Read God on Sex: The Creator's Ideas About Love, Intimacy, and Marriage Online
Authors: Daniel L. Akin
My friend is an insightful and wise person, and he gave the lady an interesting assignment. He asked her to go back home and for the next week to become a “huntress” in her relationship with her husband. He told her to track him down again and again, several times a day if she could, and engage in sexual relations. He asked her to call him at the end of the week and tell him what the results were of this plan.
Well, my friend did not get a call at the end of the week. He received a phone call just two days later. The woman said, “I think your plan worked. My husband is lying over in the corner of our bedroom waving a white handkerchief! In fact, this whole day, when I come into a room where he is, he tries to get out as fast as he can!”
She went on to tell him that they both felt very foolish. They had, after more than fifteen years of marriage, come to realize that their sexual appetites, though not identical, were similar and definitely compatible. He was always pressuring her because he thought she always wanted to say no. If he didn't turn up the heat, they would never have sex, he thought. She, on the other hand, was in the resistance mode because she thought having sex is all he ever wants to do, and if she didn't say no at least some of the time they would be having sex all of the time. Better communication could have saved this couple years of stress and hurt. Better communication can save us from these things as well.
YOU MAY REAP SAYING NO (V. 6)
Studies now offer preliminary evidence that actual physical changes occur during marital conflict. For example, marital conflict affects the heart rate. These studies also show that marital fights can weaken the immune system (especially in women), raise blood pressure, and speed up the heart rate. For women, simply discussing angry feelings can lead to these stressed-out body reactions. For men the stress seems to be accompanied by the act of talking louder and faster. The greatest benefits regarding health and long life come to those who are happily married. Those who are happily married seem healthier overall than any other group.
Marital conflict has the potential for suffering and sorrow in many areas. Our text addresses two.
He may walk.
It has been well said, “More belongs to marriage than four bare legs in a bed.” Though men like that idea, their needs run much deeper. Yvonne Turnbull, in “What Your Husband Really Wants” notes four things a husband longs to receive from his wife:
Being his cheerleader
—A man thrives on his wife's approval and praise.
Being his champion
—A wife's respect and encouragement lifts a man's spirit and his sense of self-worth.
Being his companion
—A man wants his wife to be his best friend.
Being his complement
—A woman is necessary to complete a man.
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A single friend of mine says, “Being single makes for lonely nights but peaceful days.” A married man longs for both
peaceful days
and
intimate nights.
If he does not receive them, he may walk away (withdraw) or even out of the relationship. Such was Solomon's response on this occasion.
He may not talk. “
Wounded males almost always go into a shell.” Most husbands will not fight their wives physically or verbally. They walk and they won't talk. Marriage counselor Howard Markman has said, “Men don't want to spend their lives fighting, so they start withdrawing. That's a typical pattern of development of marital distress.”
YOU MAY REGRET SAYING NO (V. 7)
This verse should be taken symbolically of Shulammite's own disappointment in herself. It is the pain she feels not from her mate, but from
herself
and, I believe, from
God's Spirit.
If our spouse hurts us, wrongs us, we should give God some time to work in his or her heart. He will always do a much better job.
You may be alone.
John Gottman, a nationally respected marriage counselor and professor of psychology at the University of Washington, says men and women kill their love with
criticism,
contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling, and the failure to repair the hurt caused by these harsh styles.
When these unhelpful strategies for dealing with disappointment are not corrected, people commonly end up alone.
You may be ashamed.
Her cloak (or veil) is taken away. She feels as if everything valuable and important to her is gone. Why? Because God has worked in her heart. Distance has made the heart grow fonder. Without the interference of a griping, whining, and nagging mate, the Lord had done what only He can do. The stage is now set for reconciliation and reunion.
Young women of Jerusalem, I charge you:
if you find my love,
tell him that I am lovesick. (v. 8)
THE DRIVE OF LOVE MAY FLAME
WITH TESTIMONY (V. 8)
“The young women of Jerusalem” comprise the chorus group that appears throughout the book at strategic times. They are called by Shulammite and charged as solemn witnesses to what she is about to say. These will be important words, words from the heart and words she hopes will be trumpeted throughout the land.
TELL OTHERS OF YOUR LOVE
Here are the right
words
from the right
heart
at the right
time
and, yes, to the right
persons.
She is his
cheerleader,
and he is her
champion.
This speaks loudly to his male ego, to who and what he is as a man on the inside. Herbert Stein raises the issue,“why a man needs a woman” and writes: (1) She is a warm body in bed to cuddle and comfort. (2) She provides intimate conversation (interest, understanding and trust). (3) She serves his need to be needed. “ To this woman you are irreplaceable at any price.”
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In the context of sex, Douglas Wilson, in
Reforming Marriage,
says, “There is a sexual relationship at the center of the home which should be obvious to all who live there—hugs, kisses, and romantic attention… . There is nothing wrong with children knowing that their father is male and their mother is female and that they have a sexual relationship. There is something wrong with them not knowing.”
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TELL YOUR MATE OF YOUR LOVE
It has been said, “The opposite of love is indifference.” Alphonse Kerr says, “Love is the most terrible, and also the most generous, of the passions; it is the only one which includes in its dreams the happiness of someone else.” Shulammite is saying in verse 8: “I can't last another day without you. Am I too weak or disinterested to make love to him? Don't be foolish. How could I not want more? I have lovesickness. The only remedy is him!”
