Confessions of a Backup Dancer (12 page)

I guess we were being punished for having any fun last night and I heard darla and darcy arguing in low voices in the hall about how much gas is in the Navigator's tank. they were like whisper-yelling, like they're always doing on soaps. “But it's MY car mama!”

“It's OUR car baby. But you need your sleep!”

“Yeah so I can make more money for you?!”

“Is that how you talk to your mama?”

this is nothing like their public relationship. I mean, the two of them act like best buds on camera. if only people could hear the way they scream at each other in person. I even heard the word “bitch,” twice. But I just kept my eyes on my banana.

evan was staying in my room, and I just let him keep sleeping. I figured I'd probably be back before he got up anyway. I told him to sleep or watch tv and not to come out. I just hoped darla wouldn't wander in there and find him. I could just picture her now. she'd probably accuse me of having underage boys up to my room. not that there's any rule or anything about having guests, and I do pay rent don't I? anyway I just don't really need to be messing with darla at ALL. especially today when I can barely see straight.

I went over to darcy and smiled at her. I go, How are you? are you ok?

and she goes, Yeah why wouldn't I be ok?

and I go, But after last night?

and she just goes, Of course I'm ok! are YOU ok? are you ready to dance? we need 110% today.

and I go, but what about jesse?

and she looked at me with cross-eyes and goes, “what do
you mean? you mean Jesse Nixon? whatever, who cares.”

part of me was like ok, sorry for asking. damn! I guess we were back to Diva Darcy, we left Cool Chick Darcy way behind. but she wasn't being mean or anything. she just seemed incredibly focused.

anyway we danced all morning, hard, until 12:30. I've never sweated so much in my life. I think Darla told Rashid to drill us extra hard. that wasn't unusual all by itself, but there was definitely something different going on today.

all of a sudden, everyone seems really anxious about how soon the tour is. everyone's all “ten days till St. Louis ten days till St. Louis! that's where the tour starts off. anyway I have a feeling that things aren't going to be as loose as last night from now on. there's a sense of dread in the air.

anyway after this morning's session, which I don't mind saying totally sucked, I raced back to D-Zone, woke up evan, and gave him $15 for cab fare back to the bus station. oh and $16 for the bus.

Then I gave him another fifty bucks. what can I say, my first check was deposited on friday. (instead of $2,000 it was more like $400, what with all the “rent” and “private lessons” and “management fees” they took straight out of my check but whatever.) I told him to behave.

quit acting like my mother, he said.

I was like, Someone needs to act like your mother, Evan. I know you're not getting it at home. he laughed.

I loaded him into his taxi, waved goodbye, and headed back to the studio. I've still got an hour to work on that transition before we start group rehearsals again.

MONDAY JUNE 10

D-ZONE, LATE

Outfit:
I à©©Darcy Barnes tee. I cut the sleeves off.

Mood:
Pumped.

Fortune:
Bite your tongue and remember.

To:
Tito_T

From:
kaykay4real

Date:
Monday June 10 Time: 10:15
PM

Subject:
getting THERE

I finally met Jesse Nixon today. where do I start? for starters he's as cute as he looks on TV and stuff. And taller than I thought … he's a good package overall. He needs to cool it with the trucker hats but whatever. Anyway, he's a total player. He was in the pit with darcy and I was the only one there, watching tv on the couch. darcy was like that's k.k. she's the new girl in the crew. he totally came up and sat right next to me, I mean RIGHT next to me … started rapping. “New girl! New girl! When you gonna do me girl?” I was like ew but I didn't want to cause a scene so I just laughed and squirmed away. He squirmed after me. I was officially grossed out. Darcy goes “leave
her alone!” and they left. It was gross. Dude we are working so hard. I'm so sorry I haven't written. I totally haven't been able to even concentrate hardly at all. Thanks for lending Evan that money last week. Did he pay you back yet? I gave him some $$. If he didn't, let me know so I can kick his ass. We've been dancing like 12 hours a day. For the first few days, I was just so tired at the end of the day that I thought I would just totally pass out. But now that I'm really starting to get the routines down, I'm getting better. my abs are seriously tight right now! and darla hasn't commented on my weight in days. anyway, darcy continues her totally schizo behavior … but added all up, I think I like her pretty well. and don't believe everything you read about “best friends.” You are my one and only, tito. forever and ever.

Anyway I'm starting to get pretty freaked out about the show. it's coming up in nine days. I have nine days to get perfect. and the thing is, I still haven't really bonded with the dancers. I still get looks from them like I'm some kind of amateur. I guess it's because I'm younger than them but I
can't help feeling they're annoyed that I'm friends with darcy or something. what do you think? it's not like they want me to fail, but they don't want me to be too good or something. I don't know. I don't get it, I thought we were supposed to work together. Why aren't you here with me?

L8er,

Kelly aka K.K.

PS—Punkin the Pekinese is seriously annoying.

