Closed Off To You (Singing Star Trilogy #1) (18 page)

I glanced at Lizzie, wondering what had been said between her and Nathan. If she wasn’t attracted to him, why did she warn him away from me? Did she want him herself? Was she pleading ignorance and pretending that she was innocent, when really she wanted him?

“I can see that you don’t believe me. Trust me. He likes you more than you think he does and that’s a fact. I can see that. He told me that, too.” Lizzie grabbed my other hand, pleading with just a look.

“This really isn’t the time or place,” Ella pleaded.

She was right. Concentrating on Nathan would not help my nerves. I had to swallow the knot in my throat so I could face what was coming. We had to gel as a group and perform our best. If we wanted to stay on the show, we had to be as focused as possible.

Lizzie hadn’t been completely honest with me. Why hadn’t she told me about the conversation with Nathan the day before? What had been said that made her tell him to leave me alone? I still couldn’t shake off my suspicion.

“Okay, girls,” the producer said.

“We’re women!” Ella shouted as our group name was called and the crowd burst into applause.

The producer waved us onto the stage. We totted up the steps, not exactly ladylike. The stage seemed bigger than it was earlier in the day. I kept my head down, trying my hardest to step evenly towards my designated spot.

When we reached our position, the music started. I lifted my head and looked out into the crowd. My body went solid, even though I couldn’t see how many people there were. The darkness held a lot of eyes. Why was I even there?

I had put myself out for my friends to do something that I didn’t want to do to just because I felt guilty. Lizzie didn’t even have the decency to tell me what had happened between her and Nathan. I had never doubted my best friend before because she had always been honest. Why did she all of a sudden keep secrets from me?

I glanced over to her as she opened her mouth and started to sing the song. My palms sweated against the microphone. I had to keep a tight grip in order not to drop it. When it was time for me to join in, I opened my mouth and let the words soar out from me. I felt the emotion behind them, forgetting how much I related to what the song portrayed.

As the others moved around the stage, I traced the rehearsed steps perfectly. Just like a robot. Not like myself. Melissa.

It wasn’t me, it wasn’t us. We had never been a group.

My mind went blank as I pushed the thoughts away and concentrated on the lyrics. My heart started to crack as I realised something. The song spoke about true love and connection. I had never felt them in my life.

Ella caught my attention, smiling gently when our gaze met. She was so kind, and yet, I had hardly paid her any attention in the last month. Mentally shaking myself, I closed my eyes and felt the emotion that wanted to come up. My eyes teared up as the words reflected the heartache I hadn’t allowed myself to feel. Not just for Nathan, but my whole life. My past. My friends. My longed for future.

The song came to an end, quicker than I thought possible. We walked centre stage and stood together, waiting for the judges to let us know what they thought.

“It’s that woman from outer space,” one of them said.

The audience laughed. They would have seen the introductory episode of the auditions the week before.

“I can tell that you’ve still not quite found a home here.”

The audience booed as I ducked my head. When I heard their support, I looked directly into the judge’s eyes and smiled.

“I think you were fine. A little bit shaky at first, due to nerves, which is to be expected. Otherwise, I think you’ve got great potential.” Another judge was kinder than the first.

The last judge tilted his head to the side as he studied us. “You certainly look the part, but I’m not sure you’ve got the talent to pull through. You’re the oldest group in the whole competition. You’ve got a lot to prove.”

We weren’t allowed to say anything. We had been told to stand there and take whatever criticism the judges offered. After that, a presenter would introduce our next song without speaking to us. He did exactly that, not elaborating on what any of the judges had said.

We went back to our starting positions. I glanced at Lizzie over my shoulder. She offered me a beaming smile, apparently content with what she had just heard. She had forgotten our conversation in the excitement of being on stage. I was genuinely happy for my best friend. Being in the limelight suited her.

Our next song was our favourite. It was loud and fun, unlike the first one, which was a little depressing. For the first time in the contest, I allowed myself to get as excited as my two best friends. We danced as well as we could. Our efforts were not exactly amazing, but I didn’t care. I shook my hips and let my voice carry to unite with my bandmates.

When the song finished, the crowd went mad. They clapped and cheered, which made me smile. It was nice that they had enjoyed it.

“That was better. You seemed much more comfortable. Still…there’s some really tough competition,” my nice judge told us.

I bit my lip, even though I knew that what he said was true. I had known all along. We were the novelty act. The one that showed how good the others contestants were.

“I’m surprised you did that song. It’s a bit dated,” the young female judge said.

Time suspended and slowed down as I realised that I had made a huge mistake. The audience laughed along with the judges. I glanced at Lizzie and Ella, but they were oblivious. They had no idea what was happening.

We were holding onto our youth. Refusing to be the women that we should be. The whole world laughed at us. Not in a nasty way, but they were laughing all the same.

“I must admit, I’m surprised you got through.”

The harsh comment was met with boos from the crowd. They didn’t appreciate what the judge had said. It didn’t matter, it made good TV. That was the whole point of it.

The presenter thanked the judges for their feedback and asked us to leave the stage. I followed my friends, lagging behind as they walked down the steps and stopped at the bottom.

“Melissa was right,” Ella muttered as she glared at the producers.

One of them asked us to make our way to the green room. We would have to pretend to be happy as cameras milled around, filming our reaction to other contestants’ performances.

“I’m sorry,” Ella said to me as our high heels clicked down the corridor and we went into the green room.

I didn’t have a chance to reply before we were bombarded with producers. Glancing across the room, my gaze landed on Nathan. He chatted to the group of female contestants. It didn’t look as if he had seen our performance. Probably too engrossed in chatting up the girls.

