God on Sex: The Creator's Ideas About Love, Intimacy, and Marriage (30 page)

Scoring: If you answered true to more than half, this is an area of strength in your marriage. You know what makes your partner tick. If not, you have some work to do. Take time to learn more about your spouse to make your relationship stronger.
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For love is as strong as death;
    
ardent love is as unrelenting as Sheol. (v. 6)

LOVE IS POSSESSIVE (V. 6)

Love is said to be “as strong as death; ardent love … as unrelenting as Sheol” (or the grave). Love is both universal and unavoidable, just like death. This is the only occurrence of the word
strong
in the Song. The word means “an irresistible assailant or an immovable defender.”
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When love calls, its siren sound is so compelling you cannot resist it. Love “never releases those whom it has once seized.”
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“Ardent love” is a strong emotional attachment to a particular person or thing. This type of love is possessive and exclusive. It swallows down men and women once it has laid hold of them just as possessively and certainly as does the grave.
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“In godly love a righteous jealousy is as hard or inevitable as the grave.”
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It will not let go.

When I played football our coaches tried to motivate us with a saying that went something like this: “When the going gets tough, the tough get going.” That may well be true. However, of one thing I am certain: “When the going gets tough, love keeps going.” It refuses to quit, drop out of the race, throw in the towel, or let go of the object of its affection. As Paul says in his beautiful chapter on love in 1 Corinthians 13:7–8, “Love bears all things … endures all things. Love never fails.”

In true love there is a feeling of belongingness. The person in love always thinks of himself in relationship to the other person, and it's a beautiful way to love. What is he doing? What is she doing? What is he thinking? What is she feeling? Real love is possessive. It is not, as one skeptic on marriage said, “two singletons living under the same roof.”
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Love's flames are fiery flames—
            the fiercest of all. (v. 6)

LOVE IS POWERFUL (V. 6)

Love “burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame” (NIV). The emphasis is on the power and intensity of the fire. It is interesting to point out that the last syllable of “flames” in the Hebrew text could refer to the divine name of the Lord, “Yahweh.” The Jerusalem Bible, American Standard Version (1901) and the NIV (marginal reading) all take it this way. If this is correct, God Himself is seen as the source of this love. The power of its nature would, therefore, only be strengthened. The love God kindles in a marriage over which He is Lord is such a fervent and fiery flame that nothing on earth can extinguish it or put it out. Like a raging forest fire, it burns with such an intensity that no one can control it. This is a passionate love, a red-hot flame.

In his book
Sustaining Love,
David Augsburger notes that marriages move through stages. In fact, he speaks of four marriages in a marriage. For example, in stage 1 we dream, in stage 2 we become disillusioned, in stage 3 we discover, and in stage 4 we experience depth. It is this fourth stage for which we should aspire as it is here that we find the true power and promises of love. In addition to depth, we also find true communication, celebration, acceptance, intimacy, interdependency, and hope. Here we are not “blinded” by love; we are “bound together” by love. We create “sacred times” for each other because the power of love has made us soul mates.

Mighty waters cannot extinguish love;
            rivers cannot sweep it away. (v. 7)

LOVE IS PERSEVERING (V. 7)

And You Wonder Why It Didn't Last

She married him because he was such a “strong man.”
She divorced him because he was such a “dominating male.”

He married her because she was so “fragile and petite.”
He divorced her because she was so “weak and helpless.”

She married him because “he knows how to provide a good living.”
She divorced him because “all he thinks about is business.”

He married her because “she reminds me of my mother.”
He divorced her because “she's getting more like her mother every day.”

She married him because he was “happy and romantic.”
She divorced him because he was “shiftless and fun-loving.”

He married her because she was “steady and sensible.”
He divorced her because she was “boring and dull.”

She married him because he was “the life of the party.”
She divorced him because “he never wants to come home from a party.”

Marriage is meant to last, and so is love. It is not for a season but for a lifetime. Solomon teaches us that the love God gives cannot be stopped; its flame cannot be put out. Though “mighty waters” or even floods come against it, it will not be extinguished. It will persevere. “The tenacious staying power of love is set against these tides and perennial rivers which are unable to wash love away or put out its sparks.”
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Bob and Gloria Cooper have been married for over fifty years. They are just a regular kind of couple. Concerning their own marriage, Bob said, “This marriage is a covenant. It isn't anything you walk away from. You just make it work.”
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Indeed love may mean staying even when you want to leave. David Sanford provides valuable counsel in this context when he writes:

Why should you stay in your marriage if you really want to divorce? Quite possibly reasons for staying will include 1) honoring your spouse, 2) respecting your children's needs, 3) caring about family and friends, and 4) property, support and separate housing. You will probably not be asked to consider that you should stay in your marriage in order to learn how to love, despite the fact that this reason for honoring the marriage commitment is one of the most compelling of all. You remember love. If you were typical of most people love was one of your prime reasons for getting married. You were much in love back then. You had a partner who loved you and, you believed, would go on loving you into the future. That was your expectation in getting married. Of course, you loved your partner, too. Doing so was part of being in love and probably was a pleasure, rather than a difficulty. What a shock to learn that loving is primarily not what you receive but what you do—and do even when boredom, resentment, or a hunger for novelty tells you that life can be better somewhere else.
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True love, God's kind of love, is persevering.

