F My Life (9 page)
Authors: Maxime Valette
Today I woke up to find that my car had been broken into. I was upset about not hearing my car alarm go off, until I realized that it
had
gone off in the middle of the night. I had woken up, cursed the idiot who had set off the alarm, put a pillow over my head, and fallen back to sleep. FML
Today my friends and I were drinking boba, a type of East Asian tea. On the side of the cup it said, “Please drink carefully to avoid choking on the boba.” I started to laugh at the ridiculousness of the label and proceeded to choke on the boba in a coughing fit. FML
Today, when I was shaving, I wanted to see what I looked like with a Hitler mustache. Since I was shaving anyway, I just left that part and figured I’d shave it off later. I was messing around my room for a while, and then I forgot about it. Later that day, I ran into my girlfriend’s parents. FML
Today I went for a jog in my neighborhood. While I was running, I passed my girlfriend’s parents, who were out for a walk. Trying to make a good impression, I stopped to talk. When I got home, I realized I was wearing a shirt that friends had given me as a joke. It said: “Blow me, bitch. It’s my b-day.” FML
Today I babysat three-year-old twins. They have a huge dry-erase board hanging between their beds. After they fell asleep, I was bored and drew a very large, detailed penis on the board. When I went to erase it, I realized I had used a permanent marker. FML
Today my child said to me, “Mommy, sometimes my peepee goes up like a stick.” I said, “Well, honey, that’s normal and okay.” Then I asked when it does that. He replied, “Sometimes when I’m watching
Scooby-Doo
and Shaggy comes out dressed in lady clothes.” FML
Today I met a really nice couple at a bar. We talked, and the conversation eventually drifted toward online dating. I casually commented that hooking up through the Internet was sad and pathetic. They had met on MySpace. FML
Today I was giving my boyfriend a hickey when I felt something squirt into my mouth. I had popped a pimple on his neck into my mouth. FML
Today I found an old dress lying around in my house. I decided to dye it green to wear on St. Patrick’s Day. It turned out to be my grandmother’s wedding dress, which my sister was planning to wear for her wedding. FML
Today I was out on a date with a guy. His hot co-worker came to have a beer with us, and I knew my best friend would think he was gorgeous. I wanted to take a picture of him without him knowing, so I tried holding up my phone and pretending to be texting. The flash went off. FML
Today I celebrated my sixteenth birthday. Thinking that my parents were at work, I decided it would be fun to tan nude in my backyard. My parents had set up a surprise sweet sixteen party for me. I stood naked in front of half my school. FML
Today my mother called me and told me that she had gone to the hospital. This wasn’t a surprise because she normally goes to the hospital for the smallest things. So I was a smart-ass and asked, “What now? You finally have lung cancer from all those cigarettes?” She does. FML
For some people, ending up in the wrong place at the wrong time seems to be an everyday occurrence. We all get unlucky sometimes, but these people seem to be contenders for the Murphy’s Law awards. “It’s not my fault,” they may whine, but sometimes we can’t help wondering if there’s some kind of bad-luck disease or if these people are just genetically programmed to have shit happen to them. Then again, tomorrow’s another day. Or is it?
Today I waited two hours for my turn in the hospital. I was sitting next to an old lady with Alzheimer’s disease who asked me forty-three times if I wanted a cookie. FML
Today it was my birthday. My girlfriend bought me a Nickelback CD. FML
Today I was the only one in an elevator when an attractive girl got in, talking on her phone. She told her friend, “I have to go; there’s a cute guy on this elevator.” Before I could even react, she turned to me and said, “Sorry for lying. I really wanted to get off the phone with her.” FML
Today I was at a restaurant with a girl I like, and as I was getting my wallet out, I dropped a condom. She didn’t see anything, and I waited to pick it up to avoid drawing attention to it. The waiter walked past, picked it up, and held it out to me with a huge grin. FML
Today we got our school yearbooks. I opened to my profile to see that they had misspelled my first name, which is James. They had written “Lames.” FML
Today I bought a fancy new electric razor. I tried it and then washed it out. I started to shake it dry. It was pretty slippery, and it exploded on the floor of my bathroom. The warranty doesn’t cover this. FML
Today my tennis coach showed up to practice in an all-white outfit. I exclaimed, “You’re looking very white today!” He’s black. FML
Today I came home to find a puppy in my backyard. Thinking it was lost or a stray, I took it to the pound. My boyfriend came home and asked me if I had seen my present: the puppy. We went back to the pound to get it, but it had already been adopted. FML
Today I suggested that my mother download Skype so we could video chat while I’m studying in London over the summer. After I had explained how it worked and that it was free, she said, “Well, you’ll only be gone for a few months. It’s not really worth it.” FML
Today, before a big formal banquet, I went to a tanning salon because I wanted to look good in my cocktail dress. I got out of the tanning bed, only to realize that I had left my socks on. FML
Today I was at the airport in India, where the men and women are searched separately. The guy welcoming us pointed me toward the women’s area. It took me fifteen minutes to explain that I’m a guy. FML
Today I was cutting a bagel, only to slice the back of my hand with the knife. As I grabbed paper towels to clean up the blood, I noticed that the bagel had been presliced. FML
Today my wife, in her pristine wedding dress, got her period during the ceremony. How did I find out? The same way everyone else did. FML
Today, at seven in the morning, I ended up outside in a nightgown, barefoot, and in the rain. I found out that my two-year-old son now knows how to close the patio door, which, of course, has no outside door handle. FML
