F My Life (10 page)
Authors: Maxime Valette
Today, while my four-year-old nephew was hugging me, he stepped back and declared, “Auntie, my pee-do is hard. Will it go away?” FML
Today, as I was walking my friend’s dog around the neighborhood, I noticed a little girl fall off her bike. I let go of the dog and ran over to help. The girl was fine, but the dog ran into the street and was hit by a truck. FML
Today my boyfriend was really stressed about a guy he works with being a jerk. I told him, “If you ignore something long enough, it won’t bother you anymore.” He replied, “I’ve ignored my herpes for a long time, but it still bothers me.” We’ve been having sex for three months. FML
Today I woke up at 5:00 and studied for my 9:30 exam for four hours. When I left my dorm at 9:00, it was dark outside. It turned out that I had slept through the entire day and woken up at 5:00 p.m. FML
Today, when I went to my car, I discovered an apologetic note on the windshield from the city telling me that they had hit my car. On top of that note was a parking ticket, also from the city. FML
Today my friend was picking on me at school by constantly tapping on my shoulder. At recess, I had had enough. I felt the familiar tap on my shoulder, and I drove my elbow into his stomach. It was the principal. FML
Today I bit into my egg sandwich, and when I looked at it, there were five long gray hairs leading from the sandwich into my mouth. FML
Today I found out that I am being sued for losing a set of wedding photos that I had taken. I had lost them by being mugged on the way home from the shoot and having $10,000 worth of equipment stolen from me. FML
Today I wanted to seduce my boyfriend, so I put on my sexiest lingerie and started playing mood music. As he was eating dinner, I climbed up on the table and started seductively crawling across to him. The table collapsed. FML
Today my tattoo artist boyfriend of five months gave me my first tattoo in celebration of my eighteenth birthday. It was supposed to be a heart with my name in script. He had spelled my name wrong. FML
Today I had to call my mom and tell her about the insurance claim that is going to be coming through in the next couple of weeks because I had spent a night in the hospital. I’m allergic to vaginal lube. FML
Today, while I was working at my cash register, a well-dressed man who was six foot three came in and ordered. After he ordered I asked why he was dressed so nicely. He responded, “I’m going to court for stalking pretty girls like you.” Our name tags have our full names. FML
Today my friend had a Coke can on his desk in class. It was empty, but I was thirsty, so I picked it up, thinking I could try to get that little bit of Coke that is always left at the bottom. When I took a sip, I found that he had been picking his fingernails and putting them in the can. FML
Today I had to tell my super-conservative parents that I had just gone to visit the boyfriend I’m not supposed to have so I could tell him that I am pregnant. FML
Today my grandma was showing me an ancient family letter. Apparently it had been written by a famous historical figure. She was going on about how important it was, that it was in such good condition, and that it was worth a lot. I dropped my glass of juice. It spilled all over the letter. FML
Today I dropped my $400 iPhone, which has survived toilets and six-foot falls, on a Walmart floor, shattering the screen. I did manage, however, to catch the $2 box of macaroni and cheese before it hit the ground. FML
Today I walked into my room to find that my mom had made my bed and done my laundry, for which I thanked her with a hug. I lay down on the bed, stretched out my arms, and realized that my vibrator was still under the pillow where I had left it. FML
Today my first real date ended with the girl saying, “Thanks for dinner. I was hungry—and, oh, by the way, I’m a lesbian.” FML
Today I was looking after a hamster for a friend. My dog ate it. FML
Today, as I was texting with a girl I’ve been trying to hook up with, she complained about how crummy a day she was having. I told her that it couldn’t be as bad as she thought and she would probably get over it soon. Then she told me she had found out that her cousin had been murdered. FML
Today I went to get my blood drawn for the first time. After I explained to the nurse how nervous I was, she replied, “Oh honey, don’t worry! This is my first time too!” FML
Today the hard drive on my computer crashed with all of my files on it. I took it to my dad, who is a computer analyst, to see if he could recover anything. The only thing that he could salvage was my illustrious collection of porn. FML
Today I was presenting in PowerPoint. I plugged in the cord that connected my computer to the projector, forgetting what my boyfriend had set as my desktop picture the night before. I opened my laptop, and projected on the wall was a picture of me in the nude. I go to Catholic school. FML
Today my girlfriend came up behind me and put her hands in my back pockets. I thought it was someone trying to take my wallet, so I elbowed her in the nose and broke it. FML
Today I left my glasses at home. While walking to the bus stop, I saw the cutest girl on the block smiling and waving at me from her front yard. I happily waved back, smiling, and kept going. It turned out that she was crying and calling me over. Her dad had just had a heart attack. FML
Today I took my dog for a walk down by the river. I was throwing sticks for him with one hand and talking on the phone with the other. Then realized that I had thrown my phone into the river and was standing there talking to the stick. FML
Today I was volunteering at a nursing home, and I was calling bingo numbers. One woman stood up and started making noises. I assumed she had won, and I started clapping. She fell on the floor and died of a heart attack. I had applauded her death. FML
Today, while I was working, my ex-girlfriend came in to apply for a job. She had broken up with me for another guy, so I can’t stand being in the same room with her. The manager hired her on the spot. I have to train her. FML
Today a customer I’ve been waiting on for years came into the restaurant after a long absence. I said to him, “Hey, man, it looks like you lost a lot of weight! How’d you do it?” He replied, “I got cancer.” FML
Today I was working at Chuck E. Cheese’s. I had to put on the mouse costume. Due to the disgusting smell in the costume and how hot it was to wear, I fainted in front of all the people at a birthday party. I awoke to see a little boy screaming. He then proceeded to kick me in the face and run. FML
Today my boyfriend and I discreetly ordered sex toys online and had them delivered to my dorm room. They were sent to the billing address. It’s my parents’ credit card. FML
Today I was eating nacho chips with my nieces, and I found that some were wet. I looked at my niece and noticed that she was sucking on the chips and putting them back in the bag. FML
Today I borrowed a van to move some of my furniture. I wasn’t used to the brakes, so when I stopped at a red light, I pretty much ended up in the crosswalk. Suddenly I heard a loud thud at the side of the van. I turned to find out what kind of idiot would walk into a van. It was a blind man. FML
Today I hit a car while trying to answer a phone call. Frustrated, I quickly answered the phone and shouted,
“What?!”
