Fallen Desire (13 page)

“He was just saying that to scare you and to get you to not trust me, Lindsay.  I would never hurt you, and I want you to know that.  I love you.  I may not be perfect, and I have made some bad decisions in my life, but when I’m with you all I want is to be good.  You make me feel right, and you make me want to do the right thing.” 

“What could you have possibly done that is so bad?  You’re only seventeen, Ethan, so I’m sure there isn’t that much trouble you could have gotten yourself into that I wouldn’t understand.”

“I want you to know everything about me, but it is late, and you need to rest.  I should go home now,” he says. 

I don’t want him to leave.  I finally have him here with me and all I’m doing is interrogating him about some dumb things Derrick said.  “No!  I mean, can’t you just stay tonight?  Just lay next to me tonight.  I haven’t seen you in what feels like forever and don’t want you to leave so soon.”  I know I sound desperate, but I just don’t want to be alone.  I don’t want him to go, mostly because I don’t know when I’ll see him again. 

“Of course I’ll stay, Lindsay, if that is what you want.  I do think you should try and sleep, though.  I know you’ve had a long night.”  The way he says “long night” seems a little strange. 

I’m not really sure if he’s talking about my little encounter with Derrick and having to get him off of me before things went too far or the fight in the front yard.  There’s no way he can know about what
happened between Derrick and I so he’s probably just speaking about the fight.  “Thank you.  I am sorry about tonight.”  I have to say sorry even if he doesn’t know that I’m apologizing for how far I let things go with Derrick. 

“Lindsay, you don’t have to be sorry about anything.  I love you.”   He kisses my forehead, and I lay into his chest and close my eyes.  I don’t dream tonight, and the whole night I smelt his wonderful scent.  When I awoke, he was still here, laying in the same position as if he hadn’t moved all night.  His hair perfectly frames his face and his eyes look straight at me.  “Did you sleep well?” 

“Yeah.  Thanks, Ethan for not leaving.  How did you sleep?  You look like you barely moved.” 

“I didn’t move.  I watched you sleep all night.  I guess I got a little shut-eye, but I didn’t want to take my eyes off of you.  You are so beautiful, Lindsay.”  He’s wonderful, and I don’t even know if I deserve a guy like this.  Before he can lean into kiss me, I move off the bed and toward my bathroom.  The last thing I want is for him to kiss me when I have morning breath.

“I’m going to hop in the shower really quick.  You’re still going to be here when I get out right?” 

“I’m not going anywhere.  Not unless you ask me to.”

“Great.  Be out in a few minutes then.”  I’m sure my mom and dad would kill me if they knew I had a boy stay over, so I quickly lock my door knowing that it is Sunday and they are home.  They’re probably still sleeping since this is the one day they sleep in till ten, but I don’t want to take any chances of them walking into find Ethan in my bed.  Ethan watches me lock the door, gives me a little smile as I walk to my bathroom.  I’m fearful to leave him in my room just because I really am not sure if he will still be here when I come out. 

My shower is efficient but fast.  I don’t want to leave him waiting for too long.  I brush my teeth and then stop to take a look in the mirror.  I look like I finally got a goodnight’s sleep.  My hair is shiny and appears healthy, and my face seems brighter than usual.  As I walk out the bathroom, I see Ethan still sitting on my bed but now toward the center looking like he’s getting a little comfortable.  I had put on some clean stretch pants and a tee that I had in the bathroom and have my hair pulled up into a pony tail still wet from the shower.

“You look amazing,” he says. 

“Are you being sarcastic, Ethan, because this is definitely not one of my better looks?”

We just laugh and I make my way to my bed, crawl down beside him, and lay my head on his chest.  He wraps his arm around me and kisses my forehead. 