If a man were to give all his wealth for love,
      it would be utterly scorned. (v. 7)

LOVE IS PRICELESS (V. 7)

True love cannot be bought. It has no price tag. It is not for sale. If a person were to give all that he owned to buy love, he would be despised and scorned, subjected to public ridicule and mockery. “By its very nature love must be given. Sex can be bought, love must be given.”
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What are some clear and concrete ways in which we can give the priceless gift of love to our mate? Joanna Weaver helps us out with her “25 Ways to Love Your Lover.”

25 Ways to Love Your Lover

1. List the top 10 reasons “I'm the most fortunate husband/wife in the world.” Read them aloud to your spouse.
   
2. Surprise your mate by doing one of his or her chores. When asked why, give a smooch and say, “Because you are worth it.”
   
3. Don't just show—tell! Say, “I love you.”
   
4. Communicate your plans to each other. On Sunday night go over your schedules for the coming week.
   
5. Use the T.H.I.N.K. method to determine whether an issue needs to be brought up. Is it true? helpful? important? necessary?
   kind?
   
6. Plan an appreciation celebration for your mate, complete with his or her favorite
   meal.
   
7. Look at your schedule. Make time with your spouse a weekly priority.
   
8. Bring back those dating days. After picking up the sitter, walk back outside and knock on the door with flowers in your hand.
   
9. Don't turn on the TV until after dinnertime, if at all. Wait for a conversation to break out.
   
10. Pray together. Thank God for your mate, then pray for his or her special needs.
    
11. On your spouse's birthday send your in-laws a thank-you card.
    
12. Set boundaries in outside relationships. Don't let anyone take away too much of the time you spend with your spouse.
    
13. Are you seeing eye to eye? Experts have found the deeper the love, the more frequent the eye contact.
    
14. Pull out old love letters, taking turns reading and reminiscing.
    
15. Take turns reading from the Bible each night.
    
16. Stretch out birthdays with special activities, fun surprises, and a whole lot of hoopla.
    
17. Be a student of your spouse. Learn what he likes. Learn what she needs.
    
18. Treat your wife like a lady. Open doors and hold chairs.
    
19. Throw away fighting words like “you never” and “you should.” Use healing words like “I'm sorry” and “you may be right.”
    
20. Make church attendance a joyful priority.
    
21. Instead of making a joke at your spouse's expense, give a sincere compliment.
    
22. Create traditions as a couple by budgeting money for special times together.
    
23. Be affectionate. Back rubs and tender hand-holding communicate love.
    
24. Choose your battles carefully.
    
25. Be a person of integrity. Give your spouse no reason to doubt your word or question your commitment.
    

Our sister is young;

     
she has no breasts.

What will we do for our sister

     
on the day she is spoken for?

If she is a wall,

     
we will build a silver parapet on it.

If she is a door,

     
we will enclose it with cedar planks. (vv. 8–9)

LOVE IS PURE (VV. 8–9)

Verses 8–12 probably should be understood as a flashback to Shulammite's youth and initial meeting of Solomon. She grew up in a family where her brothers had been hard on her (1:6), but they were also protective. They watched over her and gave attention to her moral development and maturity. Even when she was “young” and had “no breasts,” they kept an eye out for her as they considered the time when she would give herself to a man in marriage. “If she is a wall” speaks of moral purity and unavailability. If she demonstrates such character, they will honor her as a tower of silver. She would be given freedom and responsibility. On the other hand, “if she is a door,” indicating moral vulnerability and weakness, they will enclose her and board her up in order to protect her. If she is reckless and irresponsible in her behavior, they will of necessity restrict her freedom and opportunities for sexual misbehavior and foolishness.

Shulammite's family was wise in their guidance of this young lady. Unfortunately, far too few families provide this much needed guidance in our day. The fallout has been tragic indeed. In an article entitled “Modern Women Get No Respect,” Dr. Laura Schlessinger addresses the moral cesspool into which too many women have fallen. She writes:

Once again we are confronted by feminist outrage at “vicious male behavior” without even a passing nod to the kinds of behavior “sexually liberated women” exhibit. Why shouldn't males in the audience shout at performers such as Sheryl Crow to bare her breasts? Madonna has done it. There are women in Los Angeles and other major cities who go to events to have their breasts signed and who flash their breasts at other drivers on the road. There are scads and scads—legions— of skuzzy, skanky women. Sexy fun is the new norm in America, but I guess that depends on what side of the breast one is on. I know for a fact that people who don't think sexual degradation and license are fun or funny are considered the villains in this country's unfolding immorality play. There is little reason left for society to respect women as it once did. Women get knocked up. They don't marry. They have abortions. They go to bars. They get knocked up again. Major movie stars proudly get knocked up out of wedlock. Television stars contribute to our attitudes about women. Watch prime-time television: How many women behave with dignity? Where is the feminist outcry about these portrayals, hour after hour, night after night? … How is it that the feminists still don't get it? They once believed that if women were free to drop their drawers as often as men, something wonderful would happen. How did they miss that sexually transmitted disease, abortions, out-of-wedlock births, lack of respect, and increased vulnerability and exposure to violence also were going to be part of this package? I hold no respect for crude male animals. But the male gender isn't the only one that knows how to oink. As a general rule, women in our society do not behave in ways that engender respect. There is a huge population out there that thinks that's just fine and is ready to excoriate women who behave in more traditional female ways. The guys, especially, endorse “the equality of scuzz.” It sure gets them off the hook and releases them from all responsibility. They can count on women to abort the results of indiscriminate sex or to raise the illegitimate offspring all by themselves. I said a few paragraphs back that we are “almost at the end” of the sexual revolution. There's one group left for sexual liberation to conquer: our children. The campaign, tragically, is well under way.
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