Fallen Desire (10 page)

“I didn’t come here to upset you, Lindsay.  I just don’t want to see you get hurt, I guess.  I want to tell you that you mean more to me then you know and if you need me for anything I’m here for you.”

“I know that you’re looking out for me Derrick, but you don’t know Ethan like I do, and I know that I’m perfectly fine with him. 
More than perfect, actually.  When I’m with Ethan – well, I can’t explain the way that I feel toward him.  I don’t expect you to understand that.”

“Actually I do understand, Lindsay, and I know a lot more about Ethan than you might think.  All I can ask is that you just be careful.  I guess all I’m really trying
to say is to just take it slow with Ethan and get to know him.  Just as I would like to get to know you better, as friends, of course.  I was hoping that maybe I could take you out to dinner on Saturday as a friend taking another friend out for a fun time, and this way we’re able to get to know one another better as well.  What do you say?  We don’t have to talk about Ethan.  I promise no more love advice from the guy friend.”

“That sounds good.  I really do like being around you, Derrick.  Your friendship means a lot to me, and I appreciate your concern.”

He gives me a big smile and leans into hug me.  He smells so good that all of a sudden I’m lost in him for a moment, and it is only us two sitting here on the grassy hill with the sun shining above us and the water moving swiftly in the creek below our feet.  Only Derrick!  Perfection in my arms, giving me the comfort and protection of a thousand warriors.  His flawlessness and his warm body pressing against mine as I feel both of our heartbeats, mine beginning to beat rapidly as I start turning red due to the irrepressible reaction that I have when I’m near him.  As he pulls away from the hug, I can’t help but lean into him.  Our lips move in toward each other beginning to touch and an incredible sensation moves through my body.  He tastes so good and gives my body chills from head to toe of pleasure.  The kiss is soft and caring.  When he pulls away I don’t want him to stop.  I look into his eyes and he holds a huge grin on his face, a smile of happiness and content with what just took place. 

“I guess you might like me a little more than what you thought, Lindsay,” he says. 

“I’m so sorry, Derrick.  I don’t know what is wrong with me.  When you’re near me, everything just feels so right.  It is like Ethan doesn’t even exist when we’re together.  Please forgive me, I don’t mean to make things more complicated.”

“
Its okay, Lindsay.  Don’t even worry about it.  Any time you want to kiss me you’re welcome to and you don’t even have to ask.” 

I couldn’t help but laugh.  I’m sure he doesn’t mind me kissing him at all.  It is my mixed emotions that are driving me crazy.  A split second before he hugged me everything seemed to be figured out.  Ethan is the one I love, and Derrick and I are just friends.  Then Derrick has to go and hug me, which isn’t even that big of a deal but it was like I became consumed by him and no longer even held feelings for Ethan or at least ones that I realized when in Derrick’s arms.  I wanted Derrick, and that was all I wanted.  As soon as I realize this, though, and disconnect myself from him, it is like everything is clearer again and Ethan is back in the picture.  “Thanks again for not making me feel bad and again I’m sorry.  I really don’t want to give you the wrong idea and kissing you doesn’t help my case at all.”

“Well, I better head out and I’ll let you enjoy the rest of your peaceful afternoon without any more confusion that you probably already have and again don’t worry about me.  I’m aware that you only want to be friends and just so you know if you want to be friends that kiss I am definitely okay with that to.”  A big smile spreads across his face pleased with his smart remark.

“I don’t know about that Derrick but it was nice seeing you and I really do appreciate your concern.”  I just smile and brush it off because there’s no way I can be falling for Ethan and then kissing Derrick at the same time.  It isn’t fair to Ethan, and it messes with my head too much. 

“Yeah, of course.  I’ll talk to you soon.  Saturday!” he says. 

