God on Sex: The Creator's Ideas About Love, Intimacy, and Marriage (7 page)

In fact, God has given us some biblical principles governing sex. Given that our text anticipates the issue, let us consider some good guidelines given by a good God.

1. Sexual relations within marriage are holy and good. God encourages intimate relations and even warns against their cessation (1 Cor. 7:5).

2. Pleasure in sexual relations is both healthy and expected (the bodies of both parties belong to the other) (Prov. 5:15–19; 1 Cor. 7:4).

3. Sexual pleasure is to be guided by the principle that one's sexuality is to be other-oriented (“rights” over one's body are given in marriage to the other party) (Phil. 2:3–4).

4. Sexual relations are to be regular and normal. No exact number of times per week is right or correct, but the biblical principle is that both parties are to provide adequate sexual satisfaction so that both “burning” (sexual desire) and temptation to find satisfaction elsewhere are avoided (1 Cor. 7:9).

5. The principle of satisfaction means that each party is to provide sexual enjoyment (which is “due” him or her in marriage) as frequently as the other party requires. Other biblical principles (moderation, seeking to please another rather than oneself, etc.) also come into play. Consideration of one's mate is to guide one's requests for sexual relations.

6. In accordance with the principle of “rights,” there is to be no sexual bargaining between married persons (“I'll not have relations unless you …”). Neither party has the right to make such bargains. This is a form of “marital prostitution” and must be avoided.

7. Sexual relations are equal and reciprocal. The Bible does not give the man superior rights over the woman or the woman superior rights over the man. Mutual stimulation and mutual initiation of relations are legitimate.

8. Whatever is safe, pleasing, enjoyable, and satisfying to both is acceptable. The
body
of each belongs to the other (1 Cor. 7:4). Neither should demand from the other what is painful, harmful, degrading, or distasteful to him or her.

He brought me to the banquet hall,
    
and he looked on me with love.
Sustain me with raisins;
    
refresh me with apricots,
    
for I am lovesick.
His left hand is under my head,
    
and his right hand embraces me.
Young women of Jerusalem, I charge you,
    
by the gazelles and by the wild does of the field:
    
do not stir up or awaken love
    
until the appropriate time. (vv. 4–7)

PREPARE FOR PASSION (VV. 4–7)

These verses continue the theme of romance. Interestingly, there is both encouragement and warning. Sex is a powerful gift. It is intoxicating. It has unbelievable potential for good or evil, to build up or tear down, to delight or destroy. Solomon gives us some additional instruction to ensure maximum sex, maximum safety, and maximum satisfaction. This is the sex God has planned from the beginning.

MAKE LOVE IN THE RIGHT PLACE (V. 4)

The man takes his bride into “the banqueting hall,” literally “the house of wine.” This scene anticipates the wedding night and the marriage bed. The open vineyard with all its beauty and encouragement to love may be in view. Regardless, it will be a place reserved only and exclusively for them. The imagery of wine again speaks of the intoxicating love they will share.

MAKE LOVE WITH THE RIGHT COMMITMENT (V. 4)

“He looked on me with love” speaks of the protective love of her lover, and the safe place to which he has brought her. It also testifies that the love which the king has for her is evident to everyone. He does not say one thing to her in private and contradict that in public. He is not warm and considerate when they are alone but cold and sarcastic when they are with others. He is not ashamed of his love for her. He is glad for all to see. No wonder she grows more and more secure in his love. Carr notes that some translate the Hebrew text, which is admittedly difficult at this point, in a way that is even more strikingly sensual: “And his wish regarding me was love-making” or more simply “his intentions were to make love.”
⁹
Solomon wants her and she wants him. They are the right partners. They have the right passion. They have the right place. But all the essential ingredients are still not present.

MAKE LOVE IN THE RIGHT WAY (VV. 5–6)

Shulammite says she is in the midst of a great feast and she thinks about their lovemaking. Her mind carries her away to the joys of marriage which are just around the corner. The Bible teaches that we should feast on our mate and that God smiles when we do. Shulammite is so overcome with the passion of the moment she feels faint. “For I am lovesick” is translated in the NIV as “I am faint with love.” The “I” is emphatic. “I myself am swooning in the rapture of the moment.” Does she wish to bail out and bring all of this to a sudden halt? Oh no! On the contrary, she asks for raisins and apricots to strengthen and restore her that she might enjoy more. “Sustain” and “refresh” are imperatives. She demands the necessary nourishment she needs to continue in the passion of their lovemaking. Raisins and apricots both were viewed as highly erotic and sensual. There is no question of the intent or intensity of her desire. One can hardly imagine the reciprocal response all of this would have brought about on the part of Solomon.

