F My Life (12 page)
Authors: Maxime Valette
Today I went to a speed-dating evening. After seven minutes, the girl told me she wasn’t interested. I asked her at what point of the conversation she had made up her mind, and she answered, “When you said ‘Hello.’ Goodbye.” FML
Today I turned around in my cubicle to see my whole department getting ready to have lunch together. Nobody had mentioned it to me. FML
Today I got a letter of acceptance from Princeton. I jumped for joy, screaming at the top of my lungs. My little brother walked in with his camcorder, laughing, and handed me the real letter. I had been turned down. FML
Today I went out to lunch with two friends from high school. We saw a girl that we had graduated with at the restaurant. The girl gave both of them hugs and introduced herself to me. FML
Today I just found out that the co-worker I had refused to leave my wife for is now happily married to someone else. I’m now divorced. FML
Today, though I’m normally unperturbed by my single status, I walked by some squirrels engaged in mating rituals and felt a pang of jealousy FML
Today I told my boyfriend that I don’t like his facial hair and that he should shave it off. He replied, “You first.” FML
Today I realized that I regret that break my ex and I took. I thought it would lead him to stop flirting and cheating with other girls and be with only me forever. Now I’m the girl he cheats on his girlfriend with. FML
Today I saw a friend in the street, but he didn’t see me, so as a joke I decided to call him. He took his cell phone out of his pocket, sighed, and ignored it. FML
Today my boyfriend told me I smell like vegetables. FML
Today my mom asked all the old ladies in her church to pray that I meet “someone special.” FML
Today I was trying to finish an English assignment but was not sure how to complete it. So I emailed my teacher to ask her, and she responded, “Flip over the handout for instructions.” FML
Today the only cute girl in my office made fun of me because I’m twenty-seven and bring fruit cups with my lunch. FML
Today I daringly tried that fish bath treatment—where the fish come to you and eat all of your skin’s dead cells. I submerged myself in it, and after fifteen minutes of my being their human buffet, twenty of the fish died. FML
Today I told the man I love to “go first” when we started talking at the same time. I wanted to confess my feelings; he wanted to tell me about his engagement. FML
Today I realized that I’ve been dating a girl for a year, and she’s only touched my penis twice. Once was by accident. FML
Today my brother’s girlfriend dumped him. I overheard my mom tell him, “It could be worse. Your brother can’t even get a girlfriend.” FML
Today I realized that I know more about the Transformers’ history than I do about talking to women. FML
Today I went to Target to buy some soap, and a seventy-year-old woman next to me was asking a sales associate if they had any bubble bath mix. I suddenly pictured her naked, bathing herself, and my dick just couldn’t stay still. I haven’t had sex in almost two years. FML
Today my girlfriend dumped me, proclaiming that she wanted someone more like her “Edward.” I asked her who Edward was. She held up a copy of her
Twilight
book. She was talking about a fictional vampire. FML
Today I sent a Facebook friend request to my ex. This afternoon I noticed that she had accepted and left a message for me in my inbox … asking how she knew me. FML
Today I had to walk home from school in the rain because my mom claimed she didn’t have a car to pick me up in. When I got home, there was a car in the driveway. FML
Today I am contemplating ending my relationship of six years. My boyfriend is too busy playing Guitar Hero to listen. FML
Today I made a Craigslist ad looking for hot and horny women who wanted some. I got only one reply, from another guy asking me if this kind of thing actually works. FML
Today, just before I was going to end a thing I had with this guy, he beat me to it. It turned out that he had gotten back together with his ex-girlfriend and was just using me as a backup. FML.
