Forgetting Yesterday (19 page)

“I’ve known you were here the whole time. Or at least, I figured you were.
” He hung his head, looking ashamed again. “I knew something was up with you weeks before you left. I started checking your computer history. I saw that you printed off directions to Claire’s house. When you took off, I figured this was where you went.”

“So why are you here now?” I demanded. My arms were folded defiantly over my chest. He took a step toward me and I held up a hand, silently asking him to stay back. He obeyed.

“I didn’t mean to hurt you. I know what it’s like to be treated the way I treated you. I always swore to myself I wouldn’t do that. I’ve never felt so out of control before. I never wanted to feel that way again. I sure as hell don’t ever want to hurt you again. That’s why I went to counseling first. I wanted to get myself right first.”

“I’m glad to hear you got some help,” I told him.

“That night, I should’ve gone after you.”

I started to shake my head. That was the very last thing that I’d wanted from him.

“Just to apologize,” he said quickly. “Or to see if you were okay. I just let you walk away.”

“I think it’s good that you did,” I honestly said.

He hung his head sheepishly. “I think so too. We both know that I was in no frame of mind to go after you. That night, it was a wakeup call for me.”

“Good, I’m glad.” And I was. Jason had a lot of good qualities.
I didn’t want to see him ruin his life, or someone else’s, by letting his bad qualities overtake him.

“So, can I come in? Can we talk? Really talk?” he asked.

I shook my head. “I don’t think that’s a good idea. I appreciate the apology. But I really don’t think there’s anything else to say.”

He stared at me for a moment, his face expressionless. “Zoey, I drove
hours
to get here. You can’t spare some time for me?”

“I didn’t ask you to come. In fact, if you’d asked me, I would’ve told you not to.” Maybe I was being unfair to him. Or maybe not. At the moment, I felt so emotionally drained I just didn’t have anything left to say.

And nothing that he said would change anything. Not really. I was glad he got help but as for going back with him? It wasn’t going to happen. Even if Alex weren’t in the picture, it wouldn’t happen.

The sound of gravel crunching caught our notice. We both swung our gazes to the windows that bracketed the door. The view outside was impeded by gauzy curtains.

“That’s probably Claire,” I warned him. “She’s not going to be happy that you’re here. I think you should probably go.”

He looked at me incredulously.

“Look,” I said, “I’m sorry you drove all this way. And I do appreciate your apology. But as for us…we’re not fixable.”

He clearly wanted to argue but the front door swung open. Claire appeared in the doorframe
. Her politely curious smile turned to one of outrage, then concern as she glanced at me. It turned back to outrage as she swung her angry gaze toward Jason again.

“What in the hell are you doing here?” she demanded.

He held up his hands in surrender. “I just came to tell Zoey goodbye. And now,” he said as he took a step toward the door, “I’m leaving.”

“Damn right you are,
” she said, her tone cold. She sidestepped him, moving closer to me. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine. Really,” I said with conviction. “He really did just come to say goodbye. And to apologize.”

“My boyfriend, Sean,” Claire said as she glared at him, “is coming over for dinner. He’ll be here any minute. You should probably be gone before he gets here.”

“I’m sorry to intrude,” he said to Claire. “I won’t be back again.”

“You’d better not be,” she agreed.

I put my hand on her arm, hoping to calm her. She turned to me with a frown. She reminded me of a momma bear, ready to pounce.

“I really am fine,” I said. Then, my eyes on Jason, I added, “I really think we needed this visit.”

He nodded, his expression softening. “Yeah, I guess we both needed some closure.” He had one hand on the doorknob. He lifted the other in a wave. “I really am sorry Zoey. I only want the best for you.”

“Thanks,” I said
because I felt the need to say something.

With
a small nod, he opened the door and he was gone.

Claire turned to me. “No
w tell me the truth. Are you really okay?”

“I am,” I assured her.

“Do you really think he just came here to apologize?” she wanted to know.

