God on Sex: The Creator's Ideas About Love, Intimacy, and Marriage (26 page)

A man should not make assumptions when dealing with a woman, especially his wife. It can get him into serious trouble. In our first year of marriage, I made such an assumption. I assumed a particular object lesson would make the appropriate impression on my wife, Charlotte. Boy, was I wrong!

We sat down one Saturday evening to eat a sandwich for dinner. As she placed a wonderful sandwich on the table, Charlotte also put beside it a Tupperware product that had inside of it, if you used your imagination and a magnifying glass, something that remotely resembled potato chips. Once these crumbs were placed in your mouth, you could easily have assumed it was a new variety of chewing gum. They were awful.

I turned to Charlotte and said, “Honey, I don't like these. They're too small and stale. I want some big, fresh, crispy, potato chips.” She responded, “Sweetheart, when all of these are gone, we can get some more.”

That was not the answer I was looking for, and so I said, “But darling, I saw in the pantry on the way in here a brand new bag of fresh, crispy potato chips that has never been opened. I want those!”

Quick as a flash she shot back, “Well, sugar dumpling, when this container is empty, we can get those.”

I then did something that a man would only do in his first year of marriage. I stood up, took her Tupperware, and dumped the chips in the floor! I then said, “This one is empty now. You can go and get the others.”

It probably won't surprise anyone that she did not go get the other chips, it was rather chilly at our house (and in our bed) for several days, and I learned the danger of assuming my wife would appreciate my creative object lesson.

EXPRESS DELIGHT FROM HER LOVE (VV. 8–9)

Solomon tells Shulammite that he wants her and that he senses she wants him. I wonder how he got that idea?! Her breasts, her breath, and her mouth all are sources of sensual desire and delight. Her breasts are attractive and sweet. Her breath is fragrant like apricots or apples.
¹²
The deep, sensual kisses of her mouth are intoxicating like “fine wine.” Shulammite had earlier described her husband's mouth in this way (1:2). He now returns the compliment. The environment has been set for a time of meaningful romantic lovemaking.

John Gries is on target when he writes, “Jesus intended marriage to be happy for you. God expects regular sex in marriage, and sex is a learning process.” In his book
Sex 101: Over 350 Creative Ways to Combine Sex, Romance and Affection,
Gries points out seven essentials for satisfying sex. They include communication, time, patience, experimentation, understanding, being teachable, and humor. He notes, “Every ingredient is very important.”
¹³

RNS reported that “Family, money and religion are even more important to Americans than sex, according to a new survey on attitudes toward sexual health.” But that does not mean Americans devalue sex. Of those surveyed, 82 percent said sexual satisfaction was important or very important. “Loving family relationships,” received the most votes, with 99 percent considering it important or very important. Financial security was a close second, receiving 98 percent. Ranked third, religion and spiritual life was considered important or very important by 86 percent… . “This survey is a ‘snapshot’ in time that looks at how American adults view issues related to sexuality and sexual problems as a whole,” said Dr. Marianne J. Legato of Columbia University. Researchers also found that age did not affect the importance people placed on sex. The vast majority of respondents, 94 percent—split almost equally between men and women—agreed that “enjoyable sexual relations add to a person's quality of life, even when they grow older.”

Yes, we should expect delight from the love of our mate. And the good news is that it can get better with each passing year.

Your mouth is like fine wine—
      
flowing smoothly for my love
     
gliding past my lips and teeth!
I belong to my love,
     
and his desire is for me. (7:9–10)

HE ACCEPTS THE PASSION OF HIS MATE (VV. 9–10)

It has been some time since Shulammite has spoken (6:13). She has been carefully listening and taking in all that her husband has said. He has gotten the attention of her heart, and again it was through her ear, through what she heard. Now it is her time to act, and act she does. What do we discover about the pleasures of passion in a good marriage?

LET THERE BE MUTUAL GIVING (V. 9)

Picking up on the imagery of wine, Shulammite expresses her desire to satisfy and bring pleasure to her husband. “The wine goes down smoothly for my beloved [HCSB “love"] moving gently the lips of sleepers [or “lovers"].”
¹⁴
They are making love to each other, and it is delightful—like fine, intoxicating wine. They exchange kisses and intimate expressions of love that each finds satisfying. His goal is to satisfy and please her. Her goal is to satisfy and please him. When there is mutual giving with the goal of pleasing your mate, the marvelous result will be that both spouses will experience the joy and pleasure God intended for us (cf. 1 Cor. 7:3–4; Phil 2:3–5).

Susan Townsend says we must play fair when making love. This entails:

F
lirting (a smile and a look)

A
ppreciate (and express it)

I
ntimacy (let you know me)

R
isk (have adventuresome sex; talk about new topics; keep the spice).
¹⁵

LET THERE BE MUTUAL GRATIFICATION (V. 10)

There have already been refrains or statements of mutual possession (2:16; 6:3). However, this time the statement is different. Rather than read, “I am my lover's and my lover is mine” (6:3), we read, “I belong [am] to my lover, and
his desire is for me.
” This is a strong affirmation of possession and gratification. She delights in the fact that her husband's desire is for her only. What security! What satisfaction! What safety! She is so taken by his love for her she does not need to mention her possession of him. The word
desire
occurs only here and in Genesis 3:16 and 4:7. It speaks of a strong yearning. Solomon, as is true of all men, has an earnest desire for “the loving approval of his wife.”
¹⁶
She is grateful for his desire for her, and he is grateful for her admiration and respect.

