F My Life (11 page)
Authors: Maxime Valette
Today I drove my girlfriend home around 11:00 p.m. When we got to her garage, we started to have sex. When she began to climax, she slipped and hit her head. Her parents heard the crash and came downstairs. We were both naked. She was unconscious. FML
Today I came home early from work to surprise my son with a new mountain bike for his birthday. To keep it a surprise, I carried it quietly up to his bedroom. As I opened the door, I heard my son say, “Oh, man, you’re gonna make me come,” to the girl he was on top of. He just turned fourteen. FML
Today I decided to do a load of laundry. A minute into the cycle, as the water started to drip into the machine, I realized that I had left my iPod in my sweatpants pocket. The washing machine door locks automatically and cannot be opened until the forty-minute cycle is up. FML
Today I had a job interview. I stopped to take a pee in the lobby before I went in. I relaxed a bit too much at the urinal and accidentally farted. I proceeded to chuckle about it like a five-year-old for a few seconds. The guy next to me at the urinal turned out to be the interviewer. FML
Today I woke up to find that the large container of leftover beef stroganoff that I had put down the garbage disposal last night had backed up into my bathtub. FML
Today I was arrested because my six-year-old son called the police, saying that I was hitting my wife and that she was crying. My wife and I had been having sex. FML
Today I was taking the subway to school. It was about 6:30 a.m., and I was listening to music and catching up on some homework. I took my headphones off for a second to adjust them. While they were off, I heard some grunting and looked over at the man across from me. He was masturbating. FML
Today my mom brought my dog in to wake me up. He jumped up on the bed. I started to pet what I thought was his neck and played with a random tuft of fur. I soon realized that it was his penis. FML
Today I went out on my porch for a late-night cigarette. Then I opened the door and took one step back inside, and all I remember is a big thud. I woke up five minutes later to see my father standing over me and saying, “Nice right hook, huh?” Then he chuckled. He had thought I was a burglar, so he knocked me out. FML
Today I was sitting in math class, and I glanced over to the other side of the room, where the hottest girl in the school was sitting. I could see her thong, so I instantly got a boner. About a minute later my teacher called me up to the board to do a problem. I had worn basketball shorts that day. FML
Today I tried to prove to my dad that he snores by secretly putting a tape recorder under his bed. I soon found out that my parents had had sex that night. My mom likes to talk dirty. FML
Today my mom came to me and asked if I had drunk her wine. I’m sixteen, so I lied and said no. The next morning there was a tape on my bed labeled “Pool house security cameras —Love, Mom.” It was a video of me downing her red wine and having sex with my boyfriend. FML
Today, on the train home, a gun was placed against the back of my head and my wallet, watch, and iPod were stolen. As soon as the robber got what he wanted, he turned and ran, dropping his weapon to the ground. I had been mugged with a PEZ dispenser. FML
Today I was watching a movie with my boyfriend and his parents. An intense sex scene came on. I felt grateful when I saw his father reaching for the remote to fast-forward through the scene. Instead, he put it into slow motion. We watched in silence for about three minutes before he managed to fix it. FML
Today I was woken up by the sound of power tools at 6:30 a.m. I stuck my head out the window and yelled at them to shut up. They didn’t stop. I walked out the front door to find the bastard. It was firemen. They were sawing down the door of my neighbor’s burning house. FML
Today I was on the subway. I have fairly serious obsessive-compulsive disorder, so I avoid holding on to the poles or handles. All the seats were taken, so I leaned against a wall. At the next stop, an obese, sweaty man got on and grabbed the two poles on either side of me, effectively hugging me. My shirt was wet when he left. FML
Today I checked my Facebook page to find that I had been tagged in a bunch of photos from a party I had attended last night. On each picture was a comment from my mom saying “You’re grounded.” FML
Today I was curling my eyelashes in the bathroom when my brother flung open the door. I jumped up, startled, and ended up ripping out all my eyelashes. I now have to wait until they grow back. FML
Today I texted my boyfriend to tell him how terrible I felt about cheating. He replied, saying he was so relieved because he had been cheating on me with a girl in his dorm. I was talking about my math exam. FML
Today my phone rang while I was home alone. When I picked up, all I could hear was heavy breathing. Convinced it was one of my friends playing a joke, I said loudly, “Get off the phone, you fucker, and don’t call back!” It turned out it was my grandma. She was having a stroke. FML
There are quite a few examples of world-class victims. We can sneer at their predicaments, but we can also take pity on them. And then laugh some more. The good news is that in one short sentence they are able to get straight to the heart of the problem, thus saving thousands of dollars in therapist’s fees. We can choose to offer them assistance in the form of a helping hand … or perhaps even a swift kick in the rear. But most often, a little kindness should suffice. They deserve at least that much for their honesty, right?
