Addicted to Him (23 page)

My stomach rolls at the thought of her trying to turn Wade against me. I know that he is smart enough to know some of the stuff that is going on but he is still just an eight-year-old boy. The thought of her crushing him, just to spite me, turns my fear to anger.

“You better not say one negative thing about me to him, or I promise, you’ll regret it,” I spit out, barely recognizing my own voice.

She jerks back a little, and then realizing what she’s done comes at me full force.

“Who the fuck do you think you are talking to me like that? Eighteen years of sacrificing my life to give you a better one and this is the treatment I get?” She pauses to grab a strand of her hair and starts twirling it around her finger. I’ve seen her do it a million times when she’s nervous about something. She knows, and she’s terrified that I’ve told Dad.

“How could you?” I ask in a tiny voice.

Dad starts crying quietly next to me. Mom’s eyes startle, but she quickly brings her mask down again.

“How could I what? Put up with your shit for so long? Believe me, it’s been a struggle.” She starts picking at her nails, trying to look bored, but soon resumes the hair twirling tic.

“You knew he started looking at me different,” I start, bile rising in my throat. “You knew.”

Fire shoots from her eyes, telling me I’m right. She knew all along. What Phil did pales in comparison to knowing that she never even tried to protect me.

“Don’t let her fool you, Martin. She pranced around here like a slut just teasing him. She did it to get back at me. She’s tried to ruin my life since the day she was born. I knew I should have aborted her.”

Dad gasps and throws his arm over my shoulders, trying to physically shield me from the words, but it’s too late, they are already floating out in the ether. But their jagged edges don’t shred me like I expect them to. I feel something inside of me switch off and there is a feeling of numbness that I don’t recognize.

When I look at Chastity she looks different than she’s ever looked. I’ve always thought she was beautiful but the woman staring back at me looks haggard. It reminds me of a picture I saw once where if you looked at it one way, you saw the profile of a beautiful young woman, but if you refocus, an old woman appears. Except with Chastity, I can’t seem to see any of the beauty anymore, just the shell of a bitter, hateful woman who used to mean something to me.

“I’ve been a good daughter but I’m done with you now,” I say, matter of factly. I can see Dad watching me from my peripheral vision with surprise. “Don’t even think of trying to keep me away from my brother or I’ll tell everyone in the world what Phil did. I think we both know who everyone will believe,” I threaten, feeling the strongest I’ve ever felt in my entire life.

“You little bitch,” she warns, not quite understanding that she doesn’t have the upper hand anymore. “I don’t ever want you see you again. I don’t have a daughter anymore.”

I take one long last look at the woman who has made it her personal mission to hold me down since the day I was born. I know the next time I see her she will probably be lying in a coffin. I know I should feel sad but relief floods over me like a cool breeze. “I was hoping you’d say that,” I reply, disconnecting the call.

Dad and I sit frozen for a long time. I don’t know what he’s thinking but the entire time I’m devising a way to get in touch with Wade without
her
. She isn’t my mother anymore, just a hateful, jealous woman I used to know, and I’ll never think of her as my mother again. Lisa is my mother now. But I’m not giving up Wade. I want to be the one to tell him that I’m not coming home. I figure out the perfect way to reach him but it is going to involve calling in a big favor that I don’t necessarily want to cash in.

“I need to try and reach Wade,” I tell Dad, standing and walking toward the stairs to retrieve my phone from my bedroom.

“Are you okay? That was pretty intense,” he asks cautiously.

“I’m fine. As soon as I talk to Wade will you take me shopping for school supplies?” I ask innocently. He regards me like I may have lost my mind but slowly nods his head.

It probably isn’t easy for him to understand that I’ve been building toward this day almost my whole life. I don’t have one nurturing memory of my mother. I’ve always just been something she tolerated, not doted on or loved. It is a huge relief not carrying the burden of never living up to her expectations anymore. Despite everything, I feel happy. Which I guess is kind of fucked up but I’ll take it.

I shut my bedroom door, plop on my bed, and bring up Whit’s contact info. I never thought I’d speak to her again but even though she betrayed me, I know she would do anything for me. I hit the phone icon to dial her number.

“Hi,” she says shyly, answering on the first ring.