I nodded slowly, playing over the s
hort visit in my mind. He’d seemed calm, when before, he would’ve been agitated the moment I denied him something. He’d left without causing a scene and I thought he would’ve even if Claire hadn’t shown up. He seemed…different.

“Yeah, I do,
” I finally answered.

“Okay,” she said as she looped her arm through mine and tugged me toward the kitchen. “Let’s
go sit down so you can tell me what happened.”

“I thought you said
Sean was coming for dinner.”

She shrugged. “I lied.”

By
that evening, I was a mess of emotions. It was hard to believe that Jason had shown up. It was even harder to believe that he’d taken it upon himself to get counseling. Seeing him again left me feeling raw inside.

I knew I should be elated over what Dottie had done for me. And I was. But it felt like a mixed blessing. I’d had more than a full day to simmer and fume over the situation with Alex. I still hadn’t heard from him. With every hour that dragged past, my fury and hurt grew.

I didn’t think we’d be able to get past this.

I didn’t know if I even
wanted
to get past it. I was furious with myself for being taken in yet again. For being so gullible and trusting yet again. If it weren’t for the security of my new job, I probably would’ve left town. My dad would’ve welcomed my return to Cleary. It was my hometown and I could picture myself living there again.

What I could not picture was staying in Grafton and running into Alex. The thought of it alone was painful enough. I knew that when the time came, the reality of it would be much worse.

I had to push those thoughts away. I’d run from my problems once. I’d left Bedford behind because Jason was there. I was not going to run again.

I needed to face this head on.

I was still having trouble thinking of Alex as a father. Though maybe he didn’t even deserve that title. Morgan had mentioned the baby. Was it a boy or a girl? Did Alex have a son or a daughter?

Did it even matter?

Claire had wanted to stick around the house to keep me company, especially after Jason’s visit. I assured her she had fulfilled her best-friend duties. She was worried that he would come back. I really didn’t think he would.

When Sean called to see if she was coming over, I insisted she go. She had been hovering and
worrying and really, I just needed some time to myself.

I hadn’t heard from Alex yet.
I realized it was possible I wouldn’t hear from him. Yesterday, when I’d left the message, I’d been upset. It was likely that would come across in my voice. Was it possible that I’d given myself away?

Maybe he knew that I knew.

Was it possible that…? My body tensed up. Was it possible that he didn’t really take monthly fishing trips? Was it possible he’d used that as a cover? Was he really pulling Daddy Duty this weekend?

Part of me hoped that was the case. Though the thought of being lied to yet again pissed me right the hell off.

I shook my head at myself and went back to scrubbing the kitchen floor. No reason to get ahead of myself. I’d been cleaning since the moment Claire had left. Her house hadn’t really needed it but I needed to do something. When my phone finally rang, the sound was so unexpected that I jumped. I scrambled to my feet, my heart pounding.

I glanced at the Caller ID. It was Alex. Now that I saw his number, I wasn’t so sure I wanted to talk to him. After an entire day, I still had no idea what to say. I didn’t know the best way to start this conversation.

I held the phone in my hand, letting a few more rings go by.

Finally, with a heavy heart, I answered.

“Hey,” he said quietly in response to my greeting. “Are you okay?”

I swallowed down the lump in my throat and ignore
d the question. I was far from okay but I didn’t want to admit to it. “Where are you?” I asked instead.

“Uh, I’m still a few hours away,” he told me. “
We got kind of a late start home. So what are you up to?”

I fought off a groan. I didn’t want to make small talk, but I didn’t know how to dive into the issue at hand either.

“I’m cleaning,” I curtly replied.

I was met with a few moments of silence. I could picture Alex, his brow furrowed. He most likely could tell by my tone that something was wrong.

“How was the art fair?” he finally asked.

With that question, I had my opening.

