F My Life (15 page)
Authors: Maxime Valette
Today my mom decided to give me relationship advice. She told me that the key to a happy and successful relationship is “letting your man explore
all
your orifices.” FML
Today I was playing basketball with my little brother. After I jokingly blocked his shot, he turned to me and said, “You’re a bitch.” He’s six. I asked where he had heard that word, and he replied, “Daddy calls you that when you’re not around.” FML
Today my grandmother told me that not only does she not accept me as a homosexual man, but she feels my relationship with a little person is “spitting in God’s face.” FML
Today I met a guy at a bar, and we went back to my apartment. We started having sex, and about thirty seconds in, he stopped and said that it wasn’t right, that he liked me too much for a one-night stand. He gave me his number and a kiss on the cheek and left. He had already come. I called his phone. Wrong number. FML
Today I made a couple of videos of me playing guitar and singing some of my favorite songs. I arrived back from school to find my family huddled around the camcorder, laughing, imitating me, and making jokes about the video. FML
Today my brother joked that our dog was more attractive than I was. I looked to my mom for support, and she said, “Well, she
is
a purebred.” FML
Today I returned from a half-month-long trip to China with a group of friends. I threw myself into my mother’s arms and burst into tears because I was so happy to be home. She stopped me to say, “Listen these last couple of weeks have been some of the best I’ve ever had. Can we try to keep it like that?” FML
Today I woke up to the sound of scissors. My mom was cutting my hair while I was asleep. FML
Today I went to the doctor with my parents. When the doctor asked if I was sexually active, I said yes. My mom laughed and said, “Good one.” My dad, for added effect, said, “Your hand doesn’t count.” FML
Today I saw my mom sneaking meat into her spaghetti sauce. She proceeded to tell me that she sneaks meat into most of the food she cooks. I’ve been a vegetarian for eight years. FML
Today I went to get a condom because my boyfriend and I were going to have sex for the first time. When I opened the drawer, I saw that every single condom had a Jesus pin stabbed through it. A note on top of the box read: “Love, Mom.” FML
Today I kissed my girlfriend, and she tasted like a cigarette. I don’t smoke. She doesn’t smoke. My roommate does. FML
Today my boyfriend called me from a pay phone because he had lost his phone at the airport. When I texted his phone to get a response from the person who had it, I received a message back saying, “Love the pics. Send more
;
).” FML
Today I was discussing sex with some of my guy friends, and I asked one of them what he would do if I got naked and got into his bed. He replied, “Nothing. You’re one of the guys now.” They all agreed. FML
Today I stopped at a lemonade stand on my way to work. A cute little girl handed me a mouthwash-sized cup of juice, and her adorable little brother told me it would be twenty-five cents. All I had was a $20 bill. He shoved it into his overalls pocket, looked up with huge brown eyes, and just said, “Thank you!” FML
Today I came home to tell my parents about the nose job I had done about a month ago. My mom always told me I should get one, so I didn’t tell her about it right away, to see if she would notice. I was home for about twenty minutes before she asked me, “So when are you getting that nose job?” FML
Today I was at my ex-girlfriend’s house. I still have a major crush on her. After cuddling, we watched a movie, and she began to show me several pictures of herself that she had taken on her cell, asking which ones I liked best. She then sent the pictures I had chosen to a guy she had met a week ago. FML
Today my friends and I were celebrating one friend’s promotion. Karen walked in and one of them asked, “Karen, why aren’t you drinking with us?” She replied, “’Cause I would wake up tomorrow with you in my bed and a lot of questions.” Karen is my mom. FML
Today I knew that my girlfriend was having a bad day. I went out to bring her frozen yogurt at work, because she loves it. When I was in the elevator, I overheard her colleague saying that the reason she was upset was because she had been cheating on her boyfriend with her new intern. FML
Today my sister asked if she could look through my closet to find something to wear. She is six months pregnant. FML
Today my boyfriend said that being with me was his payment for past sins. FML
Today I had a performance evaluation meeting with my boss. He told me I was the best in my department and that the productivity has never been higher since I started working here. He continued, saying that because everything is working so well, they don’t need me as much, so he’s cutting my hours. FML
Today an elderly gentleman walked into the UPS Store where I work, asking to use the laminating machine. I explained to him that we keep it behind the counter and that I would do it for him, at which point he produced several graphic photos of him having sex with nasty-looking women. FML
Today my girlfriend was packing for her study abroad program. As a joke, I had bought her a box of condoms. She laughed, saying, “Oh yeah, I’ll definitely need some of those.” Later, I showed up to take her to the airport and saw her open suitcase in the kitchen, with the condoms on top. FML
Today I wanted to have a nice lunch with my wife before fasting for the surgery I’m having tomorrow, which I might not survive. She decided that getting her hair cut was more important. I ate alone. FML
Today I flew to New Zealand to surprise my girlfriend, who was on a trip. At the Auckland airport, I got a text message saying that she wanted to break up with me. I live in Michigan and had just spent $1,500 for this romantic surprise. FML
Today I found out that my mother has another new boyfriend. She told me she wanted me to meet him, and I reluctantly agreed. When I walked out to the living room to meet him, to my surprise, I already knew him. He’s eighteen; my mother is forty-four. He also happens to be in my second-period math class. FML.
