F My Life (8 page)
Authors: Maxime Valette
Today after class I was chatting with my teacher, a really cool and stylish old black guy. I told him that he reminds me of one of those soul dudes from the ’70s movies, right down to the “pimp-walk.” He told me he walks that way because he was beaten for drinking out of the wrong fountain as a kid. FML
Today I was over at my boyfriend’s house, and I heard a strange sound. I laughed and said, “It sounds like a dog throwing up!” He listened for a second and said, “That’s my mom crying downstairs.” FML
Today I asked a very cute fireman for his number “just in case I need you to come to my rescue.” He told me, “Yeah, sure!” and scribbled it down. After he walked away, I read his note. It said: “911.” FML
Today I was walking to a meeting and saw two girls trying to jump-start a car in the rain. Thinking I’d be a gentleman and help them, I offered to assist. The girl whose car had broken down looked at me, then looked at her friend with concern and said, “I think we’d better call the police.” FML
Today I was at work, about to go to lunch. There were some Girl Scouts out front selling cookies. I told my manager that I would be using a different exit. When he asked why, I told him that Girl Scouts really annoy the crap out of me. The Girl Scouts out front were his daughters. FML
Today I was at the school’s rec center, working out for the first time in a while. As I exercised, a very mysteriously attractive girl kept shooting me glances. I asked for her number, and she responded that she would give it to me “if you can lift the same weight as me.” I couldn’t. FML
Today the history class for which I am the teaching assistant was taking a test. About halfway through, I noticed one kid had a small piece of paper in his hand. I ran up the row, grabbed his test, and ripped it into four pieces. Then I looked at the note. It read: “I believe in you. —Mom.” FML
Today a stoplight turned yellow as I was approaching it. I was about to go through, but I saw a cop, panicked, and slammed on the brakes. I ended up in the middle of the intersection and had to reverse. Soon the light turned green, and I stepped on the gas. My car was still in reverse. FML
Today I saw my ex-girlfriend across the street. I was walking with a girl whom I’d been hooking up with, and I wanted to make my ex-girlfriend jealous so I kissed the other girl and she immediately smacked me. I got a “ha-ha!” text from my ex. FML
Today I babysat a five-year-old girl. She ran up to me, threw her arms around my waist, and said,
“Yummy!
I’m going to eat you!” with her face in my crotch. I said sarcastically under my breath, “Finally, some action!” I turned around to find her dad staring at me. FML
Today, during my choral concert, I was helping to turn the pages for the pianist who was accompanying the singers. In the middle of the song, one of the pages slipped and fell into his crotch. In a panic, I frantically reached to grab the music. I grabbed something. It wasn’t the music. FML
Today, when I was out walking, a man pointed a camera at me. I decided to be bitchy about it, so I said, “Did I say you could take a picture?” He replied, “No, but can you get the fuck out of the way so I can take one of my wife and kids?” I turned around. They were right behind me. FML
Today my parents left for work before I had to leave for school, and I decided to skip. I stayed by the phone, expecting the school to call so I could pose as my parent and excuse my absence. The phone rang and I picked up. It was my mom calling to leave my dad a message on the machine. FML
Today I forgot to do my French homework, but since it was an online worksheet I told my teacher that my Internet service wasn’t working. I told her via email. FML
Today I was babysitting a one-year-old. She had just learned how to say yes, so if you asked her
anything,
she’d say yes. I asked her if she liked vegetables, and she said, “Yes!” Then I asked her if I was pretty…. She looked at me and said
“No!”
FML
Today I took my girlfriend to a very nice restaurant. I thought it would be a good place to pop the question. I gave the ring to the waiter and asked him to put it on her dessert plate. When she saw it, she picked it up, put it down, and said, “No.” Then she ate the dessert. FML
Today I met a really attractive guy, who introduced himself as Wyan. He was really cool and sweet, and we got along pretty well. Later someone told me that his name is Ryan and that he has a speech impediment. Throughout the conversation I had been referring to him as Wyan. FML
Today a guy I’ve been on five dates with called me for the first time in two weeks. The first thing I said was, “Don’t expect me to go out with you again after going AWOL on me.” Then he told me his mom had died. FML
Today I went to the movies with some girlfriends. The guy behind us was making pervy heavy-breathing noises, so we threw some popcorn at him. When the lights came up, we saw he was in a wheelchair—with a breathing tube sticking out of his neck. FML
Today I was walking down the street and saw a $20 bill on the ground. I thought it had fallen out of the pocket of the man in front of me, so I decided to do the right thing and ask him if he had dropped it. He said yes and took it. I later realized the $20 was mine. FML
Today I was singing Alicia Keys songs in the shower and hitting the insanely high notes. My father ran into the bathroom and threw open the shower door, shouting. He thought I was wailing in pain. FML
Today I had to run to catch my train, so I didn’t get the chance to buy a ticket first. When the conductor was in sight, I noticed that he was a young man, so I opened my top a little, in the hope that I wouldn’t have to pay. When I told him I hadn’t bought a ticket, he said, “Close your top, I’m gay.” FML
Today I got my first tattoo. It was a surprise for my fiancé: our names together over a heart. I went home, but before I could show him, he said we had to have a “talk.” Now my ex’s name is tattooed on my back. The kicker? I’m allergic to the ink. FML
Today I walked into my house to find everyone sitting around the table looking sad. I thought it would be a good time to crack a joke, so I said, “What’s wrong? Grandma finally die?” She did. FML
