F My Life (5 page)
Authors: Maxime Valette
Today I got my car fixed from an accident, and I drove to a party in a bad thunderstorm. When the power went out, everyone decided to watch the storm from the front windows. Someone mentioned that it would be funny if the tree fell on my car with everyone watching. Twenty seconds later, it did. FML
Today I passed by a small shop and decided to go in to look at the jeans. Before I could even step inside, the shop owner told me expressionlessly, “All the sizes here are too small for you.” FML
Today, at a hard-rock concert, a bunch of guys accidentally knocked down a porta-potty while moshing. I was inside that porta-potty. FML
Today I had sex with my girlfriend. Being the stud that I am, after a short time I turned to her and said, “You think you’re ready for a round two?” She replied, “No, but I do think I’m ready for the rest of round one.” FML
Today I was questioned about a request for a restraining order filed against me by an old woman. According to the report, she’s seen me “walking near her house and waving at her” for the last two months. I’ve been her next-door neighbor for a year and a half. FML
Today, after soccer practice, I was walking to the car with my dad. My teammates waved and said, “Bye,
Pot-head!” They
call me that because they think my head is shaped like a pot. Of course, my dad didn’t believe me. I’m grounded now because I have an abnormally shaped head. I’ve never smoked pot. FML
Today, three days before my wedding day, I found out that my fiancé is sleeping with one of my bridesmaids. I just canceled a $200,000 wedding. I now have to help my family (who flew in from Poland, California, and Massachusetts) book flights back home. FML
Today, while I was driving my kids to school, my son said, “Why don’t you find another place to live, so we can just live with Daddy?” Then my daughter added, “Yeah, ’cause we
love
Daddy.” FML
Today I proposed to my girlfriend, whom I was madly in love with, by having a plane fly over her house spelling out “Marry me, Abby?” After seeing this, she locked herself in her room and cried for four hours, exclaiming that this wasn’t how she wanted to be proposed to. I had invited my entire family to see it. FML
Today I got braces. When we got in the car, my dad looked over and said, “Well, at least we don’t have to worry about boys for the next two years.” FML
Today I was walking through the mall with my boyfriend of a year and a half. There was a sign outside a jewelry store that said “Engagement Rings—No interest for 12 months.” I said, “Look, baby! No interest.” He replied, “That’s right
… no interest.”
FML
Today I went swimming. As I was getting out of the very crowded pool, a little girl ran up to me, pointed, and yelled, “Mommy, I want big boobies like that when I grow up.” I’m sixteen. I’m a boy. FML
Today I finally told my best friend, whom I’ve secretly been in love with for two years, that I was in love with her, but at the last second I chickened out and said I was joking. She replied, “Don’t scare me like that. For a second, I thought I was going to have to find a new best friend.” FML
Today I was in the bank with my seven-year-old daughter, when I saw an old high school friend of mine with his wife. I said hello, and he commented on how beautiful my little girl was. I thanked him, and as I turned away I heard his wife say, “I guess the father must be the good-looking one.” FML
Today I went to get a physical. The nurse was morbidly obese and unattractive. She told me she would go through the tests listed on the sheet. She did everything, including feeling my genitalia. When it was done, I read over the sheet. Genitalia wasn’t one of the tests listed. FML
Today I was lying on the couch with my girlfriend. I looked at her and said, “You’re so beautiful. How did I ever get you?” She replied, “I was drunk.” FML
Today I was serving a table full of drunk people. They used the candles on the table to set the table on fire. Noticing this, I ran to it and poured a pitcher of water on it. Then other tables complained, saying I had caused a disturbance. I got fired for putting out a fire. FML
Today I was at a party, and we were all playing Seven Minutes in Heaven. It was my crush’s turn to spin the bottle, so my heart started pounding. The bottle pointed toward me! Then my crush said, “With her, it’d be ‘Seven Minutes in Hell.’ Just skip me.” FML
Today I went to get my eyebrows waxed at a Korean salon. I had never been there before, and it was hard to understand their accents. The women asked me whether I wanted “them all off.” Not fully understanding what she had said, I agreed. When she showed me the mirror, she had taken off my whole eyebrow. FML
Today my wife and I were driving to a gas station. She let me out before she pulled up to the pump because I had to buy some things from the store. I returned to see my wife proudly filling the tank, something she never does. Smiling, she told me that diesel was cheaper than regular gas. We don’t own a diesel car. FML
Today, for our two-year anniversary, I got my girlfriend a very expensive diamond necklace. She got me male enhancement pills. FML
Today I drove my two kids to their friends’ houses. In my convertible, looking what I thought was my best, I slowed down outside a bar with a group of cute twenty-year-old girls out front. My daughter noticed the speed reduction and said, “Keep driving, Dad. You’re fat, and Mom left you for a reason.” FML
Today my best friend, whom I have been secretly in love with forever, was ranting about her ex-girlfriend. Then she said, “If only you were gay, we’d be perfect for each other.” So I took the chance to tell her that I was. She responded, “Well, I’m still not attracted to you.” FML
Today I went to visit my grandmother, accidentally leaving my cell phone at home for the weekend. When I got back, I had two texts from my crush. One said, “I want to take the most beautiful girl to prom, go with me?” The other said, “Fine, fatty, I’ll ask someone else.” FML
