God on Sex: The Creator's Ideas About Love, Intimacy, and Marriage (11 page)

Several years ago I was scheduled to do a family life conference in another state. A week or so before I was to go, I received an anonymous card in the mail from a woman with a broken heart. Here is what she wrote.

Dear Dr. Akin,
I hope you receive my card before the marriage conference… . I recently married a member of our church. He will be attending your seminar. This past Valentine's Day he did not acknowledge the romantic holiday, and I was very hurt. I watched as my coworkers received flowers. To make things worse, he joked about it in front of one of my friends. My mom told me I should have known what to expect since he never gave me flowers while we were dating. This may sound selfish and petty on my part. I am just so discouraged! After I come home from my job, I do all the housework and cooking and shopping. I wouldn't mind so much if he would just occasionally show his appreciation. The only time he has ever given me a gift is on my birthday and Christmas. It would mean so much to me if just once he would give me something just because he loves me. I exercise and try to look nice. I iron all his clothes and cook his favorite meals. He has thousands of dollars to invest in the stock market, but he has never spent one dollar on a romantic gift for me. I know flowers will eventually wilt, but they are so beautiful. I'm afraid my love will eventually wilt. Will you pray for me?

Wow! What a terrible situation. What an out-of-touch husband. This husband probably loves his wife, but he has no clue how to show it. In fact, it appears he never has. He was insensitive before they married, and he is insensitive after they married. Shouldn't she have seen it coming? We can't criticize the man for not being transparent. What she saw is what she got. Transparency, you see, is a two-way street. What are they showing? What are you seeing? We must work at full disclosure on one end and honest evaluation on the other.

My love calls to me:
      
Arise, my darling.
      
Come away, my beautiful one.
For now the winter is past;
      
the rain has ended and gone away.
The blossoms appear in the countryside.
The time of singing has come,
      
and the turtledove's cooing is heard in our land.
The fig tree ripens its figs;
      
the blossoming vines give off their fragrance.
Arise, my darling.
      
Come away, my beautiful one.
O my dove—in the clefts of the rock,
     
in the crevices of the cliff—
     
let me see your face,
     
let me hear your voice;
     
for your voice is sweet,
     
and your face is lovely. (2:10–14)

QUESTION 2: ARE THEY TENDER WITH THEIR
WORDS? (vv. 10–14)

USA Today,
March 30, 2000, reported on a study that found that how we talk, even more than what we say, can predict whether a marriage will succeed or fail.

How newlyweds talk to each other, more than what they actually say, can predict which couples will divorce with 87% accuracy, new government-sponsored research says.

The results of the 10-year study from the University of Washington, Seattle, add to the growing body of research sponsored by the National Institute of Mental Health that seeks to identify what saves marriages.

Interviewed within six months of marriage, couples who will endure already see each other “through rose-colored glasses,” study co-author Sybil Carrere says. “Their behavior toward each other is positive.” Those who will divorce already see each other “through fogged lenses,” seeming cynical and unable to say good things about each other.
¹

How we say things is as important as what we say. A kind attitude and a tender tone will foster receptive ears on the other end. For the third time Shulammite refers to Solomon as “my love.” With a gentleness and tenderness in his voice, he speaks and she listens. What kinds of things should we listen for in a potential mate, a lifelong spouse?

LISTEN FOR PRAISE (VV. 10, 13)

In verses 10 and 13 Solomon invites Shulammite to arise and come away with him. He is utterly transparent in his intentions. He is also careful with his words. He calls her his “darling” (NKJV “love”) and his “beautiful one.” She is a joy to his heart and to his eyes. He loves her and he finds her irresistibly beautiful. He does not keep his thoughts to himself. He does not assume that she knows how he feels; he tells her how he feels. He gives her public and specific praise.

LISTEN FOR PARTICULARS (VV. 11–13)

Solomon was an atypical man when it came to romance. He understood that the way to a woman's heart is often in the details, the little things. In verses 11–13 Solomon invites Shulammite to take a walk in the countryside. No doubt she would have found this romantic. Furthermore, the poetic description of the passing of winter and the coming of spring is startling, especially for a man. His attention to detail is a model for all men everywhere.

It is likely that Solomon's elaborate description has a double focus. Springtime is universally thought of as a time for love. Falling in love is like experiencing springtime all over again. Everything is fresh, new, and alive. Things simply look different when you are in love. You see things and notice things that previously you missed or overlooked. For this young couple in love, winter and rain were long gone. Flowers were blooming, birds were singing, spring was in the air. They could
see
it and
smell
it (v. 13). Love could be found anywhere and everywhere they looked or turned.

LISTEN FOR PASSION (V. 14)

When two people are in love, they want to spend time alone, just the two of them. Solomon extends his invitation again, calling Shulammite his “dove” (cf. 1:15). Doves are gentle and beautiful. They often nestle in the crevices of the rock, out of sight and safely hidden. Solomon compares Shulammite to such a dove and urges her to come out to him. She has kept herself safe and secure until God brought the right man into her life. She has saved herself for marriage. Now the right man has arrived, and he asks her to come to him. One senses the passion of his request when he says he desires to see her lovely face and hear her sweet voice. Keel's comments strike home the thrust of Solomon's words, “The voice is just as infatuating (or ‘sweet’; cf. Prov. 20:17) as the face is ravishing… . The usual translations (‘pleasant,’ ‘lovely,’ etc.) are too pallid, failing to do justice to the intensity that enlivens this little song.”
²

Craig Glickman wisely writes:

One good indication of real love is the desire to communicate, a wish to discover all about this person whom you love so much. No detail seems too trivial to be related. No mood or feeling of one is unimportant to the other. And you care about the details and the feelings because you care so much about the person. That which would be insignificant or boring to even a good friend is eagerly received with genuine interest by the one who loves you… . The mere voice of the one loved is enchantingly special just in itself. One could read from the telephone book and the other would raptly listen simply for the sound of the voice.
³

I remember reading one day about how difficult a time Olympian Al Joyner was having following the unexpected death of his wife Flo-Jo, Florence-Griffith Joyner, the beautiful Olympic track star. He said that he had refused to change their answering machine at home. Why? Because it still contained her voice.

