Beautiful Lies (10 page)

The sound of the bedroom door opening, pulls me free of my thoughts. I sit up in eager anticipation. I move too fast and my head starts to spin. I close my eyes for a moment.

“Rick,” I whisper as he walks through the door.

“Nope.” I recognize the voice before my eyes even regain focus.

“Nate, sorry.”

“Don’t be, I expected him to be here when I brought you back last night too. That’s why I stayed. I didn’t want to leave you alone.”

“Thanks.”

“Where is he?”

“We broke up,” I mumble. Nate doesn’t know about Taylor and the dreams and right now my head is hurting way too much to even begin to tell him.

“Sorry to hear that, sis. Here, you should feel better after these,” he says, handing me a couple of Advil pills and a glass of water.

“Thanks.” I say, taking them off him eagerly, I swallow them and then hand him the empty glass.

“No problem, hangovers are a killer. This should get you somewhat back to normal,” he says handing me a tray with toast and coffee.

“You’re a life saver,” I smile, taking them off him.

He takes a seat on the bed next to me, watching me.

“Sorry that you had to stay with me. If you have somewhere to go, I’ll be ok now,” I say.

“Nope, no plans at all. So, what happened with you and pretty boy?”

“We’ve just not been getting on great lately.” It’s half the truth.

“And that’s all you’re going to tell me, right?” He smirks at me.

“For now, yeah.” I finish the toast in record time, set the tray down on the bed and sip my coffee slowly. “So, are you coming to Brenda’s later?”

I see him tense up and I know that I’m taking a risk.

“No.”

“She was really hoping that you’d come.”

“Yeah, so was I, every single birthday, Christmas and school play. I guess we just don’t all get what we wish for though, do we?”

“What she did was wrong; I’m not even going to make excuses for her-”

“Then don’t,” he interjects.

I ignore his comment.

“But she’s trying...really hard.”

“If you and Liv want to play happy families then that’s up to you but I’m not buying it.”

“Nate...”

“I’m going to use the shower if that’s ok?”

“Yeah, of course, you don’t need to ask,” I answer in defeat.

“Thanks.” Then he leaves me and my cup of coffee alone.

I know that Nate doesn’t want to forgive our mother but deep down I know that it is eating away at him. I find myself lost in thought, thinking about everything that is going on, when my phone pings with a message. I unlock the screen and see Rick’s name. My stomach drops. I drink the last of my coffee and place the cup on the tray. I open the text nervously.

Hi, I was wondering if it would be ok to come and get some of my things today? If it is inconvenient then I can leave it until another day.

I look at the message sadly, it seems so formal. I hate that he is even asking. He still has his key, his things are still everywhere yet he is talking like we’ve already severed all ties. It takes me several minutes to think of the right response. I settle on...

You don’t have to ask. This house is as much yours as it is mine. X

His reply comes through almost immediately.

Would 12 be ok?

He’s keeping it formal and it’s making me mad. He’s acting like we are a pair of strangers. I type my next response in anger.

Fine.

I wait for another reply, but it never comes.

* * *

After Rick’s last message, I find myself cleaning nonstop. My head has finally stopped spinning and the feeling of nausea has finally calmed down. Nate walks into the living room, dressed in the clothes that he had on last night.

“Hey,” I say before polishing the table again.

“Spring clean?”

“Something like that. Rick’s coming over.”

“Oh, you two planning on talking things through?”

“No, he’s coming to pick up more of his stuff.”

“Oh...it really is over then?”

“Yeah,” I reply.

“Do you need any help?” He asks genuinely. I stop what I am doing to smile at my brother. He looks so big next to me. I scan his face and can see the pain behind his eyes. He’s only two years older than me yet he looks like he is carrying the burdens of a man twice his age. Maybe if I didn’t know him, I wouldn’t notice. His dark brown hair--an exact match in color to mine--is cut low. His face is clean shaven and his brown eyes are searching my own pair for an answer to the question. I look at my brother who people have spent my whole life mistaking as my twin, and smile.

“No, I’m almost done, and then I’m going to jump in the shower. But thank you, for last night, this morning...everything.”

“No sweat. I’m off but give me a call if you need anything. If pretty boy gets out of hand, I’ll be back to kick his ass.”He chuckles and I smile at him.

“I’m sure it won’t come to that, but thanks,” I laugh.

“Anytime. See you later,” he says, kissing me on the forehead before walking past me.

“Nate...” I hear him stop moving. I purposely keep my back to him. “I know that she’s hurt you. She hurt us all, but she really is trying. I’m not telling you what to do and I will always have your back no matter what decision you make...but it’d be great to see you at Brenda’s later. Don’t give me an answer now...just...give it some thought.”

He doesn’t speak but he doesn’t move either. After several moments of silence, I hear the front door open and close, and I go back to cleaning.

* * *

The hours go by so quickly and before I know it, midday has arrived. I hear the knock on my front door. Rick is always so prompt. It hurts me that he is knocking rather than just using his key but I push that thought to the back of my head and go and let him in.

“Hi,” he looks out of place when he speaks, like he doesn’t know how to act.

“Hi,” I reply.

I step aside before closing the door behind him.

“I won’t take up much of your time. I’ll just grab a few clothes and then I will clear out everything once I can get a van,” he says quickly.

“A van?” I ask in shock.

“Yeah...I just think that we need some time apart to really think.”

“That’s not time apart, Rick...that’s separation.” He doesn’t answer. “Are you staying at Danny’s now?” I ask.

“Yes, him and Diane are letting me stay in the spare room until I can sort a few things out. It shouldn’t be too long though.”

“You didn’t have to do it like this you know. You could have stayed in the spare room here until you sorted yourself out.”