Today I drank a beer that I thought was mine. It wasn’t. Someone had put out their cigarette in it. FML
Today I was trapped for forty minutes in L.A. traffic after a car overturned and all five lanes of the 101 S freeway were closed. When the traffic finally began to move, my car wouldn’t start, because I’d left the headlights on and was listening to the radio. I was in the middle lane of the freeway. FML
Today I was told that my mom and her new husband have named my newborn baby brother “Titan.” FML
Today I went to a club, and my friends and I went up on the stage. A security guard told me to get down, saying that the stage was only for girls. I’m twenty-three, and I’m a girl. FML
Today I was carrying my mug of hot chocolate. When I got to the living room, my sleeve got caught on the door handle. FML
Today I crashed into a ditch on my way home from work. I had to walk two miles in subzero weather before I could pick up a cell phone signal to call a tow truck. When I got back to my car, a cop was waiting for me with a ticket for leaving the scene of an accident. FML
Today it’s my birthday, but I had to go to work. I caught the train and was forced to sit next to this weird, smelly guy, who got off one stop before mine. A little old lady jumped on, so I scooted over to let her have enough room to sit down. Upon exiting the train, I noticed that my pants were wet with the guy’s piss. FML
Today a girl was coming on to me and buying me drinks during a concert. At the end of the evening, she gave me her number so that we could go out. Because of the booze, I forgot it. FML
Today I danced with a girl until the bar closed. We went back to my place. She had a penis. FML
Today I went to the movies with a friend and her grandma. Her grandma was using toothpicks and carelessly dropping them on the ground. I took a big handful of popcorn from the bucket on the floor and got a piece of her toothpick lodged in my throat. FML
Today I decided to lighten my hair color. I applied the dye and waited twenty minutes. When I went to wash the dye out, the water wouldn’t turn on. After my head started to burn, I called the landlord in a panic. There was a water main break and the water was off for the entire city block. FML
Today a ball rolled up to me, so I picked it up and threw it over the school wall. A little boy came up and asked for his ball back. It was Sunday, and the school was closed. FML
Today I fell flat on my ass while running for the subway, only to find out that the train had been standing by for ten minutes. I rode to work with a train full of people who had watched me fall. FML
Today I was on a date with a pretty girl. I attempted to put my arm around her, but elbowed her in the face instead. FML
Today I fell from the top of the stairs, caught myself in the middle, stood up, stepped down one more, tripped, and fell down the rest. FML
Today I left work and, because of the nice weather, decided to walk home across town. Only when I entered my apartment did I notice that the bottom of my miniskirt was tucked into my underwear. FML
Today I was standing on a desk at work changing a light-bulb, since we had no ladder. My phone rang, so I rushed to answer it, tripped, and smashed my leg. It was my boss, calling to tell me that he was bringing a ladder. FML
Today I was visiting my grandmother, and I overheard her having phone sex. FML
Today I was looking after my parents’ house and their dog, and I fell asleep on the couch. The dog proceeded to climb onto my shoulders and rest behind my head like a doggie pillow. She farted right in my left ear. FML
Today I left with my boyfriend and his family on a trip to the tropics. When we got to the airport, security stopped me and opened my carry-on bag. I’d forgotten about the no-liquids rule. His whole family watched them take out bottles of lube, Vagisil, and Nair. FML
Today I farted in my cubicle, thinking no one would smell it. Two seconds later, everyone came to my cubicle to wish me a happy birthday. FML
Today I came home early from work and discovered my husband wearing a black babydoll nightdress, black stockings, and high heels. He says it helps him to relax. FML
Today I was having sex with a guy I had just met. I thought he was about to have an orgasm, but he was having an asthma attack. FML
Today I was walking in the snow and saw a kid slip and fall. I laughed and felt good about myself. Then
I
fell. FML
Today an airline lost my luggage when I was flying back from France. They had also lost my luggage when I flew
to
France. FML
Today I hooked up with this man for the first time. He took off his shirt and I saw that he had a chest full of black hair. His name was shaved into it. FML
Today a really hot guy walked into my office. Wanting to impress him, I picked up the phone and pretended to be making a huge business deal, talking loudly about big sums of money. I put the phone down and smiled seductively at him. He said, “Hi! I’m here to connect your phone lines.” FML
Today I’m twenty, and I’m going bald. FML
Today I fell asleep. I felt something on my face. I batted it away. It was my hamster. It died from hitting the wall. FML
Today I was eating ice cream and I noticed some on my jeans, so I wiped it off with my finger and licked it. It was bird shit. FML
Today I decided to send my boyfriend a picture text of me naked. I accidentally sent it to my dad. He sent a text back, saying, “You definitely take after your mom.” FML
Today I was awarding medals to finalists in a school club. While putting one around someone’s neck, I ended up poking a girl in the eye. She tried to walk across the stage, but her eyes were watering. She missed the step and fell, breaking her ankle. FML
Today I took a picture from afar for my photography course. The shot was of a random adorable couple kissing in the snow. Later, upon closer inspection, I realized that the guy was my boyfriend. FML
Today I woke up to find my car covered in shaving cream and tampons and the word “CHEATER” written on my windshield in lipstick. The guy a few doors down from me has the same car as I do. I’m a virgin. FML