God on Sex: The Creator's Ideas About Love, Intimacy, and Marriage (20 page)

WORK MAY CAUSE THE PROBLEM

The Bible says, “His head is drenched with dew,” and his “hair with droplets of the night.” This is an example of Hebrew parallelism. The point is clear. It was late, near or after midnight. Like many men he probably had to work late. Struggling to make things come together in the tough, cruel world of a king required long hard days. Sometimes those days turned into nights. Time is, and has always been, our most precious commodity. You can only spend it
one time
and at
one place.
On this particular evening
work
won out over the
wife,
and the stage is set for a confrontation, a showdown in the bedroom.

WORDS MAY NOT CURE THE PROBLEM

In the Ancient Near East, it was the custom for a husband and wife to occupy separate bedrooms. What a terrible idea! Solomon has come home and is tired, but he is not too tired. He was, after all, a man! The fact is he was probably in need of both emotional and physical support and intimacy with his wife after a long, hard day. This is how God has wired a man. A study notes that

for men the secret of a happy marriage is emotional support and an active sex life. While women would just like their husbands to take more interest in them… . Women said, they just wanted husbands to take a greater interest in their opinions and a more active role in their social lives. Marriage counselor Sheron Li Yuet-Yi said, “sex plays an essential role in building up a successful marriage. We have seen newlyweds who do not have any idea how to do it and we have some middle-aged couples who are either too lazy or too tired.”
⁵

Sometimes things just don't come together as we had hoped in the bedroom.

Solomon's approach with his wife is gentle and sensitive. Perhaps he sensed some tension. A locked door to the bedroom might tip a guy off! Note his four names of affection and the four uses of the possessive pronoun
my
:

My sister
(cf. 4:9) emphasizes their friendship and the permanency of their relationship.

My darling
(cf. 1:9; used nine times and always by Solomon) speaks of the one in whom I delight and take pleasure. It is often used in the context of acknowledging her beauty.

My dove
(cf. 2:14) was perhaps a pet name. It describes her gentleness.

My perfect one
means “my flawless or blameless one,” the one whom I know is wholly mine and no other's.

I am convinced that Solomon is sincere in his compliments and words of praise. Of course this is not always the case with husbands, and our wives can become experts in deciphering some of our code phrases. A radio station in Louisville had some fun at males' expense when they talked about “what men really mean when they say …”

“It's a guy thing,” really means, “There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.”

“Can I help with dinner?” really means, “Why isn't it already on the table?”

“Uh-huh,” “sure, honey,” or “yes, dear,” really means absolutely nothing; it's a conditioned male response.

“It would take too long to explain,” really means, “I have no idea how it works.”

“We're going to be late,” really means, “Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac.”

“Take a break, honey, you're working too hard,” really means, “I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.”

“That's interesting, dear,” really means, “Are you still talking?”

“That's women's work,” really means, “It's difficult, dirty, and thankless.”

“We share the housework,” really means, “I make the messes; she cleans them up.”

“You know how bad my memory is,” really means, “I remember the theme song to
F Troop,
the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification number of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.”

“Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself. It's no big deal,” really means, “I have severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I am hurt.”

“Hey, I've got my reasons for what I am doing,” really means, “And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”

“I can't find it,” really means, “When I look in the refrigerator, I can't move the milk jug because if the ketchup is not behind it then the milk jug won!”

“What did I do this time?” really means, “What did you catch me doing?”

“I heard you,” really means, “I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and I am desperately hoping that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me.”

No, sometimes words, even our best ones, cannot overcome bad timing and prevent a bad night in the bedroom.

I have taken off my clothing.
      How can I put it back on?
I have washed my feet.
      How can I get them dirty? (v. 3)

THE DETAILS FOR LOVE MAY FEEL LIKE
TOO MUCH TROUBLE (V. 3)

Shulammite was perhaps mad, certainly hurt. The most basic needs of her heart had not been met. Bob Turnbull, in “What Your Wife Really Needs,” reminds us guys that our wives will dry up and wither on the inside without four things:

Time
—the currency of a relationship; clearing space in your calendar for her says you are valuable to me.

Talk
—this is how she connects with you. It is also one way in which she handles stress (men on the other hand, walk or take flight).

Tenderness
—it feeds her soul when she is nourished and knows she is cherished.

Touch
—non-sexual, affectionate touch is crucial to a wife, and if she only receives it as the pre-game to sex, she will begin to feel used, like a marital prostitute.
⁶

Whether he meant to or not, and he probably didn't, Solomon failed this
four-T
test, at least in the eyes of his wife. This, however, does not justify how Shulammite responds, and her response is selfish and especially insensitive to the fragility of the male ego. An evening that once held promise for both the husband and the wife is about to go down the drain. What can we do to avoid this?