“It was…interesting,” I said as I leaned against the countertop. I was surprised by how much I needed the support. “I ran into Morgan.” I paused and now
I
was met with a few moments of silence. “She had a friend with her. Kara?”

“I see,” Alex said, his tone even. “I bet that didn’t go well.”

“Oh,” I said as a sarcastic laugh slipped out, “that’s a bet you would most definitely win.”

I heard him clear his throat and I closed my eyes. I suddenly just wanted this inevitable conversation to be over. My heart was banging so fiercely against my chest that it was actually painful.

“What did they have to say?” Alex asked. His tone was cautious but demanded an answer.

“
Morgan was surprised you hadn’t told me about the baby,” I said. My words came out in a rush. I knew it was best to just get it over with.

A sharp, humorless laugh shot over the phone line. “Right. I’m sure she was.”

My thudding heart skipped a beat then. Until that moment I’d been clinging to the asinine hope that Morgan and Kara had been lying. But Alex didn’t deny it.

“I should’ve heard about that from you,” I said as I fought to keep my voice calm.

I heard him pull in a breath. Maybe he was waiting for me to say more. Right then, I’d said all I had to say.

“You’re right,” he finally said. “I should’ve been the one to tell you. And to be honest, I’m kind of pissed that
Morgan shot off her big mouth.”

He
was pissed?!

“Well, I’m not too happy right now either,” I ground out. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I…I don’t know,” he finally said. His voice was so quiet I had to strain to hear it.

I gripped the phone so tightly in my hand that my knuckles ached. I could feel a fresh wave of tears building behind my eyes. My throat was beginning to constrict. I needed to end this call before
I lost control of my emotions completely.

“I think we’re done here,” I said.

“
Done
?” he asked. His tone was incredulous. “What in the hell does that mean?!”

“I’m not going to waste my time on someone who lied to me. You’re not the kind of person that I thought you were. I have no desire to be with the kind of guy that leaves his fiancé at the altar because she’s pregnant and I really have no desire to be with a guy who walks away from his own child.”

“Zoey! You can’t be ser—”

I disconnected before he finished his sentence. Even after everything that had happened, I still had strong feelings for him. I knew how easy it would be to let him worm his way into an explanation that would be nothing more than an excuse.

I placed my phone on the counter. It began to ring before I was able to take a step away. Ignoring it, I left the kitchen. My emotions were running too high. I couldn’t imagine anything productive coming out of a conversation with Alex right then.

I’d had enough of guys making excuses for their bad behavior.

I’d stayed with Jason far longer than I should have.

I didn’t want to make that mistake again.

Until now, I’d mostly managed to keep my tears away. I’d had a distant hope that what Morgan had said had been nothing but a tasteless joke.

But Alex had confirmed it.

I wandered to my room and collapsed onto my bed. Finally, I allowed myself to do what I’d felt like doing since yesterday. I gave into a long, hard cry.

*******

I hadn’t planned on drifting off to sleep. I awoke with a start when the doorbell rang. I glanced at the clock. It was late, nearly midnight. I scrambled out of bed and pulled my curtain back. Alex’s truck was parked in the driveway.

As if to accentuate his presence, he pounded on the door.

I was so tempted not to answer. At the same time, now that I’d had a little bit of time to cool off, I realized maybe I owed it to him to hear what he had to say. Although I couldn’t imagine a good enough reason to excuse what he’d done.

I scrubbed at my eyes as I padded to the front door. I was sure I was
a walking disaster. My eyes felt sore. My cheeks crusty with dried tears. I tugged a hand through my disheveled hair and then told myself it didn’t matter what I looked like. Because really, what did I care.

I swung the door open just as Alex was ready to pound again. He caught himself, his hand jerking to a halt in mid-air.

He stepped inside without waiting for an invitation.

“Why haven’t you answered your phone?” he demanded.

The fact that he was visibly angry caused my own anger to surge as well.

“Because I have nothing left to say to you!”

