F My Life (14 page)
Authors: Maxime Valette
Today the ugliest girl in school walked by me and said, “Ewwww.” FML
Today a co-worker asked me if I had a comb he could borrow. I’m bald. FML
Today I went to Walmart with my mom. I was eating a bag of chips in the checkout line while my mom bought her stuff. I inhaled while eating, and I started to choke. The cashier asked me if I was okay. My mom just waved her hand and said, “Sometimes she does that for attention. Ignore her.” FML
Today, while watching the trailer at the movies, my boyfriend elbowed me in the ribs and smiled during an ad for a weight loss institute. FML
Today my mom asked me for advice on how to give a good blow job. I’m a guy. FML
Today the guy I’ve secretly been in love with for years told me how hot my brother is. FML
Today I was lying in bed with my boyfriend, and he grabbed my double chin and went, “Gobble, gobble.” FML
Today I figured I’d throw my ex-boyfriend a compliment and told him how “gifted” he was below the belt. He thought he was paying me a compliment in return when he told me how much he loves that little roll of skin that pops up over the top of my pants when I sit down. I’m trying to lose weight. FML
Today I have to be at work with a smile on my face while sitting next to the asshole who dumped me last week. FML
Today I’m looking for a job, and the employer I spoke to by phone was busy, but before hanging up he said, “We will call you soon.” He never asked for my number. FML
Today I told my mom that I want to have liposuction. She said, “What’s the point? You can’t have lipo done on your face.” FML
Today my boyfriend showed his mother photos of me. She thought that I looked like a celebrity from her country of Korea. Flattered, I Googled this celebrity. She is a porn star who’s had multiple cosmetic surgeries. FML
Today I sent my résumé to about a dozen jobs on Craigslist. I realized that I hadn’t updated it in a while, so I went to double-check it after the fact. My ex had changed my objective to “I’m a cocksucker who needs a job real bad.” FML
Today my dad walked into the arena where I was watching a hockey game with my boyfriend and his friends. My dad was wearing a crazy gray Mohawk wig. My boyfriend had just finished telling me how embarrassing it would be to be that guy’s kid. FML
Today I went to the doctor to talk about my depression and low self-esteem. He told me that I shouldn’t think of myself as a fat pig for being overweight. I didn’t think I was overweight. FML
Today I asked my mom how much she had set aside for college. She looked at me as if I were crazy and said, “Why the hell would I do anything like that?” FML
Today I went out to eat with my aunt and uncle. I barely looked at the cute waiter because I’m a terribly shy person. Then my uncle exclaimed, “You should take out my niece! She’s never dated in her life.” I’m twenty-eight. FML
Today I handed in my PhD dissertation, which I have spent the past year researching and writing full-time. Last night, my roommate set an autocorrect in the word-processing program that changed “neither” to “nigger.” I didn’t notice until after I had handed it in. My professor is black. FML
Today my boyfriend asked me to go to a car show. I told him to hold on, I had to ask my mom. I quietly asked her to say no for me. She loudly said, “Sure!” FML
Today I was playing with three kids that I look after. The middle one has just learned about sex and, as a joke, started chanting that I had done it with the eldest kid. We were in the yard, and the neighbors heard. I was fired and escorted off the premises, and now I am being investigated by the police. FML
Today at work I was refilling some guy’s iced tea, and the uppity jerk had the gall to ask me if I had ever kissed a girl, considering how fat I am, how high my voice is, and how little money I make. FML
Today I was complaining to my sister about how jealous I was of her looks. Her response was: “Sometimes it’s okay to be the ugly sister. Like, you have less of a chance of getting raped.” FML
Today I came to work with a new haircut, and everyone asked me if I had lost a bet. FML
Today I woke up next to a slumbering girl I had just met the night before. She had all the covers on top of her, and I was cold. Not only was
I
cold, but the sheets were really cold. When I got up, I realized that she’d peed all over my sheets. FML
Today I realized that it’s been five days since my boyfriend last answered the phone when I called. Two weeks ago, he told me he used to break up with his girlfriends in a very juvenile way: He wouldn’t answer their phone calls. FML
Today I told my girlfriend that I didn’t feel wanted. Then she proceeded to talk about how her cat had puked on the carpet. FML
Today I was sitting at home, venting to my parents about how I never get asked out by any of the guys at school. My dad’s words of wisdom were: “Don’t worry, looks don’t matter so much in college. Once they’ve had a few beers, they’ll date anything.” FML
Today I woke up to find that my dog was missing. I had spent about an hour searching for him, when my psycho ex-girlfriend texted me his photo. She’d kidnapped him. When I drove over to her place, she shot paintballs at my car. Now I have no dog and a colorful car. FML
Today my girlfriend gave me a blow-up doll and told me to practice. FML
Today my wife left me the following voice mail: “Alex, last night was amazing. You took me to places I’ve never been to before. I can’t wait to see you tonight after work.” My name is Rob. We haven’t had sex in two years. FML