Watching him walk away all I can feel and think about is him and the feelings that are developing inside me.  I have no control over what is going on with me.  These guys seem to
heighten my emotions with their mere presence.  Now sitting here is no longer peaceful, as I have all these thoughts racing through my mind about Derrick and Ethan and how I feel about them.  As much as I care about Derrick, he really did ruin my perfect moment.  Things are so complicated.  I don’t know when I’ll see Ethan next, but I’m starting to not want to see him until I can get my emotions straight.  What I’m doing isn’t fair to anyone.  I most definitely need the rest of the day to myself.  I care about Derrick more than a friend and I’m just trying to avoid these feelings that fill by body every time I see or get near him. 

Ethan is a whole other situation.  I feel like when I’m with him I never want to leave.  He’s filled with mystery it draws me to him wanting to figure him out.  I only recognized my feelings for them less than a week ago and I feel so strongly toward the both of them it is absolutely insane.  I do believe in fate and destiny but I guess I didn’t think it happened so young.  Maybe my destiny in my lifetime has something to do with both of these guys.  I have to go with how I feel and see where it leads me.  I know
with all certainty that I want to be with Ethan but I just can’t explain why.  There is something about him that lures me in and creates this desirable attraction emotionally and sexually.  With Derrick, it is a little different.  I’m not as drawn to him when he’s not around but when I am in his presence I want him as much as I want Ethan.  Derrick is security and safe for me.  I can sense his soul is pure and filled with love.  I know that there’s something dark in Ethan that he’s hiding otherwise he wouldn’t seem so secretive.  I’ve always had a good sense about people and I’m sure I’m not wrong about either of them.  Maybe I need to help Ethan with whatever it is that he’s hiding from me.  This could be why I’m so attracted to him.  It is fate that we met. 

I’m probably supposed to help him get through whatever hard times he’s going through right now.  Sometimes we need that perfect friend to stand by us in our most difficult times.  Next time I see him, I will do all I can to get him to open up to me and let me know what it is that he’s hiding.  I want to be there for him and I’m going to let him know it.

I love Ethan, and I will do anything for him.

EIGHT

I can’t believe it’s Saturday, and I still haven’t seen or heard from Ethan since that night out with Kim.  I’m slowly dying inside of heartbreak.  I know that he said he wasn’t sure when he could see me, but I was really hoping that he would still try and contact me every day.  Even though I feel torn between him and Derrick, I still can’t stop thinking about the next time I’ll see Ethan.  Hanging out with Kim is fun, and I’m glad to have someone to talk to, but the more I talk about it the more it hurts.  Every night my dreams remind me how connected I am to Ethan, even subconsciously.  It is rare that I dream of Derrick.  It is as if I cannot escape him even in my mind.  Even if Ethan does try to come by and see me tonight, I won’t be home.  I’ll be out with Derrick on our dinner date as friends that I agreed to.  Inside I don’t want to go out with Derrick tonight in fear that I’ll end up missing Ethan’s visit, but I know I can’t wait around for him forever because who knows the next time he will come over to see me.  Today I have plans to spend some time with my mom and dad.  They are taking me out to coffee this morning and then doing some shopping at the mall.  After that it will be time to meet up with Derrick.  My mom is always saying how we don’t get enough family time together since my dad is working all the time, which it is true.  I do feel like I’m home by myself quite often.  So even though I have a lot on my mind, I had suggested we spend the afternoon together today.  They both seem extremely pleased about it.  I’m happy to be able to spend some time with them, too, but I’m not sure how much of me will actually be present as I have a feeling I’m not going to be able to block all of my thoughts.  I’ve so much on my mind that it is hard to focus.  If I had to be in school right now, I don’t know what I’d do, probably fail my classes because I’d be day dreaming.  Thank goodness for summer! 

“Lindsay, are you almost ready to go?” my mom hollers at me from the bottom of the stairs. 

I’m as ready as I’ll ever be.  This will be a good thing though.  I have to remember that going out and enjoying my family and friends is what I need to be doing.  I’m going to go crazy if I sit up here in my room thinking about Ethan all the time.  I’m sure he doesn’t waste his time thinking about me. “Yeah, Mom, I’m on my way down,” I holler back.  I put on some skinny jeans with a plain purple T-shirt my mom got me.  I’m wearing my black converse as well.  I let my hair lay down today and it actually has just the right amount of volume for once though I’m also bringing a hair tie just in case.  I’m not one to dress up in skirts and heels, but I’m thinking I might buy an outfit at the mall for tonight.  It’ll probably make me feel better dressing up tonight.  What better way to bring your spirits up then to buy a new outfit.  At least that’s what my mom always says. 

