God on Sex: The Creator's Ideas About Love, Intimacy, and Marriage (5 page)

Steve Stephens reminds us, “A healthy marriage is a safe haven from the tensions of everyday life. We need to hear positive things from our mate.” He then lists thirty-seven things we should say to our spouse. Any spouse will be blessed by the following:

“Good job!”

“You are wonderful.”

“That was really great.”

“You look gorgeous today.”

“I don't feel complete without you.”

“I appreciate all the things you've done for me all these years.”

“You come first in my life, before kids, career, friends, anything.”

“I'm glad I married you.”

“You're the best friend I have.”

“If I had to do it over again, I'd still marry you.”

“I wanted you today.”

“I missed you today.”

“I couldn't get you out of my mind today.”

“It's nice to wake up next to you.”

“I will always love you.”

“I love to see your eyes sparkle when you smile.”

“As always, you look good today.”

“I trust you.”

“I can always count on you.”

“You make me feel good.”

“I'm so proud to be married to you.”

“I'm sorry.”

“I was wrong.”

“What would you like?”

“What is on your mind?”

“Let me just listen.”

“You are so special.”

“I can't imagine life without you.”

“I wish I were a better partner.”

“What can I do to help?”

“Pray for me.”

“I'm praying for you today.”

“I prize every moment we spend together.”

“Thank you for loving me.”

“Thank you for accepting me.”

“Thank you for being my partner.”

“You make every day brighter.”
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Be particular in your praise. It will speak to your mate's heart and create an environment of romance, which is essential for building the intimate aspects of a relationship.

We will make gold jewelry for you,
     accented with silver. (v. 11)

BE SACRIFICIAL IN YOUR PRAISE (V. 11)

Solomon's praise of Shulammite inspires the praise of others. What we publicly say about our mate will often influence the opinion of others about them. Solomon has told her she is special and beautiful. She is the best. She deserves the best, but not just in words, also in actions. When a man wants to be a blessing to his wife, here are two things he should always remember:

BE SPECIFIC

“Gold jewelry, accented with silver” is now presented to Shulammite. Gedhill, in his free paraphrase says, “We'll crown you with more royalty, O maiden queen, with costly gems, with rings of golden sheen and sparkling spikes of silver.”
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Socrates said, “By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.” I am convinced that the issue is not so much a man “getting” a good wife as it is a man “gaining” a good wife by the way he loves her, by the way he cares for her. Women love specific and creative ideas. A man who invites his wife out on a date only to tell her it doesn't matter where we go or what we do doesn't know women. Love is specific. Praise is specific. Judy Bodner in her book
When Love Dies: How to Save a Hopeless Marriage
drops a few hints to help husbands: (1) leave notes and love letters around; (2) plan detailed getaways; (3) set aside time alone just for the two of you; (4) share your feelings with each other; (5) make sexual intimacy attractive by creating a bedroom that is inviting and pleasant, a place of beauty.

BE SINCERE

The gifts of Solomon are genuine and from the heart. He is not trying to bribe her or buy her. His desire is to bless her and to do so in a way that speaks to her heart. Solomon had learned, or was at least in the process of learning, to speak her “love language.” Gary Chapman, in his wonderful book
The Five Love Languages,
points out that every person speaks at least one of five love languages. Some are even equipped to speak several, and with varying dialects. However, it is rare that a husband and wife speak the same love language. After all, opposites do attract. Gary identifies the five love languages as:

1. Words of Affirmation

2. Receiving Gifts

3. Acts of Service

4. Quality Time

5. Physical Touch

In our marriage it is clear that Charlotte and I have two love languages each. Not surprising, they are distinctively different. Hers are receiving gifts and quality time. Mine are words of affirmation and physical touch. I always strike a chord in Charlotte's heart if I bring her a gift. Cost is never a factor; it truly is the thought that counts. When I block off time for the two of us, she also responds in a positive and receptive manner.

I've often wondered if her love languages are somehow related to her childhood and teenage years. Charlotte's parents were alcoholics, and they divorced when she was a little girl. She has told me that she had some pretty unspectacular birthdays and Christmases. At about the age of nine, she and her brother and sister were placed in a children's home, where she spent the next during those years except for a couple of times early on. Time spent with family and receiving gifts from them just didn't happen. I'm certain this may have, at least in some measure, shaped her two love languages.

Let me add before I move on that one wonderful thing did happen to Charlotte while she was in the children's home. She received Jesus Christ as her personal Lord and Savior, and God became her perfect heavenly Father. Since then He has been molding and shaping her into the beautiful godly woman, wife, and mother she is today.

My love languages are altogether different from hers. I love it when she praises me, when she affirms me with her words. It means the world to me. I also love her touch and in lots of ways and places! One in particular is especially needful—my feet. I love to have my feet rubbed. When I get to heaven, I have already put in a request for two angels: one to rub and massage the left foot and one to rub and massage the right foot.

I remember one evening Charlotte asked me to watch a movie with her (her love language of time) called
Sense and Sensibility.
It was immediately clear to me that this would not be an action-packed thriller. I quickly began to offer my best excuses as to why I just couldn't “waste,” I mean give up, that much time. To my amazement she didn't argue with me. As she said OK and walked away, she casually said, “I understand. I'm sorry you will miss out on the two-hour foot massage that accompanies the popcorn and the movie.” I had only one response to that, “What time does the movie start?” A couple that grows in their knowledge of one another will learn to speak the love language of their mate. They will do it specifically, and they will do it sincerely.