He shook his head at me. As if
I
had done something wrong. I crossed my arms defiantly over my chest. I stared at him, waiting to see which one of us would finally break the silence.

Finally, he let out
a small sound of disgust. “Wow. You really let them play you, didn’t you?”

“Excuse me?”

“Did it ever occur to you to talk to me about what they said? I mean, really talk to me! Not hang up on me?” he demanded.

Was that why he was so mad?

“I did talk to you,” I said in my own defense. “You were the one who didn’t seem to see the need to talk to me! The baby—”

He held up his hand in a halting motion, cutting me off. “There is no baby! Not anymore.”

My heart tumbled again. My voice was low and accusing. “You made her get rid of it?”

His face paled and he shook his head at me. He scraped a hand over his face before saying, “Do you really think that little of me? Do you really think that’s the kind of person I am?”

Did I?

I shook my head. I didn’t know what to think.

He was right. I should’ve talked to him. It was obvious that there was a whole lot that had been left unsaid.

I took in the pained look on his face and I knew one thing for certain. He was not the kind of person I had just accused him of being.

“No,” I said apologetically. “I don’t think that of you. I’m just so confused right now. I don’t know what to think.”

He nodded toward the living room.

When we were both seated on the couch he let out a sigh.

“You were right about one thing. I should’ve told you what happened. It’s just…really hard to talk about. I figured I’d tell you some day. I just never thought you’d find out like you did.”

“So,” I said quietly, “what happened?”

“She had a bachelorette party here, with her friends. Then she left for a weekend away with her sisters. She said they wanted to take her to a nice resort for a spa weekend.” He shrugged like it was no big deal. “She asked me to stop by her house to feed her cat. When I pulled up, I realized the neighbor dog got into her trash. It wasn’t the first time and I picked it up for her.

“
I found a box,” he paused, obviously trying to compose himself, “it was one of those, uh, pregnancy tests. I was shocked. Just stood there, finally came to my senses and got everything cleaned up. I brought the box inside with me. Maybe I shouldn’t have looked. I just…maybe it would’ve been better. But she’d shoved the stick back inside. I read the lines, compared it to the back of the box.” He shook his head. “I’ll admit, at first, I was freaked. I called her and it went to voicemail and no way was I leaving that on voicemail. Anyhow, after the initial shock wore off, I was excited. I was
so
damn excited. I was surprised she hadn’t told me but with the wedding a few weeks away, I thought maybe…maybe she was going to surprise me. So I kept waiting. And waiting. Something that huge? I couldn’t imagine why else she’d keep it from me. It had to be she was waiting for the perfect moment. We’d both been so busy. She was finalizing the wedding plans. I was determined to have the house one hundred percent complete. Especially after I found out about the baby. I wanted everything to be perfect for her. I thought maybe she was just waiting for the right time,” he repeated.

“Looking back, I was such a fucking idiot. I just never thought…” He clenched and unclenched his jaw. “I decided to one up her. I finally got it in my head she was waiting for our wedding night. So I thought I’d tell her that I knew the night
before
the wedding. I painted the nursery mint green, set up a crib and got one of those baby name books.

“
Yeah, she was surprised alright. She…uh…she never went to a spa with her sisters. She’d gone to an abortion clinic. She wasn’t going to tell me. She got rid of my baby like it was yesterday’s trash and she was never going to fucking tell me. So yeah, I left her standing at the altar on our wedding day.”

I didn’t know what to say. His grief was evident on his face. My entire body felt numb as my own emotions flooded over me. “I’m so sorry,” I finally managed.

“My family was furious. I couldn’t tell them the reason I’d called it all off so last minute. I just couldn’t do that to them. They would’ve been devastated. I didn’t want to put them through that. Finally, I just told them she’d betrayed me in the worst way possible. I let them know I’d just found out, right before the wedding. They just assumed she’d cheated on me. At least it got them off my back.” He let out a disdainful laugh. “Honestly? That would’ve been easier to deal with.