F My Life (2 page)
Authors: Maxime Valette
Today I was sitting on the couch, computer next to me, lotion on the floor, and my dick in my hand, when my roommate walked in. Looking me right in the face with a scared expression, he said, “What’s for dinner?” FML
Today in class I asked my teacher for a rubber. I didn’t realize that in America “rubber” doesn’t mean “eraser,” it means “condom.” FML
Today, since I am an exchange student in Mexico, someone asked me what it’s like to be from Minnesota. I responded in Spanish, in front of thirty people, saying what I thought translated to “If you get cold, you can just put on a jacket.” Apparently, what I actually said meant “If you get cold, you can just masturbate.” FML
Today I sang the itsy-bitsy spider song with a class of thirty twenty-somethings because we’re going to be kindergarten teachers. The teacher made us do the hand motions, too. FML
Today three girls introduced themselves to me. I had met all of them before. FML
Today I was eating at a restaurant with my boyfriend. He is six foot two, and I’m four foot eleven. Out of nowhere, the hostess started openly flirting with him and asked him if he needed a high chair for his daughter. FML
Today I went to the gym to try to get into shape. I pulled a muscle while taking off my sweater in the locker room. FML
Today my nephew asked me how babies are made. I thought he’d had this chat with his mom, but I went into it again. After a twenty-minute “discussion,” he said, “So what about the good stuff? Get to the blow jobs and the lesbians.” He’s eleven. FML
Today my girlfriend caught me picking my nose and eating the booger. FML
Today my best friend was crying because her boyfriend is an idiot. I brought my thumb up to wipe a tear off her face and somehow stuck it up her nose. FML
Today my mother called to say that my eleven-year-old nephew found my secret stash of nipple tassels, furry handcuffs, and a bottle of lube. He doesn’t want to visit me anymore. FML
Today I farted
a lot
during my exam, but it was all silently, so I figured I was okay. Then I looked around, and everybody was faking suffocation and giving me sly looks. I am now known to everyone in the department as Super Fart. FML
Today at work a man walked up the escalator with his chubby kid next to him and asked me where the shoe department was. I said, “For you or your son?” He replied, “For my daughter.” FML
Today my anatomy teacher was putting together a skeleton model for class. He had misplaced the leg bone, so I thoughtfully asked, “What’s the matter, lose a leg?” Unfortunately, there’s nothing funny about asking that question of a guy who’s had a leg amputated. FML
Today my friends and I went to a bar and proceeded to get wasted. I was walking around and saw a kid. I started yelling, “There’s a child in this bar! There’s a CHILD in this BAR!” She turned around. She was a little person. FML
Today I accidentally unplugged my headphones in the quiet section of the library, causing my music to play from my laptop at full volume. I was listening to Celine Dion. I’m the captain of the football team. FML
Today I finished having sex with my girlfriend, and she asked if I had started smoking weed again. I said yes and asked if she could smell it on me, since I had recently smoked. She replied, “The only time you can last this long is when you’re high.” FML
Today I was in the car with a group of my girlfriends, discussing sexual experiences. I looked down and realized that my BlackBerry had dialed the family I babysit for and left a five-minute voice mail. FML
Today my crush talked to me for the first time. He told me to stop staring. FML
Today my girlfriend of one month and I had an amazing night of dinner and dancing, but when I leaned in to kiss her, she said, “You’re joking, right?” FML
Today I fell asleep in my driver’s ed class, and I woke up in the middle of a dream, laughing. Everyone stared at me. I found out that the teacher had just finished talking about his niece who hadn’t worn a seat belt and was now brain-dead. FML
Today I was instructed by my boss to welcome the two new foreign business partners because I am the only one who can speak their language. When they arrived, I greeted them in their language. One of them scratched his head and asked his companion in plain and clear English, “What did he say?” FML
Today I fell asleep in the train. When I woke up, everybody was staring at me with strange smiles on their faces. I’ll probably never know what I did. FML
Today I was working the register at a local grocery store. A kid about five years old was having trouble zipping his jacket. When I reached out to help him, he started screaming, “No, bad touch, bad touch!” and kicked me in the knee. Everyone looked. FML
Today, when I threw my cigarette out of the car window, the wind blew it back in again. My pants got completely burned. FML
Today I was making love with my girlfriend, and my landline rang. Obviously, I let it go to voice mail. At the very moment I was about to climax, I heard my mom’s voice on my machine: “Hi, sweetheart.” FML
Today I went out to dinner with my family. I was given a kids menu when the hostess seated us. I’m twenty-four. FML
Today my four-year-old cousin gave me a hug, basically stuffing his face into my crotch. Then he pulled back and said, “Ew, that’s stinky,” in front of my entire class. FML