Today I was picking up my daughter from my ex-husband’s house, and his new girlfriend was there. I called to my daughter that it was time to leave, and she clung to his girlfriend, saying, “Mommy, I don’t want to leave.” She wasn’t talking to me. FML
Today all of my friends and teachers asked me what was wrong because I looked sad and tired. One kid even said that I looked like “an abused housewife the day after.” I was fine. It was the first time I had gone to school without wearing any makeup. FML
Today I was sitting in a restaurant with my best friend. We had competed in a pageant together earlier this month. A lady came up to my friend, who had been named first alternate, and said, “You were robbed of that title. You deserved to win. I hated the winner.” I was the winner. FML
Today I sent an email to my best friend, telling him that I’m gay. When I was typing the email address in the “To:” field, I didn’t notice, but it autocorrected to my mother’s address. She just responded, “You filthy faggot.” FML
Today I was walking from my office to the place I had parked my car, a distance of approximately three blocks. As I was about to round the last corner, I was forced to dive out of the way of a speeding car. I looked up and noticed that it was my car. FML
Today, when a bartender carded my friends, I excitedly asked whether he was going to card me. The guy gave me a blank stare before finally replying, “Look, lady, I don’t have time to stroke some middle-aged woman’s ego.” I had asked because it was my birthday. I just turned twenty-one. FML
Today I was at a dance. I was grinding with this guy, when I felt something move in his pants. I stood up and stepped away. He replied, “Don’t flatter yourself. It was my phone.” FML
Today I arrived at work, only to be arrested and accused of stealing over $8,000 from my employer. Five hours later, at the police station, the discovery was made that the actual thief had an employee ID that was one digit different from mine. He works at another location more than 1,200 miles away. FML
Today I emailed the guy I like to ask him on a coffee date. He declined by telling me he never drinks coffee. We had met at Starbucks. FML
Today my boss had to leave the house for a little while. She asked me to take any messages she got. I answered the phone, and the lady calling said she was returning my boss’s call about the opening for a nanny position. I am the current nanny. I found out from the new nanny that I was being fired. FML
Today my boss told me that I had been hired because of how much I reminded him of his daughter. Taking this as a compliment, I mentioned it to a co-worker whom I was trying to impress. I later found out that my boss’s daughter is both clinically obese and mentally challenged. FML
Today I was pulled over because I looked like a possible suspect in a robbery. While he was searching me, the police radio went off and the person on the other end said, “Possible suspect, five foot five, thin.” The officer stopped abruptly, murmuring, “Too short and fat,” and walked back to his car. FML
Today my boyfriend handcuffed me to the bed, naked. Someone pulled the fire alarm, and my boyfriend couldn’t find the key to the cuffs. So he left me there, and the resident advisor found me. A fireman had to cut the chain. FML
Today my brother’s new girlfriend, who is blind, asked to feel my face so she could tell what I look like. She said I was “unique.” A blind chick told me I was ugly. FML
Today I was walking to school and decided to be a good citizen by picking up a beer can on the sidewalk. I then walked onto my school’s campus, where I got suspended by the dean for “trying to rebel,” got grounded by my parents for getting suspended, and got a “minor in possession” ticket from school security. FML
Today I was shopping with my friends, and a man asked me whether I would be in one of his commercials. I said yes without thinking twice. Then I found out that he wanted me to be the “before” picture for an acne control cream. FML
Today I walked up behind a girl I had hooked up with last weekend while she was working at a computer in the library. I noticed that she was looking at my Facebook page, and I got excited. Then I heard her say to her friend, “This guy has the smallest penis I have ever seen.” FML
Today I heard back from my store manager interview at Target. I was offered an overnight stock clerk position. When I called the human resources department to find out if my application was in the wrong file, I was told that I lack the leadership qualities necessary for Target. I graduated with honors from a military school. FML
Today, at the dinner table, my parents were talking to my younger sister about her new boyfriend and how they should be taking it slow. My sister pointed out that that’s not what I do. My dad said, “Believe me, I know—your sister’s easier to get into than community college.” FML
Today my boss wanted to promote me to a managerial position. I declined the position, saying I didn’t think I was ready and experienced enough for that role. I was then fired instead for not accepting the promotion. I was fired for being honest. FML
Today I finally got the courage to tell my best friend that I’ve had a crush on him since our junior year. Since I couldn’t see him, I sent him a text. His response: “Yeah, I know. I’ve tried kind of ignoring it.” FML
Today my first girlfriend of over three years left me for another guy. She said she’s looking for someone who can financially provide for her in the future. He owns a T-Mobile kiosk. I’m going to medical school. FML
Today I told my boyfriend, “We need to talk.” He said, “I know.” So we met after school, and he said he was okay with me breaking up with him, that he wasn’t that into me, either. He said all that before I could tell him that my parents wanted to meet him. FML