F My Life (6 page)
Authors: Maxime Valette
Today, after work, I went to the parking lot to my car to go home. I found my car doors heavily scratched and all my tires slashed, and a note on my windshield. The note read: “Fuck you, Jackson. Don’t fuck with me.” I’m Tyler. Jackson is my co-worker. FML
You’ve got to play to win, as they say. But for some people, success is
not
always waiting just around the corner. This can be a good thing for the rest of us, because there’s something amusing about watching your peers fail miserably. “A problem shared is a problem halved.” That may very well be, but we’ll stick to the other half of the equation, the one where we pour scorn onto those unlucky objects of ridicule.
Today I wanted to see whether the frying pan was hot. I no longer have fingerprints. FML
Today I was hitting on a girl who was getting ready to walk into the same class as I was. We were waiting outside the room, and I told her that I had heard that the professor for the course was a total bitch. We walked into the room. I sat down at a desk. She stood behind the podium. FML
Today, while shaving, I cut myself. With the blade protector. FML
Today I was on a date with my new boyfriend. I acted very flirty and laughed very loudly to show him how funny he was. I laughed so loudly that I farted. FML
Today, after a tremendously hot night with a guy I had met the night before, I asked him his phone number. He replied, “What for?” FML
Today, in a hallway at college, to make my friends laugh, I was joking about how I’d had passionate sex with our professor. Just then, the professor passed right behind me, reminding me of the date of my next oral exam. She will be grading me. FML
Today I told myself: “Go on, you big geek, go outside, get some sun, get your ass away from your computer, go for a walk.” I finally mustered the courage to leave my house. Without my keys. I’ve been in an Internet café for four hours. FML
Today my mistress called my wife. FML
Today, feeling romantic and overwhelmed with love, I told my fiancée, “I don’t know what I’d do without you.” She replied, “Well, you’d jerk off.” FML
Today, and for the last eight months, my upstairs neighbors have been making a tremendous racket. I finally decided to go up and complain: “The amount of noise you make is unbelievable! It sounds like you’re riding tractors up here!” The woman replied, “My husband is a paraplegic.” FML
Today we were out walking around and smoking a bit of weed. We saw a place to sit down in a little parking lot nearby. The cops came over and busted us. It turned out that we were in the main lot for the police station. FML
Today my son looked out the window and said, “What’s that piece of shit doing in our driveway?” It was the new car we were planning to surprise him with on his birthday. FML
Today my girlfriend and I went to a club. When the song “Single Ladies” by Beyoncé played, the DJ came on the mic and said, “Single ladies, raise your hands!” My girlfriend raised her hand. FML
Today my husband came home from work angry. He started yelling about how much he hates the neighbor’s kids and that he never wants to have children. Tonight I was going to tell him that I’m pregnant. FML
Today I had to go to my son’s school for career day. I explained what a banker does, and then I asked if anyone had a question. One boy raised his hand and asked, “When are all the cool parents gonna come?” FML
Today, at the Golden Gate Bridge, I spotted a large group of Asian people trying to take a group photograph. Trying to be helpful, I slowly said, “You … want me … take picture?” while using hand motions. The man looked at me and said, “No thanks, asshole. I got it,” in perfect English. FML
Today I lied and said I was late for work because I had a flat tire. Two hours later, some of my friends came in and said in front of my manager, “We should do brunch every Saturday, like this morning. It was awesome!” FML
Today I was driving after dark and saw a small animal run across the road. I slammed on my brakes and got rear-ended. The animal turned out to be a plastic grocery bag. FML
Today I went shopping with a girl I like while my girlfriend was busy. We ended up going grocery shopping to make dinner together, and I ran into my girlfriend’s parents. FML
Today, after I’d been looking for my cell phone for two days, I realized that the vegetable compartment in the fridge was vibrating. FML
Today, wanting a change from the usual pizza-and-Coke menu, I decide to cook. After spending an hour and a half making a beef chili with ancho, mole, and cumin, I was sprinkling a bit of salt on top of it, and the top came off the saltshaker. FML
Today, when I was out with my boyfriend, I walked ahead of him catwalk style. I turned around and asked, “Do you think I could model?” He blurted out, “Yes … for a plus-size clothing line.” FML
Today I decided to quit smoking and put on a nicotine patch. I decided to have one last cigarette, and ended up at the doctor’s office, sick with nicotine poisoning. FML
Today I won $5,000 on a lottery ticket and tried giving the man next to me a high five. He had no hands. FML
Today, I was making a smoothie. I didn’t plug in the blender until after all the ingredients were inside. It was still on when I plugged it in with no lid. FML
Today, while walking in the woods, I hit my foot against a half-buried metal object. I dug into the ground and found a beautiful box, heavy enough not to be empty. I imagined myself rich with gold coins. It was the corpse of a dead cat. FML
Today I was rejected from the University of Washington. My dad has been a professor there for thirty years, and he is on the board of admissions. FML
Today I made fun of my friend when she tripped over a curb. I said loudly, “Haha, you can’t even walk.” Then I noticed the man in the wheelchair a few feet ahead of us. FML
