God on Sex: The Creator's Ideas About Love, Intimacy, and Marriage (29 page)

In an article entitled “Nourishing Your Love,” Marie Pierson advises women in how to touch a man's heart. Here are her six suggestions:

1. Show him admiration and appreciation.
   
2. Nurture his friendship.
   
3. Lower your expectations. (You married a real person!)
   
4. Watch your priorities. (Is he #1 after Jesus?!)
   
5. Enhance your love life.
   
6. Be forgiving. (Even as God in Christ has forgiven you. Eph. 4:32)
   ¹⁴
   

TIMING IS IMPORTANT (V. 4)

For the third time (cf. 2:7; 3:5) the importance of the proper time for lovemaking is addressed. Obviously God believes timing is important. First, it is the right time for lovemaking only in marriage between a man and a woman. Second, within marriage, timing and sensitivity to the needs and feelings of our mate is crucial as we build affection and romance in our marriage.

Some popular pundits say the modern Christian advice concerning sex dates to 1973 and a book by a woman, Marabel Morgan's
The Total Woman.
Actually, advice for Christians concerning sex goes all the way back to the Book of Genesis when prior to the fall, Adam and Eve “were both naked and … not ashamed” (Gen. 2:25 NASB). The climax of God's counsel we find in the Song of Songs. Here we discover that our God says sex and romance are good in marriage. Indeed they are essential. It is encouraging to see that more and more Christians “see sex more as a gift to be enjoyed within marriage than as an evil to be endured or avoided,"
¹⁵
and that, “an orthodox view of romance, courtship and sexuality” may be the best road to sexual satisfaction. Solomon worked at doing his part. In these verses we have seen Shulammite doing her part. Why hasn't it always been this way? After all, God's plan for the Christian bedroom has never changed. It is a good thing. It is a great thing. Yes, it is a God thing.

Chapter 13

Love That Lasts a Lifetime

THE SONG OF SONGS 8:5–14

Love is wonderful. It can also be dangerous. I heard about the teenage boy who went into the drugstore and asked the druggist for a one-pound, a three-pound, and a five-pound box of candy. When the druggist asked him why he wanted three different boxes, he said, “Tonight I have a date with the most beautiful girl in our school. She is drop-dead gorgeous. I've been in love with her for years, and I finally worked up enough nerve to ask her out, and she said yes. Unfortunately our first date is having dinner with her parents. But after dinner, we're going to go outside and sit in their porch swing, and I have really high hopes about that. If before the night is out I get to hold her hand, I'm going to give her that one-pound box of candy as a gift. But sir I must tell you, my goals for this night are much higher. If she lets me put my arm around her and hold her real tight, I'm going to give her that three-pound box. But, if before our date ends, she lets me give her a big wet kiss right on her mouth, I'll give her that five-pound box of candy as a gift.”

The druggist sold him his three boxes of candy, and the young man went home. In preparation for the date, he did all the things a man, young or old, married or unmarried, should do before a date. He took a shower and used shampoo and soap. He brushed his teeth and used mouthwash. He put on deodorant and cologne, as well as nice clean clothes.

After arriving at his date's home and visiting for a while in the family room, they went into the dining room for dinner. The father asked the young man to say the blessing, and boy did he. He prayed fifteen minutes for the meal! When he finished, his date looked at him and said, “I had no idea you were so spiritual.” The young man looked back at her and said, “Yes, and I had no idea your daddy was the druggist either!”

Yes, love is wonderful. Love is dangerous. Love can also be confusing. It is often the case that we get love confused with infatuation, and the mistake can be disastrous. I came across an article that contrasts the two. I think you'll find it is right on target.

Love or Infatuation

Infatuation leaps into bloom. Love usually takes root and grows one day at a time. Infatuation is accompanied by a sense of uncertainty. You are stimulated and thrilled but not really happy. You are miserable when he is absent. You can't wait until you see her again. Love begins with a feeling of security. You are warm with a sense of his nearness, even when he is away. Miles do not separate you. You want her near. But near or far, you know she is yours and you can wait.

Infatuation says, “We must get married right away. I can't risk losing him.” Love says, “Don't rush into anything. You are sure of one another. You can plan your future with confidence.”

Infatuation has an element of sexual excitement. If you are honest, you will discover it is difficult to enjoy one another unless you will know it will end in intimacy. Love is the maturation of friendship. You must be friends before you can be lovers.

Infatuation lacks confidence. When he's away, you wonder if he's with another girl. When she is away, you wonder if she is with another guy. Sometimes you even check. Love means trust. You may fall into infatuation, but you never fall in love. Infatuation might lead you to do things for which you might be sorry, but love never will.

Love lifts you up. It makes you look up. It makes you think up. It makes you a better person than you were before.

Song of Solomon thinks love is important, so important in fact that it constitutes the final theme of the book. Twelve different aspects of love are addressed. Love truly is, according to God's Word, “a many splendored thing.”

Who is this coming up from the wilderness,
       leaning on the one she loves? (v. 5)

LOVE IS PUBLIC (V. 5)

It appears that Solomon and Shulammite are riding again in the royal chariot in full public display. She reclines relaxed and secure “leaning on the one she loves.” The phrase “coming up from the wilderness could be echoing the theme of Israel's forty years of wandering in the wilderness before entering the promised land. This couple has passed through those wilderness periods in their marriage and safely arrived on the other side. “The wilderness” also could convey the idea of cursedness (see Jer. 22:6; Joel 2:3). Their love relationship is a redeemed relationship through God's grace. The effects of the fall and the Genesis curse (Gen. 3:16ff) have been reversed and the disharmony that sin brings into a relationship overcome. This is what God can do when He is Lord of our marriage. As Frederica Matthews-Green says, “Women need men to call us up toward the highest moral principles; [men] need [women] to call them down to the warmth of human love and respect for gentler sensibilities… . It's clear that we need each other. You would almost think someone planned it that way.”
¹
The love that Solomon and Shulammite enjoy is something all the world should see and learn from.