Today, while I was out to lunch, my sister called me and asked me to pick her up from the mall. I told her she’d have to wait. She got pissed off and started cursing at me, so I hung up on her. She called me back thirty-seven times, so I finally answered and yelled, “WILL YOU LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE?” It was my boss. FML
Today I was supposed to look at an apartment. Thirty minutes after the time I was to meet the owner, she still hadn’t shown up. I called her. When I got no response, I was annoyed and kept calling and calling, ready to scream at her. Finally she answered: “I’m in the hospital with my father. He just died. Please stop calling me.” FML
Today my mother told me she didn’t want my girlfriend spending the night anymore. I asked why, and she said she had heard us doing the nasty the night before. I denied it, hoping I could call her bluff. She paused for a moment and proceeded to moan
exactly
like my girlfriend. FML
Today I went for a walk with the guy I like. He held my hand, so I decided to tell him that I had feelings for him. He said that he had feelings for me, too. I smiled and leaned in to kiss him. He put his hand on my face and pushed it away, and said, “Until your acne clears, we are
not
together.” FML
Today we watched a movie in class. Afterward, the professor asked us what we thought. I raised my hand and said it was pretentious, dull, and a really poor example of filmmaking. It was the movie he had spent five years writing and directing. FML
Today I saw two lovely ladies leave my neighbor’s house, and a couple of minutes later he walked out. I made the international male “Did you fuck her/them” hand gesture—a horizontal fist pump. They were his daughters. FML
Today I was babysitting a seven-year-old girl, and we were eating chocolate-covered nuts. She kept on chewing the nuts and wondered where the chocolate was. I told her that to taste the chocolate, you had to suck on them. The first thing she told her parents when they got home was “I learned how to suck nuts!” FML
Today a guy informed me that the cute, really tiny leather bracelet with little silver hearts and several snaps that I’d found in a head shop is a cock ring. I’m a girl. FML
Today I was doing a striptease for my husband. He asked me to stop. FML
Today I woke up at my grandparents’ house. Still half asleep, I went to brush my teeth. Midbrush, my mouth started going numb. I inspected the toothpaste. It was my grandpa’s anti-itch anal cream. FML
Today my best friend resolved things with her boyfriend after he had admitted to cheating. I felt really guilty because last month I had drunkenly hooked up with him. She told me, “I felt better when he told me that the girl was extremely ugly and bad in bed.” FML
Today I was babysitting my co-worker’s son. He was eating Jell-O and spilled it on his shirt, so I pulled off his pajamas and went into his room to grab a new pair. I heard a thump and ran to find him out cold on the floor. His parents walked in on me trying to wake up their naked three-year-old. FML
Today the kids I teach informed me that I had spelled my name incorrectly on the board. I looked at it and assured them that I had spelled it correctly. I’m twenty-two and a graduate student; they’re six and mentally challenged. Guess who was right? FML
Today I bought a parakeet for my kids. When I got home and presented it to them, they wanted to let him fly around inside. We went around the house making sure all the windows and doors were shut. I forgot about the ceiling fan. FML
Today I interviewed for a full scholarship to college. During the interview, I said that I was excited about the new dean because I thought she’d be able to really make improvements and bring the school back to where it used to be. After the interview, I learned that my interviewer was the former dean. FML
Today a man on the train asked me if I had any change. I quickly responded, saying,
“No habla ingles.”
He then tapped me on the shoulder and said, “That would’ve been a lot more believable if you weren’t reading that English newspaper.” FML
Today it took me over three hours to cut out little letters for an event I’m putting on. It took the wind less than a second to blow them all over campus. FML
Today my family and I were at a restaurant. We’re Swedish, and we love talking about people in our language because no one here ever understands. I decided to comment about how ugly the girl at the next table was. She turned around and said,
“Dra åt helvete.”
That’s Swedish for “Go to hell.” FML
Today my boss forgot her meeting with an official from the military base and called to ask me to handle it. The very cute Marine showed up that afternoon, and we talked for an hour. After he left, I realized I had forgotten about the paper mustache I had taped to my face as a joke this morning. FML
Today I went over to my uncle’s house for dinner, and my stomach started to hurt really bad. I noticed there were two toilets, so I sat on the nicer one and proceeded to take a huge dump. It turned out that I had chosen the brand-new toilet. It hadn’t been connected yet. FML
Today I went to get my midterm essay grade, thinking I couldn’t have made lower than a B. I got an F. The professor wrote: “Best essay I read. Would’ve been an A if it had been the right topic.” I had written about the Industrial Revolution instead of the Scientific Revolution. FML
Today I was eating lunch naked at my home, while watching porn on the big screen. I heard the garage door opening, meaning that my roommate was home. In my haste to get dressed, I fell back into the barstool I had been sitting on and knocked myself out. I woke up, naked, with lettuce all over me. FML
Today I was standing on a crowded bus, going home after school. A wriggling five-year-old boy and his mom left their seat to get off the bus. Since no one looked keen to sit there, I did, only to find out that it was covered in pee. FML
Today I was talking to my grandmother, who was lying down on the couch under a blanket, watching TV. As I was leaving, I said, “See you later, Nana,” and patted her on the shoulder. Her shoulder was soft, and moved more than I had expected. It was her boob. I felt up my grandmother. FML
Today my mom was helping me unpack from college. She opened a box and took out some anal beads I had received as a gag gift. She asked, “What are these?” I answered, “They are for massaging your back.” She then insisted that I show her. So I massaged my mother with anal beads. FML