F My Life
Authors: Maxime Valette
Moments of Shame
Surviving embarrassment, thanks to self-mockery
It’s Just Not Fair!
You didn’t ask for it, but you got it anyway
You Shouldn’t Have Even Bothered …
You made your bed, now sleep in it
Shit Out of Luck
In the wrong place at the wrong time
Rock Bottom
Just when you thought you’d hit a new low
The Banes of Our Existence
When all that’s wrong with the world is condensed into one person
of FML
It all started in a chat room. A few buddies in France got into the habit of telling each other the crappy things that had happened to them that day—what made their day completely suck. The forum then became a blog in January 2008, and we named it Vie de Merde (“Shitty Life”). As interest in these stories began to reach a wider audience, the website grew and grew, and we just knew we had to welcome the entire English language aboard our mission.
Fmylife.com
soon had visitors from all around the globe. Quickly we realized something
very
interesting: that the same kind of shitty events occur all over the world, every day, to all sorts of people. There is a kind of solidarity among all countries when it comes to misfortune. We are all in a big, international pile of crap. We are in it together, the one sad worldwide universality in life.
We can definitely say that it is all Maxime’s fault. He started all this by messing around on the Web, coming up with the concept and then the French website. Guillaume later joined him to help out, and after a while they asked Didier to take part in the F My Life adventure. This is how the whole thing started and continues to carry on.
We’d like to thank the literally thousands and thousands of people who had the requisite sense of humor and self-deprecation to send us their tales of troubles and strife. It’s become a gold mine of crap and embarrassment, and it’s amazing. But working in a mine, you have to push that little bit harder to extract the real gems, which is now our full-time job. Of course, the joy of finding a new story that makes us smile or laugh is still fresh for all of us. This is gold, people! Keep it up!
Enjoy!
Embarrassment, rejection, getting unceremoniously dumped—some of us are used to such occurrences by now and have nearly turned them into a new art form. In small doses, shame can be a good thing; it teaches us to be humble and provides an instant cure for arrogance. If those who have survived the worst are able to tell their story, it means they’re still standing. (Sort of.) Which just goes to show that self-mockery might be one of the world’s most useful survival instincts….
Today, thinking I was being very generous, I lent my jacket to my new co-worker. Maybe I should have checked my pockets first. I’m not sure that having three different flavors of condoms made a good impression. FML
Today I was at work at the grocery store, and a woman pulled a cart toward me filled with chips, breads, lunch meats, and sodas. I said to her, “Looks like you’re going to have a fun party!” She looked back at me and said, “My mother just died. This is for after the funeral.” FML
Today I ate at a friend’s house. When she left the table for a few minutes, her five-year-old son looked at me and said quietly, “You’re ugly!” When my friend came back, I told her what had happened. She scolded him briefly, and then the boy began to cry, shouting, “But she isn’t pretty!” FML
Today my boyfriend was lying on top of me and looking at me with passion in his eyes. I thought he was finally going to tell me he loved me. But instead he said, “You have a booger.” FML
Today I’m in Spain. In Spanish, I told my students that I was excited to be working with them. However, the form of the word for “excitement” that I used apparently refers to sexual excitement. So I actually told the kids I was sexually aroused to be working with them. FML
Today while I was out having a drink with a pretty girl, she looked at my crotch and said with a smile, “There’s something burning down there.” I smiled back, but she was insistent. Cigarette ashes had set my trousers on fire. FML
Today when I woke up, my husband was already out of bed. Thinking I was hearing him padding by in the hall, I shouted, “Get that cock in here right now!” A voice replied, “He’s gone out to get some bread.” It was my mother-in-law. FML
Today I put my hand up in class. I forgot that I hadn’t shaved my armpits. FML
Today a child sitting next to me on the bus pointed at me and asked, “Mommy, if it’s not a man and it’s not a woman, what is it then?” FML
Today I had a job interview at a restaurant that was opening up. One manager asked me why I should be hired. I said I was more efficient than most people. When the interview was over, I left to find that I’d locked my keys in the car. It took all the managers to help me get my keys out. FML
Today I decided to practice putting a condom on with my mouth. My roommate walked in on me while I was using my mouth to roll a condom onto a banana. FML
Today I had the first meeting with my new bosses. We went to a restaurant for lunch. I choked on a piece of meat and couldn’t breathe. I had to take that piece of meat out of my throat with my fingers and then put it back on my plate all chewed up. FML
Today I played in a tennis tournament. After winning, I went to shake my opponent’s hand. He didn’t react or move. It was only the first set. FML
Today I was walking through Borders bookstore with my girlfriend when we passed a stand selling Girl Scout cookies. I saw a box of Samoas, my favorite, so I pointed to them and shouted, “YEAH!” My girlfriend looked shocked. Behind the box of cookies was a nine-year-old scout bending over, with her bottom pointed at me. FML
Today I had an important appointment for a potential job. During the interview, my cell phone rang. My ringtone is the theme song from
Inspector Gadget.