Today I realized that the dog humping my leg was the most action I’ve gotten in months. FML
Today I was talking to my friend about my life and she stopped me midsentence to tell me that my life makes her sad. FML
Today I signed up for an online dating site. After completing the personality quiz, I set the distance to a sixty-mile radius around where I live. Then I set it to the country. Then to the whole world. I got no matches for any of the settings. FML
Today I got an email from the local Dungeons & Dragons meet-up group that the next meeting will be on February 14. I don’t know what is more sad: that the group is meeting on Valentine’s Day or that I have nothing better to do than go. FML
Today it’s my birthday. It’s 6:30 p.m., and I’m still the only person aware of what day it is. FML
Today I organized a romantic evening with one of my old squeezes, hoping that I could reignite something special. She showed up at 8:00 and told me that she had to leave by 9:00. She was gone by 8:30. FML
Today I’m twenty years old and have never been kissed. FML
Today I got an email from a guy I’d had a one-night stand with. He wanted to get together to talk about it. It turned out that he was in rehab and wanted to address the biggest mistakes he’d ever made in his life. I am on that list of regrets. FML
Today I was so lethargic at work that the light in my office, which comes on when triggered by a motion detector, went off. FML
Today I found out that my best friends went on a crazy party weekend and they didn’t invite me. FML
Today I sat next to a hot babe. I was feeling nervous. Nevertheless, I managed to shyly ask for her phone number. It was the first time I’d ever done this. Only when I arrived back home did I realize that there was a digit missing. FML
Today I met the girl who had dumped me because the distance between us was too great. We’re in the same city again. She’s now dating a Marine stationed in Iraq. FML
Today I yelled while I was sleeping. I was sleeping during a very important meeting with all the customers and my boss. FML
Today I kissed the girl I love for the first time. Her reaction? She threw up. FML
Today, because I’m a French girl in England, a cute boy asked me where I live exactly. When I told him Paris, he answered, “Strange, I always heard Parisians were the most beautiful women in the world.” FML
Today I went to have a drink with my friend. On the way I withdrew twenty bucks from an ATM, and when I arrived at the bar I realized I had taken my card from the machine, but not the twenty. FML
Today I discovered that there is a security camera in the storage room where I work—the same room where, two days ago, I had masturbated. FML
Today my boss sneezed onto his hands, then licked them in front of my best customers. FML
Today I pointed out to my girlfriend that she isn’t jealous. She replied, “Well, actually, I am. I just can’t prove it because no one else is interested in you.” FML
Today I helped my son do his math homework. He got a C and won’t talk to me anymore. FML
Today it’s my birthday. Before my girlfriend gave me the present she had bought for me, I jokingly said, “I hope it’s not a tie!” It was. FML
Today my fourteen-year-old little sister asked me how I had felt when I had my first sexual experience. I told her it was personal and was none of her business. Then she looked at me and said, “I thought it was nice.” I’m nineteen and a virgin. FML
Today my girlfriend came home with new condoms: Extended Pleasure, containing a numbing gel designed to help me last longer. FML
Today, while doing it with my girlfriend, she asked, “Will you be done anytime soon?” FML
Today my mom took me to the doctor for my annual physical. Puberty still hasn’t arrived, and the doctor seemed concerned. He left the room, leaving the door ajar. I overheard him discussing my undeveloped penis with my mom, and then he brought her in to show her “the problem.” FML
Today I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to go to the movies. She replied, “Sorry, I have to do stuff with my parents.” Her mom called, and by mistake my girlfriend hit the speakerphone. The first thing her mom said was “Be back at eleven.” FML
Today at 2:23 a.m., my drunken girlfriend called me from a party, where she was the only girl. She seemed to be having a great time. FML
Today my girlfriend made fun of me, saying that I’m too emotional. This really pissed me off, and I started shouting at her to show her that I’m “all man,” which made me start crying. FML
Today I aimed at the little blue disk placed at the bottom of the urinal. I learned the hard way that when the pee splashes off, it makes little blue stains on pants. FML
Today someone I used to know got in touch with me, after I hadn’t heard from him in years. He insisted that we meet up as soon as possible and wanted me to go to his house that afternoon. I spent the afternoon repairing his computer, and I haven’t heard from him since. FML