God on Sex: The Creator's Ideas About Love, Intimacy, and Marriage (23 page)

HE NEEDS AN ATTRACTIVE WIFE (VV. 4–9; CF. 7:1–9)

Shulammite has praised Solomon, and now he returns the compliment. Yet as he returns the compliment, we learn something more about a basic need that a man has: the need for his wife to be attractive. Solomon begins by telling his love, his darling, that she was like two of the most beautiful and lovely cities in Palestine, the cities of Tirzah and Jerusalem. In Lamentations 2:15, Jerusalem is called the “the perfection of beauty.” So unbelievable was the Shulaumite's beauty that Solomon says it was as if he were facing an awesome army with its banners in full display. Her beauty threw him off balance. So great is her loveliness that he is almost overwhelmed. “Turn your eyes away from me, for they captivate me.”

Going back to prior descriptions, he again describes the beauty of her hair, the brightness of her teeth, and the loveliness of her temples. His love for her has not diminished, and her beauty is as radiant as ever. Yet he does not stop here. He adds to his previous praise. He tells her she has a uniqueness that transcends all others. In verses 8–9, he says there may be “60 queens and 80 concubines and young women without number,” but none of them compare to her. Again he refers to her as his dove, and then he adds that she is his “virtuous one” and utterly “unique.” This favorable opinion, he notes, is also shared by her mother, as well as other women. They, too, call her blessed, and they also praise her.

A man longs for a woman who is possessed of an inner and outer beauty. A woman who is beautiful to her husband will cultivate a godly and Christlike spirit in her inner self (cf. 1 Pet. 3:1–5). She understands that being beautiful on the inside will make her more attractive on the outside.

She is also a woman who keeps herself physically fit with diet and exercise, and she wears her hair, makeup, and clothes in a way that her husband finds attractive and tasteful. Her husband is pleased and proud of her in public but also in private. Men, being creatures of sight, are not impressed with flannel, sweats, or cotton socks. Indeed, Shulammite understood well the need for Solomon to have a wife that he could be proud of physically and spiritually, publicly and privately.

His mouth is sweetness.
He is absolutely desirable.
This is my love, and this my friend,
       young women of Jerusalem. (5:16)

HE NEEDS A BEST FRIEND (V. 16)

In the latter part of 5:16, Shulammite says of Solomon, “This is my love, and this my friend, young women of Jerusalem!” Shulammite was well aware that though a man may not always act like it, he needs his wife to be his best friend. How does a wife go about doing this? She develops mutual interests with her husband. She discovers activities her husband enjoys and seeks to become proficient in them as well. If she learns to enjoy them, then she joins him in them. If she does not enjoy them, she encourages him to consider other things that they can enjoy doing together. She works at becoming her husband's best friend so that he repeatedly associates her with those activities he enjoys the most. Men are good at putting on acts and pretenses. However, I have become more and more convinced with each passing year of my own marriage that a man really does need to have a woman, his wife, who is his best friend.

A word of warning is essential at this point. It is wise for a man to have an inner circle of three or four men who are his confidants and with whom he has great trust. I am also unalterably convinced that no woman should be a part of that circle. It is an unwise and dangerous course of action. But in addition to that, in his innermost circle, there must be only one person, and that one person should be his wife. She should be his closest confidant. She should be his closest companion. She should be his best friend. Experts tell us that many long marriages wither from neglect rather than blow up.

“So many times when couples get involved in careers and parenting their children, they lose that emotional connectedness with each other. It slips away and they don't realize it,” says Claudia Arp. “She's into her thing, he's into his thing, then when the kids leave—that reason for staying in the relationship goes, too.” “In the past, marriages stayed together because society expected you to stay together,” says David Arp. “Now if a marriage stays together, it's because the couple wants to stay together.”
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A husband and a wife should be lovers. The Song of Songs has made this clear. However, a husband and a wife should also be each other's best friend. The Song of Songs has also made this clear, and it is not surprising that there is usually an intimate link between being great lovers and best friends.

A MAN MUST LOVE HIS WIFE

Men and women are different in many ways. One area in particular is in the area of needs. Women have needs that are significantly different than those of men. How has God put a woman together? What does she need from a man?

My love is … notable among ten thousand. (5:10)

SHE NEEDS A SPIRITUAL LEADER (V. 10)

Shulammite says that Solomon is “notable,” chief or distinguished “among ten thousand.” Her primary focus is on his physical appearance, and yet I am convinced she makes this statement as well because of the godly character that radiates from within. It would be difficult to imagine the Bible commending anyone simply on physical appearance alone. Even here in the Song of Songs, the spiritual character of a man is at least implicitly present. A woman's primary need is that her husband would be a spiritual leader. She longs to follow a man of courage, conviction, commitment, compassion, and character.

A woman longs for a man who can be both steel and velvet. He can be a man's man, and at the same time he can be gentle, tender, and approachable. A good woman is worth her weight in gold. However, a good man is worth twice his weight in gold because there are so few of them.
Time
magazine, February 14, 1994, ran on its cover page the body of a man and the head of a pig. The lead article was entitled, “Are Men Really That Bad?” Men have been beaten up severely over the past several decades, and many men deserve those whippings. However, I sense that a new generation is committed to being the kind of man that honors God and blesses a wife. Such a man will be a spiritual leader in the home. He will take the initiative in cultivating a spiritual environment for the family. He will be a capable and competent student of the Word of God, and he will live out before all a life founded on the Word of God. He'll encourage and enable his wife to become a woman of God, to become more like Jesus, and he will take the lead in training their children in the things of the Lord (cf. Eph. 6:4).