“I need a favor,” I say, not planning to rehash her betrayal, that isn’t why I’m calling. “You’re working the school registration again, right?”

“Yeah,” she answers uneasily. “Do you need me to make sure you get certain classes?”

“No. I’m not coming back there but I need to talk to my little brother without anyone knowing. I need your help, Whit. You’re the only one I can count on,” I plead.

“Um…okay. But how do I get Wade alone so I can call you?”

“You know how simple Phil is, just distract him with something shiny,” I kid, realizing how much I miss clowning around with Whit.

“I’ll think of something,” she says determinedly. “Listen, Cass, I never meant to hurt you.”

“I know, Whit. It’s fine.” I miss her desperately now that I’ve heard her perky voice and I want to blurt out all the stuff about Seth but we aren’t friends like that anymore so I don’t.

“Are you happier out there?”

“I’ve never been happier. Things are going really good with my dad and my stepmom is going to have a baby. Life is good,” I reassure her.

“You deserve it,” she says longingly. I think she always suspected that there was something going on with me, especially when I drastically changed my appearance, but she never made me give up more than I was willing to.

“I’ll have my cell phone with me all day. Call me when you get him alone.”

“I will,” she promises.

“And Whit?”

“Yeah, Cass.”

“You deserve to be happy too,” I say, hanging up.

****

“I feel like a secret agent,” Wade says when I answer my phone.

“Sorry for all the secrecy, buddy. I have something to tell you but I want you to know that I will always love you and be there for you.”

“You’re not coming home,” his small voice announces. He doesn’t even sound surprised, I guess he knew before I did that I belonged here.

“No, Wade, I’m not. But that doesn’t mean that we can’t see each other. You can come out to visit me and I’ll come visit you. We can text, and Skype, and even write letters.”

“I’m glad you’re not coming home,” he says happily.

I’m caught off-guard and my blood runs cold worrying that Chastity already got to him to poison him against me.

“I’m gonna miss you but Mom isn’t very nice to you. Is your dad nice to you?”

“Yes, Wade, he’s very nice to me,” I answer, breathing a sigh of relief. “I’m really happy here. The only thing missing is you.”

“I got Mrs. White for third grade,” he says, abruptly changing the subject.

And just like that I know he is going to be okay. “That’s who you wanted, that’s awesome. You are going to have a great year. I can still help you with your homework over Skype,” I reassure him.

“I’m a big boy now so I probably won’t need much help.”

“Right. Sometimes I forget how big you are,” I say, tears streaming down my face. Wade has been the center of my universe for eight years. He was the only joy Chastity ever brought me and I’m going to miss him terribly. I know I’m making the right decision though. I would have been no good for Wade or myself had I allowed myself to get sucked back into that toxic situation.

“Will I see you for Christmas?” he asks worriedly.

“I sure hope so, sport. The most important thing is that you remember how much I love you and don’t ever let anyone tell you different.”

“I love you, sissy,” he says, sounding choked up. I hear Phil’s voice in the background and then the call is disconnected.

I sigh deeply and head downstairs to start the first day of my new life.

Chapter Sixteen

My parents suggested that I invite Seth over for dinner tonight. No one says it out loud but we are all thinking that it is kind of a celebration dinner. No more controlling mother putting me down to try and keep me in my place. No more perverted stepfather skulking around trying to catch a peek of me naked or feeling me up. I feel so light that part of me wonders if I might just float away.

I take my time getting dressed, wanting to look fabulous for Seth. I slip on a red sleeveless sundress that I hope Seth will be ripping off me later when we are alone. I roll my hair into fat retro curls and line my eyes with black liner. I top it off with bright red lips that want to kiss all down his neck.

Sometimes I worry about how much I crave his touch. I feel like if he broke up with me, I would wander to the ends of the Earth never again finding the intense spark we share. I was a fool to resist wearing the ring he bought me. Who cares if I’m only eighteen, most people don’t ever find what we have together. That doesn’t mean I’m ready to break the news to Dad yet though. I think one life changing event every few days is enough for a while.

I hear the doorbell and rush downstairs beating Dad to the door. He whistles at me then heads back to the kitchen to help Lisa. I fling the door open and rush into Seth’s arms nearing knocking him off the porch.

“Whoa, there,” he says, wrapping his arms tightly around me.