“You are so special, Lindsay, and I don’t think you know it.  You changed me the moment we met.  All I live for now is you and to make you happy.  I want nothing more out of this life then your love.”  He kisses my head again, and I snuggle in tighter.  This is real and I can feel it.  This is what love feels like.  With Derrick, everything is different.  I lose myself when I’m with him, but not in a good way. 
I can feel that he cares, but I’m not sure that those emotions are directed toward me or if he just doesn’t want Ethan and I to be together.  I feel so much when I’m with Derrick, but I’m not sure if it is
my
emotions I’m feeling.  It seems strange, and I can’t explain it, but with Ethan I have a clear mind and feel like myself.  With Derrick, it is like this crazy comes out of me, and I lose control.  I can sense the good that Derrick has inside, but what happens to me when I’m with him isn’t right.  I know Ethan has a lot that he’s keeping from me.  He admits that he isn’t perfect and I can sense that he wants to be good but something pulls him back.  He needs me in order for him to be good.  I look up into Ethan’s extraordinarily black eyes and can see a wonderful guy, and I know there’s so much to him that is good. 

“I don’t want you to leave, but you might want to sneak out and then come back through the front door so I don’t have to hide you in here all day.”  Plus I want to get some actual clothes on and maybe even a little make-up. 

“Why don’t I go get myself cleaned up, and I’ll come back,” he says. “We can go out and enjoy the day today.” 

“That sounds great.  Hurry up though I don’t want to wait here too long.” 

He gives me one last kiss and then is out my window before I know it.  It’s nice that he isn’t throwing himself on me like how Derrick did.  I throw on some shorts and a cute T-shirt and put on a little make-up and also dry my hair so I can wear it down.  I really can’t wait to be able to spend a full day with him.  I’m as excited as a kid in a candy store.  Maybe I’ll get a chance to find out a little more about him.  Like where he comes from and what he does that keeps him so busy.  Maybe I can get to the bottom of what it is that has been holding him back from me.  Before I know it the doorbell rings.  It must be him already.  I almost trip running to the door so fast.  My excitement and emotions heightened at the thought of being with him.  I open the door and gasp in shock taking in the immediate disappointment. 

“Derrick?”  I’m still a little upset with him about last night.  I know he cares and all, but I can’t think around him.  I can’t concentrate when he touches me or gets close to me.  I hold the door slightly open in hopes that I don’t get mesmerized by him again.  “What are you doing here?”

“I thought I would come by and apologize again for last night.  I feel horrible that I was trying to push you into doing something you weren’t comfortable with, and I feel even worse about the encounter with Ethan.  I should have been a little more mature about it.  I was hoping I could make it up to you today.”  He sounds so sincere.  I kind of feel a little bad for being so upset with him and thinking that he has some kind of control over my mind.  I mean, I did know him before I met Ethan and he never tried to convince me of anything before.  Actually, he has always been extra sweet and kind to me, more kind to me than anyone else ever was. 

“I do appreciate you coming over here to apologize, Derrick, but I already have plans for today, so maybe we can get together another time?” 

“Oh, okay well what is it that you’re doing today?  Are you going to be with Ethan?”

The way he says Ethan’s name shows how much anger he holds toward him.  I really can’t figure out why he has this grudge.  It seems like it is more than just the fact that Ethan and I have this relationship.  It’s like Derrick knows something about Ethan that I don’t.  “Not that it’s any of your business but yes, I am spending the day with Ethan.  We’ve gone over this before, Derrick.  I can’t be anything more than a friend.  I have feelings for Ethan.  I don’t want to lose you because of him.  I need you to be my friend and be here for me, and I have to apologize for yesterday, too.  I shouldn’t have allowed it to go so far.  I just wanted a nice night with you and things got out of hand.  It won’t happen again.” 

“I understand, Lindsay.  I’ll always be here for you whenever you need me or want me.  I’ll talk to you later then and maybe we can get together over the next few days.”  He pushes the door open slightly more and leans in to kiss my cheek. 