Today my family was leaving for a weekend trip and was supposed to pick me up on the way. About an hour before they were supposed to arrive, my mom called to tell me that there was no room left in the car so they wouldn’t be stopping to get me. FML
Today my mom invited my girlfriend and me over to her place. Out of the blue, she pulled out my grandmother’s wedding ring and gave it to me, saying that I could now propose. My girlfriend started screaming and said yes. I have been seeing someone else for three months and was planning to break up with my girlfriend. FML
Today I was over at a friend’s place until very late. At some point, he stole my keys as a joke, but by the time I noticed, he was too drunk to remember where he’d hidden them. FML
Today at work a woman came up to the checkout counter, and when I greeted her, she said, “Oh, honey, you are so beautiful!” I immediately smiled and thanked her, but she looked at me and said, “Oh, not you,” pointing to her ear. She was on her Bluetooth. FML
Today my dad woke me up at six, told me to take a shower, and drove me to school, only to say, “Just kidding. Happy snow day!” FML
Today I decided to be a good driver and not run through the yellow light. As soon as I stopped my car, another came and rear-ended me. The guy told me to pull into the parking lot so we could exchange information. As I drove into the parking lot, I turned my head and watched him drive away. FML
Today I was on my way home from a friend’s house. I called home ahead of time to let my parents know I was coming. My dad picked up and in a panting voice said, “Now isn’t a good time. Drive around the block for fifteen minutes.” FML
Today I was talking to my mom. Out of the blue, she asked me, “Does he take his leg off when you guys are having sex?”—referring to the guy I’ve been seeing, who has a prosthetic leg. My dad then asked, “Does he beat you with it, too, if you’ve been naughty?” FML
Today my girlfriend and I were being driven home from our date by her mother. My girlfriend is Jewish, and I’m Catholic. Her mother was talking about how my girlfriend was going on a trip to Jerusalem that summer. She finished by saying, “And you can find a nice Jewish boy while you’re there.” FML
Today the fitting room of the store I work in smelled really bad. The customers started to complain, and since I was on fitting-room duty, I went to investigate. A middle-aged woman had pooped on the floor and put a chair on top to cover it. FML
Today I received a card in the mail. It was from my vet’s office. Inside the card they had written: “We send our sympathy during this trying time.” I haven’t been home in three days. I can’t find my dog, and my mother won’t talk about it. My dog was seven. She hated that dog. FML
Today I flew home early from a two-month trip to Europe to surprise my boyfriend on his birthday. When I got to his house with a cake I had baked from scratch and a quilt made with silk-screened pictures from my trip, his roommate answered the door and said, “Oh, sorry, he’s out with his girlfriend.” FML
Today I was teasing my little brother. Later that night, I went to the bathroom to wash up. While brushing my teeth, my little brother slipped a photo under the door that showed him scrubbing my toothbrush against his nuts. FML
Today my boyfriend and I went out to eat. The waiter came to take our order. My boyfriend said he wanted a cheeseburger. I ordered the same. My boyfriend looked at me and said, “Are you sure you don’t want a salad?” FML
Today someone stole my phone at a concert. They thought it would be funny to text my mother that I was pregnant. FML
Today my mom decided to give me a solid reason for not having premarital sex. She told me that my future husband will want me to be tight for our first time. My mom and I were on a ski lift. The ride lasted ten more uncomfortable minutes. FML
Today my mother and I went to Walmart to buy sanitary pads. I suggested that I get tampons instead, so that I can go swimming at my boyfriend’s cottage. My mother then went up to the nearest store employee and said, “Excuse me, if my daughter uses a tampon, does that mean she is no longer a virgin?” FML
Today my white mother-in-law called our house phone. Since I’m Chilean and have a fairly heavy accent, she mistook me for the cleaning lady and scolded me for answering the phone. Before I could correct her, she said, “This is why only white people should be allowed in America” and hung up. FML
Today my mother told me that she needed a urine sample from me to send to the doctor to test for allergies. I did what she asked and went to my room. I came downstairs later and found her in the bathroom putting my pee on a pregnancy test stick. FML
Today I had drunken sex with a girl I barely know. I didn’t have a condom and was nervous about getting her pregnant, but she assured me that I could pull out. Just as I was about to pull out, she wrapped her legs around me and yelled, “BE MY BABY’S DADDY!” I couldn’t get out in time. FML
Today I was in my backyard scolding my cat. I yelled, “If you can’t learn to use the bathroom correctly, then I am going to leave your stupid butt out here in the snow until you figure it out!” Later, my neighbor left me a nasty note about child abuse. FML
Today I was at work, and a very obese woman came in to get a pedicure. When she took her shoes off, I noticed an odd black substance on her feet. I started scrubbing it off and wondered out loud, “What
is
this stuff?” As a chunk of it fell onto my lip, she replied, “Girl, that’s just the fungus.” FML
Today my roommate got mad at me for putting away the tampons that had been sitting on her desk. She rebelled by hanging hundreds of tampons, dyed red, from every surface in our room. I discovered this while giving my mom her first tour of the place. FML
Today my boyfriend and I were about to have sex. Just as things were heating up, my closet door flew open and my little brother ran out screaming, “Mom, they’re doing it, come quick!” My mom had paid my nine-year-old brother to spy on me. FML
Today I had just finished having dinner with my boyfriend, so I leaned over to him and said seductively, “How about some dessert?” He looked at me and said, “Babe, you really don’t need it.” FML
Today I took a cab home from the airport. The taxi driver was on the phone and not really paying attention. I paid him and got out of the cab, but he drove away before I could get my luggage out of the trunk. FML