Today, while walking through the fragrance department in a department store, a women behind me said, “Excuse me, miss, would you like to sample our new fragrance line?” I’m a nineteen-year-old male. I turned around, expecting her to correct herself. She didn’t. FML
Today, in the middle of a dinner date, I went to rest my chin on my hand, missed, and stuck the straw from my drink straight up my nose. My nose bled all over the table. He hasn’t called me since. FML
Today at church, the little boy sitting behind me asked his mother if I had the chicken pox, because there were red dots all over my face. I’ve had bad acne since I was twelve. FML
Today I was talking to my crush about making the soccer team. Excited, he congratulated me and asked for my number. I proceeded to give him my cell phone number. He laughed and said, “Your jersey number.” FML
Today, after I had filled up my car and got into it, I saw a cute guy running toward me. I flashed a smile and left the door open, saying “Hey” when he was next to me. He said, “The pump is still attached to your car—you really should be more careful.” FML
Today I got a “save the date” card for the wedding of a couple my husband knows. I was excited because I really want to be better friends with these people. I emailed the bride, saying “I got your STD!” and hit Send before I realized how that sounded. FML
Today my group of friends, my girlfriend, and I were playing “Never have I ever.” My girlfriend’s turn came up, and she went with “Never have I ever had an orgasm.” FML
Today I decided to brush up on my flirting skills and ask a guy I thought was kind of cute what time it was. He pointed to the very visible watch on my wrist and said, “You should know already.” FML
Today my parents met my boyfriend’s parents for the first time … bailing us out of jail. FML
Today my professor, who was born without arms, asked somebody, “Need a hand?” There are over three hundred students in that class, and I was the only one laughing. FML
Today, as I walked out of the bathroom, two guys were checking me out. One of them said, “Nice tail.” I smiled and strutted to my next class. As I was about to sit down at my desk, the girl behind me said, “Did you know you have toilet paper hanging out of your pants?” FML
Today I was having sex with my girlfriend for the first time, and she asked me if I ever get made fun of in the locker room because of my small penis. FML
Today, I was DJing a wedding. The groom wanted me to play a song for his grandma and grandpa. I announced over the microphone that his grandparents should come to the dance floor for a special song. It turned out that his grandparents had been dead for over a year, and the song was supposed to be in dedication. FML
Today I was interviewing a cute guy for my journalism class, and he asked to borrow my laptop to check his email quickly. After the interview I realized that the last thing I had searched for with my browser was “ingrown pubic hairs”—and the words were still up there. FML
Today at a party I told this guy that I really liked his pirate costume. It turned out that he wasn’t wearing a costume; his eye had been shot out with a BB gun. That explains the eye patch. FML
Today I drove to a job interview. I had to sneeze, but because I was driving on the highway I didn’t let go of the wheel to cover my mouth. I didn’t know the sneeze would be a “productive” one until I was sitting in the interview, looked down at my new blouse, and saw the giant loogie stuck there. FML
Today I went on the best date I’ve been on in years. Later, over drinks, we got to talking, and I explained how I came out to my friends and family. When I asked him how he came out, he replied that he isn’t gay, and, oh, did I think this was a date? FML
Today I took the subway to school, and the man across from me would not stop staring at my breasts. Finally, the train came to my stop. As I got up, I said, “Nothing to see now, asshole.” Then I noticed his white cane as he got up to get off, too. He was blind. FML
Today I went to get a haircut, and I asked how much it was for a shampoo, a haircut, and a blow job. I meant to say “blow dry.” FML
Today I went to a birthday party for my friend’s daughter. I picked up a gift for the girl and another for her parents. I got the mother a cute little garden stone that read “What our children see in the world depends on what we show them.” Later I found out that her daughter is blind. FML
Today I got a 31 percent on a Chinese test at school. I moved here to New Jersey from Beijing two months ago. FML
Today I was in Spanish class, having a debate about the death penalty. I was trying to make a point and I meant to say
“la pena de muerte,”
which means “the death penalty.” Instead, I said,
“la pene de muerte.”
It turns out that that means “the penis of death.” FML
Today I was in my room and I drew a Harry Potter lightning bolt on my forehead in eyeliner, just because it cheers me up. Some friends dropped by casually, and we went out to get ice cream. When I got back, I realized the lightning bolt was still there. I’m in college. FML
Today I was typing up a love letter on my computer—a sexual love letter. I was in a classroom, I’m the teacher, I’m gay, and my love letter showed up on the TV screen while my seventh-grade students were taking a test. It was up on the screen for fifteen minutes. FML