Catch the foxes for us—
      
the little foxes that ruin the vineyards—
       for our vineyards are in bloom. (v. 15)

QUESTION 3: ARE THEY TENACIOUS IN
THEIR COMMITMENT? (V. 15)

“Foxes were notorious in the ancient world for damaging vineyards… . Some ancient sources also suggest that foxes were particularly fond of grapes.”
⁴
Here the “little foxes” represent those dangers and problems that can sneak into a relationship and do untold damage, almost without notice, until it is too late. Even in the best relationship, a couple is vulnerable to potentially destructive problems. Here the proverb is certainly true: “An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.” A couple must be determined and tenacious in their commitment to “catch the little foxes.” Interestingly, the word
catch
is an imperative, a word of command from the Lord. We should take to heart at least two important truths in this regard.

TROUBLE IS USUALLY IN THE SMALL THINGS

Foxes are little animals, not large ones. You hardly notice them, and they are good at hiding. Only when the damage is done do you even realize they were there. Issues like role responsibilities, conflict resolution, goals, expectations, finances, sex, spiritual compatibility, interpersonal compatibility, social compatibility, and in-law relations do not just naturally work in a relationship. They must be addressed and worked through on an ongoing basis if a marriage is to grow and develop.

RELATIONSHIPS ARE UNIQUELY SENSITIVE

Solomon says, “Our vineyards are in bloom.” They are vulnerable to attack, and so is our marriage. We must provide necessary and essential protection. In other words, in actions and attitude we must, with dogged determination, resolve to nurture and tend to our relationships with great care and concern. Any wise couple will consider a number of questions as they contemplate the prospects of marriage. The following questions address several small things that could become big things if not faced head-on.

1. Can you identify a day or time period when you placed your faith in Christ for salvation? (John 1:12; Rom. 10:9–10, 13)
   
2. Do you have certainty that your partner has come to faith in Christ?
   
3. Have you discussed and come to agreement on what the Bible means when it says that the husband is to be a loving leader and the wife is to be a submissive helper? (Eph. 5:21–33)
   
4. Have you agreed always to tell your partner the truth? (Eph. 4:15)
   
5. Have you committed never to criticize your partner in public?
   
6. Do you agree on how decisions will be made when disagreement occurs?
   
7. Are you both committed to intimacy in your communication as a couple and to the effort this will require?
   
8. Do you both want to be used of God to help your partner come to full maturity as a Christian?
   
9. Do you like the outlook on life and the values of your partner?
   
10. Are you personally committed to making your marriage a success whatever the cost or sacrifice?
    
11. Have you determined premarital sexual standards by open discussion so that each feels that the decision reached honors the Lord? (1 Cor. 6:18–20)
    
12. Does the wife-to-be realize that men move from the visual to the physical and therefore need a healthy sexual relationship with their spouse to deter temptation?
    
13. Does the husband-to-be realize that women move from the emotional to the sexual and therefore need love demonstrated often in verbal and practical ways?
    
14. Do you have complete confidence that your partner will be faithful to you? Could you trust her or him with a member of the opposite sex?
    
15. Has your partner demonstrated a lifestyle that is similar to yours in spiritual commitment?
    
16. Have you decided where you will attend church and to what degree you will become involved?
    
17. Are you comfortable sharing feelings, desires, and goals with your partner?
    
18. Do you experience a sense of emotional pain when you are separated from your partner?
    
19. Have you demonstrated a willingness to be flexible in your relationship?
    
20. Have you been able to forgive your partner for an offense, reconcile, and forget the matter? (Eph. 4:32)
    
21. Are both sets of parents in agreement with your intentions?
    
22. Have you objectively looked at your partner's family to see the major influences in shaping her or his life?
    
23. Do you respect your partner, and are you proud to have people for whom you have high regard meet him or her?
    
24. Do you find generally that you like the same people?
    
25. Have you observed differences in your social backgrounds that might cause conflicts?
    

Dealing with these types of questions will provide a helpful and healthy protection that will make it extremely difficult for those little foxes to do their damage.

My love is mine and I am his;
      
he feeds among the lilies.
Before the day breaks
      
and the shadows flee,
turn to me, my love, and be like a gazelle
      
or a young stag on the divided mountains. (vv. 16–17)

QUESTION 4: ARE THEY TRUSTWORTHY FOR LIFE?
(VV. 16–17)

Solomon and Shulammite are realistic about their romance. They love each other, but they also know problems are inevitable. They have an initial strategy for facing difficulties when they arise (v. 15). Still, do they have what it takes to go the distance? Are they serious about the words “till death do us part?” I believe they are, and so must we be. How will I know if he (she) really loves me, and will he (she) love me for life?

YOU MUST KNOW YOU BELONG TO EACH OTHER (V. 16)