GUARD AGAINST SILLY PRIORITIES

Her response in twenty-first-century America would translate, “Not tonight; I have a headache.” “Not tonight; I'm too tired.” Several Bible teachers note that “I have taken off my clothing” suggests she now lay naked, unclothed beneath the sheets. Is there perhaps a little dig hinting at “what you will miss because you stayed out too late"? I like, as a better response, what one man shared: “My wife decided to put a spark back into our marriage. Knowing how tired she gets at the end of the day, she prearranged a solution to a potential problem. When I came to bed, I found this note on my pillow: ‘I'm feeling romantic. If I'm asleep, wake me up and remind me.'” In essence Shulammite says: “My comfort is more important than your needs or desires. I waited; it's late. So sad. Too bad. If you can't get home at a decent hour, don't expect any special attention from me.”

GUARD AGAINST BEING A SELFISH PERSON

Washing the feet was an oriental custom before eating a meal or retiring for bed. Shulammite was washed up and ready for bed. To have to get up, put on her clothes, and get her feet dirty was too much trouble. Self-centeredness is a deadly sin. It can and will destroy anything that gets in its path. It is also foolish because it never has a truly accurate picture of reality.

In this context let me address one new and specific danger to our marriages that has recently come onto the scene. Computers are one of the marvelous inventions of the twentieth century. They have produced much good in many areas of life. Marriages, however, have suffered far too often from pornography, cybersex, and illusionary and unreal on-line romancing. In “Letters of the Century: America 1900–1999,” 412 letters were compiled to show us something about our personal perspectives during the twentieth century. The last letter selected came from the Shirley Glass AOL Electra Column. It was picked because it captured best the last decade and illustrated how the complexities of the computer age have changed us. It reads as follows:

Dear Dr. Glass,
I met a very interesting man online a couple of weeks ago and have talked to him on the phone several times as well. He is enchanting, charming, and everything I could possibly want. The trouble is that I'm already married and all the way across the country from Mr. Wonderful. I really think I love this man, but what can I do?

Sincerely,

Confused and Charmed.

Listen also to Shirley's wise and direct counsel.

Dear Confused and Charmed,
Your “Mr. Wonderful” may be somebody else's philandering husband. Internet relationships create a romantic mystique because you can create exciting fantasies about the other person. Add a little dose of secrecy, emotional intimacy, and sexual innuendoes, and you've got a full-blown emotional affair. It is easy to be charming when you are not dealing with the everyday irritations of leaking roofs and noisy kids. The love that you feel for this man is based on romantic idealization, whereas your marriage is based on reality. Furthermore, stable long-term relationships are seldom as exciting as stage 1 (the honeymoon) relationships. What does your online search for companionship and romance indicate about your marriage? Talk to your husband about your wants and needs and try to put some energy back into your marriage.

Selfishness and self-centeredness are death to a relationship. They will never build up but only tear down. Selfishness is unrealistic. It is harmful. It is sin. And it is almost always filled with regret. Self-centeredness is certain to produce a bad night in the bedroom and potentially many lonely ones as well.

My love thrust his hand through the opening,
      and my feelings were stirred for him.
I rose to open for my love.
My hands dripped with myrrh,
      my fingers with flowing myrrh
      on the handles of the bolt.
I opened to my love,
      but my love had turned and gone away.

I was crushed that he had left.
I sought him, but did not find him.
I called him, but he did not answer.
The guards who go about the city found me.
They beat and wounded me;
      they took my cloak from me—
      the guardians of the walls. (vv. 4–7)

THE DENIAL OF LOVE MAY FLOWER ONLY
TEMPORARILY (VV. 4–7)

Six times in verses 2–8 Shulammite calls Solomon “my love.” She does so four more times in verses 9–10. She has been angry with him, but she does love him. His tender words have worked their way into her heart. Now Solomon, being the typical male, follows up with one last advance. He gently places his hand on the latch (the opening of the door). Because of the poetic, symbolic, and erotic nature of this book, numerous scholars have noted the male hand is sometimes used euphemistically for the sexual parts of a man (cf. Isa. 57:8, 10; Jer. 5:31; 50:15). If this is so, the latch or opening corresponds most certainly to the female counterpart. What is the response to this kind, sensitive, and sensual overture?

YOU MAY RECONSIDER SAYING NO (VV. 4–5)

Her “feelings were stirred” for her husband. She is touched by his kindness. With the words, “I rose,” she moves into action. The “I” is emphatic. She now wants to make things right. “The myrrh” is perhaps left by Solomon as a sign of his love and regret that things had gone sour or perhaps on the hand of Shulammite who quickly prepared herself for the now desired sexual rendezvous. She wanted her man as much as he wanted her.

It is tragic that in many marriages the bedroom becomes a war zone and a battlefield because wives are convinced their husbands always want sex and husbands are convinced their wives like to say no as often as possible. A friend of mine who does marriage counseling told me about a woman who came to him because she was having marriage problems. The issue was sex. It seemed to her that sex was all her husband was interested in, 24–7, and he was constantly putting enormous pressure on her for activity in that department. She was just about at the end of her rope, and so she came looking for help.