Today I got a text message. It said, “I’m so drunk. What you up to, girl?” It was from my dad. FML
Today I went on a first date with a guy I had met at a speed-dating event. We went out to dinner, and he recommended the lamb shank, which I proceeded to order without looking at the menu. When the waiter took my order, my date said, “Wait, the lamb is $27, why don’t you get the chicken.” Then he ordered the lamb. FML
Today I sang at a retirement home with my school choir. Afterward, we went to speak to the old people, just to get to know them a little. The first woman I met asked, “Are you a boy or a girl?” FML
Today I texted my boyfriend to say hi. He responded, “I got your best friend pregnant.” FML
Today my mother and I got into a huge fight about me being a lesbian. It ended with me saying “Fuck you!” to which she responded, “I bet you’d probably like to.” FML
Today I wore a cute new striped shirt to work. One of my co-workers said to me, “I like your shirt. Most fat people don’t look good in horizontals.” FML
Today I heard my sister masturbating in her room. I took the dog around the block to get out of the house, and I came back to see her leaving her room … with my electric toothbrush in her hand. FML
Today I went to get my school picture taken. The photographer looked at me and said, “You look like you need a mirror.” FML
Today I was tutoring kids at an elementary school. One kid messed up my hair. I said, “Why’d you do that?” He said, “I have lice. Now you have lice, too!” FML
Today my boss fired me via text message. I don’t have a text-messaging plan. I paid twenty-five cents to get fired. FML
Today I got my boyfriend a pair of concert tickets for his birthday. He loved the gift, but he turned to me and asked, “Do I have to bring you?” FML
Today I told my mom that I was going through a growth spurt. She said, “Yeah, horizontally.” FML
Today I had to get my driver’s license picture taken, and after the first
try,
the woman said, “It looks like your eyes are closed.” I’m Asian. FML
Today we wrote Valentine’s Day poems in class. I wrote a very depressing poem about how I had been rejected by all the girls I liked and how it hurt to be alone. When it was read to the class, they laughed and told me it was hilarious—even the teacher. FML
Today I went on a coffee date with a guy I’m interested in. He picked up his phone mid-date to finalize dinner plans with another girl. FML
Today I was trying on lingerie in the dressing room of Victoria’s Secret, with my boyfriend next to me. I told him in a seductive, playful tone, “You can stay and watch if you give me a piece of your gum.” He said, “Nope, I only have three more,” and left. FML
Today, as I sat on my couch, heartbroken from a recent breakup, my mother walked up to me and in a very comforting voice said, “Maybe he left you for someone else.” FML
Today I was at a fraternity party, and one of the hosts said over the loudspeaker, “Turn to the person next to you and picture them naked, then drink a beer if the mental image disturbs you.” I turned, only to be face-to-face with my ex-boyfriend. He drank two beers. FML
Today I went alone to a fast-food restaurant to pick up food for a work party. I ordered 250 chicken fingers, 15 orders of fries, and 2 gallons of tea, and the guy behind the counter asked, “Is this for here or to go?” FML
Today I was sleeping, when my roommate walked in and asked, “So … when are you leaving?” She was throwing a party in our apartment. I wasn’t invited. FML
Today my ex-boyfriend came over. After I finished pouring my heart out to him about how much I missed him and how much I loved him, he looked at me and asked, “So are we gonna do it or what?” FML
Today my boyfriend and I were hooking up while watching a movie. Just as I was really getting into it, he told me to move my head. He couldn’t see the television. FML
Today I went to McDonald’s for lunch and ordered a salad. The man behind the counter looked at me and said, “Well, at least you’re trying.” FML
Today I had sex with a guy for the first time. After he passionately made love to me, I turned to him and said, “You smell really good.” He turned to me and said, “You don’t.” FML
Today I returned home from college and saw a framed picture of my parents and my younger sister on an elephant in the jungle. I pointed to the picture and asked my mom, “Is this some Photoshop job?” She responded, “No, we went to Thailand for a family trip. Didn’t we tell you?” FML
Today I called my boyfriend, crying, to tell him I had the most terrible day. He said I should come over and he would make me feel better. I said that I just want to snuggle and that I was impressed with his sincerity. Then he said, “Can we snuggle … with my dick in you?” FML
Today I went to chill with my best guy friend and his girlfriend, whom I had recently met after I moved to the area. After a few beers, my buddy leaned over and tried to make out with me. I quickly backed up and, shocked, looked over at his girlfriend, expecting the same reaction. She winked. FML
Today at work I was reading
The Very Hungry Caterpillar
to a class of five-year-olds. I got near the end of the book and said, “Look at the big fat caterpillar,” to which one of my pupils replied, “Just like you!” FML
Today I complimented my mom by saying, “Hey, I think you lost some weight.” She replied, “Yeah, I think you found it.” FML
Today I was feeling really upset and called my boyfriend. He said, “Can you feel upset a little later? I’m watching a movie.” FML
Today my grandmother patched my $300, vintage, limited-edition designer jeans because she thought I’d accidentally ripped them. FML
