God on Sex: The Creator's Ideas About Love, Intimacy, and Marriage (22 page)

My wife's approval means the world to me. Knowing that she is in my corner, that she loves and admires me, serves both to motivate and inspire me.

Shulammite met Solomon's need for admiration and respect with a catalogue of praise in 5:10–15. Here she lauds both his appearance and his character. She says, “My love is fit and strong,” which may mean “dazzlingly ruddy.”
⁴
“His hair is wavy and black as a raven.” He is good looking to her—tall, dark, and handsome. “His head is purest gold” is a statement of its great wealth and value. This is what he is to her. Her description of his eyes reflects peace and gentleness, calmness and tranquility, brightness and alertness. They too are attractive, “washed in milk and set like jewels.” His cheeks are sweet scented, possessing a pleasant and desirable smell from his cologne. His lips possess sweet, wet kisses that she longs to embrace. They are “lilies, dripping with flowing myrrh.” Her husband arouses her senses of smell and taste, and she tells him so.

Physically he has prepared himself for her. His arms are strong and valuable like “rods of gold.” His body is handsome, carved, and cut like ivory, “covered with sapphires.” His attractiveness and worth is much to be admired, she says. His legs are strong and sturdy like “pillars set on pedestals of pure gold.” His appearance is breathtaking and unimaginable, likened unto the beauty and grandeur of the tall and imposing cedar trees of Lebanon. His is a rugged attractiveness, a masculine attractiveness. Shulammite tells him he is handsome and valuable inwardly and outwardly, in appearance and character. He is the man with whom she has chosen to share and spend her life, and she has no regrets.

A woman is crucial to the success and well-being of a man. It is indeed the case that a great woman can take a mediocre man and raise him to the level of good. But a not so great woman can take a great man and pull him down to the level of mediocrity. A woman's admiration and respect for her man often provide the key and make the difference. Sandra Aldrich says women who want to be treated like queens need to treat their husbands like kings.
⁵

His mouth is sweetness.
He is absolutely desirable.
This is my love, and this is my friend,
        young women of Jerusalem … .

My love has gone down to his garden,
     
to beds of spice,
to feed in the gardens
     
and gather lilies.
I am my love's and my love is mine;
     
he feeds among the lilies. (5:16; 6:2–3)

HE NEEDS SEXUAL FULFILLMENT (5:16; 6:2–3)

It is no surprise to discover in survey after survey that men say sexual fulfillment is their number-one need. Now to be sure it is high on the list of a male, but I am convinced it is not number one, but number two. I am also convinced that a man's need for admiration and respect, and his need for sexual fulfillment, are intimately connected. If a woman fails to meet his need for sexual fulfillment, she will also fail to meet his need for admiration and respect. Why? Because a man finds it impossible to believe that his wife admires and respects him if she does not desire him sexually. In other words his ability to attract her and satisfy her sexually is essential to his sense of self-worth and his need for admiration and respect.

Shulammite knew this, and so she worked at becoming an expert sexual partner for Solomon. She studied her own desires and responses to recognize what brought out the best in her. She also communicated this information to her husband to ensure that their sex life would be satisfying and enjoyable. In an article entitled “Communicating About Sex Keeps Couples Loving,” Dr. Maj-Britt Rosenbaum of Long Island Jewish Medical Center points out that

opposite sexes sometimes have opposite views about sex, which can spell trouble for a relationship if it is not worked out. Experts agree it is common for people to have different sexual styles. But couples who communicate about their differences can often resolve them, while those who view opposing styles as rejection or as a lack of love are on a collision course with disaster… . There is no substitute for talking things out so the other person understands your feelings.

The article goes on to address areas of potential conflict such as Mr. All the Time versus Mrs. Occasionally, Planned Patti versus Spontaneous Sam, Daytime David versus Nightime Natalie, Hurry Up Harry versus Slow Down Denise, I Like the Darkness Diane versus I Love the Light Larry, and One Track Mind Michael versus Instant Distraction Donna.
⁶

In the Song of Songs 5:16, Shulammite again speaks of the beauty of his mouth and the fact that he is altogether attractive. She desires him. She wants him, and again she tells him so. In her mind, who wouldn't want such a man? In 6:2–3 she says he has gone to his garden for a time of enjoyment. This is a reference to Shulammite herself (cf. 4:16), and in particular to giving herself in lovemaking. She provides for him “beds of spice,” a place of pleasure. There he feeds and gathers that which satisfies and pleases him. She is available to him. She is there for his enjoyment. She desires him. The bedroom of this couple will never become a place of boredom.

Men and women do not approach sex in the same way and with the same perspective. When it comes to sex, men are like
microwave ovens
and women are like
Crock Pots.
What does this mean? Simply put, men are creatures of sight and are moved by what they see. If a man sees what he likes, like a microwave oven, he can heat up in a hurry. On the other hand, a woman must simmer a while before she will be ready! Willard Harley has said that in marriage we must create an atmosphere of affection in which sex will be enjoyed more often and with greater pleasure. Phil McGraw, author of
Relationship Rescue: A 7 Step Strategy for Reconnecting with Your Partner
says, “If you have a good sexual relationship, it's about 10% of the value of the relationship overall. If you don't have a good sexual relationship, it's about 90%.”
⁷

“For many people, sex has become a labor rather than an adventure.”
⁸
However, no marriage will ever be everything God wants it to be without the beautiful gift of sex being active and satisfying for both. It requires communication and understanding. But if we will make it a priority and give it the attention it requires, we can find the full joy and satisfaction that the Song of Songs promises.

