I love him as much as he loves me. I hear the whooshing sound before I feel Seth’s hand come across my face.
Seth just smacked me
, my brain registers slowly. I put my hand to my cheek feeling the heat from the slap.

He reaches toward me and at first I think he is going to grab me up and beg for forgiveness but instead he winds my ponytail around his fist and pulls as hard as he can.

“Seth, let go,” I scream, trying to pull away from him.

“You listen to me. You belong to me. If you ever let another guy touch you, I’ll kill you both.” He lets go of my hair and I go tumbling off the couch. I scurry to the opposite end of the room, terrified.

“Get out,” I scream.

My screaming seems to jar something deep inside of him. I watch the physical transformation of his contorted, furious, hateful face of a stranger back into the one who kisses my eyelids and promises to love me forever.

“Oh my God, Cassidy,” he cries, running toward me. I back myself into a corner and shield my face, thinking that he is coming at me full force. He drops to his knees in front of me, sobbing. “I love you. I never meant to hurt you.”

“I think you should go,” I say icily.

He looks up at me, tears streaming down his face, and I can feel myself melting even though part of me is still secretly terrified of being hurt again.

“I’m going crazy thinking about you leaving. I can’t live without you. You know this isn’t me,” he says, reaching up to touch my cheek. “But you said we would be together forever and you won’t even talk to your dad about staying.”

“You hit me.”

“Only because I’m scared of losing you.” He wraps his arms around my waist and buries his face into me. “I’ll never hurt you again,” he promises. I keep my hands folded across my chest not touching him. I love Seth but a few seconds ago he was a monster, not the boy I love.

He pulls gently away from me and bolts out the front door without a word. I watch him open his car door, rifle around in the front seat, shove something in his pocket, and fly back through the front door. I stand rooted to my spot in the corner.

“God, I can’t believe how bad I fucked this up. Tonight was supposed to be perfect,” he says, running his hands through his hair.

“I need some time, Seth. Maybe you should go,” I suggest carefully, not wanting to make him erupt again.

He stalks toward me purposefully and I cringe, throwing my hands up to block myself, knowing the next blow is going to hurt worse than the others.

“I’m not going to hurt you, baby.” He gently pushes my arms aside and places them beside me. “Open your eyes.”

Slowly, I open my eyelids just a crack. Seth is on one knee holding an opened black velvet box toward me. Inside the box, sitting on the velvet padding, is the prettiest diamond ring I’ve ever seen. I gasp in shock, opening my eyes fully.

“Cassidy Lawson, will you marry me?” he asks. The love pouring from his eyes fills my heart with warmth, but my brain is still stuck back on the smack.

“Oh, Seth, it’s beautiful,” I say, buying myself some time. I clutch my chest waiting for the right words to come out. I love Seth but even if he hadn’t smacked me, I wouldn’t be ready for marriage. I haven’t even finished high school yet. But surely he doesn’t mean that we are going to run off and get married tomorrow or anything. Until fifteen minutes ago, I knew I wanted to be with him forever, so this would just kind of be an affirmation of that. “Yes, I’ll marry you.”

The words slip out before I’m really ready to say them but the look on Seth’s face is pure joy and I’m glad they came out. He delicately pulls the ring out of the box, takes my hand, and slips the ring on. It’s a perfect fit.

The square-shaped diamond flickers on my left ring finger and I can’t stop staring at it. I barely have time to digest what just happened when I hear the garage door open. My heart starts banging around in my chest like a bouncy ball. I’m so used to being naked with Seth when my parents are gone that I immediately feel guilty.

“I forgot Dad drove separately today because he said he wanted to come home and talk to me about something,” I tell Seth, grabbing the velvet box and placing the ring gently back into it. “We can’t tell him about this right now.”

“Maybe he wants to talk to you about living here. This is the perfect time to tell him we’re engaged.”

I can’t even comprehend how weird that word sounds applied to me.

“Please, Seth. Trust me. Now isn’t the time. He sounded serious.”

Seth nods and sits down on the couch. I sit down next to him trying to look normal while hiding the box in the couch cushion. The door from the garage opens and closes very loudly and I hear Dad come stomping up the steps. I think he is purposely making as much noise as possible, afraid that he might walk in on something he isn’t ready to see.

“Hey, Dad,” I say.

Surprise and relief flood his features immediately. I guess I never appreciated how strange it must be for Dad to go from being around me when I still played with Barbie’s to now when I play with boys, with no transition in between.

“Hey, you two,” he says, sounding weary. “I need to talk to both of you.”

Seth and I exchange a puzzled look as we watch Dad have a seat at the kitchen table. Slowly, we get up to join him but I can’t help feeling that I’m being led to my execution. Seth looks sick to his stomach as he pulls a chair out and collapses into it.

“I really don’t know how to say this so I’m just going to go for it. Yesterday, I was taking the trash out and the bag busted open and everything went everywhere,” he pauses for great effect, giving a glance to both of us before continuing. I have no idea where he’s going with this and I worry that he might be having a stroke the way he keeps rolling his head on his neck and cracking his knuckles while talking.

“Cassidy, can you make this any less painful for me or do I need to keep going?”

“Dad, I don’t have a clue what you’re talking about.”

He sighs heavily then continues. “I found the test.”

“What test?” I ask.