Today I sneezed so hard I herniated my back. After passing out from the pain, I awoke on the floor, covered in my own shit and piss. Unable to move, I had to wait in this state for four hours until my wife returned home from work, cleaned me up, and took me to the hospital. FML
Today my dad learned how to use parental controls. I now have an 11:00 curfew. I am seventeen. FML
Today I hid my credit card from myself so I wouldn’t use it. Now I can’t find it. FML
Today I was on the phone with my boyfriend for over an hour, listening to him talk about his new truck and his final exams. I literally did not say one word. I finally got the chance to say, “Hey, baby, guess what happened to me today?” He replied, “Can I go to sleep? I’m too tired to guess. Good night.” And he hung up. FML
Today I gathered the courage to participate in a class discussion. My professor laughed at me. FML
Today I woke up at 5:15 a.m., shoveled and salted the driveway for over an hour, left early, and drove an hour on shitty roads to get to work on time, only to be laid off. FML
Today, on my eighteenth birthday, my mom told me that the man I had thought was my father for my whole life was actually not my father. My real father is in prison for murder. FML
Today I went to the office and told my boss that I hated my job and was quitting. I tried to rush out, but I slipped and fell on the marble floor in front of the whole office. FML
Today the girl I have had a crush on for two years snuck up from behind me to give me a hug. I farted very loudly at the same exact moment. FML
Today I was offered a job. It took me only a year and seventeen interviews to get an offer. I have a PhD. FML
Today I remembered that I bought thirty condoms last year. I now have twenty-nine. FML
Today I was with the guy I am seeing, and we were fooling around in my room. I proposed sex. He said he didn’t have time because he had to go play Mario Kart. FML
Today I hung out with my crush at his apartment for only the second time. He was having a party. After a few sips of my green apple Smirnoff, I puked up the Chinese food I had eaten earlier all over his new couch in front of him and a bunch of strangers. FML
Today I masturbated three times to the thought of my wife because we don’t have sex anymore. FML
Today I had a wet dream. When I woke up, I was touching myself. I also woke up to find that I had fallen asleep on the couch after eating too much turkey at a family reunion. Twenty relatives were giving me nasty looks. FML
Today I asked a guy out on a coffee date, and we started talking about our mutual careers. At the end of the date, he asked me if I had any more questions about job opportunities or any more advice, then shook my hand and gave me his card. FML
Today my fiancé told me that he no longer loves me, that he still has feelings for an ex. The wedding is off, and he needs the ring back to give to the right woman. FML
Today my four-year-old niece asked me why I didn’t have a job or a wife. FML
Today I was singing to my cat, and she reached up and put her paw over my mouth. FML
Today my father asked me if he could borrow my electric razor because he wanted to “surprise Mom later.” Anxious to see him without his lifelong beard, I willingly agreed. Half an hour later he exited the bathroom, beard fully intact. FML
Today I listened to my roommate having sex from 3:00 until 6:00 a.m. When I looked over at my girlfriend, who must have thought I was sleeping, I noticed that she was masturbating. FML
Today, for the first time ever, I saw a vagina in person. It was during med school training on how to do a pelvic exam. FML
Today, at the elementary school where I teach, the kids all voted for their favorite teacher. I was the only one to receive zero votes. When I asked a small group of students why no one had voted for me, one boy replied, “Because you’re the ugliest.” FML
Today I was going down on a girl. When I looked up, she was texting. FML
Today my phone rang for the first time in four days. It was my mom. She had dialed the wrong number. FML
Today I discovered a drawer in my house that was full of chocolates, cookies, and baked goods. When I asked my sister what the drawer was for, she told me that my mom thought it would be a good idea to hide the fattening foods from me. My entire family knew about the food drawer except me. FML
Today I woke up around 5:00 a.m. after a party I had given last night. I was still quite drunk. This chick from the night before was lying next to me. I kissed her, and about a minute and a half into some heavy making out she opened her eyes and said, “Oh, it’s you.” Then she got up and walked out. FML
Today, having just told me what a great job I’ve been doing and how he’d really like to start giving me some more responsibility, my boss asked me if I’d sharpen a couple of pencils for him. FML
Today I am finally dating the girl I have liked on and off for the past year. In the school play. FML
Today I cut myself with childproof scissors. FML
Today a flight attendant asked me if I was airsick, because I looked really pale. I told her that that was my normal complexion but thanked her for her concern. She insisted, “No, that can’t be normal.” FML
Today I couldn’t decide what was worse, my mom walking in on me pleasuring myself or the one-hour talk about how it’s perfectly normal and even she does it. FML
Today my sister teased me about being a mistake. When I told my mom what my sister had said, her response was “I still love you anyway.” FML
Today I made a joke about my wedding to my mom, and she told me not to joke about something that will probably never happen. FML
Today I finally reunited with old friends from school. It was great to see everyone all grown up and hear their stories. Before leaving, we decided to have a group photo for old times’ sake. They asked me to take the picture. FML
Today I received my passport in the mail. They got my birth date wrong. Then I picked up my birth certificate, which I had sent in with the application. It turned out that my parents have been celebrating my birthday on the wrong day for sixteen years. FML
Today I found dark hairs growing on my chest, nipples, and stomach. I’m a nineteen-year-old girl. FML