I am my love's and my love is mine;
      he feeds among the lilies. (6:3)

HE NEEDS HOME SUPPORT (V. 3)

Shulammite expresses great confidence in the relationship she enjoys with Solomon in this verse (6:3). She says, “I am my love's and my love is mine.” She also notes that he is comfortable in her presence and in their home. “He feeds among the lilies.” Not only does he find her
physically
satisfying; he also finds her and their home
emotionally
satisfying. She has created a home that offers him an atmosphere of peace and quiet and refuge. She manages the home, and it is a place of rest and rejuvenation. Shulammite understood what all women need to understand: that the wife/ mother is the emotional hub of the family.

A colloquial saying is well-known by almost all married persons. It goes something like this, “In the home, if Mama ain't happy, then ain't nobody happy!” This may not be fair, but it is true. It is the way that things are. I am fond of saying that a woman is the thermostat of the home. If her thermostat goes up to 90 or 95 degrees, it is not just hot for her; it is hot for everybody. On the other hand, if her thermostat goes down to 70 or 65 degrees, it is not just cool for her; it is cool for everyone.

One thing a man detests is a nagging, griping, whiny woman. God knows this and addresses it several times in the Book of Proverbs. Note the following verses:

“
The woman Folly is rowdy; she is gullible and knows nothing” (9:13).

“
A wife's nagging is an endless dripping” (19:13).

“
Better to live on the corner of a roof, than to share a house with a nagging wife” (21:9).

“
Better to live in a wilderness than with a nagging and hot-tempered wife” (22:9).

A man will not hang around a woman that is continually badgering him and beating him up verbally. Basically he will take one of two actions. Either he will fight or take flight. Most men won't fight their wives. They will not fight them physically because it is wrong, it strips away their masculinity, and they will also go to jail (and rightly so). Most men will not fight their wives verbally, either. There is a simple reason for this. They almost always lose verbal battles. Women are verbal animals. It is said that the average male speaks somewhere between ten thousand and twelve thousand words per day. On the other hand the average female speaks somewhere between twenty thousand and twenty-five thousand words per day with gusts of up to fifty thousand words! (I'm joking about the gusts!) In other words, women are well equipped for verbal battles and men are not. As a result most men will not fight their wives physically or verbally; they choose instead to take flight. They become known as workaholics or persons engaged in 1,001 extracurricular activities. The reason for all of this is simple: it is quieter alone at the office or out on a softball field. A woman must understand how crucial she is to providing a home that is a place of support for her husband. Michele Weiner-Davis, author of
Divorce Busting
and
Getting Through to the Man You Love
says, “The key to dealing with men is to stop talking and start acting… . Women need to learn male friendly methods of persuasion and stop doing what doesn't work.” Her suggestions included:

• Stop pressing your point when it's obvious he's heard you, even if he doesn't acknowledge it.
  
• Make your goals clear and action-oriented.
  
• Pay attention to how your conflict ends.
  
• Ignore [some] undesirable behavior.
  
• Take a time-out.
  
• Emphasize the positive.
  

“It's far more efficient to praise than scold, to reward than punish.”
⁹

Interestingly, it is also in a woman's best interest to work toward providing home support. According to research done at Ohio State University College of Medicine, marital quarrels are harder on women than on men. Blood samples taken from ninety newlywed couples after they had a fight showed that women had higher levels of stress hormones. Researchers noted that men tend to withdraw from conflict or tune out. Women, on the other hand, are more likely to be critical or demanding.
¹⁰

I do want to be fair. I have discovered, as a husband of over twenty-five years, that even godly women who love the Lord sometimes have a bad day. At our home my four boys and I have developed a code among the men. We simply say, “Mama has that look in her eye!” I came home one day when we were living in Wake Forest and was met by all four boys at the front door. “Stop, Daddy, stop. Don't go in the house. There's a problem.” I asked them what the problem was, and in unison they said “It's Mama.” I asked them if she was hurt, and they responded no but added that she was about to kill one of them. Timothy, my youngest, quickly interjected, “She's got the look, Dad, and she's got it big time!”

I slipped into the house and looked into the kitchen where Charlotte was at work at the sink. Our sink was against the back wall, and so all I could see was Charlotte from the backside. However, let me tell you that by the way she was conducting business at that sink, I could tell from the back she had the look. I quickly moved back outside to the boys, gathered them up in a male huddle, and said, “Guys, we've all seen Mama, and so here's Dad's counsel. Every man for himself!” I shared with them that I had seen this look before and that basically this look said, “Give me some space for about two hours, and I will be fine.” I told the boys that I was not going to bother her or cross her path for the next couple of hours. I suggested that they do the same, and I informed them that if they got in trouble with her that they were not to call me because I was not coming!

Professor Bob Montgomery at Bond University in Australia says the formula for a happy, nurturing relationship is simple: five good times for every bad one. “If everything is basically good most of the time, a marriage can absorb the shocks and problems that are part of everyone's life—especially if both [partners] are able to put out the soothing response of humor when these crises emerge.”
¹¹

A man needs to believe and experience a home that is his castle. He needs home support, and the wife is essential to his receiving it.

You are beautiful as Tirzah, my darling,
       
lovely as Jerusalem,
       
awe-inspiring as an army with banners.
Turn your eyes away from me,
       
for they captivate me.
Your hair is like a flock of goats
      
streaming down from Gilead.
Your teeth are like a flock of ewes
      
coming up from the washing,
      
each one having a twin,
      
and not one missing.
Behind your veil,
       
your brow is like a slice of pomegranate.
There are 60 queens
      
and 80 concubines
      
and young women without number.
But my dove, my virtuous one, is unique;
     
she is the favorite of her mother,
     
perfect to the one who gave her birth.
Women see her and declare her fortunate;
     
queens and concubines also, and they sing her
     
praises. (6:4–9)