To which my mom replied, “I just had a bad feeling in my gut about you, so I wanted to make sure you were okay.” FML
Today my family gathered at my ninety-six-year-old great-grandmother’s surprise birthday party, which was my idea. When she walked in, we surprised her so much that she had a heart attack. She is now in the hospital. FML
Today, two days before my birthday, my parents drove three hours to visit me at school and take me out to lunch. I assumed that it was to celebrate my birthday. They told me they are getting divorced. FML
Today I was sleeping because I had been sick. The closest bathroom to mine is the one in my parents’ room. I woke up and felt like I had to throw up, so I ran into my parents’ room to go to the bathroom. I walked in on my parents having sex. Shocked, I gasped for air and threw up all over their bed. FML
Today I was at the beach with my buddy. Messing around, he swam up behind me and dunked me under the water. Naturally, moments later I swam behind him, grabbed both his ankles, and stood up, flipping him completely… only to see him watching me from a few feet away. I had flipped a seventy-year-old man. FML
Today my mom bought me a T-shirt. It has the U.S. Marines logo on it and says “Marine’s Girlfriend.” I’m a straight sixteen-year-old boy. My mom reads and speaks only Spanish. FML
Today I realized that my roommate has been using my loofah to clean our toilet. I’ve been cleaning myself with the shit of four college boys for the last six months. FML
Today I laced up my fabulous new boots and walked outside to find my hot neighbor, with whom I carpool every morning. Feeling quite confident, I struck a pose. Upon taking my first step down the stairs, I fell forward. I woke up hours later with seven stitches in my head. FML
Today I was in the changing room at the local YMCA. I went to use the hair dryer but couldn’t because a naked old man was bent over, butt cheeks spread wide with his hands and ass aimed at the dryer. He was enjoying it. FML
Today I was getting my teeth cleaned at the dentist’s office. Looking up at his nose, I saw runny snot dripping onto his lip. I tried to slowly move away. “Stop!” he ordered me. The movement of his lips caused the snot to fall right into my mouth. FML
Today I went to the ER for severe pain in my abdominal area. The doctor came in after looking at the CAT scan and said, “Well, it’s not your appendix.” Thinking I was in the clear, I said, “That’s awesome.” The doctor responded, “It’s probably your testicles.” FML
Today I overheard my parents having sex. Trying to be the reasonable person I am, I dismissed it, realizing that sex is just normal. I was walking quickly past their bedroom when my cat ran past me into the room, cracking open the door. My parents think I was peeping and need therapy. FML
Today I was working at Target when an elderly woman asked me if I could help her find her favorite bra. I proceeded to ask what brand it was. She replied, “I’ll check the tag.” She lifted up the front of her shirt and flipped one cup of her bra inside out. I saw everything. FML
Today I went for a job interview on my birthday. I had on a shirt and a tie, and I had my BlackBerry in my pocket. I was running a little late, so I dashed outside. As I went out the door, a bunch of my buddies screamed “HAPPY BIRTHDAY!” and poured Gatorade all over me. FML
Today I was going to a Harry Potter convention, since I love the books so much. On the drive there, I got lost, and it only got worse when my car broke down. Since I had forgotten my cell phone, I decided to try to hitch a ride. I stood on the side of the road for two hours dressed like Ron Weasley. FML
Today I scored the winning goal in the state finals. For the other team. FML
Today I was meeting my sister’s fiancé. I stopped at an Internet café on the way to her house for dinner. I was sitting at a computer, and there was a really attractive man next to me. We flirted and exchanged numbers. It turned out that he was my sister’s fiancé. FML
Today I was at this awesome party, and I was dancing with a really attractive girl, who suddenly started making out with me. Five minutes later, my friend told me that the girl had just given him a blow job. FML