Passion is not an easy thing to keep aflame over a lifetime, but it is an essential thing. What are some strategies we can put into practice to ensure that flame is never extinguished? Let me quickly give you several:

Twelve Ways to Keep Passion Alive in Your Marriage

1. Work at It

A lifetime of love and romance takes effort. Few things in life are as complicated as building and maintaining an intimate, passionate relationship. You need to work on it constantly to get through those trying periods that require extra work.

2. Think as a Team

When making important decisions, such as whether to work overtime or accept a transfer or promotion, ask yourself this question: What will the choice I am making do to the people I love? Try to make the decision that will have the most positive impact on your marriage and your family.

3. Be Protective

Guard and separate your marriage and your family from the rest of the world. This might mean refusing to work on certain days or nights. You might turn down relatives and friends who want more of you than you have the time, energy, or inclination to give. You might even have to say no to your children to protect time with your spouse. (The kids won't suffer if this is done occasionally and not constantly.)

4. Accept That Good and Not Perfect is OK When It Comes to Your Mate

No one is perfect. You married a real person who will make real mistakes. However, never be content with bad. Always aim for great, but settle for good!

5. Share Your Thoughts and Feelings

Unless you consistently communicate, signaling to your partner where you are and getting a recognizable message in return, you will lose each other along the road of life. Create or protect communication-generating rituals. No matter how busy you may be, make time for each other. For example, take a night off each week, go for a walk together every few days, go out to breakfast if you can't have dinner alone, or just sit together for fifteen minutes each evening simply talking, without any other distractions.

6. Manage Anger and Especially Contempt Better

Try to break the cycle in which hostile, cynical, contemptuous attitudes fuel unpleasant emotions, leading to negative behaviors that stress each other out and create more tension. Recognize that anger signals frustration of some underlying need, and try to figure out what that need might be. Avoid igniting feelings of anger with the judgment that you are being mistreated. Watch your nonverbal signals, such as the tone of your voice, your hand and arm gestures, facial expressions and body movements. Remain seated, don't stand or march around the room. Deal with one issue at a time. Don't let your anger about one thing lead you into showering the other with a cascade of issues. If different topics surface during your conflict, flag them to address later. Try to notice subtle signs that anger or irritation is building. If you are harboring these feelings, express them before they build too much and lead to an angry outburst. Keep focused on the problem, not persons. Don't turn a fairly manageable problem into a catastrophe. Emphasize where you agree.

7. Declare Your Devotion to Each Other Again and Again

True long-range intimacy requires repeated affirmations of commitment to your partner. Remember: love is in what you say and in how you act. Buy flowers. Do the dishes and take out the trash without being asked. Give an unsolicited back rub. Committed couples protect the boundaries around their relationship. Share secrets with each other more than with any circle of friends and relatives.

8. Give Each Other Permission to Change

Pay attention. If you aren't learning something new about each other every week or two, you simply aren't observing closely enough. You are focusing on other things, not one another. Bored couples fail to update how they view each other. They act as though the roles they assigned and assumed early in the relationship will remain forever the same. Remain constantly in touch with each other's dreams, fears, goals, disappointments, hopes, regrets, wishes, and fantasies. People continue to trust those who know them best and who accept them.

9. Have Fun Together

Human beings usually fall in love with the ones who make them laugh, who make them feel good on the inside. They stay in love with those who make them feel safe enough to come out to play. Keep delight a priority. Put your creative energy into making yourselves joyful and producing a relationship that regularly feels like recess.

10. Make Yourself Trustworthy

People come to trust the ones who affirm them. They learn to distrust those who act as if a relationship were a continual competition over who is right and who gets their way. Always act as if each of you has thoughts, impressions, and preferences that make sense, even if your opinions or needs differ. Realize your partner's perceptions will always contain some truth, and validate that truth before adding your perspectives to the discussion.

11. Forgive and Forget

Don't be too hard on each other. If your passion and love are to survive, you must learn how to forgive. You and your partner regularly need to wipe the slate clean so that anger doesn't build and resentment fester. Holding on to hurts and hostility will block real intimacy. It will only assure that no matter how hard you work at it, your relationship will not grow. Do what you can to heal the wounds in a relationship, even if you did not cause them. Be compassionate about the fact that neither of you intended to hurt the other as you set out on this journey.

12. Cherish and Applaud

One of the most fundamental ingredients in the intimacy formula is cherishing each other. You need to celebrate each other's presence. If you don't give your partner admiration, applause, appreciation, acknowledgment, the benefit of the doubt, encouragement, and the message that you are happy to be there with your beloved now, where else will your partner receive those gifts? Be generous. Be gracious. One of the most painful mistakes a couple can make is the failure to notice and acknowledge their partner's heroics. These small acts of unselfishness include taking out the trash, doing the laundry, mowing the lawn, driving the carpool, preparing the taxes, keeping track of birthdays, calling the repairman, and cleaning the bathroom, as well as hundreds of other routine labors. People are amazingly resilient if they work and receive appreciation in the process. Make a concerted effort to notice daily acts of heroism by your loved ones. (Source unknown)