FML
Today I made love to my girlfriend. I penetrated her for a while, then stopped to get my breath back. She carried on moaning, even though I’d stopped moving. FML
Today I went to a plastic surgeon’s office with a friend. The doctor walked in, and before he could look at the chart, he started explaining the liposuction procedure to me. I had to interrupt him to tell him that I was only there to support my friend who was getting a nose job. FML
Today I dressed in my sexiest clothes (Gucci and Prada, worth a real fortune) to meet my new boyfriend at a restaurant. As I was a bit early, I took the opportunity to smoke a cigarette outside in front of the door while I was waiting. The restaurant owner came out and said, “Hey, you! Go and ‘work’ somewhere else, please.” FML
Today, to amuse my girlfriend, I put on her sexy nightshirt and went out on the balcony for a smoke, wriggling about in front of her window. She laughed, until one of her neighbors shouted “Hello!” from the upper floor, grinning at the show. FML
Today, at a rehearsal, a friend poked me and said, “My mother is in the orchestra. Guess who she is!” I jokingly answered, “Umm the fat singer?” It was. FML
Today, in the supermarket, everybody was staring at me. After ten minutes, I realized that my umbrella was still open. FML
Today my wife and I went to a wedding. At 1:00 in the morning (when the cake was being served), we were starting to fall asleep at the table, so we went to our car to take a short nap. When we woke up, at about 5:00, the party was over. FML
Today it’s been two weeks since I lost my virginity, and I’ve already had sex with three guys. FML
Today I received a really nice set of red satin underwear, with a bra, a thong, and a corset… from my grandfather. FML
Today I fell asleep on the train, totally wiped out after the previous night’s party, which featured lots of booze and very spicy Indian food. I woke up and noticed a small boy in the seat in front of me staring back at me. I smiled at him, and then he turned to his father and said, “Daddy, the farting man just woke up.” FML
Today, as a med student in my sixth year, I spent the whole day in surgery. No one told me that what I was wearing on my feet was actually supposed to be put over my hair. FML
Today my watch broke, so I mentioned to my dad that I needed a new one. A bit later he handed me a really nice watch. He said, “Here, this one’s been lying around for a while.” It was his Father’s Day present. FML
Today a co-worker and I walked out of our office at the same time. He got into his car, which was parked right out front. I asked him what I had to do to get a sweet parking spot like that. He proceeded to roll up his pant leg and show me his prosthesis. He was in the handicapped spot. FML
Today I thought I was going on a date. About twenty minutes into it, like a true gentleman, I gave her my arm to hold. It came up in conversation that my brother is gay. Her response: “Oh, so both you and your brother are gay?” FML
Today my boyfriend and I were looking for our bubble-gum-flavored numbing lotion to have some morning fun. We couldn’t find it anywhere. After about ten minutes, my little nephew walked out of my room crying, with drool coming out of his mouth. He smelled like bubble gum, and his mouth and tongue were numb. FML
Today, as I came out of a store dressing room, I gave all the stuff I’d tried on to a saleswoman. Then I walked off, making it a couple of steps before I changed my mind and decided to purchase one of the items. When I got back, the saleswoman was spraying the changing room I’d used with deodorant. FML
Today, while on a date with the guy of my dreams, I cut my tongue so badly it bled for an hour. I had cut it on the plastic spoon from my coffee. FML
Today I got together at a bar with a small group of friends. I went to order a drink, but with all the music and noise, the bartender couldn’t hear what I was trying to say, so he leaned forward, cocking his ear toward me. I thought he was being very friendly, so I kissed him. FML
Today I was at an interview for a music school. When I got my guitar out of its case, I realized that my friends had thought it would be funny to replace my real guitar with one from the Guitar Hero video game. FML
Today I went home for my grandma’s ninety-fifth birthday. When I got there, she noticed my new tongue piercing and asked why I would get that done. Before I could reply, my cousin said, “So she can make the boys happier when she’s sucking on them.” She’s nine years old. FML
Today I had to give a speech about fire safety onstage at a local preschool. I’m thirty-two years old, and I passed out on the stage because I was intimidated by a group of four-year-olds. FML