“In marriage, the eye finds, the heart chooses, the hand binds and only death should loose.” Psychologist Howard Markman, speaking at Duquesne University in October 1999 said, “It's not how much you love each other, but when conflicts arise, [it's] how you handle them that determines the success of your marriage or relationship.” George Worgul, associate director of Duquesne's Family Institute and a theology professor, added, “Many people want to have good relationships and enjoy a happy marriage. Love, however, is hard work.”
They're right. Love is hard work, but it is worthwhile work. And when the work is pursued following God's guidelines and for His glory, you'll enjoy a Christian marriage and discover a Christian bedroom—one that is satisfying, liberated, sensual, erotic, intimate, and pleasing both to God and each other. With a commitment to Jesus and each other, and the courage to stay with it no matter what, we can find the joy God planned.
Chapter 10
Put your Husband Where Your
Heart Is and When a Man Loves
a Woman
THE SONG OF SONGS 5:9–6:13
Marriage is scary business to many people today. With so many unhappy couples sharing horror stories, some persons will do almost anything to increase their odds for success. In New York some women are enrolling in a class called “Marriage Works,” a six-month, 276-hour course to help them land the right mate. The cost is a cool $9,600.
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To this class you can add the Divorce Busting Center's Keeping Love Alive workshop; the Hot Monogamy workshop (four days, $1,800 per couple/$1,000 per person); Twogether, Inc.'s Pairs Passage to Intimacy (two days, $499 per couple/$250 per person); Getting the Love You Want: Workshop for Couples (two days, $575 per couple); and Pairs for Love's Language of Love (one day, $25); If You Really Loved Me (one day, $225 per couple/$125 per person); and Passage to Intimacy Weekend (two days, $450 per couple/$250 per person). I guess desperate times call for desperate measures.
God did not intend for marriage to end quickly. He did not intend for it to be painfully endured. He intended it to be wonderfully enjoyed. It was not His plan that it would be a burden. He wants it to be a blessing. In order for us to experience maximum marriage satisfaction, it is essential that we grow to know each other. A woman must come to understand the unique needs her husband has as a man. A man must discover the unique needs his wife has as a woman. All of this is hard work, lifelong work, but work that pays unbelievably rich dividends.
In marriage, a wife needs to put her husband where her heart is. A man, on the other hand, needs to love his wife, love his woman. We do this by learning to meet some basic needs that are the essence of who our mate is. For a man there are at least five. For a woman there are at least seven.
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Let's begin looking at these and see what we might learn.
My love is fit and strong,
notable among ten thousand.
His head is purest gold.
his hair is wavy
and black as a raven.
His eyes are like doves
beside streams of water,
washed in milk
and set like jewels.
His cheeks are like beds of spice,
towers of perfume.
His lips are lilies,
dripping with flowing myrrh.
His arms are rods of gold
set with topaz.
His body is an ivory panel
covered with sapphires.
His legs are alabaster pillars
set on pedestals of pure gold.
His presence is like Lebanon,
As majestic as the cedars. (5:10–15)
A WOMAN MUST PUT HER HUSBAND WHERE HER
HEART IS (VV. 10–15)
Shulammite is growing in her knowledge of Solomon. Their relationship is maturing. They hit a bump in the road in 5:2–8, but they refused to let that sidetrack them. Out of that conflict they discover a better understanding of each other and a greater commitment to move ahead. What did Shulammite discover about Solomon concerning his basic needs?
HE NEEDS ADMIRATION AND RESPECT (VV. 10–15)
God has wired a man in such a way that he longs for and needs his wife's admiration and respect more than anything else (cf. Eph. 5:33b). She understands and appreciates both his value and achievements more than anyone else. She reminds him of his gifts and abilities and helps him in the area of self-confidence. She is his biggest fan, and he is her hero. She is proud of her husband not out of duty but as an expression of genuine and sincere admiration for the man she loves and with whom she has chosen to share her life. She sees her husband as a gift from God.
In his February 1995 newsletter, James Dobson provided some insightful marital counsel. In the process of challenging both husbands and wives, he nailed this issue concerning a man's need for admiration and respect.
It is never too late to put a little excitement in your relationship. Romantic love is the fuel that powers the female engine. Unfortunately, most of us get so busy earning a living that we often drift away from the things that drew us together in the first place … [therefore] a gentle reminder to men: marriages must be nurtured or they wither like a plant without water. There is more than one perspective on every substantive issue, however, and we need to look at the other side of this one. The task of maintaining a marriage is not exclusively a masculine responsibility. It should be shared equally by men and women. Wives must understand and meet the needs of their husbands, too. That is an idea you may not have heard in a while. Let me be more specific. It is my conviction that Christian writers, myself included, have tended to overstate the masculine responsibilities in marriage and to understate the feminine. Men have been criticized for their failures at home, and yes, many of us deserve those criticisms. But women are imperfect people too and their shortcomings must also be addressed. One of them is the failure of some wives to show respect and admiration for their husbands. George Gilder, author of
Men and Marriage,
believes women are actually more important to the stability and productivity of men than men are to the well-being of women. I am inclined to agree. When a wife believes in her husband and deeply respects him, he gains the confidence necessary to compete successfully and live responsibly. She gives him a reason to harness his masculine energy—to build a home, obtain and keep a job, remain sober, live within the law, spend money wisely, etc. Without positive feminine influence, he may redirect the power of testosterone in a way that is destructive to himself and to society at large… . What should a woman do for a man that will relate directly to his masculine nature? In a word, she can build his confidence.
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