Addicted to Him (18 page)

“Cassidy, I can’t hold out. Please stop,” he begs.

I ignore him and keep sliding him back and forth in my mouth until I feel something warm squirt into my mouth. I quietly spit it out in the shower and rinse my mouth with water then stand up. I hope that will make Seth forget what he was even upset about earlier.

“How was that?” I ask seductively, tangling my arms around his neck.

“Jesus Christ, how many guys have you been with?” he asks, taking me off-guard.

“What?”

“You’re a fucking pro and I don’t mean that in a good way,” he yells then sidesteps me and gets out of the shower.

I stand there, numb, watching him dry off in a fury.

“I fucking told you to stop,” he yells, storming out of the bathroom.

I turn off the now cold shower and step out and start drying myself off. Tears are running down my face because I know, somehow, I’ve ruined our last night together. I just wanted to do something to make him happy because he’s made me so happy but I screwed it up. I step out in the hall just in time to hear the front door slam.

I run to my bedroom window and see Seth start up his car, roll down the driveway, and then speed out of the subdivision. I slide under my covers and cry myself to sleep.

****

I feel someone lifting the covers and it startles me. I jolt up in bed to see Seth outlined by the light of the bathroom that I left on.

“I’m a fucking idiot. I’m so sorry,” he says, taking off his clothes and scooting next to me.

“I just wanted to make you happy,” I tell him.

“You do, that’s the problem. I know you aren’t serious about staying and it’s making me crazy. I don’t think I can live without you.”

I kiss him with everything in me, hoping to convince him that I feel the same way. “I love you, Seth, and I want to stay. That’s all I can control right now,” I tell him, coming up for air.

“But you’re going to try, you promise?” he begs, his green eyes filled with hope.

“I’m going to talk to them a few days after they get back. I want to give them some time because I don’t know how Lisa’s dad is doing.”

“I love you, Cassidy,” he says, kissing me gently. After kissing for a few minutes, I pull away and straddle him. He gently eases himself into me. I groan as I start to pulse up and down on him. His hands are rubbing my nipples as he bucks underneath me. He drops his hands to my waist and rises up to plunge himself deeper inside me.

He moves his thumb on my clit, circling around and around until I can’t hold out. I give myself up to the contractions of pleasure, squeezing myself around him to milk every last one. We both breathlessly yell each other’s names until I collapse on the bed beside him, panting.

“I want you to know that I’ve never been with anybody like this before.” I tell him.

“I didn’t mean that shit I said before. I just get so mad sometimes. I’m sorry,” he apologizes, pulling me to his chest.

“I get being mad. But you need to remember that I’m not the enemy. I’m always going to have your back.”

“Always?” he asks innocently, looking just like Henry.

“Always,” I reply, hoping I’m not lying.

Chapter Eleven

“We’re home, sweetie,” a voice says, shaking me gently.

I bolt upright in my bed, panicking because it just registered in my brain that the voice belongs to my father and Seth is still laying beside me. Only he isn’t. My eyes search the carpet for his clothes, thinking maybe he heard the garage door and is hiding in my closet, which is crazy because Dad would have already seen his car. My heart is racing like crazy, knowing that Dad will kill him if he discovers him here.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you,” Dad says. He looks so worn out that the guilt I already had about this weekend just quadrupled.

“It’s okay, Dad. I’m glad you guys are home,” I lie. Technically it isn’t a complete lie since I am happy to see him, just sad that my time playing house with Seth is over. I prop myself against my headboard noticing a note on my bedside table that wasn’t there before. My blood pressure instantly drops back down to normal levels realizing that Seth must have gotten up early so we wouldn’t get caught. Thank goodness one of us was thinking with something other than the organ between their legs last night.

“We are going to lie down for a few hours because neither of us got any sleep the last few days,” Dad says.

I’m glad that they aren’t rushing off to work because I’ve actually kind of missed them. Seth will be working all day anyway so it will be nice to spend some time together after they get up. “How is Lisa’s dad doing?”