“I missed you.” I move to kiss him but he dodges my lips. I go into full pout mode.

“You’ll get lipstick all over me,” he says. “Who are you all dressed up for anyway?”

He sets me down on the porch and backs away from me, looking suspicious.

“What do you mean? I’m dressed up for you,” I say, feeling hurt. He looks me up and down and I can tell he doesn’t approve.

“You look cheap,” he whispers, glancing at the open front door.

His words hit me harder than any of the insults Chastity hurled at me this morning.

“I’ll go change,” I announce, spinning around. I know I don’t look cheap and it really pisses me off when he takes it out on me when he’s having a bad day. He grabs my arm and I jerk back to him. I was really hoping that he wouldn’t be so moody once it was settled that I’m staying here but it doesn’t look like it has made any difference.

“I’m sorry. I had a shitty day at work and I didn’t mean to take it out on you. You just look so insanely fuckable. I don’t want anyone else to see you like that. Jesus, I want those lips on me,” he says, suddenly intoxicated by my red lips.

“No one else gets any of this. Stop being so damn insecure,” I tell him, annoyed.

“Oh, you’re going to pay for talking to me like that later,” he threatens, narrowing his intense green eyes at me, but I know he means in a sexual way. “You’re going to be begging for me to stop.”

“I sincerely doubt that,” I counter, my panties getting damp. “Okay, we’re having dinner with my parents so we need to chill.”

He throws me an evil wink, grabs my hand, and follows me into the house.

“Hey there, Mr. and Mrs. Lawson,” Seth says, as we head into the kitchen.

“Evening, Seth. And it’s Lisa and Martin, please,” Dad says, shaking Seth’s hand.

I try to think pure thoughts but seeing how quickly Seth can go from getting me wet to chatting it up with my parents just makes me that much hotter.

Dinner lasts forever and just when I think that we are in the clear, Lisa suggests a board game and I try not to scream. Seth happily agrees, ignoring my kick under the table. Sixty excruciating minutes later I’m nearly tearing my hair out.

I feel like a meth head who needs her fix. Everything he does turns me on. Just watching him blow on the dice practically makes me orgasm. I feel hopelessly addicted to him. Seth doesn’t seem to be having any problem keeping his eyes off me because I haven’t caught him looking at me once.

I can’t help but wonder if the mystery is gone for him. After all, I was supposed to be a summer fling. Now that he’s found out that I’m staying maybe he wants to end it. The minute the thought enters my mind, I know I’m right. I won’t fight him if he breaks up with me. I won’t spend any more of my life chasing someone who doesn’t love me back but inside I’ll be dying. I’m nearly shaking at the thought of never being with Seth again.

“Seth, let’s go get some ice cream,” I suggest. He drops his head, his blonde curls covering his face so I can’t read his expression but his lack of enthusiasm only leads me to believe that my thinking was right.

“Sure, I could eat some more. You guys are going with, right?” Seth asks my parents. I want to kick him straight in the balls with my heel. He doesn’t want to be alone with me.

Dad and Lisa exchange a look. “No, you kids go on,” Dad says, picking up on Lisa’s silent cues.

“I just need to get something,” I say, bolting upstairs before the tears lining my lids threaten to roll over and expose me. I won’t cry if he breaks up with me. I didn’t even cry at my own mother disowning me. Seth won’t break me. Nobody will. I freshen my red lips, knowing that they had an effect on him and hoping they haunt his dreams if he ends it. I grab my purse, throwing my phone inside. I dig the velvet box out from a pile of my underwear and slip the ring on my finger. Maybe wearing the ring will remind him how much he loves me.

I hide my ring finger as I say good-bye to my parents who tell me that Seth is already waiting outside. I try to ignore the strange looks they are giving each other. I make my way out to Seth’s car. He is looking out the driver’s side window, ignoring me. I climb in, snap my seatbelt and he backs out of the driveway.

I want to scream for him to just say it already. Just say that I was nothing but a summer piece of ass. All that crap about us belonging to each other was just to get laid, he never meant a word of it. But I’m not going to make it easy for him. I lean over and rest my hand on his leg, causing him to jump. I see him blink, momentarily caught off-guard. It seems impossible that the same touch that used to turn him on just days ago would repulse him now.