The moment his lips touch me that now familiar sensation takes over and I lean into him a little more as he moves his lips from my cheek to my mouth.  Our lips press together
, his body moves in closer to mine and again I have no control.  I don’t want him to stop.  Everything in my body is telling me yes.  His touch is amazing; he sends flames running through me from head to toe.  When he touches me all I can think about is him.  His lips and that body that can stop any girls breath, pressed on me and our skin touching.  The feeling is overwhelming.  He has this power that takes over me.  He pulls away gently and gives me his handsome smile and as I’m looking at him I see Ethan standing outside on the walk way watching us.  My heart sinks.  What am I doing?  How is it that I can be this attracted to both of these guys and lose myself in them?  The last thing I want to do is lose Ethan.  I hate myself right now.  Right after I have Ethan over and am telling him I love him now I’m practically throwing myself at Derrick. 

“Sorry.  You’re just amazing, Lindsay, and when I see you and feel you I don’t want to let you go.  It looks like he’s back for you.”  Derrick gestures toward Ethan standing with his hands in his pockets. 

I can’t find the words to respond as I’m in shock that I just kissed Derrick again and this time Ethan was definitely watching.  What does he mean by back for me?  Does he know that Ethan stayed the night?  Derrick turns away and walks back down the path to his car and doesn’t even look at Ethan.  Ethan’s eyes don’t leave me.  He doesn’t look mad but I can see the anguish hidden in his expression.  I know I couldn’t stand to see him with another girl and here he has to watch me making out with someone he obviously hates.  I’m a horrible person. 

“Ethan!  I’m sorry.  It didn’t mean anything.  Actually I don’t even know why I let him get to me like that.  It’s like I lose control of myself every time he touches me.” 

“It’s not your fault Lindsay.  Come on let’s get out of here.” 

“What do you mean it’s not my fault?”  I raise my voice angry that he isn’t showing the slightest emotion about what just took place.  He should be yelling at me.  “I was practically throwing myself on him.  Who else’s fault could that be?”  The last thing I want is him pretending like everything’s fine when it’s not!  I’m fighting a battle within and someone is going to end up hurt. 

“I guess I’m just saying that there is something special about you and anyone would want to try and seduce you.  It’s not your fault that you’re attracted to him Lindsay.  Let’s not worry about it today though.  I have something I want to show you.” 

I can tell he doesn’t want to waste time with this issue right now so I take a deep breath pushing what just happened aside for now.  “Alright well, let me go tell my mom I’m heading out, and I’ll be right back.”  I leave him at the door and run up to my mom’s room to let her know I’m going to be gone for the day.  How can Ethan be so cool about me making out with Derrick?  He acts like it doesn’t even bother him.  If I wasn’t good at reading people, then I wouldn’t be able to see right through him and know that it hurts him to see me with Derrick.  I just don’t understand why he doesn’t express it to me or why he doesn’t blame me for kissing Derrick.

***

“My mom has no problem with me going out today.  Guess her and my
dad wanna get some rest anyways.  So, where are we going?” 

Ethan smiles and answers quietly, “Actually there’s a path back behind your house that leads up into the forest and I’d like to take you up there.  There’s a place I know, somewhere we can be alone.  I have something I need to share with you Lindsay.  It will be a private place for us to be able to talk and get to know some things about one another.” 

First, I would think he’s trying to get into my pants but his tone is serious enough that I’m hoping he’s going to come clean about his past and what kind of person he is and most of all what he’s hiding.  We walk to the creek holding hands.  Every few steps he glances at me with a sort of worried look in his face.  He smiles, but I know it’s covering up something that’s much deeper.  He seems nervous.  We walk for a while; it seems like almost a half an hour.  “I didn’t realize this forest was so large back here,” I say, “I’ve never come this far back.”

“Well I want to take you to this opening.  There’s a little clearing so we can sit in the sun and enjoy the gorgeous day.  I know how you love just observing the world around you, so I figure what a better place than right in the middle of nature to enjoy the sun and a day getting to know one another?” 

Now I feel like he’s definitely covering something up.  He’s having difficulty looking me in the eyes, and I can feel the shake in his hand.  “Well, are we almost there, because I would like to be able to sit back and start relaxing?” I say it teasingly, but I really am getting tired.

“Here we are.  See, there’s just a little bit of clearing, enough for just a handful of people to be comfortable and just enough room for a blanket for the two of us.”