“That was tough,” one of the acts said as we passed the table.

There was a big screen on the wall where we could watch the other performances. I smiled gratefully to the kind person. Another contestant grabbed my hand as I passed and squeezed before letting go.

“Thank you,” I muttered as we reached our table.

Sitting on the sofa, I ignored the pity stares around us.

“That was the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me.” Lizzie’s pretty blue eyes shone with unshed tears.

I held her fingers and looked at the big screen as the next contestant went on stage. I had suffered many embarrassments in my life. It was part of me, I was prone to doing silly things. “It’s not as bad as we think it is. I told you we were the novelty act, that’s just the way it is.”

Lizzie looked over her shoulder, towards Nathan. My back stiffened as she grabbed my elbow and tugged. “Melissa, I want to tell you everything that was said between Nathan and me. It wasn’t a lot. We spoke about you the whole time. I promise. I know you think I like him…”

I glanced in the same direction that Lizzie had just looked. Nathan waved when he noticed me watching. He was getting prepared for his performance. Producers talked to him, telling him what to expect.

“I think he cares for you much more than he’s letting on. Don’t push him away.”

My gaze snapped to her. Push him away? He didn’t want me. How could I push someone away when they didn’t want me?

I fought the urge to bite my lip, aware that I would smudge my lipstick. A cheer went up in the room when the next contestant finished their first song. The judges liked them much more than they had liked us.

“Let’s talk about it later. When this is over.” I couldn’t concentrate with all the noise.

Ella leant forward, looking around Lizzie. “The universe wanted us to do this for some reason. Whatever that reason, it will be great in the end.”

We snorted, all three of us at the same time. The sound of talking drowned out our hysterical laughter. We had to be careful that the camera didn’t catch us. The live filming didn’t stop on stage. A link to the green room was shown to the judges and audience every once in a while.

“I’ve got a new name for our group,” I said.

The others waited expectantly as I paused for effect. No matter what happened, they would always be my best friends. It wasn’t worth worrying about men when it came to the two most important people in my life. They knew me better than I knew myself. They accepted me more than anyone ever had.

“The Three Spinsters,” I said. “You’re included this time, Lizzie.”

Our laughter continued, and when the camera came to us, we didn’t stop. I looked up at the screen, cringing when I saw how unattractive I looked when I laughed. My lips pulled back from my teeth, and my stomach rolls showed where I slouched. It didn’t matter. It made me laugh even harder.

“Stop it!” Lizzie said suddenly.

I wouldn’t. No matter what happened during the rest of the show, at least I could say that I had finally seen who I was. And that person was living in the past.

“I thought you were good. I don’t know why they’re making such a fuss.” Nathan appeared next to me.

His shoulders were back, his head held high. He was ready to fight. He seemed to want it more than we did. His passion for singing was obviously stronger than we were aware. That was the problem. I didn’t know him. He hadn’t even mentioned anything when we had joked about our own audition.

“We were awful. There’s no need to pretend,” I muttered without looking at him.

I kept my gaze on the big screen as the other contestants left the stage. Nathan’s hand brushed the small of my back when I sat forward. My breath hitched as the contact sent a thrill straight down my spine.

“Will you wish me luck?” he whispered into my ear.

Others must have been watching us. They must have seen how close he was to me. It wasn’t good for him.

“You don’t need luck, you’re amazing.” I finally looked at him. His gaze softened, the intensity made me take a deep breath. “But good luck, anyway.”

A smile lit his face as he got to his feet. He turned and followed the producer to the corridor that led to the stage. It was his turn next. Why had he come to see me? Everything about him was baffling.

“I told you he likes you,” Lizzie said, linking her fingers through mine and resting our hands on her thigh. She had done the same with Ella. A show of solidarity.

“I think he likes you lots, and lots, and lots,” Ella piped up.

Staying quiet, I frowned to myself. I hadn’t even told them about our last sexy encounter. Something in me didn’t want them to know how easily I had given in. It wasn’t like they wouldn’t understand, but I was slightly ashamed that I had gone against my own counsel and slept with him again.

“I think you’re both mad. Once this is over, we’ll go back to the way we were. I miss writing.”

The corner of my lips lifted as I realised how true my words were. Writing was my passion, my life purpose. Not singing, like the majority of the other contestants competing on Singing Star. I had a long way to go until I was doing my dream job, but I would get there.

“Things are never going to be the same. This adventure has brought up a lot of stuff we need to think about.” Ella stared pointedly at us.

Processing her words, I contemplated all that had happened in such a short space of time. Whenever Ella talked about soul growth and the universe, I tuned out. Her most recent statement was valid. Our adventure on the stage had opened my eyes. Life was too short to be stuck in a place where you no longer fitted in.

“I’m ready to have more adventures…as an adult. I don’t want to pretend we’re still young.” Lizzie looked at me from under her eyelids and stuck out her bottom lip.

Her expression was pathetic, but funny at the same time. I put my arm around her and guided her head to my shoulder. Patting her back, I cooed at her.

“Seriously. I’m not a bloody baby,” Lizzie exclaimed, pushing me away as she laughed.

Ella pointed at the screen as Nathan came on stage. “You can be a baby sometimes.”

Ella’s serious expression made Lizzie pout even more. Our friend sulked sometimes. There was nothing wrong with that. We accepted her as she was.

“The crowd are going mad for him. I wouldn’t be surprised if he goes quite far,” Lizzie said.

The cheer of the audience in the arena sounded around us. The other contestants fell silent when Nathan opened his mouth. He started to sing the same song he’d sang in my flat only weeks before. It was a song about heartbreak. And loss. It almost felt like he sang it to me.