Dad looks at the entrance of my room to make sure Lisa isn’t in earshot before replying, “I’m pretty sure that’s the last time she will ever see him alive.”

I cringe, hating that Lisa must be in so much pain. I can’t imagine losing Dad. “Will you tell her I’m here if she needs to talk?” I offer.

“Absolutely. That will mean the world to her.” He pats me gently on the head and shifts out of the room like a zombie.

Poor Dad. First, having his daughter that he barely knows dumped on him for the entire summer, then dealing with Chastity’s child support demands, and now his father-in-law’s impending death and the emotional havoc that will wreak on his wife. If he knew that his daughter was engaging in premarital sex in his house all weekend it would probably end him.

Once I’m sure he is gone, I grab the note and flip it open to read it.
I’ll call you after work
. My heart falls a little at the simplicity. I don’t know what I was expecting. Hearts and proclamations of love possibly? But Seth was probably just trying to be cautious in case someone else read the note so that they wouldn’t get suspicious. He must have told me ten times last night that he loved me as we laid together so I don’t know why I can’t just believe it. Maybe because he seems too good to be true, or maybe because deep down I feel like I don’t deserve him.

I hear Chastity’s voice in my head telling me that he just considers me a summer piece of ass, and that after August, I’ll never hear from him again. I try to push her out by putting Seth in her place and hearing him tell him how he will be with me forever, but it doesn’t work, she’s still too strong.

I bury my head under my pillow to drown out her telling me I’m not good enough for Seth but her muffled razor-sharp insults still get through. Finally, I just give myself to them. I realize that Seth only came back last night because he knew I was still alone and he knew I would give it up. I’ve acted like a slut around him from day one so why wouldn’t he take what I was giving so freely? Guys like Seth don’t spend forever with girls like me. Just ask Ethan. They prefer girls like Whit who don’t come with a bunch of family baggage and self-esteem issues.

Then I remember how upset he was last night and the number of times he has made me promise that I’ll stay. This isn’t some summer fling to him. He really loves me. Take that, Chastity.

****

“I’m sorry about your Dad,” I tell Lisa as we lay sunbathing on the back deck.

“I’m not giving up on him,” she says, slathering herself with SPF.

“You might as well be wearing a snowsuit because nothing is getting through that stuff,” I point out, changing the subject.

“Just wait until you get old. You’ll be freaking out over your first sun spot, too.”

“What are you talking about? You look half your age. Look at that body,” I tease, admiring her perfectly fitting violet bikini that has just the tiniest pooch hanging over it. I think maybe Lisa’s cooking is starting to affect her own waistline also, although she still looks amazing.

“Does it bother you that I’m closer to your age than your father’s?” she asks, completely out of the blue.

“Your age never bothered me.”

“You thought I took him away from you, didn’t you?”

“
I
didn’t think of it that way, I just knew he was leaving and I was heartbroken. I had a little help being persuaded to think that you were Satan in stilettos.”

She laughs easily and tilts her SPF coated face to the sun. “I told him I would move to Missouri if he wanted me to, but he thought your life might be better if he just disappeared. He thought she would be easier on you if he wasn’t around reminding her how he left her.”

“He was wrong. She’s a monster and she’s only gotten worse.”

I glance over to see tears rolling down her cheeks. “Cassidy, I’m so sorry. He thought he was doing the right thing. He loves you more than anything in the entire world.”

“We don’t even know each other,” I say sadly.

“He wants to know you, but you’re both so guarded. He’s scared to get too close because he knows you’re leaving again. I know it sounds like an excuse but it really isn’t.”

I don’t even know if what Lisa is saying is true but it feels good to hear anyway. All this time I just thought Dad tossed me aside so he could run off and start a new life and forget all about his horrible hook-up and their mistake of a daughter. I thought for sure he would have a bunch of new kids by now and would have forgotten all about me. For a second, I allow myself to believe what Lisa is saying. That Dad never really wanted to leave me, that he has always wanted me in his life. It feels good.

“I thought you didn’t like me and that’s why you left when I came to visit last time. I figured that I reminded you of Chastity.” The last time I came to visit when I was twelve, she left for the entire time and I assumed that she just didn’t want to be around me. Now I realize that she was just trying to give me uninterrupted time with Dad.