“I know but...I had to leave before I changed my mind.” He stares at me for a second as though he is contemplating his next sentence. “I don’t want this, Paige.”

“Then why are you doing it?” I ask bewildered.

“Because it’s the right thing to do; this situation is breaking us. I don’t want to see you hurt or look at the pity in your eyes every time they look at me.”

“I don’t pity you, Rick. I love you,” I breathe.

“I know but you love someone else, too.”

“He’s not
real.”
I say in frustration.

“Does that change the feelings that you have for him?” I look away, embarrassed. “I’m not blaming you. I just want you to be happy. This isn’t making you happy and I’m not happy either.”

“I’m sorry,” I whisper. I cry. I’ve been crying a hell of a lot lately, I’m sick of it.

“Don’t cry, Paige.”

“I’m sorry.”

He looks at me for a second before pulling me into his arms.

“It’s just hard. I miss you,” I whisper against his chest.

“I miss you, too.”

“Then come home,” I plead.

“I can’t.”

“You can. We can try harder this time,” I say, looking up at him. He shakes his head but I can see that I am breaking him down. “It’s been one day and I know that you’re missing me as much as I miss you. Can you really keep doing this?” I ask, staring up at him.

“Don’t,” he whispers.

“I
need
you, Rick.”

“Paige...”

I silence him by placing my lips softly against his. He doesn’t move but he doesn’t push me away either. I press my lips more firmly against his, ignoring the tears that have spilled down my cheeks. I wait for him to do something. He remains perfectly still.

“Rick...please...” I whisper against his lips before allowing my tongue to slowly part his lips. He gives in, I feel it, the moment that he does. I relish in my victory but I don’t pause for fear that he will stop. His hands find my waist and he pulls me against him roughly. My hands travel up his body until they are resting firmly on his chest. I lay them flat against his chest and just breathe him in. I feel the passion in his kiss. He needs this as much as I do. My hands find their way to the back of his neck and I push his lips against mine desperately. His tongue never stops exploring the depths of my mouth as he walks me eagerly to our bedroom. I can’t see where we are going but I keep my eyes closed and let him lead the way.

I hear the door slam off the wall as he pushes it open with my back. He lowers me gently onto the bed, never breaking the kiss. I feel his weight sink against my body. His body fits every dip and curve of mine and I pang for him. His hands explore my body as though he is touching it for the first time: my face, my neck, my breasts, my stomach, in between my thighs...everywhere. His touch is familiar yet so foreign. I feel like I am on fire. My skirt is lifted and my panties are discarded on the floor. My breathing is reckless. He parts from the kiss for a second to look into my eyes. He pushes inside me slowly, his eyes a dark mass of emotions. Instinctively my body moves in time with his. My eyes are closed and his lips are back on mine. Every bad memory and moment is wiped out by this one. It is too much...it leaves no space for anything else...for anyone else. The feeling is euphoric and mind blowing. I feel detached from reality just for this moment as though my problems cease to exist and he is right there with me, lost in it too.

His hands clasp mine as he reaches the edge. He entwines our fingers and I almost lose my mind. He squeezes my hands so tight and I squeeze back. He pushes into me several times before I feel it; the moment when I completely disappear from reality. It’s the moment where I reach the highest high. My body shakes and my breathing is uncontrollable. I keep my eyes closed, trying to think straight. He becomes limp on top of me, our hands stay clasped. I take steady breaths. My lips are vibrating and my legs are weak. I can’t move...not yet.

I lie still for seconds...minutes...I’m not sure. I try to gain a grasp on reality. I feel him roll off me. My eyes stay closed. I’m not happy, neither am I sad; I am in between...feeling something that I cannot explain. I feel movement and my eyes open. I turn my head and my heart stops.

He looks...
guilty
.

Time stands still. I want to cry but I don’t. I just stare at him and then I start laughing. It’s a sad, weak laugh. I watch as he zips up his trousers in silence. I pull down the hem of my skirt and slowly sit up. I shake my head once...twice...three times. I feel sick. How did I not see it? How did I not
feel
it in the way that he made love to me?
A quick fix.

“I’m so stupid.” I keep my eyes locked on him as I speak. “That was goodbye, wasn’t it?”

“I’m sorry,” he sounds remorseful. I feel like I’m about to throw up.

“I think you should leave.”

“Paige, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to lead you on...I just...”

“Just what? Wanted to mess around with my feelings? Congratulations...goal achieved.” I am disgusted with myself. I feel empty.

“Paige...”

“Just leave, please...I need to be alone.”

He nods in defeat and then walks away. I don’t look at him as he leaves. He takes his key out of his pocket, places it on the dresser and turns to me before he is about to go.

“Goodbye, Paige.”

I don’t answer. I pull my legs up to my chest and try to cover my shame. I feel dirty and used. I just want him to leave before the tears appear. He watches me for a moment before walking away. I hate that I can smell him on me, on my sheets, in the room. I get up angrily and start stripping the bed. I throw all of the sheets onto the floor. I grab my panties from off the floor and throw them on top of the pile. I pick it all up and stalk angrily into the kitchen. I open the washer and push them inside. They won’t fit. I push against them but it’s no use. I keep pushing and pushing until I am screaming. I am kicking at them with my feet, demanding that they fit. I pull them out and start throwing them all over the kitchen floor. Then I kick them in frustration before sinking onto the floor with them. I clutch at the sheets and inhale deeply. I take in the memories, the betrayal...I take in him. I’m mad because I still love him. I’m mad because I know that he’s right, that he has to leave but my heart doesn’t understand. My heart is breaking in two and it hurts. It hurts so damn bad.