While the king is on his couch,
      my perfume releases its fragrance.
My love is a sachet of myrrh to me,
      spending the night between my breasts.
My love is a cluster of henna blossoms to me,
      in the vineyards of En-gedi. (vv. 12–14)

BE SENSUAL IN YOUR PRAISE (VV. 12–14)

Shulammite is moved to respond to the loving overtures of Solomon. Her insecurities have vanished. Her anxieties have been put to rest by his words and actions of love. She now returns the favor. What we see is the two of them trying to outdo the other in the game of love. This will continue for several verses. What a wonderful contest for a couple to engage in. Let the games begin! Shulammite has strong desires for her man. They are personal, physical, and sensual. They are particular and passionate. How do we, with intentionality, make our desires, our feelings, known to our mate?

DESIRE IS MADE KNOWN BY LOVE (V. 12)

(Tell him he is
worthy
of an expensive display.)

Again the man is addressed as a “king,” as royalty. Reclining “on his couch” or “at his table” indicates a time of rest and relaxation. Men have as a basic need for “home support and serenity.” (We will address this later.) Shulammite knows what her man needs, and she provides it. Her perfume, nard, was expensive and “derived from a plant native to the Himalayan region of India. The scarcity, and hence the value, of this exotic fragrance made it much in demand as a ‘love-potion.'"
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Appealing to his self-worth and sense of smell, Shulammite, who is aroused herself, seeks to elicit the same from her man. He is her king and worthy of a sensual and expensive display of affection. One can only imagine his response.

DESIRE IS MADE KNOWN BY LOYALTY (V. 13)

(Tell him he is a fragrance close to your heart.)

In genuinely erotic tones the woman says, “My love is a sachet of myrrh to me spending the night between my breasts.”

Myrrh is a resinous gum gathered from a species of a South Arabian tree… . In liquid form it would be carried in small bottles like nard, but it was also used in solid form. This way it could be carried in a small cloth pouch or sachet and worn next to the body… . The myrrh was mixed with fat … as the fat melted from the body heat, the aroma of the myrrh … would fill the room.
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Shulammite compares Solomon to this precious, sweet-smelling bundle that lies all night between her breasts, close to her heart. “Her thoughts of him are as fragrant and refreshing as the perfume that rises before her… . She carries those fragrant thoughts of him through the night in peaceful sleep.”
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Nestled between her breasts against her beating heart, there is an intimate bond of love, longing, and loyalty that cannot be broken. There is a connection, a commitment that virtually transcends words. In an article entitled “The Danger of Divorce,” Norman Bales says, “Perhaps the strongest deterrent to divorce is commitment. Every marriage will be tested at some point. What's the difference between those who survive the test and those who don't? Commitment tops the list.”
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There was a commitment, a loyalty between Shulammite and Solomon. All night he lay as a precious perfume between her breasts, close to her heart.

DESIRE IS MADE KNOWN BY LONGING (V. 14)

(Tell him he is refreshing like an oasis in a desert.)

Again Shulammite refers to Solomon as “my love.” Theirs is an exclusive love relationship. He is a one-woman kind of man, and she is a one-man kind of woman. But she says more. He is refreshing, like “a cluster of henna blossoms to me, in the vineyards of En-gedi.” The henna bush can reach a height of ten feet. It has thick yellow and white flowers in clusters and smells like roses. A semitropical vegetation, it grows at the En-gedi Oasis on the western shore of the Dead Sea, south of Jerusalem. The flowers are beautiful to see and sweet to smell, and a rare find in a desert's arid climate.

The analogy is striking. Solomon is like an oasis with its surprising pleasures and provisions in a desert. He is a rare find and therefore of inestimable value. It is as if the woman is saying, “All I have seen is a desert of men until I met you. You are my oasis with your beauty and fragrance. No man refreshed me until I met you. I dream about you; I think about you. I dream about us. I think about us.” Unbelievable, is it not, the passion that flows from a little praise.
Passion in the bedroom is preceded by passion in all the other rooms.
There is power in praising your partner.

Tommy Nelson well says, “Kindness is a mark of respect. Respect is necessary for romance.”
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We have seen a couple who deeply and genuinely respected each other. We have seen a couple sensitive to the needs of the other. We have seen a couple determined to bless the other. We have seen a couple learning to speak each other's love language. What we have seen is wonderful. What we have seen can be our experience as well when we do romance God's way.

Chapter 3

How to Fan the
Flames of Love

THE SONG OF SONGS 1:15–2:7

Romance and marriage, at least in any traditional sense, has fallen on hard times. This is especially true with younger Americans whose theme appears to be “sex without strings and relationships without rings.” Now it must be acknowledged that the idea of “free love” is not a recent phenomenon. We can thank the 1960s and 1970s for that. Still, today's younger generation is clearly more interested in economic security and sexual self-gratification. At least that's the word out of Rutgers University and the National Marriage Project.

Today's young adults think living together as a trial run for marriage, or as an alternative to marriage, is the way to go. Sex is for fun, divorce is to be feared, and marriage is risky business and a potential economic hazard.

Yet, there is a surprising twist to all of this. In spite of their hesitancy and skepticism toward marriage, most young Americans still anticipate meeting their “soul mate” who will love them and meet their needs. The problem, however, is their “mercenary dating habits” are not likely to help them find their soul mate. Self-centeredness is not a formula for being the right mate, much less finding the right mate. And as one ages, the prospect pool has a nasty habit of growing smaller. This is a tragic reality, especially for women.
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