Today I was masturbating in the bottom bunk of my bunk beds. When I finished and tried to get up to clean myself, I hit my head on the metal panel of the upper bunk and passed out. My parents came home and found me passed out, naked and holding a porn magazine. FML
Today I went to a party with the boy I am interested in. It was the first time I had met his friends. It turned out that he and all his friends are hard-core Christians who don’t drink and are celibate. FML
Today I promised my best friend that I wouldn’t let her hook up with any guys, since she got an STD a few weeks ago. After we tossed a few back, she led about thirty people in a chant of “cockblock” after I wouldn’t let her go home with some random dude. FML
Today my husband of nine years announced he was gay. He insinuated that he was able to achieve erections only because I looked like a man. FML
Today I saw a homeless man asking for money. Not wanting to give him any because he’d just spend it on booze, I decided to buy him a full Big Mac meal from McDonald’s. When I went to hand it to him, he waved his hand, refusing it and saying, “Thanks, but I’m a vegetarian.” FML
Today I got caught stealing lollipops. I am twenty-five. FML
Today I was finally able to get to know a girl I’d been eyeing for months. We had a nice conversation. We discovered that we live in the same area, so we talked about that. I told her that the little restaurant under my apartment was really disgusting. Her parents own it. FML
Today, I was the photographer at my friend’s wedding. I took stupid pictures all day long. The moment the bride entered the church, the battery in my camera died. FML
Today I went to surprise my boyfriend in the shower. I opened the door, and there was a giant turd in the toilet. I pretended I was looking for my hairbrush. FML
Today my overprotective mom decided to do a blacklight test on my room to make sure I wasn’t doing the naughty. The bed was clean. My face wasn’t. FML
Today I was bored while I was pooping, so I decided to paint my nails. I had to wait thirty minutes to wipe. FML
Today I was at work at the Disney Store. A little boy was crying, so I went over to comfort him. After talking to him for a little while, I found out that he couldn’t find his mother. When he calmed down, I went to help him stand up. He choked back his tears and then puked all over me from the waist down. FML
Today I was having sex with my girlfriend, and as I pulled out to finish I slipped and ended up punching her in the stomach. I came while she was writhing in pain. FML
Today I decided to make a Pop-Tart. I thought it was bad enough when it fell through the grate in the toaster oven. Then it burst into flames. I spent five minutes fanning the smoke away from the smoke detector, but the alarm continued to go off. Now everyone who lives in my building is outside in a snowstorm. FML
Today I was at a bar in Canada and was really hitting it off with a girl. She asked how big my junk was and I told her, in inches. They use centimeters. FML
Today a toddler’s ball rolled over to me in the park. I playfully pitched it to him, as his parents watched from afar. The ball hit him in the face. FML
Today I thought I was giving a woman the orgasm of a lifetime until I realized that she was telling me to stop pulling her hair. FML
Today I buried my girlfriend’s recently deceased cat. Later she asked to see the grave and then came back inside, crying. I hadn’t buried it completely. Its two back legs were poking out of the dirt. FML
Today I broke up with my boyfriend. I called him two minutes after I left, and he had already fallen asleep. FML
Today I was looking at porn on my laptop when my mom came into my room to talk to me. After she had finished what she was saying, she paused and said, “You know, I can see the reflection of your computer screen in your glasses.” FML
Today my girlfriend snuck up behind me to cover my eyes and play “Guess who.” The second her hands touched my face, I instinctively grabbed her, twisted her wrists, and kneed her to the floor. FML
Today I slept with this new guy for the first time. After sex, he said the doggie style was fun; it reminded him of what it was like to rape a girl. FML
Today my girlfriend asked if her friend Alex, from high school, could join us for an amazing threesome. As a horny dude, how could I say no? It turned out that Alex is also a guy’s name. FML
Today I was watching a porn video on my laptop when my mom walked into my room, so I slammed the laptop shut. The speakers continued to function after the laptop was closed. FML
Today I decided to get in shape. I went to the store to buy some free weights. I couldn’t take them home. The box was too heavy. FML
Today I tried helping an old lady with her groceries. When I asked if she needed help, she smiled. When I took one of her bags, she yelled. She was deaf. FML
Today I finally mustered the balls to skip out of class early, only to find that the back door was locked. As I stood there like an idiot trying to get it open, all two hundred people in my class turned to laugh. My professor stared at me. I went back to my seat, sat down, and took out my notebook. FML
Today, after a late night at the bars, I got into my building’s elevator with a Chinese man who was carrying a plastic bag. Excited, I asked, “Oooh, are you still delivering?” He replied, “I live here.” FML
Today I was taking the elevator down, and it was full of people. It stopped on the second floor, and before the doors opened, I said, “What asshole can’t take the steps from the second floor?” A kid in a wheelchair got on. FML
Today my boyfriend and I decided to try anal sex. When he was done, I turned around to see that he was holding a strap-on. With a smile on his face, he said, “Now, do me.” FML