The ride into town is usually long, but today it seems to speed by.  Looking out the window and dreaming of Ethan sure makes time fly, I’m so wrapped up in my thoughts,
I don’t even notice my surroundings.  Imagining his lips pressed against mine and his beautiful, desirable body holding me close makes me crave even more of him.  These dreams and daydreams are really starting to get to me.  Even though I haven’t seen Ethan in days, I can still feel him, smell him, and every time I think of him I swear I can sense his presence near me.  Just as my eyes drift closed, images of Ethan and I in his car that night and his hand on my leg and his lips on mine fill my mind, the car comes to a sudden stop. 

“We’re here Lindsay.  Let’s go get some coffee.  I think we all need a little wake-me-up this morning.”  Mom always seems so happy, all smiles, as if she has no worries at all and everything is perfect.  I wish I could feel that way.  I wish I could have everything figured out.

“I’m definitely ready for that coffee and a little bite to eat too.  Come on dad, let’s go.”  Walking into the Starbucks there are several small circular tables outside which are already full, one with a man drinking a coffee and typing away on his laptop.  Another table holds a woman by herself reading a novel the name of which I can’t pronounce.  The last table has two younger women chatting quietly and drinking their cup of coffee.  Inside it’s much more crowded.  I always forget how the local Starbucks gets so busy on Saturday mornings.  Well, every morning really.  There’s a line of people waiting to order and at the other end of the counter there’s another line of people waiting for their coffee.  Most of the tables are full, but there is one smaller round table in the back corner that’s empty.  “Mom, order me a tall white mocha and a bagel with cream cheese.  I’m gonna go get that table over there before someone else does.”  As I’m walking over to the table I notice an older women slightly to my right, she’s maybe in her 30’s and she’s staring at me as if she knows me.  As I walk by her she suddenly grabs my wrist.  I stop, now thinking maybe I do know her.  Why else would she grab me? 

“There is an evil that surrounds you,” she says. “You have to make a choice and see the truth behind those who are hiding.  They need your help.  You will have to make a choice and your choice will determine the destiny of many.  Keep your eyes open and see the true evil.”

She has the softest most soothing voice I’ve ever heard as she whispers the words to me.  Her tone says she’s just lending me some friendly advice but her expression is filled with concern.  As she lets go of her grip on my wrist I start moving for the table in the back with a little bit quicker pace.  I sit down and all I can see is the back of her head.  She has satin black hair that is short and straight, cut just above her shoulders.  When she spoke to me her bright green eyes showed a level of emotion that I can’t understand.  The image of her face and expression will stick in my head forever.  I see my mom and dad waiting in the line to get our drinks and bagels.  The strange woman stands up and turns, gives me a spine-chilling smile and walks out the door.  I grab a napkin and a pen to write down what she said. 

There is evil that surrounds you.  You have to make a choice and see the truth behind those who are hiding.  They need your help.  You will have to make a choice and your choice will determine the destiny of many.  Keep your eyes open and see the true evil.

What does this mean?  I stuff the napkin in my purse just as my parents are bringing over my coffee and bagel.  My mom’s still talking about work and how great dad is doing at the firm and even though I’m really happy for them, all I can think about is that lady and her weird nonsensical advice.  I’m so caught up in my thoughts that I finish my bagel and coffee without even realizing how much time has gone by, and I’ve been silent while my parents talked.  I want so much to call Kim right now and tell her about this.  She will probably be just as confused as me, but I don’t really have anyone else to talk to.  “Why don’t you guys take the rest of the afternoon to enjoy yourselves and do something you like to do?  I was kind of thinking maybe I could meet Kim at the mall and do some of my shopping with her.  You know since I have a date tonight and I was thinking about buying a new dress and she’s really good at that kinda stuff.  What do you think?  Would that be alright?”  I give them the best
please
face that I can.