“You couldn’t be any more different than her, Cassidy. You need to believe that. I love being around you and I consider you my daughter whether you want me to or not.” She opens her eyes and winks at me, lightening things up considerably.

“Sometimes I wish she would die,” I admit. I know that Lisa won’t judge me and it feels good to say it out loud. “What kind of a daughter does that make me?”

“It makes you a daughter who has spent her whole life trying to live up to unrealistic expectations. You are a good person. I don’t know why she can’t love you like a normal person. She’s sick, Cassidy.”

It feels good to hear someone else say what I’ve known in my heart since I was six. I knew the moment Chastity crushed my excitement about having a solo in my kindergarten Christmas concert by telling me I was tone deaf that something was wrong with her, although it never made her remarks cut any less deep.

“I want to know him better. I just don’t know how to talk to him.” Since Dad moved away I’ve had this recurring fantasy that he begs me to come live with him, but in real life, Dad has never once mentioned me coming to live with him. Not once.

“He’s just as intimidated by you as you are of him. Just take baby steps. It’ll be fine.”

I wish I could be as confident as Lisa is, but I just don’t know if Dad and I will ever be close. Especially close enough that he would ask me to come live with him. I close my eyes and try to put all of it out of my mind. I think about Seth instead but that just reminds me that not only will I have to say good-bye to my new happy home in a few weeks, but also to the boy I’m in love with unless I find the courage to ask Dad if I can stay. I just don’t think I could bare it if he said no.

“I miss my little brother,” I tell her, wondering how Wade is doing. I miss him so much that I briefly considered calling Phil’s cell phone to ask to talk to Wade but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. The Phil situation seems so much more real and disgusting since I admitted all of it to Seth.

“He sounds like a pretty special little guy,” Lisa says, smiling over at me. I’ve regaled them with tales of Wade at dinner most nights, never running out of stories about my highly imaginative, rambunctious little brother. If I’m being honest about moving here, it probably wouldn’t even matter if Dad asked me to stay because I don’t think I could fathom being away from Wade forever.

“I always thought that you and Dad would have more kids,” I blurt out.

Surprisingly, Lisa doesn’t seem fazed by the abrupt change in subject. She lazily rolls on her side and props herself up on her elbow facing me.

“We waited for a long time because your Dad was worried how it would affect you, then we thought maybe it would help. Maybe you would want to visit more if you had a brother or a sister because we know how much you love Wade. Do you think you would have liked having another brother or sister?” she asks.

I nod, pushing back the tears that are threatening to break lose. Obviously Lisa couldn’t ever get pregnant because I know they wouldn’t have waited this long. Life is so cruel to allow someone like my mother to easily give birth to two children that she will probably never appreciate but to deny Lisa a child of her own. I’m touched by her treating me like her own but I know that having a moody stepdaughter doesn’t even begin to compete with holding her very own bundle of joy made of her and my father. “I’m sorry, Lisa.”

“Don’t be, sweetie. It’s just the luck of the draw,” she says, sighing.

I consider asking about surrogacy or adoption but I feel like I’ve crossed over the line as it is.

“Sometimes things don’t work out quite the way you imagine,” she says wistfully.

I turn on my side so I’m facing her and reply, “No, they really don’t.”

She smiles so purely that my heart nearly breaks for her. It is that moment that I realize that I love her and being with her feels like I’ve always imagined home should feel like. A home filled with laughter and warmth not walking on eggshells and deliberately failing at things to compensate for Chastity’s own shortcomings.

The sliding glass door opens and Dad comes out dressed in cut-off jean shorts and a Metallica T-shirt with an American flag bandana holding his hair back.

“There are my two lovely ladies. I don’t suppose either one of you would like to come fishing with me?” he asks hopefully.

Lisa and I exchange glances and her left eyebrow lifts almost imperceptibly. I jump off my lounge chair and start gathering my iPod, phone, sunscreen, and a can of soda in my arms.