You are beautiful as Tirzah, my darling,
       lovely as Jerusalem,
      awe-inspiring as an army with banners. (6:4)

SHE NEEDS PERSONAL AFFIRMATION AND APPRECIATION (V. 4)

Solomon refers to Shulammite as his love, his “darling.” He tells her how lovely, beautiful, and awesome she is. In verses 5–9 he details those qualities and attributes that he finds so irresistible. His words would have met her need for affirmation and appreciation. A man who loves a woman will praise her for personal attributes and qualities. He will extol her virtues as a wife, mother, and homemaker. He will also openly commend her in the presence of others as a marvelous mate, friend, lover, and companion. She will feel that to him, no one is more important in this world.

I remember telling men in a conference that one of the ways they show their wife appreciation is by picking up the phone and calling her during the day to see how she is doing. He is not to call to ask what came in the mail or what's for supper! The following night a sweet young lady came up to me to tell me that her husband had obviously listened to what I had said the night before. She informed me that they had been married for a number of years and that her husband had never called her during the workday until today. On this day he called her five times! At first I was proud of the impression I had made on the man, but then a frightening thought entered my mind. I asked the lady, “Well, what did he say in each of those conversations?” Tragically, she informed me that he said not much at all and that each conversation lasted no more than a minute. I began to apologize to her for the fact that things had not worked out so well. She quickly interrupted me, “Oh no, Dr. Akin, it was wonderful. Just the fact that he thought to call means everything. We can work on the words later! However, if he doesn't call, we have nothing to work on.”

P'Gail Betton explains that, in part, the popular success Bishop T. D. Jakes enjoys with women is due to the constant way he publicly praises his wife. “I am a divorced mother of a 7-year-old, and I like to see a man who loves his wife.”
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Charlotte and I had some friends in Dallas who would come over to our home and eat pizza and drink Diet Coke on a regular basis. On one occasion my wife was standing in the kitchen getting some drinks ready. Just sort of spontaneously and without really thinking about it, I said to her, “Charlotte, girl, I do believe you are about the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.” She smiled at me and I smiled back.

Then one of my friends, whose name was Cathy, said to me, “Danny, I love it when you say nice things about Charlotte in front of other people, and you do it a lot.” I had not really thought about it that much before, and so I turned to Cathy and said, “You mean when John (her husband) says nice things about you in front of other people, it means a lot?” She responded with a twinkle in her eyes, “Hardly anything he does makes me feel more special.”

Men, we need to be reminded that words of appreciation and affirmation, in front of other people, speak to one of the deepest needs in the life of our wife.

There are 60 queens
      
and 80 concubines
      
and young women without number.
But my dove, my virtuous one, is unique;
      
she is the favorite of her mother,
      
perfect to the one who gave her birth.
Women see her and declare her fortunate;
      
queens and concubines also, and they sing her praises: …

I came down to the walnut grove
      
to see the blossoms of the valley,
      
to see if the vines were budding
      
and the pomegranates blooming.
Before I knew it,
      
my desire put me
      
among the chariots of my noble people.

Come back, come back, O Shulammite!
Come back, come back, that we may look at you! (6:8–9, 11–13)

SHE NEEDS PERSONAL AFFECTION AND ROMANCE (VV. 8–9, 11–13)

Romance for a man means sex. He cannot imagine romance without having sex. Romance for a woman can mean lots of things, and sex may or may not be a part of it. Solomon recognizes the need to cultivate an environment of romance, and so he tells Shulammite in 6:8–9 that no one compares to her when it comes to other women. She is his “unique” one (v. 9). All those who see her “declare her fortunate,” and they “sing her praises.” In verses 11–13, we find her response to the praise that has been showered on her by Solomon. She moves to the garden to see the beauty of it and the fresh evidences of their love. This is depicted by her desire to see whether the “vines were budding and the pomegranates blooming.” Even before she was aware of it, her soul had been enraptured, and she was “among the chariots of my noble people.” Verse 13 pictures her being swept away, while those who look on her beauty and perfection (at the encouragement of her husband, it should be noted) plead with her to return and not to go away. A woman who responds in this way has had her deepest need for affection and romance met by her husband.

It is crucial that a man learn how to speak to the needs of his wife's heart in the area of romance. He must demonstrate to her both in word and deed that he understands her unique needs and appetites in this area. Most men do not understand romance from the female perspective. Most men would not recognize romance as women understand it if it were to slap us in the face or bite us on the nose.

I became acutely aware of this when I came home one day when we were living in Dallas, and I asked my wife Charlotte, “Honey, do you think I'm romantic?” She yanked her head around so quickly, it is amazing to me that she did not permanently damage her neck. There was a look in her eyes that I had never seen before, but I was certain that I was not going to like what she would say. Being the loving wife that she is, she began by saying, “Let me start by saying that I do love you, and I cannot imagine being married to anybody else but you. You are a good husband and a wonderful father. However, I must tell you that the answer to your question is no. You are not romantic. I doubt that you would recognize it if it slapped you in the face or bit you on the nose.”

As you can imagine, my feelings were hurt, and so I responded in typical male fashion, “I've been reading a lot about this stuff lately, and all these books that I have been reading say you need it.” She responded by telling me that she did, and so I told her that I might try to begin to give it to her in the near future. I must add at this point, I had no idea exactly how that was going to happen, but I was pleased when she said, “The fact that you're even going to try, I find romantic.”