The rest of the day sucked completely. I mean, it started out well enough. I felt like I was starting to go THERE in a couple of places.

rashid even asked me to be, like, darcy's stand-in on a few of the numbers since she wasn't there. (maybe she had a photo shoot or went off with jesse, who knows?) the guys (armand and jes—s) used me to practice the lift that they normally do with darcy.

as a crew we really nailed some stuff. when we came to the end of “Indentured to Me,” I was like hang on guys I have to take a whiz. I bolted for the bathroom because I seriously needed to pee! they laughed behind me. for the first time it sounded like they were laughing with me instead of at me.

but just as I was about to shut the door behind me someone blocked it open. I knew it was darla even before I saw her—I smelled peaches.

I peeked around and looked up at her. her lipstick was fresh, her hair was perfect and even through her wraparound sunglasses I could tell she had the LOOK on.

“you looked really good out there today K.K.,' she goes. “you seem to be picking up on the moves right.” I mumbled thanks and tried to walk past her into the bathroom. “it's a good thing you've learned the stuff because we open next week.”

and again I started mumbling, this time about how psyched I was and how much work I know we need to do but we'll get there. and then she goes, “that's nice to hear that you're dedicated. But K.K. let me be very clear”—and she actually put her hand on my shoulder all faking like she was being sensitive or caring or some-thing—“rashid seems to think you're very talented, and you seem to have no problem doing anyone's steps, including darcy's. but let's all remember why we're here, we're here because of darcy. she is the star and the reason we have jobs, and do you know why darcy is here? darcy is here because of me. and no matter what was running through your mind during today's rehearsals, no matter what rashid or any of the others asked you to do, it's entirely inappropriate for you to sub in for darcy's steps, even in rehearsal, you are NOT the star here, do you understand? darcy has enough competition from pashmina, britney, and all the rest, don't even THINK that you'll ever be added to that list.”

she stepped closer. I was totally cornered and near panic.

I just looked at her as blankly as I could even though I was terrified on the inside. “I know all of you teen girls have dreams of making it big. maybe they even told you back in, where was it, santa cruz? santa barbara? wherever, maybe they even told you that you had what it takes to make it big. everyone says things like that to make girls like you, regular girls with regular hair and regular bodies, feel better.”

“actually come to think of it, it was probably good for them to have to lift you today. next to lifting you, lifting darcy will be a breeze for them.”

OUCH, I thought. this is only going to get worse. I stared at the floor, unable to stop blinking.

“but I digress, you see, K.K., stardom doesn't happen for girls like you, ever. it only happens for girls like darcy, girls who are not regular. girls who are special, you, K.K., are a support player. backup, your only purpose here is to make darcy look good, that means getting the moves down and not screwing up. it does NOT mean standing out. after all, we can't all be darcy barnes, now, can we? it would be silly to spend your whole life dreaming about being a star. because for you, that's impossible. have I made myself clear?”

I just stared at her mouth. I started blinking really fast so I wouldn't cry. I refused to let her make me cry. she actually reached out to grab my chin and pull my face up but I jerked away. “let me say again, JJ., I mean K.K., that we're all just thrilled to have you here.”

thanks I mumbled. just then that Pekinese stuck its head up out of her purse and sneezed. I'm sorry, I like animals and all, but ick.

I wanted to bop it on the head. I didn't. I just concentrated on breathing, slowly, deeply, carefully.

Darla went on. “and just so you know, I won't be telling darcy about this little chat or the incident this afternoon …” again with the mumbling: thanks, and then she goes, “remember, I'll be watching from behind the glass, cheering you guys on throughout all your rehearsals.” with that she turned and left. I closed the door of the bathroom, turned to the mirror, and stared at myself for about an eighth of a second before bursting into big sloppy gaspy blubbery snotty really wet sobs.

I cried for a while before I realized that for all I knew darla was watching me from behind THAT mirror too.

I wanted out, out of everything, but only for a minute, when I thought about evan, when I thought about the money, I changed my mind. I need to nail this gig. I want every penny owed to me. this could be evan's ticket out. not to mention my own.

MONDAY JUNE 10

D-ZONE, 11
PM

Rashid just left. he came up to my room a little while ago to see how I was doing. I guess it was pretty obvious that I was upset after I came back out of the bathroom. maybe it was the fact that I was beet red … not just my skin but my eyes and he totally figured out why.

at first when he knocked I was kind of thinking, um, leave me alone you totally ruined my day by having me sub in for darcy when you knew that darla was watching. but then I decided to let him in because it wasn't fair to blame him. we were just practicing, right? I'd even forgotten that darla would be watching.

he said to me, “look, it's cool. darla can be tough. I know I put you in a rough spot. I apologize, and believe me I won't do that again. but you're really good, girl. you've got IT, like I said. I saw in your face today that you, what do you call it, got THERE while you were dancing. you are the real thing, Kel.” I love it when he calls me that. No one else on the tour ever does. He's the only person who sees me.

Then he told me that sometimes I need to keep my realness to myself. sometimes it makes the other dancers feel threatened or something. he said that he knows the hardest thing for me isn't going to be the dancing. it's going to be learning how to deal with
everything else. like being treated roughly by the people in charge and having to put up with second-class treatment and having to practically beg for raises and having to stay on your toes with everyone else 24/7. but he says he thinks they're chilling out and who knows maybe I'll make friends.