In the passion of their love, Shulammite has not lost sight or sense of the warmth, intimacy, and security of their relationship. With one hand he cradles her head. With the other he holds and caresses her. It is interesting to note that the word “embrace” is used in the Old Testament “both of a friendly greeting (Gen. 48:10) and of sexual union (Prov. 5:20).”
¹⁰
He is her friend and her lover. Both are important to her. Both are important to all women. No man should ever forget this.

MAKE LOVE AT THE RIGHT TIME (V. 7)

Sexual relationships should take place at the right place with the right person in the right way at the right time. Not just any time is a good time. There is indeed a proper time, a God time. Verse 7 is a recurring theme in the Song (cf. 3:5; 8:4), and its repetition underlines its importance. So crucial is it that it takes the form of an oath. The word “charge” means to adjure or urge. Shulammite is directing her words to the sorority of females (daughters of Jerusalem) as she warns them to pursue passion at the proper pace. The “gazelles” and “wild does” were both beautiful female animals, vigorous and sexually active in season. She understands that though men are usually viewed as the more sexually active and interested, God created women as sexual beings with sexual desires too.

All of us are susceptible to our passions getting out of control, overriding both our reason and will and causing massive hurt and damage. We must understand and understand well: God gave us sex as a wonderful gift to be enjoyed between a man and a woman within the bonds of marriage. This plan of His will never change. He gave us such a plan not to “rain on our parade” or “steal our fun.” He gave us this plan because it brings Him glory and it is for our good. Therefore Shulammite warns us, “Do not stir up or awaken love until the appropriate time.” Passion is great when the place for its expression is the marriage bed. Duane Garrett says it well, “The girls should not allow themselves to be aroused sexually until the proper time and person arrives. The natural joy of sexual awakening is ruined by premature experimentation.”
¹¹

Maximum sex is marriage sex. The best sex is believers' sex. Why? Because through a relationship with Jesus Christ, you see sex as one of the most beautiful aspects of life. You come to understand that it is more enjoyable to give than to receive, that bodily pleasure can also be spiritual, that men and women have equal rights to sexual pleasure, and that the quality of a sexual relationship is more than just physical pleasure, but it is not less than physical pleasure. God has given us a great gift. Let us enjoy it as He designed it. You will find the delights to be greater than you ever imagined.

THINKING ABOUT SEX

If only because one of them is a man and the other a woman, married couples usually have different attitudes and approaches to sex. Furthermore, many people may come to marriage with varying beliefs and expectations. This attitude assessment tool is designed to open up discussion about these differences. Take it with your partner and see what you can learn about each other.

Adapted from Clifford and Joyce Penner,
Sexual Fulfillment in Marriage: A Multimedia Learning Kit,
(Pasadena: Family Concern, Inc., 1977). Available through the Penners at 2 N. Lake Avenue, Suite 610, Pasadena, California 91101.

Chapter 4

Men Are from Earth and
Women Are from Earth …
Deal with It!

THE SONG OF SONGS 2:15

Catch the foxes for us—
       
the little foxes that ruin the vineyards—
       for our vineyards are in bloom. (v. 15)

John Gray became a household name and an overnight millionaire with his best-seller
Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus.
He has also authored
Mars and Venus in the Bedroom: A Guide to Lasting Romance and Passion
;
Mars and Venus Together Forever: Relationship Skills for Lasting Love
;
Mars and Venus in Love
;
Men, Women and Relationships
; and
What Your Mother Couldn't Tell You and Your Father Didn't Know.
In his books he struck a cord that resonates in each of us. Men and women really are different. We
think
differently; we
see
things differently; we
feel
things differently. We are different and different by
design:
it is the way God made us and the way God intended. He did make us male and female and declared it a good thing (Gen. 1:27). However, John Gray in making his argument did not get it exactly correct. Men are not from Mars, and women are not from Venus. Men are from Earth, and women are from Earth, and we have to deal with it if we are going to make marriage, sex, and romance work. Most marriages that get in trouble do so not over the big things but over the little things. These little things are often grounded in male-female differences. We do sweat the small stuff.