Under the apricot tree I awakened you.
There your mother conceived you;
      there she conceived and gave you birth. (v. 5b)

LOVE IS PRIVATE (V. 5)

Shulammite again initiates lovemaking (the “I” is feminine). Apparently they have left the chariot and are now alone. Three times in the Song we have been told not to awaken love until the time is right (2:7; 3:5; 8:4). The time is now right according to Shulammite. The apricot (or apple) tree was often associated with sexual activity and romance in the ancient world. “It was the sweetheart tree of the ancient world.”
²

The last part of verse 5 is an example of Hebrew parallelism. “There your mother conceived you; there she conceived and gave you birth.” Garrett points out:

She calls her beloved an apple tree in 2:3 and thus the figure of his mother being “under the apple tree” means that his mother was with his father. Similarly, the place where his mother conceived and gave birth to him refers to the female parts… . The woman means she and he are now participating in the same act by which the man himself was given life.
³

As we have seen throughout this book, sex is an important and significant part of a good marriage and with good reason. Married sex is more satisfying than recreational sex or cohabiting sex for both men and women.
⁴
Indeed Linda Waite, coauthor of
The Case for Marriage,
says, “Just being married seems to improve women's satisfaction with sex … while marriage works for men sexually by giving them an active and varied sex life.”
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However, we do need to be fair and honest about this area. Sometimes, as we have seen in this book, the sparks don't fly, and the flame is barely at pilot light. Why? The reasons vary. Barbara DeAngelis, author of
How to Make Love All the Time,
warns us of five traps we must avoid.

Trap #1: Waiting until late at night to have sex

Trap #2: Falling prey to statistics paranoia

Trap #3: Stalling until you're in the mood for sex

Trap #4: Getting completely out of the habit

Trap #5: Using fatigue as a cover-up for other problems

Barbara quickly counters, however, with a fourfold strategy to turn things around.

Solution #1: Plan time for sex

Solution #2: Plan decompression time after work

Solution #3: Give yourself permission to have “quickies”

Solution #4: Stop trying to fill a sexual quota; enjoy the sex you do have
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This is sound counsel, and coupled with the advice we receive in the Song, we can confidently and expectantly look forward to those private times for love.

Set me as a seal on your heart. (v. 6)

LOVE IS PERSONAL (V. 6)

Shulammite asks her husband to set her as a seal upon his heart. A person's seal was extremely important and personal. In part, it indicated ownership and was placed upon a person's most valued possessions. This wife wants to know she is her husband's most personal and valuable possession. She wants to be a seal but a seal placed in a particular location, upon his heart. In the world of Solomon, it was customary to wear a signet ring or cylinder seal on a cord or necklace around the neck. For Solomon to love his wife in such a way that she felt near his heart would speak of unbreakable devotion and commitment.

How can we demonstrate this personal component of love to our mates so that they know they are indeed a precious seal upon our heart? Perhaps a little marital intimacy test might provide some assistance. Answer the following ten questions and use a basic four-point scale like we do in school.

Marital Intimacy Test

(Answer: 4–often, 3–often enough, 2–not enough, 1–rarely, or 0–never for each.)

1. How often do you show affection for each other? _____
   
2. How often do you laugh at each other's jokes? _____
   
3. How often do you say something nice to each other? _____
   
4. How often do you compliment your partner in front of others? _____
   
5. How often do you enjoy sexual intimacy? _____
   
6. How often are you playful with each other? _____
   
7. How often do you look each other in the eyes while talking? _____
   
8. How often do you give each other a little surprise? _____
   
9. How often do you say “please?” _____
   
10. How often do you say “I'm sorry?” _____
    

Add up your points and divide by 10. You will get your score per a 4.0 scale. You will also get some insight into the personal aspect of your love.

       
As a seal on your arm. (v. 6)

LOVE IS PROTECTIVE (V. 6)

Shulammite also desires to be a permanent possession upon her husband's arm. The arm speaks of strength and security. This woman understands that in true love there is always a feeling of safety. There is rest in the relationship we enjoy with our mate.

True love does have a protective attitude. You desire to shield the one you love from any harm, from any injury, from any damage, from anything that will in any way be detrimental. Food for thought: One of the most “lethal weapons” in a relationship is the little chipping at one another with sarcastic barbs. This is especially hurtful when done in front of others. You develop a person by magnifying his strengths, never his weaknesses. Take pride in each other. Learn to protect each other.

One key to this protective component of love is knowledge. The better we know our mates the better equipped we are to give them protective love. So let's ask the question, “How well do you really know your spouse?” A deep and genuine knowledge leads to friendship, and being best friends is crucial to a satisfying marriage. So let's take another little quiz.

Answer the following either True or False:

1. I can name my partner's best friends.
   
2. I know what stresses my partner currently faces.
   
3. I know the names of those who have been irritating my partner lately.
   
4. I know some of my partner's life dreams.
   
5. I am very familiar with my partner's spiritual beliefs.
   
6. I can outline my partner's basic philosophy of life.
   
7. I can list the relatives my partner likes least.
   
8. I know my partner's favorite music.
   
9. I can list my partner's favorite three movies.
   
10. I know the most stressful thing that happened to my partner in childhood.
    
11. I can list my partner's major aspirations.
    
12. I know what my partner would do if he/she suddenly received ten million dollars.
    
13. I can relate in detail my first impressions of my partner.
    
14. I ask my partner about his/her world periodically.
    
15. I feel my partner knows me well.